It is now Thursday, and here is a catchy rap dedicated to all the Karens who are going to get us all killed because they are selfish assholes:
Scientists say that if we had a national mask order, we could get control of this fucking virus in one to two months. But we won’t because some uneducated dipshits believe nonsense like “wearing a mask poisons the wearer,” and “you’ll go to Hell if you wear a mask.”
And I know it sounds like I’m exaggerating for comic effect with that second reason, but watch this video of two dudes who try to hand out masks in California, and weep for this country:
And then there is the problem that unlike other cultures who understand the value of collective action, we Americans are fiercely independent and believe in “MAH FREEDUMS.” Of course, the virus doesn’t give a shit about your liberty and some made-up Constitutional right to not wear a mask — the virus just wants to reproduce. Masks slow the virus’s ability to reproduce, it is just that simple.
And yet, here we are.
We’re never going to get out from under this thing. Everything is going to be shut down until there is a widespread vaccine (and even then, these same Covidiots will refuse the vaccine, so vulnerable populations who can’t get vaccinated will continue to be exposed and possibly die). Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go start drinking for the day.
And Florida, which had its highest death toll to date this morning before 10 a.m., continues to refuse to implement a mask order. Hey, you know what’s in Florida? DisneyWorld, which is open. An analyst has downgraded Disney stock and warns that the parks are going to probably end up closing up again. OHREALLYWHYDOYOUTHINKTHAT? Abigail Disney wonders what the fuck Disney is doing, too.
ViacomCBS says most employees will be working from home until at least 2021.
And there’s a good chance movie theaters won’t return fully until mid-2021. So, yeah, let’s just go ahead and shelve Tenet.
MLB baseball is going to be using fake crowd noise when it returns.
Here is an example of the fake crowd noise the Mets are experimenting with at Citi Field.
A low murmur, then a cheer when Fargas connects, then a louder cheer when Nimmo makes a nice catch. pic.twitter.com/otLZbFTXBk
— Tim Healey (@timbhealey) July 15, 2020
R.I.P. Chuck Woolery’s Twitter account which disappeared shortly after he revealed that his son tested positive.
The Rose Parade has been canceled for the first time in 75 years. The football game is still set to happen though. OK.
#MeToo
Empire‘s Bryshere Gray was arrested for domestic abuse.
Entourage‘s Kevin Connolly has been accused of sexual assault by costume designer Gracie Cox. He denies the allegations.
Peter Lenkov, the showrunner of MacGyver and Magnum P.I. has been fired by CBS after an investigation into allegations that he was a sexist, racist piece of shit.
In a case that is considerably more nuances, writer and celebrity within the comic world, Warren Ellis has been accused by more than 60 individuals of using his power to manipulate them into sexual relationships and gaslighting them. No one is accusing him of rape or assault. Instead, this is an example of how people in power will sometimes emotionally manipulate, groom, and abuse people with less power.
A $25 million settlement stemming from the Weinstein case has been rejected by a federal judge who thought it smelled of bullshit, siding with many of Weinstein’s victims who agreed.
Johnny Depp is in the middle of a lawsuit against the British tabloid, The Sun, for calling him a “wife-beater.” It’s been messy. Really messy. Like, literally messy.
HOW DID I FORGET TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME FOX NEWS CROPPED PRESIDENT SEX ABUSER OUT OF A PHOTO WITH MELANIA, JEFFREY EPSTEIN, AND GHISLAINE MAXWELL? Anyway, they’re really sorry and it was all a big misunderstanding. OK LOLOLOL.
All Other TV News
Nick Cannon made another attempt at an apology last night, and this time managed to do a decent enough job to keep his Masked Singer gig. However, he’s stepping away from his radio show for a while.
They reinforced the worst stereotypes of a proud and magnificent people and I feel ashamed of the uninformed and naïve place that these words came from. The video of this interview has since been removed.
— Nick Cannon (@NickCannon) July 16, 2020
I want to express my gratitude to the Rabbis, community leaders and institutions who reached out to me to help enlighten me, instead of chastising me.
— Nick Cannon (@NickCannon) July 16, 2020
I want to assure my Jewish friends, new and old, that this is only the beginning of my education—I am committed to deeper connections, more profound learning and strengthening the bond between our two cultures today and every day going forward.
— Nick Cannon (@NickCannon) July 16, 2020
A federal judge has struck down Georgia’s heartbeat abortion bill as unconstitutional. So now Hollywood is going to have to come up with some other reason to leave the state, like, oh, I don’t know, not being able to start production because their idiot governor won’t mandate masks.
Will Colin Jost return to Saturday Night Live? Who can say, certainly not Jost.
According to Netflix, these are the top ten most popular movies on their site. (And I am going to be honest, I haven’t heard of one or two of these.)
Do you have $3 million laying around? If so, you can buy the Golden Girls house.
And if you have $500, you can advertise on Hulu.
That time Joss Whedon yelled at James Marsters because Spike became so popular. Uh, Joss, dude, what?
Showtime and BET are joining forces for SHOxBET. Showcase and SHO Beyond are being phased out.
Peacock hid a cake recipe in their Terms of Use.
PLEASE DO NOT TO SHOOT AT MEGAN THEE STALLION. SHE IS A PRECIOUS COMMODITY AND I WILL NOT HAVE IT.
Keep feeling better, Alex Trebek!
Renewals
- Good Witch and Chesapeake Shores have been renewed at Hallmark.
In Development
- ABC has ordered another medical drama from The Good Doctor team.
- Palmer, a movie starring Justin Timberlake and directed by Fisher Stevens, has been ordered at Apple.
- The Treasure of the Black Swan, a drama series from Alejandro Amenábar, has been ordered at AMC.
- True Spirit, a biopic about Jessica Watson, the youngest person to sail solo, non-stop and unassisted around the world, has been set at Netflix.
- Des, a drama about a serial killer starring David Tennant, has been bought at Sundance Now.
- When Heroes Fly, a remake of an Israeli drama, has been ordered at Apple.
- Echo 3 has been ordered straight to series at Apple.
- A Suitable Boy is coming to Netflix.
- The Undesirables, a comedy, is being developed at Amazon.
- The Exiles is being adapted into a TV series.
- The Quinn Colson novels by Ace Atkins are being developed into a TV series at HBO.
- Samurai Rabbit: The Usagi Chronicles is coming to Netflix as an animated series.
- De Lo Mio has been bought at HBO.
- Weird but True! is moving from Nat Geo to Disney+.
- Simon Cowell just bought out Sony Music’s shares of the Got Talent and The X Factor franchises, and owns them entirely.
- Netflix has added 6 new Indian films and 2 new series.
- David Kajganich has signed an overall deal with Fox21.
Casting News
- Tyra Banks is your new Dancing With the Stars host.
- Greg Kinnear and Courteney Cox will star in Shining Vale on Starz.
- Kenan Thompson, Ally Maki, and Chris Parnell have been added to the cast of Home Alone on Disney+.
- Samara Weaving is joining the cast of Nine Perfect Strangers on Hulu.
- Finn Wolfhard, Nick Wolfhard and Anya Chalotra will provide voices for new animated sci-fi series New-Gen.
- Kelly Marie Tran is joining Monsterland on Hulu.
Mark Your Calendars
- Project Power will debut on Netflix on August 14.
- Muppets Now will debut on Disney+ on July 31.
- The Dog House UK will premiere on HBO Max on July 23 and this one looks like a (happy) tearjerker — just be prepared if animals make you cry.
- The Rain returns on Netflix on August 6.
- Last Chance U will return on Netflix on July 28.
- Surviving Joe Exotic will premiere on Animal Planet on July 25.
- Yusuf Hawkins: Storm Over Brooklyn will air on HBO on August 12.
- Love It or List It will return on August 10 on HGTV.
- American Greed: Biggest Cons will air on CNBC on July 20.
- Bellator will return on Paramount on July 24.
- Here are literally 40 Hallmark movies that are set to air during the holiday season. No dates, but I mean, are you really looking for specifics here?
R.I.P.
Joanna Cole, The author of The Magic School Bus books
WATCH THIS
30 Rock: A One-Time Special: I WANT TO GO TO THERE. (Except I can’t until tomorrow.) 7 p.m., 30 Rock EXCEPT IN PLACES WHERE IT WON’T AIR.
House of Ho: This new reality show follows a wealthy Vietnamese family who have made their fortune here in Houston. Alright then. Series premiere. HBO Max
Fatal Affair: Nia Long and Omar Epps star in this Fatal Attraction rip-off. Netflix
Killer Camp: This is a real competition show: “eleven strangers arrive at Camp Pleasant eager to enjoy some peace and quiet when they are stunned by the news from Camp Counselor Bobby (Bobby Mair) that they have actually arrived at KILLER CAMP. Each night, one camper will be killed by a bloody, bandaged handyman who is given the orders by – one of their fellow campers! On day one, the crew settles into life at Camp Pleasant, tackling slippery slopes, facing electrocution, and battling for immunity, all the while wondering who will become the killer’s first victim.” So, American Horror Story: 1984, the competition. Series premiere. 7 p.m., The CW
Indian Matchmaking: An Indian matchmaker helps with arranged marriages in this new reality series. Series premiere. Netflix
Labor of Love: Season finale. 8 p.m., Fox
The Bold Type: Season finale. 9 p.m., Freeform
Late Night:
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Jim Carrey, Jenny Slate, Luke Combs
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Martin Short, Kiki Layne
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: The Chicks
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Alex Rodriguez, guest host Sebastian Maniscalco
- The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
- Conan: Emily Mortimer
- Watch What Happens Live: Dorinda Medley, Michael Rapaport
| THUR | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
| ABC | Holey Moley (new) |
Don’t (new) |
To Tell the Truth (new) |
| CBS | Young Sheldon (repeat) |
The Unicorn (repeat) |
Mom (repeat) |
Mom (repeat) |
NICS: Los Angeles (repeat) |
| CW | Killer Camp (new) |
Masters of Illusion (repeat) |
Masters of Illusion (repeat) |
News/Local |
| FOX | Celebrity Watch Party (new) |
Labor of Love (new) |
News/Local |
| NBC | Something Good (new) |
Superstore (repeat) |
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (repeat) |
Law & Order: SVU (repeat) |