The Golden Bachelor
November 16, 2023
It’s the first — and only — travel of the season, and the show has packed up Gerry, Prince Groupie, and Birthday Suit and brought them down to Costa Rica for the shudder-inducing Fantasy Suites and (hopefully) a proposal. Gerry marvels at the adventure he’s been on so far, before that now that he finds himself in love with two women, it’s Serious Business time. He’s looking forward to spending some time alone with Prince Groupie and Birthday Suit, to asking some difficult questions, and to potentially becoming physically intimate with one or both ladies.
THAT’S RIGHT, GET THE VIAGRA OUT BECAUSE IT’S TIME FOR THE GRANDPA SEXYTIMES AND YOU DON’T GET TO LOOK AWAY.
Jesse Palmer asks Gerry if he’s prepared to be intimate with these women, and Gerry is like, “Old people fuck, too, Jesse Palmer. Your parents are totally doing it.”
Jesse Palmer then asks specifically about both women and Gerry explains that Prince Groupie is fun, playful, and authentic and he told her that he loved her because it just came out in the moment.
As for Birthday Suit, Gerry feels like he has a lot in common with her because dead spouses. He hasn’t told her he loves her yet, because he’s waiting for the right moment.
Because he just can’t seem to wrap his head around old people fucking, Jesse Palmer again asks about Gerry becoming intimate with these women, and Gerry’s like, “HELL YEAH I’M GONNA GET ‘INTIMATE,’ I’M NOT GOING TO PASS THIS UP, IT MIGHT BE MY LAST CHANCE, JESSE PALMER.”
Prince Groupie has the first Fantasy Suite, and when she and Gerry meet up, these producers have her do the run and jump into his arms. ABC LAWYERS: ARE YOU AWARE THIS SHOW IS HAVING 70-YEAR-OLDS TACKLE EACH OTHER? ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
As for the date, Gerry is making this woman rappel down a 180-foot waterfall for some reason. Again: Prince Groupie is a 64-year-old mother of three, she has nothing to prove to anyone, much less needs to strap herself into a harness and dangle over a wet cliff in a developing country for the attention of some reality TV schmo.
But she does it because of course she does it and then they burble about “conquering fears” and “breaking down barriers” and blah blah blah.
That night, they meet for “dinner” (but even they laugh it up when Gerry asks Prince Groupie if she’s “hungry” suggesting what we already know — that “dinner” is not actually for eating on these shows). After some small talk about that afternoon’s adventure, Gerry gets down to business, challenging Prince Groupie to ask him “the hard questions” and she is quick with an important one: when was the last time he had sex?
Gerry:
After he collects himself, Gerry admits it’s been a “long time,” and Prince Groupie tells him that it’s been a year for her.
Gerry asks her what she envisions for them in terms of where they’d live if they choose to be together, and Prince Groupie says she’s not sure. She doesn’t want to leave Minneapolis permanently, it’s where the kids and grandkids are. But at the end of the day she wants to be with him, and she’s confident they could be Midwestern bicoastal.
LOOK AT THEM TALKING ABOUT REAL PRACTICALITIES. DO RELIGION AND POLITICS NEXT!
Gerry is pleased with this answer, that they will figure it out, and I suspect he had Biker Chick’s “I’m not living anywhere but in this podunk town in Washington” attitude in mind. And this IS a huge issue: when I was assessing the contestants ahead of the premiere, this question of where the couple would live was my biggest consideration. These are older folks who are going to want to be close to their own people; I’m just surprised we are only getting to this conversation now.
Anyway.
Prince Groupie becomes emotional talking about how the concept of “death do us part” is foreign to her, though she has been searching for it her entire life. He offers her the date card, and Prince Groupie is like, “ABSOLUTELY, YES.”
Once inside the suite, they discuss their hope for clarity and growth. Gerry then repeats Trista’s advice of finding the woman he can’t live without, and this man, he tells Prince Groupie that he thinks she’s “the one.” SON, YOU BETTER BE READY TO PROPOSE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO A WOMAN. BECAUSE IF YOU DO NOT … WELL, THIS IS HOW BUNNIES END UP GETTING BOILED.
There is kissing and rolling around in the bed and as the camera crew shows themselves out, Gerry and Prince Groupie discuss the temperature in the room, and how it’s too hot. When Gerry asks what temperature Prince Groupie would like to set it to, suggesting 70, she quips, “69” and then they giggle and giggle like middle schoolers.
The next morning, Gerry notes that it was nice to wake up next to Prince Groupie, adding that they were up at 2:30, 3 a.m., talking about “anything.”
And listen, Gerry knows you perverts want to know what happened in the Fantasy Suite, but, to quote him: “IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.”
Huh. Well, someone seems … defensive.
They discuss how hard it is to say goodbye, and Gerry insists he’ll miss her until he sees her again before leaving for his second Fantasy Suite date with Birthday Suit. As he goes, Prince Groupie admits that she struggles knowing that he is leaving to spend time with Birthday Suit before adding that they are good friends, and she has nothing bad to say about her competition. Because these are grown-ass ladies acting like grown-ups.
As for their date, the producers again encourage these 70-somethings to do the run and jump AND I SWEAR, YOU PEOPLE BETTER HAVE PARAMEDICS STANDING BY.
Me everytime they jump into this man over 70’s arms #TheGoldenBachelor #GoldenBachelor pic.twitter.com/AWKfN1iZHr
— Sarah (@sjdemps) November 17, 2023
As the date proceeds — they ride horses, an adventure that is a lot less likely to end in a trip to the hospital but still plenty dangerous for folks in their 70s — Gerry is noticeably distracted and distant, his mind clearly on Prince Groupie, and Birthday Suit gently calls him out on it. Gerry realizes that he’s not completely focused on this date (maybe because we’re not designed to date multiple people at once), and he decides he’s going to get his shit together and give Birthday Suit a chance … while at the same time, he admits that he’s wondering what Prince Groupie is doing right then.
That night at “dinner,” Gerry tells Birthday Suit that they need to start having serious conversations, and this man, who has been dating this woman for WEEKS now and is a week away from potentially ASKING HER TO MARRY HIM, he asks her what she does for a living.
HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT SHE DID FOR A LIVING.
Gerry not knowing what Theresa does for work is very funny and then being stunned that she's got it all together. Incredible. Men are unserious at every age. #GoldenBachelor
— Two Time Emmy Winner Ali B (@wtflanksteak) November 17, 2023
And Birthday Suit, despite having the empty gaze of a very sweet but very dumb dog who has no idea what is going on but is just happy to be there …
… this woman became a self-taught day trader and landed a job in finance without a college degree.
GOOD FOR YOU, MA’AM.
Birthday Suit then talks about how after her husband died she wasn’t really interested in dating, not until this opportunity came along, which is why she feels like they are fated to be together.
Gerry offers her the Fantasy Suite card, and she happily agrees. Gerry notes that he’s glad he remained open-minded about this date with Birthday Suit (especially after finding out she knows how to make the money, amirite?) and didn’t potentially shut himself off from an opportunity of a lifetime with someone wonderful.
In the Fantasy Suite, Birthday Suit makes a comment about how Gerry likes to sleep on the right-hand side of the bed, and he’s taken aback that she knows that. But the thing is, at some point, she had asked him about it and remembered his answer because she’s a woman and not a dumb man who can’t be bothered to find out WHAT SOMEONE DOES FOR A LIVING UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE BEFORE PROPOSING TO THEM.
I swear to God.
The next morning, Gerry says that the night before was special and “eye-opening” and that whatever trepidation he had about Birthday Suit vanished within the first hour. On camera, she tells him that she loves him, and this man, he replies, “You know how I feel about you.”
Gerry insists that he told her he loved her the night before, and that he said it from the bottom of his heart, but I don’t know, Gerry. I just don’t know, buddy.
Gerry takes his leave, and the remaining moments of the episode are just him wringing his hands about being in love with both women and having told them both that he loved them. While Prince Groupie is “exciting” and “adventurous,” he and Birthday Suit have a bond over having lost spouses. WHAT TO DO?
Well, whatever he decides, we have to wait until after Thanksgiving to find out, so get comfortable.
@mattycordova19 Fantasy Suites #thegoldenbachelor #protectgerry #fantasysuite #volcano #iceman #sloth #worriedsick #pager
Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Gerry:
The Golden Bachelor airs Thursdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.