‘The Golden Bachelor’: In which Mel is terrified of everything

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelor, the golden bachelor: season 2

The Golden Bachelor
November 5, 2025

~takes a long swig from her martini~

Alright. Let’s do this.

We are in Antigua for the crucial penultimate step in this drudgery: The Fantasy Suites. And you’ve probably never heard this before, but our Golden Bachelor Mel assures us that unlike all the other Fantasy Suite locations before this, Antigua is, in fact, the perfect place to fall in love. Mel also explains to us that the Fantasy Suites aren’t just about doing the business, it’s also a time to talk to each woman off camera and connect on a “deeper level” …

Deeper level:

… which is important because he could be engaged to one of these two women in a week.

Narrator: He wouldn’t be.

Mel begins his time in Antigua tossing a football with his fellow former NFLer, Jesse Palmer, who is wearing a pair of Mel’s grandpa shoes for laffs.

Jesse Palmer then takes Mel for a beer and gives him a chance to talk about the two remaining women:

There’s Cindyrella, who was first out of the limo — which seems inordinately important to Mel — and who is romantic, affectionate, and can ride a horse.

But then there’s Bomb Peg, who is a fun badass whose energy matches his own.

It is precious that this man, in his orthopedic shoes and his limp, thinks he has the same energy as this firefighter, BUT OK, GRAMPS.

Jesse Palmer asks Mel about using the “L-word,” and Mel begins panicking: HE’S NOT MESSING AROUND WITH THAT, JESSE PALMER. IT HAS TO COME NATURALLY, JESSE PALMER. HE CAN’T JUST TAKE IT BACK ONCE IT’S OUT THERE, JESSE PALMER.

Jesse Palmer is like, “Cool, but these women deserve to know how you feel, my guy,” and Mel is all “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

The first date is with Bomb Peg, and before he arrives to collect her, she’s busy telling us that falling in love is scary, and she needs someone who can communicate what they are feeling, and tell her what they want and need.

OH GURL, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED, THIS IS NOT YOUR MAN.

Mel arrives in a dune buggy and proceeds to drive her around so slowly that Bomb Peg is like, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, GRANDPA? GO FASTER.”

It’s then Bomb Peg’s turn to drive the dune buggy, and this man is literally out here grasping his pearls:

LOL, tell me more about how Bomb Peg “matches [your] energy,” Pawpaw.

After their drive, they have a champagne break and discuss the recent Dreaded Hometown visit. Bomb Peg notes that he “passed the Dakota test” (did he, though?) and adds that she wasn’t expecting to feel the way she does for him.

Bomb Peg then asks Mel how he thinks it’s going between them.

Mel: “Good.”

Bomb Peg then asks Mel how he’s feeling about everything.

Mel: “Good.”

And then Mel changes the conversation — because God forbid he talk about a relationship on a relationship show — and asks her how she liked the dune buggy because this man is NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP DESPITE BEING ELEVENTY-SIX YEARS OLD.

That night at dinner, Mel opens up a teeeeeeensy bit more and tells Bomb Peg that he “really likes [her] a lot” and he “loves being around [her]” and that he “likes [her] energy and spirit.” And that’s good enough for Bomb Peg, who agrees to head to the Fantasy Suite with this man for a wild night of Metamucil cocktails, frequent bathroom breaks, and a bedtime at promptly 8:30 in the p.m.

The next morning, they giggle about going to bed “so early,” which … are they joking, though? They talk about having good conversations, having discussed their respective divorces, and getting to know each other better. Bomb Peg insists that all of her concerns have been addressed and that Mel has “the capacity to be vulnerable” and is “emotionally intelligent.”

Before date number two begins, Cindyrella reminds us that she has a lot of trauma involving cheating, and so this whole situation REALLY SUCKS for her. That said, her uncertainty about all of this could be assuaged if Mel proved his interest in her by, oh, I don’t know, asking her a single question about her and the rest of their lives.

OH GURL, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED, THIS IS NOT YOUR MAN.

They meet up and head to a boat because they are going to be swimming with stingrays.

Cindyrella’s response: “OMG YAY I LOVE STINGRAYS THEY ARE SO ADORABLE!!!!”

Mel’s response:

So they head to the place with the stingrays, and Mel is absolutely fucking terrified. Cindyrella is happily splashing around with them, and only when their time with the stingrays is expiring does Mel manage to finally scooch himself over to Cindyrella’s general location and place a couple of fingers on one stingray.

I can not adequately express to you how much time was devoted to showing Mel cowering in fear from the stingrays. “I’m not a stingray type of guy,” Mel says at one point, certainly marking the first time that sentence had ever been uttered by a human being on this planet.

They eventually retreat to the boat, and Cindyrella is like, “The Dreaded Hometowns were great,” (were they?), “but we don’t have much more time, so I hope you use that time to learn more about me, and I can learn more about you.”

That night at dinner, Mel actually thanks Cindyrella for “taking care of [him]” during the stingrays, and she protests that no one needed to take care of him, he was fine. I mean, he was, he was always totally fine, but he also definitely needed her help to get over his weird phobia.

He also thanks her for still being there, insisting that he loves spending time with her, that she’s sharing and caring and smart and beautiful. Buttttttttt he also can’t sit here and tell her that there’s going to be a happily ever after for them, on account that there’s another person still in the mix.

Cindyrella urges him to put aside the other person for a minute and tell her what he sees for their potential, but Mel ducks and weaves and talks about “moving parts” and “educated choices.” Cindyrella reminds him that he signed up for a show that ENDS IN AN ENGAGEMENT, but he counters that it’s actually about “finding a partner.”

Is it?

Is it really, though?

Cindyrella then presses him with questions about why it took him so long to get married in the first place, and this man starts talking about it being the “right time” and that he doesn’t do anything “casually,” to which Cindyrella points out that they were both married for roughly 25 years and both ended up equally divorced so how did waiting for the “right time” work out for him.’

Eventually, Cindyrella is like, “Cut to the chase, bitch, where do we go from here?”

And Mel replies, “Where there is a will, there is a way.”

To which she reasonably asks him, “Is there a will?”

And that is where the episode ends, on a proper cliffhanger. But if I know anything about men, he’s going to tell her there absolutely is a will so that he can get her into that Fantasy Suite so she can watch him fall asleep by 9 p.m. and drool on his pillow.

STAY TUNED, THE “THRILLING” CONCLUSION IS AROUND THE CORNER! IF I CAN FIND THE “WILL!”

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Mel:

The Golden Bachelor streams on Hulu.

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