‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: The beginning of the VanderEnd

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Showdown at Villa Rosa”
April 2, 2019

After RUSHING RUSHING RUSHING to get married because Denise’s quack husband insisted on getting married on the eighth of the month — even though there’s an eighth day in every month — these two do not go on a honeymoon, but instead, stay home and unwrap gifts. I mean, fine, sure, whatever, but explain to me why they rushed to get married again? Was this a scheme to have the show pay for their wedding? Or is this some sort of tax scam in which they can intend to try to write off the costs of the wedding because it was part of the show? Can you do that?

Anyway, they receive a bunch of bullshit gifts like candles and towels and Denise tells Quackery that her daughter told her after the wedding that she’s so happy that she feels like they have a family now. Which, when your dad is Charlie Sheen, I guess you’re thrilled to have anyone join your family who isn’t a prostitute.

That out of the way, the rest of the episode is pretty much entirely devoted to this whole dog mess. Again.

caroline exasperated annoyed sigh rhonj

Over at VanderPets, Lisa is very VanderExcited that one of her VanderPuppies has been chosen to participate in the Puppy Bowl, which yay! Absolutely! Vandorable! So she’s busy doing an interview about that while also coordinating with Florida Congressman Alcee Hastings about a House congressional vote on a resolution condemning the Yulin Dog Festival, a vote that will take place later that afternoon.

MEANWHILE, at the same time and down the street, Teddi is leading a spin class as a fundraiser FOR VANDERPETS. And not only is she leading the class, but the entire cast shows up, including Dorit who had just been VanderSmeared in a Radar article sometime earlier in the week. And how many people from VanderPets show up, you might ask? One woman whom we’ve never met before who drops off a couple of VanderPuppies and VanderPeaces right out of there.

So that’s not a great VanderLook.

The class happens and there’s nothing to report here except for Teddi throwing some fine shade when, at the end of the class, she thanks her friends for showing up because that’s what REAL friends do.


Meanwhile, at VanderPets, Lisa, Grandpa Ken, John Sessa, Pandora and this John Blizzard guy that Lisa and Grandpa Ken DEFINITELY DO NOT KNOW, watch as congress brings up the Yulin Dog Festival resolution for a vote. Congress does … something, but no one knows what just happened, so Lisa has to call Representative Hasting’s office to be all, “WHAT JUST HAPPENED, DARLING?” which is how they learn that the resolution passed. VANDERHOORAY! everyone yells while popping champagne. VANDERHOORAY! THE UNITED STATES HAS SIGNED A VERY STERNLY WORDED LETTER TELLING THE CHINESE THAT THEIR DOG-EATING FESTIVAL IS GROSS AND NOT OKAY! WE VANDERDID IT!

patti cake$ baller champagne

The other ladies meet for lunch where Teddi again points out that no one from VanderPets even showed up at the gym until 10:30 (when they were supposed to be there by 10) much less Lisa her VanderSelf. Kyle explains that actually, Lisa had another engagement at VanderPets, and in fact called her the night before to invite Kyle to join. Kyle, having committed to the spin event, declined Lisa’s Vandertation, but she’s no so quick to blame Lisa for missing the spin event because how is she supposed to be in two VanderPlaces at once, right?


Melrose Beverly Hills Real Housewives Map

I mean.

Kyle is all, “I dunno, you guys … ” but the thing is the article was TOTALLY VanderPlanted by Lisa, obviously. The language is absolutely hers (“the poor creature”) and as Rinna points out: Lisa knows how to VanderPlant stories, and has connections at Radar and TMZ.

Kyle, knowing full well that Lisa has a bad VanderHabit of leaking things to the press, admits that she wants to defend her friend against these allegations, but she just can’t. She wonders why Dorit hasn’t confronted Lisa about it, and Dorit, correctly, is like, “WHAT’S THE POINT? She’ll just deny it.” Kyle weakly posits that if Lisa did plant the story, it’s because she wants people to take her side.

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Kyle continues to insist that Lisa’s going through a bad time, which is why she’s going to burn down everyone else in her life.

dragon wings daenerys game of thrones
This one right here, she gets it.

Denise notes that she knows a thing or two about shitty tabloid stories and adds that sometimes it’s best to just ignore them because responding to them only gives them oxygen. However, Teddi points out, and not incorrectly, that stories that involve animals really sets off some people, and Dorit adds that her family has received threatening messages already. So, that’s cool.

And look! I think that Dorit was an asshole in this situation — she usually is — and that she absolutely should have alerted Lisa to what was going on with the dog (I also think that her kids probably provoked that dog and that it’s generally a bad idea to mix toddlers with purse dogs in the first place). But Teddi’s not wrong when she says people become UNHINGED when it comes to animals and that putting Dorit in this particular line of fire may have had consequences that Lisa had not VanderAnticipated.

Meanwhile, over at VanderPets, Lisa and John Sessa are still celebrating, and Sessa, this bitch, he has the gall to say that it’s a shame that the women didn’t join them at VanderPets, you know, while they were raising money for VanderPets. Lisa makes noises about how grateful she is for their charity work before completely shitting on the event and how much (or little) money it will actually bring in. Lisa then VanderPats herself on the back for not canceling the spin event, as that would have just looked VanderPetty.

ya think friends o really

Later, Kyle meets Teddi at Kyle’s friend Sharon’s house? For some reason? Sharon is also very wealthy and there is a lot of wealthy lady nonsense happening, like small dogs in diapers and day wine. Sharon is a jeweler who is making replicas of Kyle’s mother’s cocktail rings that she lost in the burglary, so that’s nice, I guess.

Anyway, I think the real reason they meet at Sharon’s house is so that they have a third party to whom Teddi and Kyle can reveal the most recent VanderShenanigan: Immediately after their lunch, Lisa ran to TMZ to defend Dorit in a transparent attempt to 1. distance herself from the Radar story and 2. to make her look like a good friend. Except! She still has not reached out to Dorit in any way after the Radar story was published, so, you know, this is all a load of VanderShit, and Kyle comes to the conclusion that it’s about time she confronts Lisa.

Meanwhile, over at Harry Hamlin and Rinna’s home, he prepares for a solo camping trip while Rinna natters at him about the whole dog mess. Harry Hamlin responds with some Harry Hamlin wisdom — hamdom, I think we can call it — in which he instructs Rinna to not think of the dog crap as “drama,” but instead as propaganda. Propaganda is used to drive wedges between groups, and destabilize them so that one person can swoop in and take over.

Rinna’s mind, it is blown. And then she calls Lisa “VanderTrump,” so that’s pretty great.

And then Harry Hamlin tries to convince Rinna to go on the camping trip with him and she absolutely refuses because FUCK NO.

girl same

So, finally, the confrontation we’ve been waiting for all season arrives: Kyle vs. Lisa in the VANDERVILLA SHOWDOWN.

gloria white people drama ahs

When Kyle arrives at PINK HOUSE, Lisa is initially thrilled to see her, but Lisa’s VanderMood turns dark, quickly, as Kyle begins talking about how upset Dorit is about the Radar Online story, and that everyone is pretty sure Lisa, or someone in her camp, VanderPlanted it.

Lisa protests that the ONLY thing she has said publicly about the Dorit dog mess was to TMZ where she defended Dorit! SHE PUT HERSELF ON THE LINE FOR DORIT. But Kyle’s like, “Yeah, but you’re the one always saying that one must ask who benefits from a particular story, and you’re the only one who benefits from the Radar story.”

Lisa is VANDERFURIOUS and demands to know who believes that she VanderPlanted the story, and Kyle’s like, “Everyone with a brain.” Kyle then tries to say that she’s just trying to be a good friend and let Lisa know what is being said, at which point Grandpa Ken joins the fun and tells Kyle SHE IS NOT BEING A GOOD VANDERFRIEND.

Lisa adds that Kyle is not backing her up AGAIN, before insisting that she did absolutely nothing wrong, going so far as to swear it on Giggy’s life. (And Pandora and Max’s but they don’t really VanderCount.) Kyle suggests that maybe Lisa cares more about her image than her friendships, which is the exact point at which it all VanderBreaks. Lisa announces that she is done with Kyle and demands that she leave.

Grandpa Ken brings out the computer with Lisa’s performance on TMZ cued up and yells that this is FUCKING GENUINE and that LISA WOULD NEVER SAY SUCH A THING ABOUT HER. “YOU”RE A FUCKING LIAR. YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND AND YOU’RE NOT HER FRIEND.” Grandpa Ken then begins screaming that Kyle is part of the “fucking gang” which sounds like a group of swingers, but not what he meant (presumably), and Lisa intervenes, pushing Grandpa Ken out of the argument because she doesn’t want him getting all wound up.

As Grandpa Ken and Lisa announce that their 12 years of VanderFriendship with Kyle is done, Kyle begins yelling that she was just being honest with Lisa, and trying to tell her how this whole situation looks, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her. Lisa counters that Kyle just came over to call her a VanderLiar, and Kyle’s like, “I MEAN, THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, THO.” Lisa replies that if Kyle swore something on her daughters’ lives, she’d believe her, before stomping off. While Kyle monologues that she’s not sure this is a repairable situation, Grandpa Ken bellows, “GOODBYE KYLE,” and Lisa VanderTearfully screams at her to “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE, I SWEAR TO YOU, I’M DONE WITH IT.”

So yeah, I don’t think anyone’s going to be VanderKissing and making up anytime soon.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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