The Bachelor: A Vampire Sees the Light

The Bachelor
January 17, 2011

We begin with Chris Harrison calling the women into the living room to review the rules (individual dates, group dates, roses, possible but unlikely instant elimination, bikinis) and to warn them that it’s only gonna get more emotional and harder from here. DULY NOTED, SIR.

And the first individual date goes to Sad Ashley who is challenged by Wombat to “find our love song.” Sigh. Someone fetch me my earplugs.

Wombat arrives at the Hen House as the bikinied ladies just happen to be lounging about the pool, which I’m certain was not staged. I’m sure there wasn’t a production assistant herding a bunch of women into their bathing suits some thirty minutes before this shot was filmed. That didn’t happen at all. Michelle the Villainess is super happy for Sad Ashley that she gets to go on an individual date with Wombat and wishes them the best. HAHAHAHA. Actually, she hates everybody in the house and thinks that he needs a “woman” and not a “girl.” I think the rest of the ladies would suggest that he needs “a mentally stable partner” and not a “raving psycho,” but, you know: You say “to-may-toes,” I say “RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN! SHE’S COMPLETELY INSANE!”

Wombat takes Sad Ashley to Capitol Records for a date that he describes as “torturous” and that if it doesn’t go well, there could be a “bad side.” Well, that sounds like great fun! A regular dream date! Wombat brings Sad Ashley into Studio A, which he assures has hosted “countless” platinum artists. And in this instance, Wombat means “countless” in the sense that he’s not going to count any of them out for us. Helpful! No matter. They are here, for some completely unexplained reason, to sing shriek Seal’s Batman Forever hit, “Kiss From a Rose” at an unfortunate studio producer whom I hope gets paid in cocktails. Lots and lots of cocktails. Sad Ashley responds to this news with complete panic, as she hates to sing, even in the car, but then she starts crying again? Because of her dead father? Somehow this particular song reminds her of her dead father, but I’m beginning to wonder what doesn’t, frankly, and so we get to sit through another crying montage. But that’s just the lead-up to the amazing singing awkwardly bleating something that barely resembles “Kiss From a Rose” montage.


The producer declares each of these takes terrible, and wonders where the hell the PA went with his bourbon refill, and so they try one more time with the instruction to CONCENTRATE and although this take doesn’t sound any less like a litter of cats being strangled to death, the producer can’t hack it anymore and tells them that they’ve got it! But only because he’s desperate to go home already, seeing as that PA isn’t getting here any faster with that bourbon and the pain will only truly cede once he can get into his own liquor cabinet and lie on the floor and close his eyes and pretend that this entire evening didn’t actually happen.

Mission accomplished, Wombat escorts Sad Ashley into another studio where the actual Mr. Seal is waiting to show them how to sing the freaking song already. This also makes Sad Ashley cry, because DEAD DAD. Wow, way to go, Seal.

Wombat then takes Sad Ashley up to the roof of Capitol Records so that he can get to know who she “really is” (She’s just sad, Wombat. There’s not a lot of mystery there) and she starts talking about her dead dad and how Sad Ashley is sad, and the tiny little gears in Wombat’s head get stuck because he can see an opportunity to talk about his daddy issues,but at the same time he has some flicker of understanding that now is not the time to discuss them. Wombat kind of pats her and scrunches his face up in “understanding.”

Back at the Hen House, Michelle the Villainess suddenly becomes a crazed mom from Toddlers and Tiaras, explaining that she does not want to hear her name called for the group date, because that means that she won’t be in the running for the “Ultimate Grand Supreme” title.

BUT ALAS: the group date will include: Lindsey, Chantal O. Alli and her ba-donk-a-donk, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Shawntel N., Dr. Tube Socks, Stacey, Marissa, and Michelle the Villainess. The theme of the date is “love hurts,” but Michelle the Villainess would like us to know what really hurts is merely placing in her division rather than being selected for Ultimate Grand Supreme or, at the very least, Mini Grand Supreme. GAH. WILL NO ONE THINK OF HER PAIN?

Oh, we’re not done with the painful “singing and crying” date? Oof. Blah blah blah, Wombat yammers about how “comfortable” he is with Sad Ashley, gives her a rose and she cries some more. Also, comfortable? Not a synonym for passion. Or love. Or sexual chemistry. It is a synonym for Forever Lazy, however.

The next morning (? Sure. Time is all relative on The Bachelor.), Wombat arrives at the Hen House to escort the ladies to the group date. There is a lot of WOOOOOOO!!!!ing, which might be the most irritating sound known to man. Well, after Wombat and Sad Ashley’s “singing,” of course. They arrive at some sort of set, where Wombat uses all this sexual innuendo to explain what they are going to be doing: filming an “action movie,” but essentially it amounts to participating in one of those stunt shows at Universal Studios. Don’t let that stop all the explosions and choreography, though! Fight fight fight! Explosion!

Chantal O. helpfully explains that the scenes were crazy, what with the “ninjas” jumping out everywhere, etc. NOTE: Ninjas = Asians. Now, granted, these are some gangster-looking Asians. But they’re not ninjas. They aren’t in black pajamas, sneaking around and hurling throwing stars or anything. Michelle the Villainess expresses her wish that these “ninjas” would kidnap the rest of the girls and leave them out in the desert somewhere. Ha?

The ladies left at the Hen House have been instructed to put on their bikinis again and act natural whilst wondering idly who will receive the next rose. The next individual date invitation just happens to arrive around then, and it’s for Saint Emily who is SOOOOO NERVOUS that people will start to look at her differently once they know about her daughter. Yep. I bet they all start hating you, Emily. That’s going to happen.

At the “action movie” set, Shawntel is kicking some major “ninja” tail, and in one scene, she rescues Wombat whom the “ninjas” have tied to a post after removing his shirt, because, ANCIENT NINJA SECRET: they deshirt their enemies immediately. I read this in Shogun. Shawntel kisses the bound Wombat to the disgust and frustration of the rest of the ladies who carp about it being offensive. I think you’re using that word wrong, but OK. Michelle the Villainess makes some superior stank faces, and then goes on and on and ON about how when she and Wombat kiss for the first time it’s going to be FOR REALS and there will be FIREWORKS and it will be SEXY, and then she covers her face with her hair because her meds have clearly worn off for the day.

Wombat takes the ladies to yet another “wrap party” at some hotel pool somewhere, and Chantal O. immediately grabs him to start blubbering at him about how she doesn’t feel special and then just totally dumps a tragic story in his lap about how after being estranged from her father for fifteen years, she tried to get in touch with him, only to find out he had died a few months earlier. SORRY, SAD ASHLEY. CHANTAL’S DEAD DAD STORY BEATS YOURS. Wombat’s response to all of this? “I like your puffy face.” He so dreamy.

At the Hen House, Saint Emily drops the RickyBobby bomb on the rest of the ladies, what with the plane crash and the baby and in no time at all, they’re all sobbing over the TRAGEDY of it all, even the Vampire! Do you know how messy vampire tears are? It’s a mess up in there.

At the “wrap party” Alli and her ba-donk-a-donk think it’s time to take Wombat aside for a little one-on-one ba-donk-a-donking, but this is promptly interrupted by Michelle the Villainess who has decided that it’s time for her fireworks kiss. So Wombat dismisses Alli and her ba-donk-a-donk! Anywhos, once alone, Michelle the Villainess starts making all these insincere noises about wanting to do the right thing for her daughter and that stupid headband that the child wears for some reason, and Wombat buys it and they kiss, BUT I’M NOT SEEING ANY FIREWORKS, YO. Wombat promptly scurries away to grab the rose and then gets on an elevator? To go give the rose to some brunette? WHO IS THAT? And they finally reveal that it’s Shawntel N. but not after a really long time. HEY, BACHELOR PRODUCERS, A TIP: It is far too early to assume that we have any idea who any of these women are. You should be reminding us all the time, always, like every two seconds. Thanks. Anyway, soon after, Wombat shows the ladies the “movie” they made (ABC: PLEASE SEND ME A COPY, STAT.) and Michelle the Villainess spews some more insanity about wanting to go to Tahiti and make the sex with Wombat and she is really making me so very tired.

Wombat arrives the next morning (or whenever, who knows) to take Saint Emily out on her date. They pull up to a private plane, and at this point you just have to applaud the producers. I mean, putting a woman who lost the love of her life in a plane crash onto a private plane as part of her date? GENIUS. Ooh! I hope the next part of the date involves driving race cars!

At the Hen House, the Vampire is having some sort of crisis of conscience — THEY HAVE CONSCIENCES, Y’ALL — and wondering if she should really be dating a daywalker after all.

Saint Emily and Wombat’s date actually takes them to a vineyard where Wombat pesters her with questions about her personal life. Saint Emily is not having it, however, and deflects each query with comments like “I get grumpy when I get tired.” Deep. Wombat retreats to the car to grab a blanket because it’s suddenly become rather chilly. METAPHOR.

Later, Wombat leads Saint Emily into a barn covered in candles and the whole thing is making me so nervous. Has a Fire Marshall taken a look at this set? Are there interns nearby with fire extinguishers? Buckets of water? Has everyone signed waivers? Despite the fire risk, Saint Emily decides that this is the time to tell her Tragic Story one more time, and SHOCK, SURPRISE, Wombat doesn’t go screaming into the night. Go figure. They kiss a bunch, and he gives her a rose, because obviously, and then Wombat makes some noises about feeling like this could be the beginning of something real.

The next morning (I guess), Wombat paces the Bachelor Roost, waiting for his therapist to arrive. Wait, are his therapy sessions going to be a regular part of this season? I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR WOMBAT THERAPY. UGH. Blah blah blah, long therapy session short: Wombat should try to make the ladies feel comfortable. WOW. YOU JUST BLEW THE WOMBAT’S MIND, DR. GENIUS.

Next up: Elimination Cocktail Party Time. Bottoms up, because three of you are getting on a plane tonight.

Dr. Tube Socks is super anxious that Wombat hasn’t been paying enough attention to her, Alli and her ba-donk-a-donk have trust issues after her dad cheated on her mom, Chantal O. and Wombat have a physical connection, but it’s interrupted by Michelle the Villainess who drags him away and says a bunch of increasingly crazy things about how they’re having their first fight because he’s been kissing other women. Where do you start with this level of crazy? WHERE DO YOU EVEN START? LOOK AROUND YOU, MICHELLE THE VILLAINESS. SEE THOSE CAMERAS? SEE THE CREW, EVERYWHERE? THAT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A DATING REALITY SERIES, THE PREMISE OF WHICH IS: “ONE MAN KISSES A LOT OF WOMEN, UNTIL HE DECIDES TO ONLY KISS ONE.” THAT WAS THE WORKING TITLE, EVEN. UGH. YOU. WHY AM I YELLING?

Deep breath.

But then Wombat goes on to talk about how much he likes Michelle the Villainess because she’s a smart alec and wants his time, and there’s something about her that he likes. YEAH, IT’S CALLED ALEX FOREST SYNDROME. I HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE A PET BUNNY. I’m yelling again. Sorry.

The Vampire asks to speak to Wombat and explains that she wants to reveal the “real part” of herself. She’s so serious, she takes out her fangs! HER FANGS! Well, that answers one nagging question! Vampire explains that she realizes there are women here who aren’t flouncing around like it’s all one big dress-up party/joke, that they actually might be here for the right, non-exploitative reasons, and she’d actually feel bad if she were to take an opportunity away from one of them. Wombat’s tiny wombat brain is having a hard time processing all of this, and he explains to the camera that he’s beginning to realize that the women are handling their emotions differently. Wombat breakthrough.

After reassuring an anxious Dr. Tube Socks (with his tongue), Wombat is called into the Serious Rose Thinking Room to make his decision.

Emily, Sad Ashely, Shawntel N. all have roses. The remaining roses go to:

Rose #1: Michelle the Villianess
Rose #2: Chantal O.

But before he can hand out the third rose, Vampire pulls her cape over her head, turns into a bat and flies into the adjacent room. Wombat follows her, where she tells him that she’d just rather go home, thanks. Wombat makes a bunch of noise about how he likes this Vampire more than the Vampire he met earlier, but it’s her call. And so Vampire is like, yeah, smell ya later, Wombat, before flying out into the night sky.

Wombat returns to the rest of the ladies, explains Vampire’s decision, and urges them that if taking a rose doesn’t feel right, they shouldn’t do it. They all nod seriously, but there’s no chance anyone is going to turn him down. Not again tonight. (Though it would be awesome.)

Rose #3: Lisa
Rose #4: Jackie
Rose #5: Ashley H.
Rose #6: Marissa
Rose #7: Britt
Rose #8: Alli and her ba-donk-a-donk
Rose #9: Lindsey
Rose #10: Meghan
Rose #11: Stacey

NO ROSE FOR YOU: Kimberly or Sarah! I barely know who either of you are, besides blond. Kimberly heads out with her head held high, asserting that there wasn’t a connection and that Wombat was CLEARLY intimated by her. HIS LOSS. Sarah, however, needs to invest in some waterproof mascara. There is so much crying. So, so much. She just wants to go home. Ta-da! Wish granted!

Next time on The Bachelor: We’re going to keep an official tally of how many times the word “connection” is used!

The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. And you should think seriously about getting some therapy.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site

Leave a Reply