MONDAY
The Bachelor: Oh, Onyeka and Nicole are FOR SURE going home in the opening minutes of this episode. 7 p.m., ABC
Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood: A documentary about a former Marine who became an escort and pimp for gay stars in Hollywood. SCANDALICIOUS. 8 p.m., Starz
Studio 54: You might want to watch this if you were at Studio 54 back in the day because you FOR SURE don’t remember what happened. 9 p.m., A&E
TUESDAY
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: OH NO, HOW IS THIS HAPPENING ALREADY, I’M NOT READY, NO. GO AWAY. Season premiere. 8 p.m., Bravo
Miracle Workers: Daniel Radcliffe and Steve Buscemi star in this comedy about a bunch of angels trying to convince God not to destroy the world. WHY? LET HIM DO IT. BRING IT, GOD. Series premiere. 9:30 p.m., TBS
Boomerang: The Eddie Murphy movie is now a TV series produced by Halle Berry and Lena Waithe. So there you go. Series premiere. 9 p.m., BET
WEDNESDAY
The Real Housewives of New Jersey: It’s the season finale and I’m like 78 episodes behind. ~siiiiiiiiiigh~ 8 p.m., Bravo
Celebrity Big Brother: A winner? is chosen. Season finale. 8 p.m., CBS
Paranormal Caught on Camera: Look, I’m a sucker for a crappy ghost show and I don’t care who knows it. Series premiere. 9 p.m., Travel
THURSDAY
Dating Around: Celebrate Valentine’s Day by watching other people go on awkward first dates. Netflix
Ken Jeong: You Complete Me: Dr. Ken gets his own stand-up special. Netflix
The Philadelphia Story: Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, and Jimmy Stewart. What more do you need? 7 p.m., TCM
FRIDAY
It’s Superhero Friday, apparently:
Umbrella Academy: A superhero family tries to solve the mystery of their adopted father’s death in this bananas-looking new series. Netflix
Doom Patrol: These superheroes are “traumatized and downtrodden.” Series premiere. DC Universe
Kim Possible: And the live action film of this animated series about a teen girl who saves the world from supervillains in her spare time is here. Premiere. 7 p.m., Disney
Proven Innocent: In this new legal drama, an underdog criminal defense firm is led by a young woman whose brother was wrongfully convicted. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Fox
Lorena: Superheroes don’t always wear capes. Series premiere. Amazon
SATURDAY
Deadpool 2: Because I suppose we’re not done with the superheroes just yet. 7 p.m., HBO
Saturday Night Live: Don Cheadle & Gary Clarke, Jr. 10:30 p.m., NBC
Ransom: Season three premiere. 7 p.m., CBS
SUNDAY
Last Week Tonight: John Oliver is back, THANK GAWD. Season premiere. 10 p.m., HBO
Elvis All-Star Tribute: The King is celebrated on the 50th anniversary of his Comeback Special, also known as Peak Sexy Elvis. LOOK AT THIS MOFO:
Anyway, a bunch of new country artists are going to pay tribute to this, but ain’t none of them are going to be as good as this. 8 p.m., NBC
Star Wars: The Force Awakens: No lie, I put this in the top three Star Wars movies. Fight me. 7 p.m., ABC