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‘The Golden Bachelorette’: Joan’s No Longer Invisible

Therese Odell
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The Golden Bachelorette
September 18, 2024

Our new journey begins a lot like Golden Bachelor Gerry’s did: our new Golden Bachelorette, Joan, gets dressed in the golden light of Southern California, while a wistful love song plays. Joan voiceovers how happy and nervous and excited she is, wondering if it’s possible to have two great loves in one life — she hopes so.

Joan then gives us the outlines of Her Life Before: she and her husband John, R.I.P., met when they were young. They fell in love, married, had babies, and spent the best 33 years together ever. But then John was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and she was unable to accept it, spending his last months pretending it wasn’t happening. Then one night, he was there … until he wasn’t. John was a great father and husband, and when she sees a hawk, she’s pretty sure it’s him sending a message.

~insert cry break here~

After John died, she felt invisible, and though she will always be a mother and a grandmother first, she feels like something is missing and that it is time to do something for herself. Joan again insists that no one will ever replace John, but that she has a big heart and that there should be room in it for someone else. She’s Joan, she’s 61 years old, and she’s the Golden Bachelorette.

Joan arrives at the Bachelor mansion, restored to its rightful place in the franchise, and greets Jesse Palmer, telling him that she feels like “Cinderella.”

With that, the first limo arrives:

Pascal, 69, Salon Owner, Chicago: Frenchie here breaks out the accent, revealing that he lives in Chicago, but is originally from Paris. As he wanders into the McMANsion, he adds that he appreciates a woman who is elegant and attractive and knows how to present herself. Frenchie would have zero time for your trusty blogger.

Kim, 69, Retired Navy Captain, Seattle: Captain shows up in his dress whites, and tells her that he wore his uniform so that she would know what kind of character he had. Joan seems impressed by this.

In a video package, Captain explains that he was the captain of a destroyer in the Navy, but that being a full-time dad was the most important thing for him. He divorced in 1998, and was single for many years before meeting and marrying Mary. Eight and a half years later, Mary passed away. “It’s a terribly sad thing to lose your spouse, but the joy we experienced in our brief time together is enough to sustain me for my entire life.”

THAT’S RIGHT, BITCHES, WE ARE BACK ON THE EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. BUCKLE THE FUCKLE UP.

Chock, 60, Insurance Executive, Wichita, Kansas: Chock emerges from the limo with a jar, explaining that he hears she’s famous for her chicken noodle soup, so he wants her to try his. This man then makes her drink soup from a jar while he watches. This feels like a kink I had up until now been unaware of.

Jonathan, 61, Shipping Consultant, Oakland, Iowa: Speaking of kinks, this very handsome, very tall gentleman arrives wearing a mask. He explains that what Joan had to say about feeling invisible resonated with him, so he decided to wear a mask so that their eyes would meet for the first time? I don’t know. It kinda made sense at the time, but writing it out, it looks crazy. 

In a video package, Eyes Wide Shut reveals that he was blindsided when his wife asked for a divorce. He’s a single father now with shared custody, and wouldn’t be living out in Iowa if it weren’t for the kids. The kids, I should add, are young teens — the kind of kids he won’t be able to leave for a few years yet, so don’t get too attached, Joan.

Jordan, 61, Senior Sales Executive, Chicago: Jordan explains that he is the father of three daughters himself and he was impressed by Joan’s selflessness, giving up her chance on The Golden Bachelor to be with her daughter.

Michael, 65, Retired Banking CEO, Denver, NC: Michael forgets his name.

Thomas, 62, FDNY Chief, New York: Fire Chief is nervous.

Gary, 65, Retired Finance Executive, Palm Desert, CA: Gary comes out of the limo dancing, and Joan immediately recognizes him as “the life of the party.” I immediately recognize him as the man for our girl, Natascha. GET THESE TWO TOGETHER, IN GOLDEN PARADISE.

@goldenbachabc

We agree, Natascha, 𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓯𝓮𝓬𝓽 ✨ #TheGoldenBachelor #mood

♬ original sound – The Golden Bachelorette

Gregg, 64, Retired University VP, Longboat Key, FL: Ok, so Gregg shows up with a sand dollar for Joan, explaining that he “works” for sand dollars, which is another way of saying he’s retired.

But here’s the weird thing: there’s no sign of Gregg on ABC’s cast site. WHERE’S GREGG? WHY ARE YOU HIDING GREGG? GIL IS OUT HERE WITH A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HIM, AND YOU’RE NOT HIDING HIM, BUT NO SIGN OF BEARDY GREGG ANYWHERE. WHAT’S THE STORY, ABC?

Pablo, 63, Retired UN Agency Director, Cambridge, MD: Pablo is grateful to be here, but don’t get too attached: he lives in Joan’s state, so she’s obviously going to eliminate him first.

Bob, 66, Chiropractor, Marina Del Rey, CA: Dr. Bob shows up with a giant hand-held camcorder and narrates that he’s filming this experience for his kids. It was at least original when Taylor did it on Charity’s season.

Jack, 68, Caterer, Chicago: Frank Sinatra here exits the limo singing “My Way” to an embarrassed Joan.

Charles L., 66, Retired Financial Analyst, Philadelphia: Charles opens by joking that he’s 66 though he knows he looks like he’s 36. He goes on to say that this is Joan’s journey, and Charles is not in charge.

In a video package, Charles explains that he has two grown daughters, but in the last 6 years, he’s found himself very lonely after his wife of 36 years suddenly passed away. She was his first and only love, but his daughters want a happy dad, and it’s time to move on.

Guy, 66, Emergency Room Doctor, Reno, NV: Dr. Guy presents Joan with some cologne and urges her to associate its smell with the name “Guy” so that she won’t forget him.

Charles K., 62, Portfolio Manager, Rancho Palos Verdes, California: Charles K. comes out of the limo on a cane, walking feebly towards her when he suddenly drops the cane, does a somersault and begins doing one-handed pushups. Also known as Pulling a Willy Wonka, or alternatively, Pulling a Leslie.

Ken, 60, Property Manager, Boston: Tells Joan she looks “Wicked Awesome.”

Dan, 64, Private Investor, Naples, Fl: Lowers his readers to check Joan out and says, “Dang, girl, look at you.”

 

Christopher, 64, Contractor, West Babylon, NY: Offers Joan a prune juice shot.

RJ, 66, Financial Advisor, Irvine, CA: Jokes that he heard that Joan is “looking for a guy in finance, 6’5″, blue eyes.” It does not appear that RJ has blue eyes, but he does seem to meet the rest of the criteria.

And if you don’t know the reference:

@girl_on_couch

Can someone make this into an actual song plz just for funzies

♬ original sound – Girl On Couch

Gil, 60, Educator, Mission Viejo, CA: Gil tosses her a ball and jokes that he heard she’s a “great catch.” And I heard he has a restraining order against him.

Bill, 68, Retired Videographer, Portland, OR: Bill kindly asks Joan how her daughter is doing before noting that he has two daughters of his own that he would do anything for.

David, 68, Rancher, Austin, TX: Cowboy shows up on horseback, explaining that there’s “nothing like showing up on horseback to meet a princess.” The horse promptly runs away.

Keith, 62, Girl Dad, San Jose, CA: Clark Griswold pulls up in a beaten-up station wagon, loaded down with suitcases. He suggests to Joan that they hop in the station wagon, go to the beach and eat cheese and crackers and drink some wine alone.

In a video package, Keith explains that he stands out by being himself: he loves people, he loves dancing, but he’s been solo since separating from his wife 12 years ago. He’s tried to give his daughters stability, but now it’s time for him to find love and move on.

Mark, 57, Army Veteran, Leesville, LA: Kelsey Anderson, the winner of the most recent season of The Bachelor, emerges from the final limo, and explains that she wouldn’t have known what true love was but for her parents. Her father has been alone for a couple of years now, and she’d like Joan to meet him.

In a video package, Mark explains that he’s the dad to five kids, including Kelsey from The Bachelor. After he appeared in the Dreaded Hometowns, she and the producers urged him to join the Golden franchise, and he figured, why not? His beloved wife passed away in 2018, but urged him to move on before she died. Mark goes on to say that he had a “perfect partner,” and that she filled his heart completely, but that there is still room for someone else.

Upon meeting Joan, Kelsey’s Dad tells Joan that he raised his children to experience life and not say no, or be afraid to take a chance, which is why he is here: to take a chance to find love again.

So those are our men, and Joan finally heads inside to make the obligatory toast and get the conversations started. After thanking them all for being there, and saying that she hopes she can find love again, Frenchie is the first to grab her hand and drag her away.

Before we hear their conversation, though, a video package: Frenchie is originally from Paris but is now a salon owner in Chicago. He feels comfortable with women, has a schmancy lifestyle, travels a lot, and drives an expensive car. Feels like a whole lot of style, not exactly sure how much substance.

After telling Joan that he moved to Chicago at 22 and now owns a “beauty salon/medical spa,” he asks her a little about herself, and what she’s looking for — which: points for showing an interest in her and not just yammering about toi-même! Joan reveals she wants a kind man and some adventure. Frenchie is thrilled to hear this, explaining that he likes to zip off to Paris for four days at a time, and has the means to do so. He then whips out a letter his son wrote him, praising him as the greatest père ever, which: wow, way to bring it back to yourself, mon ami.

Joan then speaks with this Dan guy who reveals that his oldest daughter, who happens to be adopted, talked him into signing up for the show, and then he gets all verklempt about being a Girl Dad.

Mystery Gregg puts a Hawaiian shirt on himself and Joan and offers her a tropical drink of some sort.

Restraining Order Gil and Joan hit baseballs off of a tee.

Joan and Willy Wonka race in scooters.

Party Gary has some schtick involving rotary dial phones

That Jordan guy apologizes for his bad entrance, but Joan and the audience are like ???? He then goes on to give her a tiny Chicago sweatshirt for her grandbaby, which is actually very sweet and thoughtful. Jordan then challenges her to pickleball, which turns into a group pickleball game which doesn’t make any sense and just devolves into elder chaos.

Fortunately, no Goldens were harmed.

While Joan is getting to know the men, Chicago Jack and Charles in Charge go on self-guided tours of the McMansion, marveling at the pool and the votive candles and the refrigerator space and I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH ALREADY.

Meanwhile, Joan is off chatting with Captain, who talks about how her decision to leave The Golden Bachelor for her family really resonated with him.

Joan also talks to Dr. Bob about how he was struck by lightning while teaching his kid how to surf. They did CPR on him for TWELVE MINUTES before they got a pulse, which WHAT? This opens Dr. Bob up to make a Dad joke about hoping lighting strikes twice but can we just go back to the twelve minutes part because as much as I would want to save a life, I don’t know that I have 30 seconds of performing CPR in me much less TWELVE MINUTES.

Dr. Guy says some things about being ready to meet someone who wants to live their “best life.”

Kelsey’s Dad describes talking to Joan to putting on a warm pair of sweatpants from the dryer. Which is exactly what every woman wants to be compared to: sweatpants.

Eyes Wide Shut surprises Joan with a poem: “It’s short, it’s sweet; and if you really like it, I can repeat; as my heart is full of bliss; standing here in front of you; so now what do I do?; take your hand; be your man; and hope you understand; that I am grateful and blessed; to see you in that dress.”

Joan admits that she feels something between them and NO MA’AM. HIS CHILDREN ARE POSSIBLY STILL IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. THIS WILL NEVER WORK, I DON’T CARE HOW TALL HE IS.

And that’s when Jesse Palmer arrives with the First Impression Rose, which creates a lot more drama amongst the cast when they actually know what the First Impression Rose is.

Chicago Jack decides now’s the time to become Chef Jack, and he heads to the kitchen where, with Charles in Charge looking over his shoulder, he prepares tenderloins with bordelaise sauce, rice with shallots and mushrooms, and asparagus.

JOAN, I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW: MARRY THIS MAN. THIS IS THE ONE. If you find a man who can cook, YOU MARRY HIM. TRUST ME, I KNOW OF WHAT I SPEAK.

Following a full steak meal, Charles in Charge performs a tea ceremony for Joan.

Prune Juice redeems himself by offering Joan a chocolate heart filled with even more chocolate.

The guy who couldn’t remember his own name shows her a photo album of his plants.

And Clark Griswold opens with a game of cornhole …

… and then the two of them bond over spending time at the beach. Clark Griswold admits to being incredibly nervous and wondering why he did this to himself, before conceding that he’s glad he did: life’s too short to not experience new things. He again suggests that they run away to the beach together, and I don’t think he’s joking.

Finally, Joan visits with Chock Full o’ Soup whose video package explains that he has left behind his MOTHER WHO HAS STAGE 4 CANCER TO BE ON THIS DUMB SHOW. Sir. Not a good look.

Chock Full o’ Soup tells Joan about his kids and dog and how climbing Kilimanjaro is on his bucket list and she’s welcome to tag along. Thank you, but absolutely not. He also admits that he is very lonely, and wants to find that right person to spend his life with. I will grant points for vulnerability.

And then it’s time to hand out the First Impression Rose, which she offers to Clark Griswold because he’s a “big teddy bear” who felt “easy,” and made her “feel safe.”

And usually this is where we head into the Rose Ceremony, but instead, Joan has Jesse wheel in a TV and begins playing taped messages from the men’s kids to their dads. (Though I think it’s curious that at no time does the show mention they were filming this on Father’s Day, meaning these men were separated from their kids that day. I think it’s pertinent and sweet, but I suspect someone in production didn’t want the show to look bad for separating them or something, who knows.)

Some stand-out videos include Verklempt whose adopted daughter tells him all she ever wanted was a dad, and that his support has meant the world to her. He cries.

Pickleball’s daughter, who along with her partner, tells him how proud she is of him. 

Party Gary’s daughter Kelsey and grandson, Jet who miss their Pop-Pop, leaving him in tears, too, because THIS GODDAMN SHOW. HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING.

Alright, and if that’s not bad enough, let’s send home some of these lovely men who aren’t afraid to have hobbies, cook, and be vulnerable in front of one another.

Rose #1: Verklempt Dan
Rose #2: Eyes Wide Shut Jonathan
Rose #3: Kelsey’s Dad Mark
Rose #4: Dr. Guy
Rose #5: Willy Wonka Charles
Rose #6: Restraining Order Gil
Rose #7: Party Gary
Rose #8: Frenchie Pascal
Rose #9: Chock Full o’ Soup
Rose #10: Captain Kim
Rose #11: Prune Juice Christopher
Rose #12: Mystery Gregg
Rose #13: Charles in Charge
Rose #14: Pickleball Jordan
Rose #15: Dr. Bob
Rose #16: Plant Man Michael
Rose #17: Chef Jack

Which means we have to say goodbye to Someone Named Bill; Cowboy David; Always Doomed Pablo; Boston Ken; RJ in Finance; and Fire Chief Thomas.

Sorry, grandpas. Hope to see some of you in Golden Paradise. Don’t forget your beta blockers.

Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joan:

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesday on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

 

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