Tubular’s Terrible Commenter Downhill Super-G Combined Slalom


Smiley N. Pool / Houston Chronicle

They’re coming for us!

Here’s the thing about Therese and I reaching, ever so gently, beyond our comfort zone to cover something only tangentially related to television by the mere fact it is broadcast on a television: We get the attention of lots of folks who really care about that thing and not at all about television. And that’s great! Come one, come all. There’s lots of room for everyone under our big Tubular umbrella and we are special, little snowflakes and we love you all. Really. We do.

But sometimes you don’t love us, and that’s OK too! That’s what the Internet is all about: Polite discourse and civil disagreement in a transparent and responsible environment.

HA HA! Just kidding! The Internet is where total strangers (sometimes in other countries) come to tell you you’re terrible at life from the comfort of their own homes under the warm security blanket of anonymity. And some folks are just so good at doing that, we felt it would be a travesty for them not to be recognized for all their well-thought, eloquent comments.

So, without further ado, Therese and I proudly present to you Tubular’s Terrible Commenter Downhill Super-G Combined Slalom. Read on to see who won our not-so-precious medals.

The Tin Medal for Vast Overstatement: Matt:

Matt says: :”This article is what’s wrong with the internet and people who think they are ‘journalists’. Absolute embarassement to the profession.”

I would like to get “I’m what’s wrong with the Internet” on a T-shirt.

The Aluminum Medal for Budding Anthropologist: Mike

Mike says: “I’m afraid you are simply not familiar with basic aspects of Canadian culture. ”

That is a true fact.

The Zinc Medal for “Back In My Day We Walked Uphill Both Ways”: KC

KC says: “I’m sorry that you’ve grown up in an era where hard work and goal achievement is no longer recognized as meaningful, and choose to use your writing talents as a way of burning things down. We called those fires “phyrric victories” in the old days, but you probably didn’t learn about those in your I-wanna-write-for-Rolling-Stone writing class, either.”

What’s Rolling Stone? Is that like Twitter?

The Manganese Medal for CANADIANS BE SENSITIVE: Kylie Harrison

Kylie says: “Whats with the sarcastic jibe . . . “aboriginal” Canadian folks . . . these are “real” aboriginal people some of whom travelled a VERY long way to be part of this. Really poor article, get a life. Journalists like you give Americans a bad name across the world.”

I hope they didn’t make them walk. That would be cruel, considering they made them dance, dance, dance for like 45 minutes.

The Magnesium Medal for Harold Bloom-like Literary Criticism: Tim

Tim says: “No reason to make stuff up just to make your post more dramatic.”

Well, what if I CAPITALIZE EVERY OTHER PHRASE in the entry to make it more dramatic? Oh, wait.

The Cobalt Medal for Reading Through the Pain: JBL

JBL says: “I can’t believe I even made it through half of this post. Your writing style, if you can call it that, hurt my eyes and brain. FAIL.”

You made it through half of the entry? Wow, I couldn’t get past the caption on the picture myself. You are a Hero, Sir/Madam.

The Rhenium Medal for Courtney Love Is A Four-Letter Word: Turino

Turino says: “Lindsey Jacobellis as a Courtney Love impersonator? They have nothing in common and look nothing alike. Stop trying to sensationalize your blog. You don’t have to be nasty to other people in order to gain readers.”

Really? She doesn’t look like her?

The Nickel Medal for Standing Up for the Victims in All of This –The Readers: Chris

Chris says: “Why waste everyone’s time speaking about something you don’t understand.”


The Bismuth Medal for Daring to Flaunt the Rules of Punctuation and Capitalization: bunny

bunny says: “i dont know why you even watch fig. skating if you are gonna bash everyone and everything about it. i think you just want to be snarky for this blog post. cmon? johnny’ program was a snore. youd think is program/outfit would be as large as his personality. me thinks he is incredibly insecure and not original.”

Methinks you need to familiarize yourself with the shift key.

The Calcium Medal for Believing That a Television Blog Might Be a Good Place for Sports Commentary: abcfg

abcfg says: “BOOOOring! Read a column on a truly disappointing night of men’s skating written by a pro:


Whoa. Just finished reading that entry you suggested, and you’re right. Everything is different now. My life, it has been changed.

The Beryllium Medal for Teaching Us Something About Trust Fund Kids: Cinder

Cinder says: “Houston must be short on talent to hire a hack like you. You bitch like a trust fund kid and your blog is trash.”

Trust fund kids do NOT like Nordic combined.

The Iron Medal for Wordplay: dude

dude says: “This was the most annoying blog ever.”

OH! I see what you did there! The entry was entitled “The Most Boring Night of the Olympics, Ever,” and then you put “annoying” where “Boring” was, and “blog” where “Night of the Olympics” was! THAT IS SO CLEVER! Are you a member of the Algonquin Round Table?

The Osmium Medal for Bravely Defending Cross-Country Skiing: patrick

patrick says: “Are you bored by cross country skiing because you’re a fat lazy american that could never handle any type of physical activity that required more footsteps than the ones it takes to get to the fridge?”

If you do not find cross-country thrilling to watch, you may want to limit your portion sizes. Or maybe cut down your carbs. Excitedly watching other people perform athletics makes you thinner, that’s just science.

The Molybdenum Medal for SIGH: Mary_Hayes

Mary says: “I must say this writer did a heroic job writing up the Olympic events, since he so obviously hated every minute of it. Can you say ‘get a life’? Of course you can!”

Recently, a writer at the NY-based blog Gawker encountered a similar comment and said it best (link may contain some coarse language): “Also, why do I watch it? Well, because I have a job that asks me to write about television shows. A job that pays me money, which I then use for goods and services like food and overly-priced apartments in the NYU Land section of Disneyworld. THAT’S WHY. If you hate the … recaps so much, why do you read them?”

This post originally appeared on Hearst site Chron.com.

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