foolish watcher

The Golden Globes showed its full ass last night.

Therese Odell
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It’s Monday and it’s March because it’s always March and it will always be March.

This dog who eats tomatoes right off the vine is my familiar.

Golden Globes Nonsense

Listen. If Jason Sudeikis couldn’t be fucked to take this seriously and put on a shirt and if Jodie Foster couldn’t be fucked to take this seriously and wear something other than her pajamas, why the hell should I be expected to take this worthless awards ceremony seriously? I’ll answer that for you: I DON’T AND I WON’T.

I have long made it clear that I think the Golden Globes are not just bullshit, but the worst awards ceremony. It’s all a grift, and the awards are given more weight than they deserve because the ceremony takes place so early in the year. The only reason to actually watch the ceremony is that it is the most fun of your major awards shows: the stars who all know this is nonsense get drunk and let their hair down and say wacky things on stage and it all feels like one big Hollywood party that we’re invited to. But the Golden Globes didn’t even have that going for it this year, as all the nominees were Zooming in from home in their sweats and remaining irritatingly sober.

Not even my imaginary best friends Tina Fey and Amy Poehler on hosting duty could distract us from the shoddiness of it all: winners whose victory speeches were muted; Tiffany Haddish should sue the HFPA for the way they lit her; the boringness of it all. If anything, instead of taking our minds off the trauma we’ve all been enduring, it just reminded us of all the irritations and indignities of the past year, all the Zoom glitches and the bad FaceTime lighting, and the fact that we can’t just hang out with our friends in person and get completely trashed when we have all well earned the right to do so by now.

 

I mean.

Here are the winners in the television category because YOU CAN NOT MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THE MOVIE CATEGORY. I AM NOT PAID NEARLY ENOUGH BY YOU PEOPLE TO DO THAT.

List of TV winners:

Drama: The Crown

Comedy: Schitt’s Creek

Television Movie: The Queen’s Gambit

Best Performance in a Drama:

Actress: Emma Corrin for The Crown

Actor: Josh O’Connor for The Crown

Best Performance in a Comedy:

Actress: Catherine O’Hara for Schitt’s Creek

Actor: Jason Sudeikis for Ted Lasso

Best Performance in a Movie or Miniseries:

Actress: Ana Taylor-Joy for The Queen’s Gambit

Actor: Mark Ruffalo for I Know This Much is True

Best Supporting Performance:

Actress: John Boyega for Small Axe

Actor: Gillian Anderson for The Queen’s Gambit

And you know what? Aside from being something of a harbinger of The Crown‘s good chances in September at the Emmys, this all ultimately means nothing.

So let’s talk about the only things that really matter about the Golden Globes: the memes.

Ugh, look at these showoffs:

How it started:

How it’s going:

DO NOT WAKE AL PACINO UP FOR THIS NONSENSE:

To be fair, I’m Team Sudeikis and Daniels on this one. Keep your damn Spanx away from me and bring me a flannel:

Honestly, this is exactly the treatment the Golden Globes deserves and I hope everyone appreciates the Emmys A LITTLE BIT MORE NOW.

All other TV news

Oh hey, there’s more Bachelor news because this nightmare is never going to end:

We’ve got ourselves a replacement for Chris Harrison for the “After the Final Rose” special: former NFL linebacker, Fox Sports analyst, author, and University of Texas grad Emmanuel Acho will do the honors.

Rachel Lindsay was forced to deactivate her Instagram account after Bachelor fans were so horrifically toxic and abusive towards her.

Rachael Kirkconnell, the woman at the center of this entire kerfuffle, is defending Lindsay against the people who are trying to defend Kirkconnell.

Chris Harrison appeared on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune last week, and ABC felt compelled to add a disclaimer reading “This episode was previously recorded in December 2020.”

There’s a regular Supernatural reunion happening on Amazon’s The Boys: Meredith Glynn, David Reed, and Jim Michaels, who were all writers and producers on Supernatural, are moving over to The Boys which is being showrun by Supernatural creator, Eric Kripke. Also, of course, Jensen Ackles will be starring in the series next season.

Background noise! Yes, this makes perfect sense to me, a person who plays ghost shows in the background while she writes these posts.

And as we move into this new, streaming universe, here are some actually very useful ideas on how to lower your cable bill.

Hey, remember these weird Quiznos commercials from the early 2000s? One franchisee posted a sign in his window assuring customers that he had nothing to do with them.

Olympian Lolo Jones was apparently on MTV’s The Challenge? And she left the show? But now she’s claiming she was forced to leave the show? I don’t really know what is going on here, but it’s a good reminder that reality TV isn’t real.

Nat Geo is planning a pretty big world premiere for Genius: Aretha, pandemic or no pandemic. 

TV cliches! Ya gotta love them!

Lady Gaga’s dog walker is making a remarkable recovery and her dogs have been returned. I’m glad this has all turned out OK, but my God, people, don’t kidnap dogs.

Thank you, Travis Scott.

Going Viral

The decline in COVID-19 cases has indeed begun to stall out, and it doesn’t seem like we can blame the winter storm anymore. While hospitalizations are declining, new infections remain high and scientists are concerned this is the predicted effect of the variants taking hold. In fact, here in Houston, we have seen every single known variant! Yay us! Keep wearing your mask, even if you’ve been one of the lucky ones who has received a vaccine — you can still spread the virus.

But good news: the newly approved Johnson & Johnson vaccine should be available within 48 hours, increasing the number of people who will be protected.

And there is more talk about postponing the second dose of the two-dose vaccines to be able to give out more of the first doses to more people as a means to slow the spread of these new variants.

This is shocking — and by “shocking,” I mean entirely predictable: CPAC attendees heckled the conference officials when they told them to put their damn masks on.

Buzzfeed spoke to teachers around the country about what they are going through right now, being pressured to return to the classrooms — or, as in here in Texas, being forced to — while not being given vaccine priority in about half the states (including Texas). My sister is an elementary teacher here in Houston, and she has an underlying health issue. She has been in the classroom with in-person students all year, and it’s been deeply worrying for my entire family. Fortunately, thanks to our winter storm disaster, she had a couple of days off last week and was able to drive to San Antonio to chase down an available vaccine and I’ve been — pun very much intended — able to breathe a little bit easier. As a parent of a high schooler who we sent back to campus last month, I totally get the need for kids to return to school — but let’s make sure our teachers are protected when we do.

Our condolences to Abigail Breslin and her family.

The Telluride Film Festival will take place in person this September. OK, good luck with that.

Spike Lee is working on NYC Epicenters 9/11-2021½ for HBO, a documentary about living in New York City for the past twenty years — from 9/11 to COVID-19.

We’re living in weird times, man.

Renewals

Cancellations

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

R.I.P.

Irv Cross, The first Black national TV sports analyst

Fred Segal, Fashion icon

Ng Man-tat, Hong Kong actor

WATCH THIS

Debris: A wrecked alien spacecraft has mysterious effects on humanity in this new well-reviewed sci-fi series. Series premiere. 9 p.m., NBC

The Voice: Time for the blind auditions. Season premiere. 7 p.m., NBC

Ruth – Justice Ginsburg in Her Own Words: The Notorious RBG is explored through her speeches and interviews and through personal recollections by those who knew her best. Premiere. 8 p.m., Starz

Biggie: I Got a Story to Tell: The Notorious B.I.G. is explored through rare footage and interviews with those who knew him best. Premiere. Netflix

The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” is here, and these women are MEAN, so buckle up. 7 p.m., ABC

Late Night:

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Bachelor
(new)		 The Good Doctor
(repeat)
CBS The Neighborhood
(repeat)		 Bob ♥ Abishola
(repeat)		 All Rise
(repeat)		 Bull
(repeat)
CW All American
(new)		 Black Lightning
(new)		 Local
FOX 9-1-1
(new)		 9-1-1: Lone Star
(new)		 News/Local
NBC The Voice
(new)		 Debris
(new)

 

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