‘The Golden Bachelorette’: Nobody wants this

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelorette, the golden bachelorette: season 1

The Golden Bachelorette
October 2, 2024

This week’s foreshadowing features Joan in what is clearly Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Attire surrounded by the men on a couch, crying about how she’s just not sure she’s ready to move on. OH NOES! IS THE SEASON ABOUT TO COME TO AN ABRUPT THREE-EPISODE END?

Of course not, don’t be ridiculous.

So, it’s the second week at the McMANsion and everyone is exhausted. Between the enlarged prostrates requiring multiple midnight trips to the bathroom and being unaccustomed to sleeping in a group setting and Mystery Gregg’s snoring, no one is getting any real sleep.

Additionally, the entire lifestyle change is proving difficult for some men to adjust to, mostly Frenchie who has everyone else cooking for him and doing his laundry.

And so when Frenchie receives the first of two one-on-one dates of the week, I can’t help but worry for Joan. I hope Mr. Closet Full of Luxury Brands has enough disposable income to hire someone to cook and clean for him in the real world and isn’t just looking for a live-in maid and chef.

Joan arrives to collect Frenchie in a Porsche convertible which he is delighted by, and tries to take the keys from her. Fortunately, Joan stands her ground and insists she’s in the driver’s seat. She then drives them to a private jet that flies them to Las Vegas where they head to the Paris hotel and play around in fancy gowns and suits. They are then surprised by Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton, who performs a diminished serenade. (To be fair to Wayne Newton, he’s literally old enough to be Joan’s father.)

And listen, the Pretty Woman date is fun on any season, but it’s particularly fun to see a gender swap, with a Bachelorette gifting it to a male contestant. And there is no other contestant this season who would appreciate this date more. That said, I also kinda hated seeing this status-obsessed man be rewarded with the most pampering date in the Bachelor repertoire. It feels unearned and it doesn’t reveal anything new about him as a person.

That evening, they have dinner underneath the “Eiffel Tower” where Frenchie tells his story. Though he was born in Paris, he didn’t live in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. His family lived impoverished in a small apartment, six people in a room, no bathroom, no shower. His parents were not loving: they never complimented him, hugged him, told him they loved him, but instead sent him to go play outside in the street. (“WELCOME TO THE CLUB,” yells every single Gen Xer.)

When he received an opportunity to move to the United States, he asked his father if he should take his one pair of shoes that had a hole in the sole with him, and his father fixed the shoe by placing cardboard inside so that they could last a little longer, until he could buy a new pair. This was the closest thing to an affirmation he received from his parents that he might be successful one day.

He moved to America without speaking a word of English, and when he became lonely, he would talk to himself in the mirror, telling himself he was going to make it and to be positive.

Joan is moved by his resilience and optimism and offers him the date rose in that big Ferris Wheel at the end of the Strip.

Meanwhile, back at the McMANsion, the best contestants of the season, Charles in Charge and Party Gary, have gone to the pharmacy to try to find sleep aids so that the rest of the men can sleep better. They load up on sleep masks and melatonin and ear plugs and I need these two to have their own spinoff series.

After distributing the sleep aids to the other men, Charles in Charge approaches Dr. Guy with a medical question about his wife’s death. His wife collapsed from the aneurysm while they were on a business trip, and was taken to the hospital. He was left so confused and scared and upset and frustrated and when he realized she wasn’t going to make it, it was too much for him to handle. But after all these years, the one thing that has haunted him was that when she collapsed, he noticed that there was some blood in her mouth, and no one would tell him what that was from.

Dr. Guy, who is an emergency room doctor, assures Charles in Charge that his wife probably just bit her tongue when she fell, and Charles in Charge, bless him, he’s so grateful for this bit of information: he had never considered that before, and no one offered to explain it to him.

Dr. Guy offers a bit of emotional advice: Charles in Charge needs to stop dwelling on why his wife died. She had an aneurysm, it’s unfortunate but it happens, and Charles in Charge needs to stop thinking about it. Charles in Charge agrees: he’s hopeful he will find love but in the meantime, he hopes he sees a new version of himself.

OH NO I AM DEAD AGAIN, CALL THE CORONER.


The group date card is delivered: “Chock Full o’ Soup; Restraining Order Gil; Verklempt Dan; Charles in Charge; Willy Wonka; Mystery Gregg; Party Gary; Dr. Guy; Captain; Pickleball; Kelsey’s Dad; Clark Griswold: Let’s play the field together. Love, Joan.”

This means that Eyes Wide Shut receives the final one-on-one date, and his response is to start crying. He wants to go on the group date and going on this one-on-one could send him home.

Wh … what?

As for the group date, the men are brought to a football field where they are greeted by Joan, Eric Dickerson, and Andre Reed, who are football men apparently. They reveal that the men are going to play the first ever “Golden Bachelorette Quaker Oats Kick Bowl.”

The winning team gets to hang out with Joan after, the losers return to the McMANsion and take some melatonin gummies.

The men are all like, “Oh kickball, I can handle that.”

Readers: they can not handle that.

After some warm-up exercises, the men are split into two teams:

Red Team: Dr. Guy; Chock Full o’ Soup; Kelsey’s Dad; Willy Wonka; Verklempt Dan; and Mystery Gregg

Blue Team: Party Gary; Charles in Charge; Restraining Order Gil; Captain; Clark Griswold; and Pickleball

After a strong start from the Red Team in the first inning, and a number of hurt hamstrings and skinned shins, it’s Charles in Charge’s turn with two outs and men on base. Charles in Charge, who has never played kickball in his life, manages to kick in an RBI (and RKI?) and helps win the game for Team Blue.

At her special Winners’ Circle with Team Blue:

Pickleball manages to get his first kiss from Joan.

Captain shows off his kickball-related injuries.

Charles in Charge tells Joan about Dr. Guy easing his mind about his wife’s death, which makes Joan cry because IT MAKES ALL OF US CRY.

In the middle of the party, Joan receives a phone call from home, revealing that her 92-year-old mother has been sick for a few days with a respiratory issue. Joan finds herself torn: she knows her mother is probably OK and that she needs to be present with these men, but at the same time, it’s impossible to not be distracted.

So back to the men:

Clark Griswold talks about how much he misses his daughters.

Joan talks to Party Gary about her mother and how worried she is about her. Party Gary asks for Joan’s mother’s name and promises to include her in his prayers. This moves Joan, and she tells Party Gary that he makes her feel happy every day with his positivity and encouragement. This, in turn, leaves Party Gary emotional in an interview, over how good it feels to be noticed and like he matters.

Restraining Order Gil asks Joan about her family and she reveals that her father came to America from Holland during World War Two, and that her mother was raised in an orphanage after her grandmother developed tuberculosis and was unable to raise her. As a result, she doesn’t have any extended family aside from her children.

Restraining Order Gil tells Joan that he adopted his daughter when she was six months old, so he gets it (?).

And in the end, she offers the date rose to Restraining Order Gil EVEN THOUGH CHARLES IN CHARGE AND PARTY GARY ARE STANDING RIGHT THERE.

As for the final date that Eyes Wide Shut was so worried about, Joan and Eyes Wide Shut go horseback riding. That’s it. They ride horses. Joan doesn’t like horses: she was bitten by one once. She is not bitten this time.

After successfully riding said horses without being bit, Joan and Eyes Wide Shut enjoy some champagne and snacks and he opens up a little about his divorce. Nine years into what he thought was a happy marriage, out of the blue, his wife told him she was unhappy and wanted a divorce.

It’s never out of the blue. The man just wasn’t paying attention.

And so, when he received the one-on-one date and had to go pack up his things in the event she eliminated him on this date, it brought up a lot of old difficult feelings, and he cried.

But Joan reassures him fairly quickly, and offers him the rose, so he won’t be going home this week, can unpack his things, and stop crying already.

As they ride back, Joan muses that Eyes Wide Shut was more open with her than any man had been since her husband. But then she sees some hawks and becomes all emotional about her dead husband.

While all of this is happening, back at the McMANsion, Captain has written another song …

… and this time, he wants the entire house to sing it at Joan during the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. He passes out lyrics and sings it for everyone, but fortunately, Party Gary is like, “Hey, man, this is great, but we’re not going to do this.”

(It’s not great.)

Finally, it’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time, and Joan arrives In A Mood. She sits the men down and explains that she’s spent her life being a caregiver. And because she’s spent her life being a caregiver, she’s wanted to take care of each of them when they are being so open and vulnerable with her with their feelings.

But she’s realized that she’s not being her true self, and they deserve to know more about how she’s feeling. And how she’s feeling is that she misses her family; her mom is sick and she’s worried about her; and she’s not sure that she will ever fully be over her dead husband.

The men are all very understanding and applaud her for opening up about her feelings.

Chock Full o’ Soup is the first to take her aside where he reveals that his mother is sick, too, with stage 4 cancer, and promises Joan that he is there for her 100%.

Party Gary not only prays for her mother, he writes the prayer out, frames it, and offers it to Joan.

Charles in Charge shows Joan photos of his wife, and tells her that there is no rush for her to get over her husband, she has to take it at her own pace. He will be ahead of her or behind her, depending on what she needs.

And then despite the fact that no one asked for this, AND FOR NO GOOD GOD DAMNED REASON, Golden Bachelor Gerry shows up to offer “advice.”

He warns her to not try to find a replacement for her husband, to open herself up and be vulnerable, and be herself. Wow. How novel. Thanks. He also suggests that maybe the man she’s looking for might not be in the McMANsion. Dude, are you trying to suggest you might be the one?

Ultimately, Dr. Guy agrees to sing Captain’s song with him; Dr. Guy also prescribes “a lot of bubble baths” to fix what is ailing Joan; Kelsey’s Dad dances around in a shark onesie; and Pickleball brings her a black and white cookie.

And then it’s time to send someone’s dad home:

Rose #1: Dr. Guy
Rose #2: Verklempt Dan
Rose #3: Party Gary
Rose #4: Pickleball
Rose #5: Chock Full o’ Soup
Rose #6: Charles in Charge
Rose #7: Clark Griswold
Rose #8: Kelsey’s Dad

Which means we say goodbye to Willy Wonka; Mystery Gregg; and Captain.

Captain salutes the group, which is very sweet. But even sweeter? Dr. Guy runs outside to give him a hug before he leaves.

I MEAN, COME ON.*

*Anddddd … oh boy, looks like Dr. Guy has some baggage too, dammit. Listen to me carefully, ABC: No one has a right to be on a reality show. VET THESE MEN BETTER.

Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joan:

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesday on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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