‘The Bachelorette’: Brother knew best.

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 20

The Bachelorette
July 17, 2023

Our rapidly diminishing group heads to Stevenson, Washington for the next round of dates and opportunities to wear lots of flannel. They are staying in a lodge on the Columbia River Gorge, which I’m sure is absolutely gorgeous in the summer, but in the spring when they were filming this, it is mostly misty or full-out raining. Still quite lovely! Gorgeous even. But not exactly what they advertise on the site.

Jesse Palmer greets the men and explains that they’re in Bigfoot country, but SPOILER ALERT: no Bigfoots are spotted, much less rampage through the contestants, to my deep disappointment.

The first date card is left: “Tall Dotun: Let’s leap into love. Charity.” And then we all have to pretend that we don’t know that this is going to be a bungee date.

But obviously, it’s a bungee date. It’s always a bungee date.

Charity drives them to a 20-story bridge over a narrow little river, where their bungee guides explain that they will experience somewhere between 2.9 and 3.1 G forces. Once she’s completely strapped in and helmeted up, Charity tearfully explains that this will be a good bonding experience EVEN THOUGH SHE’S FULLY TERRIFIED AND DOES NOT WANT TO DO THIS PLEASE AND THANK YOU. And did I mention that Tall Dotun’s greatest fear is heights? And that this dummy clearly revealed that on his application and that’s why we’re here now?

ALWAYS LIE ABOUT YOUR BIGGEST FEARS. YOUR NEW BIGGEST FEARS ARE PUPPIES AND CHOCOLATE.

“My biggest heights is fears.”

But nevertheless, Charity and Tall Dotun climb up to the platform together and leap off backward into the gorge. And apparently it’s so “insane” and “liberating” and somehow “peaceful” that these lunatics actually go for a second time.

NOPE. No.

But whatever. Charity feels “protected” by Tall Dotun through the experience — even though there’s very little he could have done to protect her from a horrifying death had anything gone wrong — and they enjoy a lovely rainbow together.

That evening, Charity and Tall Dotun make s’mores (his very first) and they eat them Lady and the Tramp style.

ONCE AGAIN, I AM IMPLORING YOU PEOPLE: NOT ALL FOODS ARE TO BE EATEN LADY AND THE TRAMP STYLE.

Over “dinner,” they discuss Tall Dotun’s journey to America, and how it shaped him as a person. Charity relates to this, as her parents worked hard and she also developed an “achievement-oriented mindset.” She then begins talking about how she’s not “perfect” and Tall Dotun responds by talking about being put in a box as a tall athlete? I don’t know, I didn’t really follow this conversation, honestly.

But! It doesn’t matter because they are vibing and are soon making out in the well-traveled Bachelor portable hot tub.

Charity offers him the rose, because obviously.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Earrings is becoming irritated with the other men for having the audacity to develop feelings for Charity, fully convinced that he’s the only one who really knows her. After all, he’s the only one who knows her favorite color (blue). CASE CLOSED. Later, he complains to Cap’n Chicago about how he wants Charity to “stop being the Bachelorette” for one minute and truly be herself.

He’s just the worst and literally everyone hates him. WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN TO YOUR BROTHER, CHARITY?

The group date card arrives: “Tennis Boy; A-A-RON, Cap’n Chicago, Ric Flair, Earrings, Big Check, Sad Pop Song, Towelie: Meet me in the woods. Charity.”

This means Almost-Dr. X has the second one-on-one date of the week, and Sad Pop Song has a sad.

So everyone bundles up in their flannel shirts and their barn jackets — except for Earrings who, despite making those earrings and matronly scarves his entire personality, has decided that he is going to assert his dominant masculinity over the others in the group by only wearing a button down, which he proceeds to slowly unbutton over the course of the date until he has taken it all the way off.

But I’m jumping ahead of myself.

Charity meets the men in the woods, where she introduces some “experts” who will be helping them with their activity: three NotGirl Scouts, Brinley, Kay, and Aria.

Aria lives up to her namesake.

ARIA IS NOT HERE TO TAKE YOUR SHIT, GENTLEMEN.

The scouts explain that they are going to test the men on their resourcefulness, bravery, and strength, and whoever impresses them the most will get extra time with Charity under “the kissing tree.”

Their first assignment is to go into the woods and find something edible. And it better be something better than dirt, grass, or twigs, they warn. “RUN!” the girls bark.

I am in love.

As the men hurry off into the woods, the scouts ask Charity which of the men is the smartest. “DEFINITELY NOT EARRINGS,” replies Charity, so at least she knows that much.

Eventually, the scouts call the “smelly boys” back to display their finds, and Big Check makes a comment about how they are so cute in their uniforms, but turn into “demons.”

In an interview, the scouts insist they are not “demons”  — except for my girl Aria:

I am in love.

The men then show off their food finds: a collection of mushrooms and pine nuts and at least one frog.

In the next challenge, the scouts ask the men a series of questions, including how they would keep Charity warm without a fire; which of the men they would eat to survive (they all choose Earrings; except Earrings who chooses Big Check); and how they want this journey to end with Charity. A-A-RON writes “on one knee” while Earrings puts down “to be content.”

The scouts choose A-A-RON as their winner.

Earrings is outraged.

And for some reason now shirtless.

God bless the chyron editor.

That evening, the men gather for the cocktail party and discuss how impressed they are that the process seems to be working, how they can picture introducing her to their families, and maybe spending their lives with her.

Earrings says that he is trying to determine if Charity is someone he could spend his life with, to which A-A-RON, who has had enough of his scarfy foolishness, tells him he’s pessimistic and wasting everyone’s time.

This sets off a quarrel between the two men — Earrings is still angry A-A-RON tattled on him the week previous — and he is pretty sure it’s because A-A-RON is threatened by him. A-A-RON assures him he is not, he’s just calling out Earrings’ bullshit, like packing his bags and threatening to leave. Earrings responds that it’s hard to be there watching other dudes date Charity — as if that’s not a challenge for all of them on this show.

As Big Check points out, between having had a one-on-one and receiving the First Impression Rose, Earrings has probably had more time with Charity than anyone, and yet he’s still having doubts about whether he can see himself proposing. Earrings responds that his goal coming on the show was “to make a connection with a woman,” which the other men point out is not Charity’s goal. Her goal is to find a husband. And just as Earrings assures them that he will be able to leave if he can’t make that connection with her, Charity enters the room.

The men begin explaining to Charity that Earrings is out here saying that he still has doubts about getting engaged, and Towelie points out that there is only one person in this group who has packed his bags to leave more than twice. “Yeah, and that’s me,” Earrings announces.

Despite claiming that Charity already knew that he had packed his bags to leave, she corrects him: she didn’t know that he had done it multiple times.

With that, Charity invites Earrings for a little chat alone. There, she asks him what the fuck is going on with him, and he explains that he’s in a bad mood because she was so mean to him last week. Charity explains she wasn’t angry with him, she just needed to address what she had heard from the other men about his lack of readiness for all of this.

He insists that he still doesn’t know how where he sits with her, and she’s like, “BITCH, I COULD NOT HAVE MADE IT MORE CLEAR, MY GOD.” He whines about the fact that she’s made connections with other men, and she’s like, “Yeah, that’s how this works, friend.” She asks him how he’s really feeling in this moment, and he finally admits that he doesn’t want to be there anymore, and that he’s not capable of “getting there” in this environment. So Charity is — FINALLY — like “GREAT, FINE, LEAVE, LET’S GO PUT YOU IN THE FUCK OFF AND DIE VAN ALREADY.”

Charity says in an interview that she is not capable of fixing Earrings (good girl) and that he reminds her of her ex — always playing the victim and refusing to take accountability.

In the GO AWAY AND TAKE YOUR STUPID EARRINGS WITH YOU van, Earrings recognizes that he “opened [his] mouth too much,” before adding that he doesn’t think the door is fully shut with Charity.

With that bit of irritating business finally taken care of, Charity returns to the men for their cocktail party. There, she chats with each of the men and gives the date rose to Tennis Boy. The men who didn’t receive the rose are disappointed, sure, but nothing can diminish the pure joy of seeing that little bitch be sent home. Finally.

The next day, Charity goes on her final one-on-one date with Almost-Dr. X. The two go to a winery for a “fruit festival” that appears to be attended by exactly five other people. There they eat fruit and pepper jelly and make pear jam with their bare feet. They also ride a train to … somewhere. Who knows. The takeaway is that Charity enjoys her time with Almost-Dr. X, there’s definitely an attraction, but that he also reminds her of her ex-boyfriend and she doesn’t trust him.

But at dinner that night, when Charity asks him what his biggest relationship fear is, and he tells her not having his love reciprocated, she begins to soften on him. And by the time he explains that he is pursuing his doctorate in biochemistry because his mother has multiple sclerosis, Charity is crying and she offers him the date rose.

Finally, it’s Rose Ceremony time. Everyone is relieved to have a less toxic environment thanks to Earrings’ elimination, but also low-key panicking that there are so few roses left. Charity arrives and starts talking to the men:

A-A-RON gives her a shoulder massage to help work out some of the stress from the week; she shows Tall Dotun a picture of herself when she was four — the same age he was when he came to the United States; she takes Towelie outside to make out for some reason.

And then, while Charity is visiting with Sad Pop Song (“visiting” = “chewing on his face”), and the other men are toasting each other for being the last nine standing, who should stomp into the building in flip-flops but Earrings. Though A-A-RON spots him, and GASPS! like he just saw a ghost, Earrings doesn’t pause to talk to the men, but instead clomps down the hallway, looking for Charity.

Earrings does eventually find the room where Charity and Sad Pop Song are feverishly making out and awkwardly stands in the corner until Sad Pop Song happens to look up and spot him, and, like A-A-RON, both Sad Pop Song and Charity let out shocked gasps.

Sad Pop Song excuses himself so that she can talk to this asshole. Again. But he is NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. And he’s not alone. A-A-RON says he’s ready to wage war; and Big Check — who is wearing a large scarf over his suit — is dismissive of Earrings with his flip-flops and scarf.

This leads to an ABSOLUTELY ICONIC moment on this show:

FIVE STARS, NO NOTES.

Meanwhile, Charity is like, “Alright, what do you have to say, Jackass?” And Earrings explains that he didn’t like the way he left the other night. He admits there were things that he “couldn’t” tell her and says that he wishes he had opened up more.

Charity is like, “Yeah, that is too bad. Oh well!” Earrings says that he came back to let her know that she didn’t do anything wrong, and she’s like, “YEAH. I KNOW. Good luck with everything, Dipshit. BYE. AGAIN.”

Earrings heads out to the NO REALLY, STAY GONE van, and is trailed by the other men who have a thing or two to say; mostly Sad Pop Song who is furious Earrings stole time with Charity from him, and A-A-RON who has HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CLOWN. Threats to kick each others’ asses are exchanged until the producers close the van doors and drive him away for everyone’s safety and sanity.

The men return to the cocktail party where Sad Pop Son asks the other men for their permission to continue his conversation with Charity, and they gladly agree. BUT HA HA, Jesse Palmer has different ideas, and sends them to line up for the Rose Ceremony.

Rose #1: A-A-RON
Rose #2: Towelie
Rose #3: Big Check

Which means the men who must go away now are:

Ric Flair, Cap’n Chicago, and Sad Pop Song, just as he feared. They all have kind words for the men who remain but I think that’s just because they were so traumatized by what a piece of garbage Earrings was.

Because have y’all met Big Check?

Bye, boys.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Charity:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Charity:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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