Bachelor in Paradise
November 16, 2023
Last we left these dummies, Cap’n Chicago had just arrived in Paradise and everyone was hoping against hope that he would ask Big Toe to join him on his date, and … he does. Big Toe is so excited, she is already talking rings.
Just don’t ask her what Cap’n Chicago’s actual name is, because she’s already forgotten.
Olivia’s brain when the producer grills her on Cap’n Chicago’s name:
As for the date, Big Toe and Cap’n Crunch go to a drum circle? Where they dance enthusiastically? There is literally no explanation as to what is going on here because the editors are SO DONE with this season, so just know there were a bunch of people banging on bongos, Cap’n and Big Toe danced in the center of them, before being left by themselves (well, with the camera crew) to make out for a while. They seemed to be having fun, and that’s what matters.
The next morning, Bachelorette Rachel is chatting with Grizzly Adams about how Towelie gave her the rose at the most recent Rose Ceremony, but she’s not sure if it was a friendship rose or if it meant something more. If it was a friendship rose, she goes on to say, she’s running out of time to find someone to build a connection with.
CUE TWO NEW MEN INTO PARADISE:
Jordan from Gabby and Rachel’s season, who was nicknamed “Mario Andretti” on account of being a race car driver:
And some guy named Taylor? From Charity’s season? And he was on so briefly that he, too, receives the “arrow treatment” from the producers, pointing him out in a crowd on the first night, hours before he was eliminated.
But somewhat shockingly, I gave him a nickname, “Home Video” because he’s the one who came out of the limo, videotaping himself while meeting Charity so that he could show their future kids the moment their dad met their mom. Never mind that the moment was being filmed for a national TV audience … but I digress.
Now, Home Video, he’s just some Night One guy, but Mario Andretti, he’s an interesting case. He received the first one-on-one date from Bachelorette Rachel, and it seemed to be going great up until she declined to offer him a rose and sent him home that same night. It was weird!
Jesse Palmer explains that though two of them are going down into Paradise, there will be only one date card, and they’ll have to wait to find out who receives it. In the meantime, they should go downstairs and get to know everyone.
Bachelorette Rachel is as surprised as anyone to see Mario Andretti in Paradise, but happily agrees to chat with him when he asks. They talk about their ill-fated date and how Bachelorette Rachel feels bad that she cut their time short. They also discuss her time in Paradise and how she’s handling her time there differently than when she was the Bachelorette.
As for Home Video, he talks to a bunch of women, including Julia Roberts and Henry the Pig’s Mom.
But who cares, really, because we all know Mario Andretti was always going to be the one to get this date card. And when he does, he invites Bachelorette Rachel, who happily agrees.
Meanwhile, Towelie, who most decidedly did NOT give Bachelorette Rachel the rose as a “Friendship Rose,” pouts.
As for the date itself, Mario Andretti and Bachelorette Rachel do some tantric yoga on the beach with a bunch of strangers before making out for a while. Bachelorette Rachel notes that kissing Mario Andretti was as good as she remembered from the zero gravity date, but considering she sent him home after that, this isn’t much of an endorsement.
Back at Paradise, everyone is sizing up everyone else’s relationships, judging which will actually make it out of Paradise. The consensus seems to be: A-A-RON and German Sausage; Bullhorn and Junior; end list.
(Oh, and Bullhorn and Junior have an unintentionally hilarious conversation about baby names in which they discuss their favorites: Navy and Heaven. NAVY. AND HEAVEN. As the mother of a “North” [true story; happened a full decade+ before Kim and Kanye], I am here to say: absolutely not. Navy? NAVY? No.)
Bachelorette Rachel and Mario Andretti return from their date, and Bachelorette Rachel immediately takes Towelie aside to break up with him discuss things. Towelie tells her that since she went on her date, he doesn’t know where her head is at, or what Paradise looks like for them, and that he gave her his rose because of how much fun they had together. Bachelorette Rachel’s response: “I’m still figuring it out and um I don’t know and I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to hang out but also I don’t know and um I know you’ve been through so much here and I don’t want to add to that and I don’t know and do you know what I’m saying?”
Actually, ma’am, none of us have any idea what you’re saying.
Bachelorette Rachel ends up talking about Towelie with her ex Boardwalk Carny, who is like, “He gave you his rose because he’s into you, dummy,” and All-4-Wells is like, “Hey, if you want to know what someone is thinking or feeling, here’s an idea: ask them.”
So Bachelorette Rachel returns to Towelie and is like, “All-4-Wells says that I should talk to you like an adult and ask if you are into me or what?” And Towelie is like, “YES, GAH, COME ON.” He goes on to say that he wants to leave Paradise with someone with whom he can go to dinner and travel and start a business and take over the world and come home and watch Netflix.
Bachelorette Rachel: “That’s the most attractive thing I’ve heard on this beach.”
They agree to try at this relationship thing and Bachelorette Rachel is as surprised as anyone.
(Well, maybe not Mario Andretti, who will certainly be at least a little surprised.)
Elsewhere, A-A-RON and German Sausage become officially girlfriend and boyfriend over some flowers and snacks, taking them one step further to getting engaged (after knowing each other for two weeks).
The next morning, after All-4-Wells gives Dangly Earrings shit for his dumb hat — and it is dumb:
All-4-Wells breaks out the “Truth Box” which this week contains these gems:
- Pilot Peter Jr. shaves his legs
- Deep Dive and Julia Roberts are going the distance
- No, seriously, Pilot Peter Jr. shaves his legs
- Everyone knows Boardwalk Carny isn’t that into Henry the Pig’s Mom and he should come clean because she deserves the truth.
OH YES, LET’S TALK ABOUT THAT. And by that, I mean Boardwalk Carny and Glitter Bomb’s kiss, right? RIGHT?
Instead, when Boardwalk Carny and Henry the Pig’s Mom do finally talk about it, Boardwalk Carny makes noises about how he has been putting up walls because of what happened to him last season (don’t know; don’t care) and he’s worried about dating long distance.
Henry the Pig’s Mom starts realizing that maybe this isn’t the guy after all.
OH, and there is ZERO MENTION of the makeout session with Glitter Bomb because apparently we all mass hallucinated that or something.
Later, a date card is delivered, and despite that new guy, what’s his name, Home Video?’s hopes, it’s a double date for Junior and Pilot Peter, Jr. Soon, they find themselves in town with Bullhorn and Canada Sam, where All-4-Wells is … serving them shots.
Did they actually leave Paradise?
The men are challenged to twerk and Junior … he’s really not into it, until he is:
They also participate in a contest where Junior, Pilot Peter, Jr., and two randos take off their shirts, and Canada Sam and Bullhorn are blindfolded and tasked to identify their dates by fondling the men’s chests. And, you know, this is … whatever. However, at one point, Canadian Sam feels up one of the randos and asks, “Is this a child?” which is just SO UNNECESSARY. Here’s to hoping that gentleman doesn’t speak English.
Back at Paradise, meanwhile, everyone is like, “Wow, Grizzly Adams and Glitter Bomb: what a cute couple! Who’da thunk?”
CUE THE ENTRANCE OF BACHELORETTE KATIE.
Sooooo … Bachelorette Katie ended up getting engaged to Grizzly Adams after he showed up like 75% into the season, which still seems ill-advised. And as it turns out: it was! because they did not end up getting married.
After a vague conversation with Jesse Palmer, Bachelorette Katie heads down to Paradise to the surprise and pronounced nausea of Grizzly Adams who has not seen her since they broke up over the phone two years ago.
OK, BUT THAT IS NOT HOW YOU END AN ENGAGEMENT.
But despite the conversation Grizzly Adams and Bachelorette Katie go on to have privately about their relationship and breakup, I have no idea what happened, who broke up with whom, or why any of it happened. There are a lot of concerned looks, a lot of dramatic music, and a lot of cuts back to Glitter Bomb looking sick to her stomach, but not much actual information.
At one point, Bachelorette Katie asks Grizzly Adams about the connection he’s made here and he’s like, “She’s 24,” and Bachelorette Katie is all:
SAME GIRL, SAME.
Meanwhile, until Bachelorette Katie and Grizzly Adams return to the group, there is a lot of hand-wringing about whether or not Bachelor Katie is here to compete — which, obviously not, she’s too busy hooking up with the male sluts over on FBoy Island, guys.
Grizzly Adams and Bachelorette Katie rejoin the group around the same time the double date returns from their outing. Once everyone has gathered, Bachelorette Katie reveals the real reason she’s there: she’s begun a stand-up career (I KNOW, I’VE ALREADY HEARD ABOUT THIS ON FBOY ISLAND AND I AM AS INCREDULOUS AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW), and she’s in Paradise to host the first ever Bachelor in Paradise Roast, in which they will all have the opportunity to talk about shit about each other.
The Paradisers break up into teams of two to write their jokes — “jokes” — while also giving confessionals about how well they do being made fun of.
Spoiler alert: THERE WILL BE TEARS.
“I’m already unstable, any roast that comes my way will make me cry” is the most I’ve related to Jess this whole show. #bachelorinparadise pic.twitter.com/tWx8ZnyYGk
— Arianna (@xStarriArix) November 22, 2023
As for the roast itself … it’s rough. Bachelorette Katie opens with jokes about how dumb Deep Dive is and how she called Grizzly Adams “Daddy.” Harmless enough!
Mario Andretti keeps it going with some toothlessness, having Junior join him to do a gentle impersonation of Bachelorette Rachel. It’s fine! Sweet even!
Pilot Peter, Jr. calls Jesse Palmer a “big fat thumb” and Deep Dive jokes about Big Toe still being there. Which … kinda … ouch? But she takes it like a champ.
Henry the Pig’s Mom makes a joke about Cap’n Chicago spending a lot of time on water but struggling to get a woman wet, and, again he laughs it off. And Mario Andretti makes a joke about Dangly Earrings being an assistant manager at Claire’s. Fine! Sure! Dangly Earrings is one big Claire’s joke!
But then things take a turn: A-A-RON makes a joke about Deep Dive not being able to tell the difference between a red flag and a “homie hunter” — meaning Julia Roberts. Grizzly Adams makes a joke about how Julia Roberts, not Legend, was the one full of shit this entire time. Towelie makes a joke about how Julia Roberts’ botox prevented him from knowing how she felt about him ruining her birthday. And then there’s Big Toe who jokes about how Julia Roberts and Bullhorn have a lot in common as they both stole her “man” before asking how she tastes. Bullhorn laughs it off; Julia Roberts … not so much.
And then there’s Henry the Pig’s Mom. Boardwalk Carny makes a joke about how she’s not a Mercedes, she’s a *bleep* (Kia?). She does not think it’s cute. A-A-RON makes a joke about how Boardwalk Carny is more committed to piercing his ear (which he did) than he is to Henry the Pig’s Mom. She does not think it’s cute.
There are a bunch of jokes at Glitter Bomb’s expense about how young she is — WHICH, CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER, BABY. I WISH someone would call me young.
Sorry not sorry; had a hot flash.
And then there are the Bachelorette Rachel jokes: Olivia jokes that at least Bachelorette Katie knew when to hang it up and not make a career out of being the Bachelorette; A-A-RON wonders how she “crashed landed” on Paradise and still can’t find a man; and, perhaps cruelest of all, Towelie jokes about how they were all hoping that the Bachelorette in Paradise would be Gabby.
Well, that’s the end of THAT relationship.
The next morning, the women are PISSED and talking about not even giving out any roses that night because FUCK THEM GUYS. And Big Toe is like, “You know what? Sit back tonight. Don’t do anything. Make them come to you.” FAIR, MAMA.
The men, meanwhile, are like, “Oh shit, did we do too much?”
Everyone gathers in the Breakup Palapa and after Jesse Palmer’s greetings and blessings, the crowd is sent out to the beach to figure this shit out.
We end the evening with Grizzly asking Glitter Bomb to come chat with him, and she immediately reads NERVOUS! NERVOUS! NERVOUS! And with good reason: as Grizzly Adams explains in a confessional, he spent more time with Glitter Bomb than he did with Bachelorette Katie, but he understood the love he had for Bachelorette Katie, and he should have felt it for Glitter Bomb by now …
But we’ll have to wait until the next episode for the inevitable breakup. Probably many breakups! Until then, my sandy darlings.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays on ABC at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.