foolish watcher

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Secret Rende-true

Therese Odell
Advertisements

Bachelor in Paradise
August 11, 2025

Right, so, I neglected to mention in the last episode that not even halfway through the theme song, the whole thing took a turn when, after a couple of the contestants posed and jumped around, some gardeners walked through the set, followed by what looked like exasperated producers who wave the whole thing off. It was unexpected and kinda funny. I only mention that because this episode brings back the theme song and credits, but now all of the contestants are animals (except for Biker Chick, who is riding a horse, who is labeled Captain Kim):

I’m not mad at it.

Day 13 of Paradise

We begin the day with Captain Kim sitting Biker Chick down to give her some news. Following his little visit to the ER to check out his heart, the medical team evaluated him again, and decided that he is looking better, but they want him to wear a heart monitor because the ABC lawyers are having a meltdown back in New York just to keep an eye on things. Biker Chick bursts into tears, but Captain Kim assures her that this is a good thing! This is good news! He gets to stay in Paradise and hang out with her! Well, at least for another 48 hours!

All-4-Wells and Hannah Brown arrive with news of their next relationship test: they’ll all be meeting Jesse Palmer for a “Secret Rendezvous.”

In reality, they are brought to some isolation booths arranged in a circle, where Jesse Palmer stands in the center. He explains they will be answering a series of questions. The couple who gives the most matching answers will win the first rose (essentially immunity), but they will not be the ones who decide who goes home. Instead, the group will vote on the man, and by extension his partner, whom they collectively want to send home.

But wait! There’s more! If a contestant matches more than 5 answers with someone they are not in a relationship with, they will meet them in the center of the circle without anyone else knowing, and they can decide if they would like to have a “Secret Rendezvous” that evening.

The group is asked questions like, “What’s the best time of day to have sex?” and “What are your favorite role-playing characters in the bedroom?” And not to be prudish, but if you added some indiscriminate twerking and Shein bikinis, we’d suddenly be on Love Island. 

In the end, Cheeky Mummy and Frodo win, to their and our shock, seeing as they aren’t actually a couple.

As for the people who matched who aren’t coupled up and offered a chance at a “Secret Rendezvous”:

To which all of them say, “Thanks but absolutely not.”

Well — there’s one exception. Too Much cryptically tells Selfie to “think about it,” before they exit the “CIRCLE OF TRUTH.”

Selfie:

Later, Frodo and Cheeky Mummy have a detente. Frodo tells him that he hurt her feelings by friend-zoning her; Cheeky Mummy asks her to forgive him for not having romantic feelings; they hug it out and agree that they’re going to play with their heads, not their hearts, and win that half a million dingos.

Elsewhere, while Overcompensating is literally wondering what “rendezvous” even means …

… Too Much sends Selfie a written invitation to the “Secret Rendezvous,” adding he “just want[s] to talk.”

And what does he want to talk about? Not getting into Selfie’s pants, but rather, he wants to tell her about Overcompensating 1. regretting not giving his rose to Hannah Brown, Jr., 2. calling Hannah Brown, Jr. and begging her to return to the show, 3. saying that he would propose to Hannah Brown, Jr. on the spot if she came back. You know, things that Overcompensating has neglected to tell Selfie himself.

However, Selfie is preeeeeety sure Too Much wants to get into her pants and is like, “ew” and “no.”

Selfie explains to PowerPoint — Too Much’s partner — that she received this note from “someone,” but she’s not going to accept, and she’s going to go tell Overcompensating all about it. PowerPoint asks if the note came from Too Much, and Selfie is like “…”

PowerPoint is like, “So Too Much sent it. Got it.”

As for Too Much, he waits in the designated “Secret Rendezvous” spot, but alas, no one comes.

The tree-cleaning maid is concerned for him:

Meanwhile, Selfie heads to Overcompensating’s room, where he has already gone to bed, and wakes him up to tell him that Too Much invited her to meet him at the “Secret Rendezvous.” Overcompensating is like, “We should vote to send him home, OK, goodnight.”

Back at the bar, PowerPoint confronts Too Much over the “Secret Rendezvous” he tried to arrange with Selfie. He takes PowerPoint aside and explains that it’s not like all that, that he is going to tell her about Overcompensating being a gross jerk, AND that apparently all of her friends know about it and didn’t tell her.

EVEN SWEET LITTLE LLAMA DRAMA.

Yep! Llama Drama and Julia Roberts and Golden Retriever and The One and Accent Guy, apparently, they all knew about Overcompensating calling Hannah Brown, Jr., and none of them bothered to tell Selfie. (Others might have also known, but this is the core group that acknowledges they knew alllllll about this and said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.)

So, is Too Much going to tell Selfie because he knows Overcompensating sees him as a threat, and it could open up an opportunity for himself in this competition? Yes. Is Too Much going to tell Selfie because she’s a sweet person who doesn’t deserve to be treated this way by either Overcompensating or her so-called friends? Also yes.

And when Selfie finally joins the group, Too Much asks to take her aside to talk, and out of curiosity, if nothing else, she agrees. Too Much explains that he’s not interested in her romantically, but that she needs to know these things about Overcompensating, and proceeds to tell her all the shit things this shit man has said to everyone in Paradise about Hannah Brown, Jr.

Selfie is heartbroken. She sobs and says she wants to go home, and, honestly, who can blame her?

Over at the bar, the other contestants notice that Too Much and Selfie are talking and begin to freeeeeeak out, worried that he’s telling her about Overcompensating. OH NO, IS THE WORST CONTESTANT ON THE SHOW ACTUALLY BEING A BETTER FRIEND TO SELFIE THAN ANY OF YOU?

Selfie heads inside and wakes Overcompensating’s ass up to demand to know if all of this is true. He admits to calling Hannah Brown Jr., but denies wishing he had chosen her over Selfie, or that he said he’d propose to Hannah Brown, Jr. on the spot.

Selfie sobs that she wants to go home and heads back to her room to pack her things, while Overcompensating stumbles shirtless out to the bar to try to figure out who squealed.

Meanwhile, Too Much begins to realize that telling Selfie the truth is not going to win him any popularity contests and begins to panic that he might have just sent himself and PowerPoint home. And when people — notably The One — confronts Too Much about being the one who told Selfie about Overcompensating’s crap behavior, Too Much is like, “NOPE, NOT ME.”

Meanwhile, Llama Drama goes to check in on her “friend,” suddenly mustering up concern for her that failed to exist in the past week.

Llama Drama tells Selfie that she didn’t tell her about Overcompensating calling Hannah Brown, Jr., because Overcompensating was so hurt that Selfie went on a date with Accent Guy.

THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE.

And am I the only one who remembers that Overcompensating was tantruming because Selfie went on a date after he had gone on a date with Hannah Brown, Jr. the day before?

Having failed to flush out the tattletell, Overcompensating announces he’s going back to bed, while complaining that this whole Hannah Brown, Jr. thing happened eight whole days ago, and, what, he’s supposed to be held accountable for such ancient history?

Day 14 of Paradise

WELP, SHE DIDN’T GO HOME. The next morning, Selfie is still in Paradise, and asks Overcompensating to go on a walk with her to talk over some things.

UGH.

And this man says in a talking head that the thought of losing Selfie makes him feel “sad and shitty” because “technically” he could have prevented this. TECHNICALLY? TECHNICALLY? Do you know what the word “technically” means, sir?

So, they go to the beach, and Selfie asks Overcompensating if he said that if Hannah Brown, Jr. came back, he’d propose to her, and this man lies straight to her face, promising he never said that.

OK BUT NOT ONLY DID HE SAY IT, HE BACKED OUT OF THE RANGE OF THE CAMERA AND WHISPERED IT BECAUSE HE KNEW IT WAS BAD AND DIDN’T WANT IT ON TAPE, BUT IT IS ON TAPE ANYWAY.

Overcompensating goes on to say that Paradise is just a big game of telephone, and this whole story just got out of hand. And she forgives him, explaining in an interview that in the real world, she forgives but never forgets, but that she has to give him more grace because they’re in Paradise.

MA’AM. NO YOU DO NOT.

Elsewhere, there’s some low-level Goldens drama where Regina George is questioning whether Captain Kim and Biker Chick’s relationship is even real, but who cares.

2 Hours Until the Vote

As he arrives at the cocktail party, Too Much is feeling good about his chances because he’s an idiot. The One quickly relieves him of this notion, telling him that people are talking about voting him out because they know he’s the one who tattled to Selfie.

Too Much, whom we have already determined is very dumb, replies, “NUH-UH, IT WAS THE GIRLS.”

Julia Roberts, who is standing right there when Too Much blurts out this lie, is all, “THE HELL?” Julia Roberts then, with a straight face, explains that hearing Too Much lying to The One tells her everything she needs to know about him and his character. Julia Roberts takes loyalty very seriously, you see.

OK BUT WHAT ABOUT OVERCOMPENSATING’S LIES AND LACK OF LOYALTY WHICH IS WHAT GOT US ALL HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? DO THOSE NOT COUNT?

At one point, PowerPoint urges Too Much to talk it over with Overcompensating, noting that people are freaking out, and he needs to make it right. So, Too Much takes Overcompensating aside and explains that he felt like Selfie needed to know about the whole Hannah Brown, Jr. thing because he didn’t want her to find out by watching it on TV. Overcompensating does not accept this explanation and grouses that if Too Much was concerned about Selfie, he should have come to him first and not have inserted himself into their relationship.

That conversation out of the way, Too Much makes his way back to the group, where he is berated by “nice” dudes, Accent Guy (!) and Golden Retriever (!!!) of all people, who insist that he should have given Overcompensating a chance to tell Selfie himself, and that he violated “bro code.”

BRO CODE? BRO CODE? BRO CODE??? AND WHY ARE THE OTHER WOMEN AGREEING WITH THIS? What in the immature toxic masculinity culture is this bullshit? I honestly feel like I did when President Dicktator had John Bolton’s house raided by the FBI last week: HOW ARE YOU MAKING ME SIDE WITH THIS ASSHOLE?

Meanwhile, All-4-Wells, who is a grown-ass man with emotional intelligence and morals, literally can not believe what he is hearing.

Line up, you misogynistic dipshits.

Cheeky Mummy: Frodo
Golden Retriever: Starla
Accent Guy: Llama Dram
The One: Julia Roberts
Big Check: Christina Aguilera
Overcompensating: Selfie
Clark Griswold: Regina George
Too Much: PowerPoint

Which means after all that, they sent home Captain Kim and Biker Chick, ostensibly out of concern for Captain Kim’s health and not because they were sick of watching these two grandparents sucking on each other’s tongues next to the pool. Look, it’s as good a reason as any.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

Exit mobile version