‘The Real Housewives of Dallas’: Street Fighter

The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?”
May 9, 2016

Having screamed in Brandi and Stephanie’s faces and having thrown her throwing wine, LeeAnne is seemingly out of theatrics, and storms out of That Marie Person’s cocktail party, only to be followed by the camera crew and one very Jesus-Juiced-up Tiffany. As Tiffany tries to stop her friend from going home for some reason, who even knows why (too much cheap Jesus Juice), LeeAnne rants and raves that Tiffany DID NOT HAVE HER BACK. Tiffany argues that it’s actually just the opposite, she finds herself constantly defending LeeAnne and her crazy nonsense behavior.

i've got your back rhod tiffany

Tiffany continues to shriek at LeeAnne that, SHE’S GOT HER BACK, SHE TOOK UP FOR HER IN THERE, and to prove it, she shoves LeeAnne. You know, like you do with your good friend whom you are supporting. LeeAnne, desperate to leave, begins to flail around wildly, swinging her purse at the camera crew, the streetcar, the random guy who decides that this is the best possible place to check his text messages…

Leeanne:Tiffany fight 2 rhod
Nothing to see here.

… before pulling off her Louboutins in the middle of the street and stomping off while some poor Producer screams from somewhere behind the camera that they’ve called her an Uber. LOL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Inside, Stephanie cries and cries about how mean the mean lady was to her, SO MEAN, Y’ALL, while everyone pats her and condescendingly compares her to a wounded baby gazelle. Tiffany returns to the party where she and That Marie Person clutch their pearls about LeeAnne’s behavior, before she turns to Brandi and taking responsibility for bringing LeeAnne over to her in the first place. But Brandi, she is not interested, and she leaves announcing that she has “a family to go home to.”

The next day, LeeAnne discusses the fight with Officer Boyfriend, and how she is just not ready to talk to “her” just yet, she needs time to “process” what happened. Except, LeeAnne doesn’t use any proper names, so we are left for a while wondering about who, exactly, she is talking? Brandi? Stephanie? That Marie Person?

I literally went through all the possibilities before it occurred to me that she was talking about Tiffany, and that only happened because they then cut to Tiffany who is having the exact same conversation with Keith Urban Jr. “I haven’t talked to her yet. I don’t know what to do. I think I have to let the dust settle…”  &c.

But in the meantime, there is a Very Important Clothing Drive they are both attending, how shall they ever survive it? Turns out the answer to that question is: by sorting clothes into piles and carefully ignoring the other. It is exactly as interesting as watching two women put clothes in piles and not talk to each other sounds like it would be, which is to say VERY INTERESTING. Great TV, guys. You’re doing TV right.

ncis la thumbs up

On her way home, Tiffany calls LeeAnne and leaves a message inviting her to grab coffee and talk about it when she’s ready. And so, sometime later, they meet at a coffee shop and LeeAnne greets Tiffany with a big kiss on the cheek and apparently everything is just forgiven just like that. I mean, there are apologies and mea culpas and LeeAnne fake cries about how she didn’t want to cry in front of Brandi and Tiffany compares herself to Mr. Miyagi, but ultimately it is pretty anti-climatic.

Elsewhere, Cary and Dr. Husband discuss the Swiss chalet they don’t actually own, and Cary puts a dog on her head for reasons that aren’t immediately clear. Later, Cary gives Dr. Husband Botox injections and Dr. Husband gives Cary a new Roberto Cavalli dress, which, I don’t know, great? Good for her? But also, who cares?

In other examples of exorbitant excess and gross consumerism, Stephanie’s husband, Whatshisface, tells her they are going to spend their anniversary by driving the Rolls into town to spend the night in a fancy hotel and do a little jewelery shopping. He takes her to a Very Fancy jeweler, who pulls out a selection of diamond bracelets from which Stephanie is to choose, and it might surprise you, but she goes with the most expensive option. Hey, what’s $75,000 when we’re talking about an important life event like your seventh wedding anniversary, right?

As for Brandi, she finally has her big reunion with her grandfather which is Super Important to her, but not so much to her terrible husband Bryan who can’t be bothered to be there because he’s businessing. The first meeting goes well — Brandi just spends most of the time marvelling at how much her grandfather looks like her brothers and cousins and how he’s so big and how crazy it is that he wasn’t in her life for the past 30 years. At one point, she and her grandfather go outside to talk privately. There, they talk a little about how she used to hunt with her father and brothers, but notes that her husband isn’t a country boy, so she doesn’t go out much anymore. Grandpa asks what her husband does — YES, WHAT DOES HE DO, BRANDI? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW. And we finally learn the answer: “Real Estate.”

This clears nothing up.

Brandi half-apologetically explains that Bryan can’t be there tonight because he travels a lot for business, and her grandfather assures her that he’ll “come around” and “grow up one of these days.”

group baroo.gif

Wait, what? As someone whose husband travels a great deal for business, we’re talking several times a month on average a great deal, I don’t understand these comments? Having to travel for work isn’t a sign of immaturity or a lack of character? It’s just …. your job? Where is this judgment coming from, Grandpa?

The next day, Brandi and her kids go over to Stephanie’s where Stephanie tells her about the Rolls and the hotel and the bracelet that cost as much as a luxury vehicle and Brandi tells Stephanie that for her 30th birthday, Bryan gave her 30 of her “favorite things,” three of which were: french fries, ketchup and Italian dressing.

tony sooprano not impressed unimpressed

Brandi then tells Stephanie all about meeting her grandfather, and how she can’t wait for Bryan to meet him, they’ll have so much in common because football. She then invites Stephanie over for a barbecue they are having for her grandfather because Grandpa Weekend is not yet over.

Celebration #2 of Grandpa Weekend: said barbecue. This time, Brandi opted to invite her brother to meet their grandfather, which begs the question why he wasn’t included in the first meeting BUT WHATEVER. As for her husband, Bryan, he’s still travelling and not in town — yet — but Brandi assures everyone that he’ll be there as soon as he lands.

Stephanie and her children arrive, explaining that her husband, Whatshisface, is golfing and will join them as soon as he’s done and has cleaned up. However, INTRIGUE! Later, Stephanie receives a phonecall from Whatshisface, explaining that he’ll be there soon, he’s just finishing up a drink with Bryan.

wait-what

And sure enough, these two jerks walk in together, Bryan not only late but a little drunk and with nary a word to his wife as to why she was led to believe he was on a business trip but while he was actually hanging out at the golf club with ol’ Whatshisface. Surprisingly, Brandi is none too happy with her husband, or having this all be recorded for the world to see, or her life.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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