The Bachelor
February 3, 2025
It’s the morning (afternoon?) after Night One, and the girls are having some hair of the dog mimosas to celebrate while waiting for Grant to show up.
Instead, how about some Jesse Palmer?
Jesse Palmer explains that there will be three dates that week: two group dates, and the one one-on-one date that Llama Drama earned by winning the First Impression Rose. He leaves the first date card on the table and excuses himself to the golf course.
“Miss Dominican Republic; Big Head; Jersey Girl; Worry Stone; PowerPoint Girl; Vicky Vegas; Model Chloie; T-Shirt Gun; Front Runner; Christina Aguilera: It’s your time to shoot your shot. Love, Grant.”
Based on one of the few things we actually know about Grant, that he played basketball, the women for the most part correctly guess that this will be some sort of basketball-related date. The exception being Vicky Vegas who begins miming shooting a gun, which … oh no, I don’t think introducing any sort of weaponry into the mix would be a good idea at all, ma’am.
The women are brought to a gym where Grant is waiting for them, shooting baskets and monologuing about how basketball made him who he is today, and that he wants to be a dad and have his kids play basketball one day.
Grant greets the women when they arrive and tells them that his first love is basketball, and that he has some big ballers coming in to play with them before unleashing a herd of screaming elementary school-aged children. Two of the kids, Atticus and Journey, will serve as their coaches today, teaching the women some valuable basketball skillz.
Some of the women jockey for some personal coaching from Grant, others hang with the kids, and Worry Stone, who admits she’s terrible at basketball, spends some time with one little girl doing some breathing exercises.
Grant then announces that it’s time for a slam dunk competition, and the women line up to take turns. Miss Dominican Republic goes first, does great, and passes the ball to T-Shirt Gun. But instead of taking a shot, T-Shirt Gun announces that she’s going to “forfeit my shot and steal Grant for a few minutes.”
The other women:
But like Elon Musk, T-Shirt Gun don’t care: she leads Grant up to the roof while the other women, like the Democrats, try to figure out where in the rules it says she can do this. Even the kids are like, “What the actual fuck?”
And she takes him up to the roof for what — to tell him that the other women in the house are “nice”? WOW, GREAT INSIGHT. DEFINITELY WORTH MAKING EVERY ONE OF THOSE NICE WOMEN HATE YOU FOR THE REMAINDER OF YOUR TIME ON THE SHOW.
When Grant and T-Shirt Gun finally return to the group, little Coaches Journey and Atticus are wagging their fingers at them, clearly irritated that they’ve wasted all the slam dunk time. Because right after Grant and T-Shirt Gun return, in comes Jesse Palmer to split the women into two teams to play some 5-on-5 basketball: Team Small and Team Tall. One lucky woman will be named the MVP, and take home Grant’s letterman jacket.
What happens next is one of the most embarassingly terrible basketball games I’ve ever seen, with Team Tall running roughshod over Team Small, but still barely managaing to score any points? Still, it gets pretty aggressive on the court, with T-Shirt Gun using her size and wrestling experience to push some of the smaller women around, Jersey Girl shoving back, and Front Runner apparently losing all of her press-on nails in the mix.
In the end, Team Tall wins by 18-2, and Model Chloie is named the MVP, mostly because she made the last basket and didn’t shove her elbow into anyone’s face.
That night after everyone has showered and put on their cocktail dresses, Grant asks to spend time with Model Chloie first, where he tells her that she has a certain radiance and a decent layup. Model Chloie laughs that her rule is that if there’s a ball, shoot it, which is only a thing a tall person would say. They make out.
Meanwhile, back in the holding room, the other women are telling T-Shirt Gun that it is super uncool that she took Grant away from the group during the slam dunk competition — or what should have been the slam dunk competition. There are respectful ways she could have sought out time with him. That wasn’t it.
T-Shirt Gun is all, “Whatever. Y’all would have done the same thing if you had thought of it first. You gotta do what you gotta do.”
Grant spends some time with Worry Stone Natalie, revealing that the kids loved her and showing her a video of the little girl she did breathing exercises with blowing her a kiss. Worry Stone asks Grant if he wants kids, and he’s like, “Yeah, that was kinda the point of this whole date,” before adding that as long as his kids play some sports he’ll be happy.
~blogger glares at Grant in uncoordinated and unathletic childhood~
They make out.
Grant then brings Front Runner to the makeout room, where he tells her he heard she had a nail malfunction, and proceeds to massage her hands with some sort of oil? Sure.
Grant tells her that he appreciated that even though she was competitive, she was also “so bubbly,” and Front Runner tells him it was cute to see him with kids. They make out … but are interrupted by T-Shirt Gun who is DETERMINED to be this season’s villain.
After Front Runner leaves, T-Shirt Gun talks to Grant about being emotionally guarded, and having her walls up, and Grant is all, “I’ll help you kick them down …”
Front Runner immediately tattles to the other women that T-Shirt Gun stole her time with Grant and Jersey Girl is JERSEY PISSED. Jersey Girl stomps up to the makeout room and gives T-Shirt Gun a taste of her own bullshit, demanding to have some time with Grant. T-Shirt Gun protests, but eventually relents. However, she doesn’t leave the makeout cave, instead lurking around the corner while Jersey Girl tells Grant about being a boxing coach, and wanting to fight for him. After only a couple of minutes, T-Shirt Gun makes the bold decision to interrupt Jersey Girl — who, though she is shorter than T-Shirt Gun, is still a BOXING COACH from NEW JERSEY.
Jersey Girl does not land a right hook on T-Shirt Gun, but instead takes her rage to the other women, who are not amused by T-Shirt Gun’s shenanigans. When T-Shirt Gun returns to the group, Jersey Girl is all, “WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? WHY ARE YOU SO DISRESPECTFUL? WHY DO YOU NEED SO MUCH ATTENTION FROM HIM?”
T-Shirt Gun refuses to respond.
Grant eventually joins them and gives the rose to Worry Stone Natalie after all that drama, while Jersey Girl vows that T-Shirt Gun will not ruin another special moment between her and Grant.
The next day, Llama Drama goes on her one-on-one date with Grant which is just them hanging out at the mall. They ride around on those stuffed animal things, they eat ice cream, they jump on and break a bed, Grant insists on singing at her.
They do talk about some important things: Grant opens up about his relationship with his father and how it shaped him and made him want to be a better parent. Llama Drama reveals that she was raised by her grandparents: her father was never in her life and she’s estranged from her mother. And because she never felt supported herself, she chose to spend her life supporting kids through speech therapy. Because they share the experience of imperfect childhoods, Grant notes that she’s lucky because she has a chance to make her own family and be the mom she wants to be. Which is honestly very sweet.
He offers her the rose; she accepts; they dance to “Sea of Love.”
The final date of the week finds Someone Named Ella; Someone Named Rebekah; Rose is a Rose; Hand Model; Crying Girl Caroline; Miss Mormon and Selfies meeting Grant at a theater where Mario is performing “Let Me Love You.”
Mario explains to the women that they will be not just writing a song for Grant, but they will also sing and dance to it in front of a live audience because this show has a shame kink. Robin Antin, the creator of The Pussycat Dolls, joins them to teach them some choreography which, spoiler alert, no one seems to actually learn.
The women are then released to write their “songs” (really just a verse each) and pick out costumes, and then it’s showtime.
But before they are shoved out on the stage, guess who decides that he needs to sing again? No, not the professional singer in the house, but Grant, who performs a not-good rap (?) rap-adjacent (?) song and I swear to God if he’s going to sing in every episode, I’m going to need A LOT MORE BOX WINE.
So then the ladies, introduced as the “Bachstreet Girls,” perform their song, which involves group choreography that everyone has clearly forgotten if they ever actually learned it. Each of them then approach Grant to “sing” their verse individually. The entire thing makes me want to die inside.
The only woman who can actually sing is Someone Named Rebekah, though her lyrics which encourages that they get engaged and “make a baby” leave something to be desired.
In the end, Grant declares Crying Girl the “winner” — the prize being that they are serenaded by Mario while they dance in front of everyone. Except, they don’t just dance: Crying Girl, obviously sensing that another woman has already made some strong moves to be this season’s villain, takes Grant to the stage couch, straddles his lap, and begins aggressively making out with him while the other women look on in horror — not that Grant does anything to stop this or seems to mind in the least.
Having been subjected to Crying Girl and Grant’s little PG-13 show, the women are a little quiet that evening when Grant arrives to the cocktail party, and he’s all, “But why?”
Grant takes Someone Named Rebekah aside first, and is like, “You did great with the song and whatever. So, what’s going on with the vibe in here tonight? Did I do something wrong?” Someone Named Rebekah, who is just happy to be asked, doesn’t tell him the truth, that it was gross and disrespectful to have Crying Girl straddling him and chewing on his face in front of Jesus and all of them, and instead says some mealy-mouthed shit about how the other women are just upset they didn’t win.
YEAH, THAT’S NOT IT THOUGH.
When Someone Named Rebekah returns to the group, the others ask her what she talked about with Grant. She tells them that he senses the energy is off, but she told him some women were just upset about not being the winner.
Crying Girl, however, knows EXACTLY why the energy is so weird, and is like “DO YOU THINK THE VIBE IS OFF?”
Rebekah: *trying to explain why the vibe is off as vaguely and nicely as possible*Carolina:#thebachelor
Crying Girl then decides that somehow SHE’S the victim, because the other women, who have not said a word to her, are making her feel guilty for her shitty behavior.
Remarkable.
Rose visits with Grant where she tells him that the whole process has been more difficult than she expected. Grant assures her that she’s someone he’s been thinking about, and that he was paying attention to her during the performance. She feels much better.
Meanwhile, the other women explain — calmly — to Crying Girl that it was uncomfortable for them to have to watch her make out with Grant, and that no part of dating the same guy is normal for any of them. Crying Girl tries to claim that she’s not the type of person to make out in front of everyone, to which Hand Model is like, “But you did.”
Crying Girl then takes to the talking head to complain about how this is what they all signed up for and that she is worried that Grant might feel guilty for having a connection with her and take it out on her and then she’s crying again.
Miss Mormon uses her time with Grant to address something he said to her on the first night: that she “doesn’t get told ‘no’ a lot” because she’s so beautiful. In fact, Miss Mormon notes, the whole reason she’s there is because she’s been told no so many times.
And so, when they have their time together, she brings up this point, and he immediately apologizes, admitting that he was making a snap judgment about her that wasn’t fair.
Miss Mormon goes on to tell him about her last relationship where she just assumed he wanted the same thing she did — marriage and a family — only to find out three years in that wasn’t the case. Miss Mormon becomes emotional, saying that she’s just so sick of dating, and that she hates falling in love only to find out that the other person doesn’t want the same things. Grant concurs, he’s tired of dating, too, despite being on a show that requires him to date 25 women at the same time.
As for Crying Girl, she spends her time with Grant complaining that there were consequences for their behavior and now she’s sad. Grant insists that she did nothing wrong …
… and makes her promise to come to him if she gets any flack from anyone because he’ll protect her.
I guarantee he will come to regret these words.
Finally, Grant gives the date rose to Miss Mormon and Crying Girl pouts.
The next day is the Rose Ceremony, and before anything even happens, Selfies is in full meltdown, sobbing that she’s stressed and Grant is not getting to know her. Ma’am, welcome to the game.
And then it’s time to put on the sparkly dresses, get drunk, and hope Grant gives you a rose.
The first person Grant speaks with is Miss Dominican Republic who asks him about what it means to him to be “emotionally available.” Grant talks more about his difficult childhood and his parents arguing and wanting to be able to talk to the person he’s in love with. Miss Dominican Republic promises that she just wants her person to feel supported and safe with her and that she’ll never judge. EASY TO SAY NOW, LADY, BUT WAIT UNTIL THAT PERSON HAS LOADED THE DISHWASHER THE WRONG WAY FOR THE 2,985th TIME AFTER YOU HAVE EXPLAINED HOW TO DO IT CORRECTLY OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND YOU FINALLY SNAP.
Someone Named Ella wrote Grant a whole letter about how he gives her a sense of comfort, despite having spent maybe 10 minutes together over the course of a week.
Selfies, who has already been crying, spends her time with Grant crying at him about how much she’s been struggling with this process, only to have Model Chloie interrupt and steal him away.
And then it’s time to line up. DRY YOUR TEARS, LADIES. YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO SAVE THEM FOR THE RIDE BACK TO THE AIRPORT.
Rose #1: Front Runner
Rose #2: Beverly
Rose #3: Big Head
Rose #4: Carolina
Rose #5: T-Shirt Gun
Rose #6: Hand Model
Rose #7: Rose is a Rose
Rose #8: Selfies
Rose #9: PowerPoint Girl
Rose #10: Jersey Girl
Rose #11: Model Chloie
Which means the women who must go away now are:
Christina Aguilera, Vicky Vegas, Someone Named Rebekah, and Someone Named Ella.
Upon being eliminated, Someone Named Ella literally collapses in sobs. Ma’am, your nickname was “Someone Named Ella.” If you have “Someone” in your nickname, you are always destined to be eliminated early.
Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Grant:
The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.
Good Lord!! No wonder I do NOT watch this idiotic program!