‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Hope you like thinking about dead dogs, because that’s pretty much the entire episode

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Dames, Dogs and Danke”
March 27, 2018

Warning: This episode is just a hodgepodge of dead dogs and boring interludes.

Por ejemplo, we begin with Kyle and her daughter Portia packing their closets in preparation for their move to the new house. Because the only thing more exciting than packing your own house for a move is watching someone else pack their house for a move.

Then we learn that Lisa Vanderpump has indeed lost another VanderDog: Pikachu. However, either because Pikachu was much older than Pink Dog and his death was not quite as unexpected, or because Lisa and Grandpa Ken are just VanderCried out, they seem rather blasé about this turn of VanderEvents.

R.I.P. Pikachu. I guess.

Lisa and Grandpa Ken are also preparing for the premiere of their documentary about the Yulin Dog Festival because apparently the universe wanted Lisa to think of nothing but dead dogs during this one particular VanderWeek.

Erika invites Rinna and Dorit to her house to not eat cookies. There, Rinna talks about how Erika is supposedly psychic and about her failed boutique AGAIN — I swear, more mental energy has been spent thinking about this doomed boutique since it died an ignominious death seven years ago than when it was actually open — and how a psychic introduced her to a couple of guys who ended up creating the QVC line with her. Which has less to do with something supernatural and more to do with the psychic just knowing the right people.

Dorit arrives late, wearing nothing but a button-down shirt and some thigh-high boots WHICH I AM PRETTY SURE, DORIT, WE HAVE ALREADY DISCUSSED AS BEING NOT AN OUTFIT. HOW IS IT THAT YOU APPEAR TO HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE IN SUCH A HURRY YOU FORGOT TO GET DRESSED, AND YET STILL BE LATE?

Erika then reveals why she brought them here to not eat cookies, by showing them the cardboard cutout of her avatar from the Kardashian game. The women mull the fact that somehow they are still successful despite being over 40, and Rinna notes that in the acting world, 50-year-old men are romantically paired with women in the twenties all the time. And Erika is all, “It me.”

Next, Teddi gives her husband instructions on how to take care of the kids while she is away for four days and he insults her career.

Next, Dorit is late for a fitting of her swimwear line ahead of a fashion show that is in three weeks.

Back at PINK HOUSE, Lisa has her VanderMakeup done in preparation of her documentary premiere, and she and her makeupVanderArtist talk about how there is no chance they are going to make it through the VanderMovie without crying. That’s when Dorit calls to express her sympathy over Pikachu, and Lisa is like, “Thanks, I really can’t talk about it right now because I’m having my makeup done and I don’t need to be VanderCrying…” but Dorit just goes on and on about how sick she is about his death and how terrible it is that Lisa lost two VanderDogs in one week and how she knows how much the VanderPets mean to them until Lisa finally VanderHangs up on her because THAT’S ENOUGH.

Then everyone goes to the premiere and cries their eyeballs out because 32 minutes of dog torture. And look, I give the women on these shows SO MUCH SHIT, but I genuinely admire Lisa and Grandpa Ken’s love of animals and decision to use this dumb reality show not just to promote their restaurants but also as a platform to educate the audience about these atrocities. I don’t know that I am strong enough to sit through the documentary, but if you’re curious, it’s available on Amazon Prime.

At the afterparty, Teddi goes out of her way to apologize to Dorit in person, having picked up on the fact that Dorit was unsatisfied with her literally phoned-in apology, and Dorit seems satisfied and ready to move on. I’m sure this truce will last forever and ever.

Finally, Germany. After the required and interminable packing sequences …

… and the going to the airport and cavorting in first class sequences …

… the women arrive in one of my favorite places on earth: Berlin. Except they are not staying in cool, artsy, everything-covered-in-graffiti Berlin, they’ve somehow managed to find the one corner of the city that is somehow gleaming and clean in a fancy hotel that could be pretty much anywhere. It’s nice! It’s just not cool.

Oh, and Dorit was sick during the entire 15-hour flight. Rinna pulled out her trusty pill bag and gave her an anti-nausea medication which helped calm Dorit’s stomach down a bit.

When she arrives at the hotel, Dorit calls a doctor and explains that she was not feeling well before she left, so she took Tamiflu, which is an anti-viral medication, and she took Zithromax which is an antibiotic, and the German doctor is all, “YA, YOU SHOULD NOT DO ZAT. YOU SHOULD NOT MIX ZE MEDICINES. YA, YOU SHOULD TAKE ONE OR ZE OTTER. ZIS WILL MAKE YOU VERY ILL.” OK, but if the Real Housewives don’t have self-medicating, what is left for them, Herr Doctor?

Teddi facetimes Jawline. Don’t care.

Lisa Vanderpump facetimes Sick Dorit. Don’t care.

Finally, while Erika arranges a dinner for the women in her Presidential Suite (complete with panic room) for the following night, the other women who are not currently testing their livers with toxic pill cocktails decide to test their livers with actual cocktails in the hotel bar.

There, Lisa VanderComplains that Rinna isn’t “engaged” this season — by which she means Rinna has kept her head down and played nice with everyone and Vanderpump is disappointed that Rinna hasn’t given her anything with which to VanderAttack her. “THAT’S THE POINT,” Rinna says.

Erika eventually joins them, and somehow they start talking about whether or not they sleep naked. Vanderpump explains that she did until the 1994 earthquake, which caused her to run out of her room in her altogether scandalizing her “Nanny Kay,” who was living with her at the time. Kyle asks who “Nanny Kay” is and Lisa Vanderpump is VANDERMORTIFIED. KYLE TRIES TO CLAIM THAT SHE IS LISA’S BEST VANDERFRIEND AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW THAT NANNY KAY IS LISA’S BELOVED GRANDVANDERMOTHER? SHE’S TOLD KYLE THIS 10000 VANDERTIMES.

Erika is all, “Right, and also you lost a restaurant in that earthquake, the one in the mall, the Sherman Oaks Mall,” to which Lisa is all, “WELL, I’M GLAD SOMEONE IS PAYING VANDERATTENTION, KYLE.”

Kyle Richards crazy eyes

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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