‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Alternative facts

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Amnesia Appetizers”
January 3, 2017

We begin this episode with Erika and her manager/creative director/Head Gay going through her closet and pulling items for her “Expensive” video, including a $1400 necklace or bracelet, who even knows, but not one of her giant panther head rings? Girl, do you know what “expensive” means?

As they go through her ridiculous closet, Erika complains about this Dorit nitwit, and wonders why PK, if he did see up her skirt — which she is not entirely convinced he did — but if he did, he didn’t say something to Dorit so that she could give Erika the heads-up. And long story short: Dorit seems judgey and unpleasant and the kind of woman that makes it not fun to hang out with other women which is why Erika should hang out with queens only. Word.

As for Dorit, she and PK host a dinner party to which she only invites Lisa Rinna, for some reason. Dorit then spends a ridiculous amount of time praising her hostessing skills and praising her fascinating guests and the whole thing is equal parts nauseating and pitiful. Can you even imagine being that insecure?

During the dinner, Dorit seats Rinna next to her and directly across from PK who begins asking Rinna weird questions about her self-analytical skills. Rinna thinks she’s pretty good at knowing herself, and mentions that she apologized to Vanderpump at Dorit’s party. PK makes some strange noises defending Vanderpump but they are hard to follow, especially when Dorit’s fascinating guest, Elliot Mintz  begins spouting out nuggets of crazy like, “hang on tightly, let go lightly,” and “it’s not a time to talk, one should not be thinking…”

and “when the moment is fleeting, toss it into the wind.”

That last one, Rinna somehow understands and agrees with and she claims she did let things go with Vanderpump. But PK, who seems really invested in keeping up this fight between Rinna and Vanderpump for some reason, argues that it took Rinna a year to “let it go.” PK then wonders if she’s going to tell him what the whole situation was in the first place, and Rinna flatly refuses because GO WATCH SEASON 6 ON ITUNES IF YOU’RE SO INTERESTED –AND AS IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY — YOU ARSE.

Rinna then mentions that her father passed away recently, and how it changed her perspective on things — to which this jerk is all, “Ohhhh, so you were overly emotional when dealing with Vanderpump last season, I understand now.”

Rinna, irritated, moves on from having this shitbird explain — incorrectly — her own feelings to her, and notes that poor Eileen has lost six family members in one year. In fact, Rinna adds, Eileen’s mother died two days before last season’s reunion, but she chose to not tell the other women because she just wanted to speak her truth and get through it.

First PK and Dorit decide that it’s “weird” that Eileen didn’t tell anyone but Rinna about her mother’s death, but that’s just because they haven’t been through a reunion yet. Then these two assholes who were not on the show last season and have no fucking idea what they are talking about, decide that Rinna and Eileen’s grief is what shaped both of their negative dynamics with Lisa Vanderpump last season, and not that Lisa Vanderpump was acting like a manipulative Vanderhole. Mystery solved by people who have no idea what the mystery was in the first place!

Elsewhere, Kyle and Mauricio are finally in the same country at the same time and they have a conversation about a traffic ticket.

Later, Kyle brings lunch to Mauricio’s office for Mauricio and her two oldest daughters.

Oh, and Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump go get their faces lasered together. It is profoundly uninteresting except for the part where Lisa Vanderpump lists the husbands in the group that she would sleep with: Mr. Girardi, end VanderList.

Elsewhere, Erika and Rinna go to a Pilates class held at our newest Housewife, Eden Sassoon’s, daughter of Vidal, Pilates studio. It is profoundly uninteresting except for the part when Rinna tells the story of meeting Harry Hamlin and they show this picture:

EVERYTHING. THIS PICTURE IS EVERYTHING.

After the workout, the ladies go to lunch where Eden reveals that she is one of four children, but that her older sister, Catya, passed away from an overdose in 2002. Fun (?) fact: Catya co-starred in Tuff Turf with Kim Richards and I’m sure this is the last we will hear about all of this.

Over at Eileen’s house, her awful husband chunks a five-pound ball at her for no good reason, while she tries to explain to him that Rinna told her about Dorit’s dinner party and Dorit and PK’s assumptions about Eileen’s mother’s death. So, Eileen announces, she is going to meet with Dorit to set her straight.

To that end, Eileen and Dorit meet in Malibu for a “hike.” There, Eileen invites Dorit to a lunch being hosted by the fabulous Camille Grammer, and mentions that she thought Erika had been blindsided by the panties, before getting down to brass tacks: Rinna mentioned what Dorit had to say about the effect Eileen’s mother’s death had on Eileen’s behavior. And this dumb bitch, Dorit, she plays dumb. “Nope, I don’t remember any such conversation or your name being brought up. I’m pretty sure none of that happened.”

Eileen:

Finally, we go to Camille’s new, considerably smaller Malibu house, where she hosts Eileen, Erika and Dorit for lunch. Over their cucumber and air sandwiches, Camille and Eileen congratulate Erika for having her ninth number one Billboard dance hit, but Dorit is all:

Erika then talks about how she’s particularly proud of her career because it took off so late in her life — she never expected to become a pop star in her 40s. Dorit, this twit, responds that she noticed that women develop a certain confidence in their 40s, and Erika is like, “BITCH, YOU’VE BEEN 40 FOR A WEEK.”

God bless Erika Jayne Girardi.

Camille then brings up Eileen and Dorit’s Malibu “hike,” prompting Dorit to say she hoped Eileen didn’t think she was being dismissive of the “situation.” When Erika asks if there is a “situation,” Eileen explains that it seems Dorit and PK believe that the deaths of Rinna and Eileen’s parents affected their behavior with Vanderpump. Erika agrees with Eileen that Rinna and Eileen’s issues with Vanderpump had nothing to do with their parents dying, which Dorit waves away as Erika’s “interpretation” of what Eileen is trying to say. “Actually,” Erika clarifies, “I’m saying that because I was there.”

Dorit is like, “Well, right, I wasn’t there…” But when Eileen adds, “Right, and that’s why Erika was trying to clarify because she was there,” Dorit interrupts her to demand that Eileen allow her to finish…

To be continued, darlings.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and does not remember saying that.