‘The Bachelor’ drags this bullshit out for two more hours

The Bachelor
“After the Final Rose”
March 6, 2018

I don’t usually spend all that much time on the “After the Final Rose” specials because they are uniformly boring and stupid and unconvincing. But last night’s special was the exception that makes the rule, as we would finally learn whether or not after being dumped in the most excruciating way possible, Ring Bearer would burn down the Bachelor studio and glory in its ashes or if she, like every Bachelor and Bachelorette contestant before her, would be sucked into the Bachelor Nation’s hungry maw, and come out the other side mumbling something about “believing in the process.”

I bet you can guess which she chose.

Chris Harrison opens the special with a lot of very big assumptions: that we the Bachelor audience didn’t get any sleep the previous night because we were so upset by Needle Dick and Ring Bearer’s breakup, and that we are “still processing” what has happened.

No, bitch, we’re not processing shit. We’re still angry that your show and some man-child who has the decision-making skills of The Good Place‘s Chidi, but without any of his intelligence or charm, conspired to film and broadcast the worst day of a woman’s life (that didn’t involve losing a family member) like monsters.

Chris Harrison also promises that we will see another a proposal tonight, before catching himself and saying “Could that happen?” WELL, CHRIS HARRISON, I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE, BUT IF I HAD TO GUESS, I BET IT WILL BECAUSE YOUR STUPID SHOW SEEMS TO THINK THAT, LIKE PIGEONS, THE BACHELOR AUDIENCE CAN BE DISTRACTED BY SHINY OBJECTS, THAT YOU CAN MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER BY STAGING A PROPOSAL EVEN IF WE ALL KNOW IT IS COMPLETE AND UTTER LIE AND THOSE TWO PEOPLE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING MARRIED, AND THAT WE WILL BELIEVE YOUR PERVERSE CONCEPT OF LOVE IS REAL AS LONG AS SOMEONE, ANYONE, IS WEARING AN ENGAGEMENT RING.

We begin where we left off: with Needle Dick dumping Ring Bearer — who, thanks to the SHITASTIC treatment she has received by everyone, I shall now start calling by her actual name, Becca, because she doesn’t deserve some terrible nickname I made up to just keep track of who everyone was on that first night. Needle Dick dumps her, and once he finally gets out of her face, she flies back to Minnesota — in a center seat, no less, because these assholes clearly bought her a Southwest flight at the last fucking second and as a result, she was in boarding group P.

Meanwhile, Needle Dick heads to Virginia where he has a mild panic attack before knocking on Virginia Lauren’s door, worried that he’s ruined everything with her. However, based on the way she leaps into his arms when she opens the door, it seems that those worries were baseless and that this fucker was definitely in touch with her before he dumped Becca. You just know he would not have done any of this, he would not have dumped Becca if he didn’t know for sure that Virginia Lauren would take him back because he’s a spineless coward.

ANYWAY. Once inside, Needle Dick confirms that he dumped Becca in the most humiliating way possible, assures her that he’s “been through hell …”

… and that he wants a second chance with her.

Virginia Lauren tells him that she’s been miserable, too, before demanding to know why he proposed to Becca in the first place. Needle Dick explains that he used logic (basing his decision on the fact that Becca has self-confidence and shit to say) instead of listening to his heart (basing his decision on the fact that Virginia Lauren is hot and wouldn’t challenge him), but he’s ready to go with his heart now!

Virginia Lauren demands that he say he was pretending with Becca, and he’s like, “Sure, I’ll say whatever you need to hear. Including that I am 1000% over Becca, and made the wrong choice.” With that, Virginia Lauren forgives him to the tepid applause of the VERY PISSED OFF studio audience.

In the studio, Chris Harrison talks to the badass coven of women who made it the furthest in the season without being proposed to by Needle Dick: Pixie, Too Good for Needle Dick, Sooey, Jr., Taxiderpy, and Realtor. They agree that:

1. They all dodged a bullet
2. Needle Dick is a manipulative asshole and it’s gross that he waited to confirm that Virginia Lauren would take him back before deciding to leave Becca
3. This is not Virginia Lauren’s fault
4. They are disgusted with how Needle Dick treated Becca, SOMEONE HE WAS ENGAGED TO, with such little respect
5. They hope that Virginia Lauren gets out of this mess and away from him as soon as possible

And Sooey Jr. reports that she was with Virginia Lauren when Needle Dick reached out to her on New Year’s Eve — days before the season was set to begin. Gross. Just … so gross.

Then Becca returns to the couch where she confirms that watching the season play back was about as much fun as you might think it would be, CHRIS HARRISON. And no, she didn’t know that Needle Dick had reached out to Virginia Lauren about getting back together before he dumped her — she was told that he had called Virginia Lauren for “closure,” so yeah, she was taken a little bit by surprise. AND OH MY GOD HOW IS SHE NOT SETTING EVERYTHING AND CHRIS HARRISON ON FIRE RIGHT NOW?

 

However, with some distance, she’s realized that in the long run, it’s best they didn’t stay together because he’s an indecisive little bitch who doesn’t know what he wants or who he is and that probably wouldn’t have made for a healthy relationship.

Chris Harrison then informs her that all of America is Team Becca: that some fans went full Three Billboards on Needle Dick’s ass:

… and that a GoFundMe page started to buy Becca a drink had made $6,000 in 24 hours, money that she hopes will be donated to Stand Up to Cancer because Becca’s a class act.

Needle Dick then is brought out to face Becca and EXPLAIN HIMSELF, and my favorite moment of the night happens:

Becca wonders when he knew he wanted to be with Virginia Lauren, and he replies that it was after his phone call with her — you know, the one he LIED to her about. Needle Dick explains that from the time they came back from Peru, he felt empty, and that he was mourning his relationship with Virginia Lauren. He now regrets proposing to Becca, because he clearly wasn’t ready and which he obviously has to say since Virginia Lauren is rattling around backstage somewhere. He then whines that the pressure of the show made him feel like he had to propose to someone so it’s not his fault when you think about it. Becca forgives him when she should be throat punching him, mostly so that she can end this thing and not have to look at his dumb face anymore.

And then they bring Jason Mesnick and Molly Mesnick out but no one cares what they have to say, go back to obscurity, please.

Needle Dick returns to the couch where he is joined by Virginia Lauren to talk about how they didn’t watch the finale because, guh. Virginia Lauren then explains that Needle Dick reached out to her via Instagram direct message — BECAUSE THAT’S CLASSY — and that she made sure that Becca knew that he was talking to her since they’re such great friends and all.

And now they are SO IN LOVE. In fact, this whole fiasco has made their relationship stronger.

Needle Dick then proposes to Virginia Lauren with a ring I hope the producers made him pay for to more tepid applause and she accepts because she’s a god damned empty-headed moron.

DID YOU NOT JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENED? DO YOU NOT SEE THAT ARIE HAS A NEEDLE FOR A DICK AND A WET RAG FOR A SPINE? GIRL, RUN.

Chris Harrison then announces the next Bachelorette and surprising exactly no one, it’s Becca. This is the only explanation for her being OK with them airing Needle Dick dumping her, as it becomes “part of her journey,” and which we will certainly get to relive, along with the phrase, “let’s do the damn thing,” in May.

We then meet a handful of her future suitors:

• Lincoln, who is dapper and charming and British and who calls Needle Dick a “wanker” and who is pretty sure he is the star of the show:

• Chase who has arrived straight from the Bachelorette contestant factory:

•  Banjo here:

• Darius who apologizes on behalf of the entire male gender:

• And Blake, who has a horse:

So I guess we’re going to do the damn thing. See you llamas in May.

The Bachelor aired on Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and The Bachelorette will begin sometime in May.