July 24, 2017
We begin this episode with a few answers to some questions I had following last week’s episode: Why wasn’t the last rose ceremony at the McMANsion? What the hell are we doing in Dallas? And why are we meeting Rachel’s family before going to the Fantasy Suites?
As it turns out, Rachel’s sister is pregnant to the point of bursting and Rachel’s father, who can’t be bothered to leave his home office to meet these fools, sure as hell isn’t going to fly to Spain to insult the dignity of his office as a federal judge. And that’s why we’re doing everything all backasswards and three men have the special honor of being grilled by Rachel’s family, not just the final two.
First up: Diastema. Before Rachel brings Toothy McGee to meet the family, she drags him to a children’s clothing store and forces him to pick out presents for the new baby and her almost-3-year-old nephew. Because there’s nothing men love more than shopping for babies.
The pair then head to Rachel’s parents’ home, but before they go inside, Diastema stops Rachel, wanting to clarify that when he didn’t tell her that he was falling in love with her at his hometown, what he meant was that he wasn’t falling in love with her. THEN. But NOW he’s (kinda) falling in love with her. He just wanted to make that clear because the Producers told him to do so.
They finally go inside to meet Rachel’s mother, sister, brother-in-law, aunt and uncle and her cousin, although she doesn’t get mentioned by Rachel because she’s chopped liver or something. Over lunch, Diastema tells the family that his parents got engaged after only dating a month, and that they have been married for 36 years, so you see? This whole hare-brained scheme might just work out! If he was inclined to propose to Rachel! Which, at the moment, he is not!
Diastema then goes into an overly long discussion about how he hadn’t told Rachel that he was falling in love with her, but then he decided that he was falling in love with her. Good story. Tell it again.
We then do the musical chairs thing where everyone talks privately with everyone else and it is as exactly as boring as it always is:
Rachel’s sister rolls her eyes when Rachel tells her that she’s told some of the men that she is “falling in love” with them, but not that she is “in love.” We are all Rachel’s sister.
Rachel’s brother-in-law asks Diastema some irrelevant questions about Rachel’s flaws. THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE HERE FOR, RACHEL’S BROTHER-IN-LAW.
Rachel does express some concern to her mother that Diastema has basically warned her that there is a not insignificant chance he won’t propose to her when all is said and done, so when Rachel’s Mom takes Diastema aside, she warns him to not hurt her daughter.
Diastema, however, explains that while he has strong feelings for Rachel, he wants to be sure that when he proposes to someone it will really, for serious, he means it, lead to marriage, not a six-month cycle of fake dating and Us People covers declaring they are on the verge of breaking up before actually breaking up. And that’s why he’s NOT going to ask for Rachel’s Mom’s blessing to marry Rachel, and not for the better reason which is that she is a 31-year-old professional woman who DOES NOT NEED HER PARENTS’ PERMISSION TO GET MARRIED. Gah, GAH.
Anyway, Diastema wins over Rachel’s Mom with that move because she doesn’t want her daughter to get engaged on a reality show anymore than he wants to get engaged on a reality dating show.
Next: Eric the Good Dancer who gets to go to the top of that ugly tower in downtown Dallas and drink champagne and spend zero hours in a baby store. They try to make the fact that Eric hasn’t met a woman’s family in 6 or 7 years a thing, but it is not a thing because Eric is an adult person who can talk to other adult persons like an adult.
Once at Rachel’s family’s house, Eric the Good Dancer breaks out the moves again:
Eric the Good Dancer opens with the fact that he’s from a broken family and a rough background, and if that’s not enough to seed serious doubt in this crowd, Eric then explains that the last relationship he was in lasted for 8 months and ended in 2015.
We do the musical chairs thing and nothing interesting is said by anyone, except Rachel’s Mom who, when asked for her blessing to propose to Rachel, tells Eric that she trusts her daughter’s judgment. This, obviously, is not exactly the same thing as a blessing, but Eric the Good Dancer will take it!
And basically the reaction from everyone in Rachel’s family to Eric the Good Dancer summed up: “He seems nice, buuuuuuuut…”
Meanwhile, back at the hotel:
Finally, Lengua del Amor. Rachel first parades him in front of a pair of her friends at a quick brunch, to be all, “LOOK AT THIS PIECE I PICKED UP! I KNOW, RIGHT?” Oh and we are also reminded that he’s a quack for a living — OOPS, I MEAN, a “chiropractor,” who pushes snake oil on Instagram and YouTube.
ANYWAY, when Dr. Huckster del Lengua meets the family, he explains that his madre is the numera una mujer in his vida. This earns an arched eyebrow from Rachel’s Mom who, correctly, wonders where this will leave any future Mrs. Lengua in his priorities, and “Dr.” Lengua is all, “uh … uh … uh …”
They then sit down to lunch — or to plates piled with heaps of food that is never actually eaten — where “Dr.” Lengua explains that from day one, he felt like Rachel was his novia and that he wants her to know what molded him into el persona who now “loves her so much.”
Everyone at the table not named Rachel:
When “Dr.” Lengua excuses himself from the table after being asked an innocuous question by her uncle (“What qualities does Rachel bring out in you?”), Rachel gets all huffy with her family for being too harsh on “Dr.” Lengua. But Rachel’s Mom is like, “Let me explain it to you: you are in a bubble and we are outside the bubble and the view from this side of the bubble is that he’s a charming huckster who will dump you once you’ve bought into his diet tea pyramid scheme.” And then Rachel’s Brother-in-Law mansplains Rachel’s own feelings to her and JUST SHUT UP, RACHEL’S BROTHER-IN-LAW. INSTEAD OF BEING A CONDESCENDING ASS, WHY DON’T YOU GO LOOK FOR YOUR MISSING FEDORA.
Then we do the musical chairs thing, where “Dr.” Lengua and Rachel try to explain to her family that they are in love and everyone is still like:
Oh, and Rachel’s Mom gives her insincere blessing for Rachel and “Dr.” Lengua to continue seeing each other — but not a blessing to actually get married because come on now.
And then we’re off to Spain for los suites de Clamidia.
Fun story: a friend of mine has recently bonded with her 11-year-old son over The Bachelorette, which they watch together. But she was worried about this week, unsure how to explain to him what happens in the Fantasy Suites. I told her just to tell him that the couples spend some time alone and talk without the cameras and crew, which is true!
But we all know…
Eric the Good Dancer has the first date and the couple takes a helicopter to some monastery with an unpronounceable Basque name out on a cliff somewhere. They ring a church bell. That’s it. They go to a monastery and they ring a church bell.
That night at dinner, Eric the Good Dancer finally tells her that he’s falling in love with her, so she’s permitted to extend to him the invitation to the Fantasy Suite which he enthusiastically accepts. MUCHOS SÍ.
They Fantasy Suite, el fin.
Next is Diastema, who Rachel takes to a winery for a date that I FULLY ENDORSE. BRING ON EL VINO. TODO DEL VINO, POR FAVOR.
There, they meet the owner of the winery, Vitorino, a beret-wearing charmer who explains in Spanish that he and his wife have been together for 57 years. “51 years,” Rachel mistranslates for Diastema, somehow mistaking siete for uno, but lo que sea. Vitorino begins singing some ridiculous song at them before taking them to their own mini-cellar with a stack of bottles with their names on them. I love Vitorino and I want to go live in his wine cave.
The couple go outside where they open one of their bottles, and Diastema toasts to spending more time with her. Rachel then asks how the meeting with her family went and Diastema is like, “Muy bueno, but I have to tell you straight up that I didn’t ask your mother for her blessing to propose to you because I am not going to propose to you.”
Fortunately for Diastema, that is when they are interrupted by an adorable toddler who leads them away to the grape stomping barrels, and forces them to do some unpaid manual labor.
That night, Rachel and Diastema sit down to talk about this “not ready to propose” nonsense, and Rachel is upfront: she did not put her life and job on hold and buy a whole new wardrobe and get jetlag just so that she could “date” someone. This whole thing is about getting engaged; did he not watch the show before being cast on it?
Diastema counters that to him, getting engaged is the same thing as getting married. This argument is a dumb dumb so dumb thing that only someone who has been neither married nor engaged could say with a straight face. If engaged = married, there would be no such thing as ENGAGEMENT. And while I agree in principle with Diastema that he shouldn’t be pressured into proposing just to fit the narrative of the series, and even further believe that the notion of ANYONE getting engaged on this show is not a great idea and that people really should get to know one another outside of a reality series before agreeing to spend their lives together (even while knowing that they certainly won’t be held to that decision), I also DON’T GO ON REALITY DATING SHOWS WHERE THE ENDGAME IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN A PROPOSAL. SO, YOU KNOW.
Anyway. The two then decide that as it stands, there is no way to compromise. There are tears. And we end the episode with Rachel warning that it may not work out with Diastema.
TO BE CONTINUED, YOU GUYS, IN TWO WHOLE WEEKS FROM NOW, BECAUSE WE FIRST HAVE TO ENDURE THE “MEN TELL ALL SPECIAL.” SEND TODO THE VINO.
The men who have been eliminated:
Below are the men still in the running for Rachel’s affections.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and is going to go drink all the rioja, adios.