foolish watcher

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: The Ex-Factor

Therese Odell

Bachelor in Paradise (ABC)

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Bachelor in Paradise
July 14, 2023

Oh hey, there’s a new version of the “Almost Paradise” theme song that now includes a rap break. 

Day 4 of Paradise

It is a new cycle in Paradise, meaning that the men will be the ones handing out roses.

This ensures two things:

1. More women will be arriving in Paradise.

2. The men will become VERY SQUIRRELY about the relationships that just 12 hours ago were such strong connections when the women were handing out roses.

This particularly applies to that jabroni, Too Much, who, aware that he is in the power seat, doesn’t even bother to say good morning to T-Shirt Gun.

It does not go unnoticed.

As for the other men, they all admit they are open to meeting whoever arrives in Paradise, all except for Great Face, who insists he’s all in on Sporty Spice, and it would take a lot for him to disembark from that particular train.

Cue the new arrivals on jet skis:

First up, we have Parisa from Grant’s season, whom I nicknamed PowerPoint because she gave Grant a VERY stalkery PowerPoint presentation on their future, including AI-generated babies. She probably will be better remembered as Rock Girl, because she was really into rocks. She was a cute little weirdo. 

PowerPoint = Parisa (ABC)

PowerPoint explains that she’s looking for two things in Paradise, “real critters” and “real love.” Well, she won’t go home disappointed on one front.

Joining PowerPoint is Alli Jo from Grant’s season, whom I cleverly nicknamed “Jersey Girl” on account of her being from New Jersey. Again, this was a missed nickname opportunity as she has shaped her entire personality around being a boxing trainer. So many directions I could have gone with that. Alas.

Jersey Girl = Alli Jo (ABC)

“I’m built for the ring, but looking for a different one,” someone on the production staff wrote for her.

It should also be noted that T-Shirt Gun and Jersey Girl did not become best friends on Grant’s season, so when she sees these two arrive at Paradise, T-Shirt Gun’s response is literally, “I’m gonna throw up.” I mean, you did sign up for this merry-go-round, ma’am, but also, who am I to judge you when I feel the exact same way just watching this nonsense?

Jesse Palmer arrives to give the new women date cards before heading back out to the links.

T-Shirt Gun takes the two new women aside before they start talking to the men and is like, “SO, TOO MUCH AND I ARE IN LOVE, DON’T TAKE MY MAN, I AM ONLY KIDDING, BUT I AM NOT KIDDING AT ALL.”

PowerPoint, who found herself immediately drawn to Too Much is like, “Oh no … but also, who cares? This is Paradise, and they have literally known each other for three days? It’s not like they’re married?”

PowerPoint takes Too Much aside to chat, and mentions that she knows that he received T-Shirt Gun’s rose. This wet hoagie insists that he doesn’t feel like he’s found “his person” yet.

Which is when the Paradise editors we have come to know and love swoop in with the chyron: “24 Hours Earlier” and a clip of Too Much telling T-Shirt Gun, “I choose you.”

Meanwhile, in the present, T-Shirt Gun is watching that moldy salami Too Much talking to PowerPoint: “I want to punch him. He needs self-growth.”

GIRL, THE WAY YOU ARE EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS ABOUT ALL OF YOU PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.

Elsewhere, Jersey Girl is making goo-goo eyes at The One and offers to “share [her] taco” with him.

Julia Roberts seethes nearby.

The One tells Jersey Girl that he went on a one-on-one date with Julia Roberts, and when she asks if it was good, all this man can say is that Julia Roberts “became seasick.” Jersey Girl assures him that she does not get seasick or have motion sickness and UGH WHATEVER, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN EXERCISE YOUR INNER EAR SO QUIT BEING SO SMUG. Signed, Someone Who Gets Motion Sickness if She Stands Up Too Quickly.

Before the newbies can ask out their dates, All-4-Wells and Hannah Brown split the men and women up and explain they will be taking a chemistry test. Each of them will go through the pictures of the opposite sex and select whom they would like to kiss. If they both choose each other, they will be able to kiss in a kissing booth, and no one else will ever have to know.

In a talking head, All-4-Wells rhetorically asks if these ding dongs are going to kiss and tell, and answers his own question: “Probably, because they are idiots.” But, he adds, they would be stupid not to kiss everyone because, he reminds us, it is only Day 4.

And from what I can tell, with the exception of Great Face and Golden Retriever, the other men do select all of the women. Let’s see how that works out for them:

Cheeky Mummy is first in the kissing booth hut where he is matched with:

Too Much is next where he meets:

When T-Shirt Gun leaves the kissing hut, she notes that he walked out, too. But this Jersey Shore reject, he just pretends to walk away, only to return to the kissing hut where he is matched with:

Golden Retriever heads to the kissing hut where he meets with:

Overcompensating is next in the kissing hut, where he matches with:

In fact, a producer has to come in and shoo Overcompensating out of the kissing hut with a pathetic little fist bump, lol.

Great Face heads into the kissing hut, where he meets:

Our final man, The One, heads into the kissing hut where he matches with:

With this little oral herpes experiment behind us, attention returns to the date cards that PowerPoint and Jersey Girl are carrying around.

T-Shirt Gun drags Too Much off to a beach bed to try to figure out what is going on in his expired ravioli brain. There, she tells him he’s acting different, not saying hello in the morning, being weird around her all day. She’s confused, and the one thing she does not do is play games. Too Much evades and ducks and doesn’t look her in the eye, and T-Shirt Gun is like, “Look, I would prefer you not connect with PowerPoint, but I am also telling you there are respectful ways for you to go about this …”

Which is, of course, exactly when the producers shove PowerPoint in their direction and she asks if she can interrupt.

“I’M GUCCI,” T-Shirt Gun yell-chuckles.

Reader, T-Shirt Gun is not Gucci.

But she stomps away, and PowerPoint invites Too Much on her date, which he excitedly accepts.

Elsewhere, Jersey Girl feels out Cheeky Mummy and The One to join her on the date, but eventually invites Cheeky Mummy. (I don’t know for sure, but it sure feels like they cut out footage of The One letting Jersey Girl down gently for Drama Reasons, but that’s just pure conjecture.)

This foursome: PowerPoint, Too Much, Cheeky Mummy, and Jersey Girl are sent to some makeshift bar in the jungle where All-4-Wells happens to be tending. There, All-4-Wells leads them through a bunch of “sexy” games and very terrible twerking. Seriously, the producers should hire former Love Island contestants to train these people how to twerk before they are set loose in Paradise, because these particular white girls do not have it.

Anyway, they have a good time, but Too Much most of all, and you can actually see the little hamster gears turning inside of his giant provolone head, concocting plans to get rid of T-Shirt Gun once and for all.

Back in Paradise, we have another new arrival: one Jill from Clayton’s season whom I nicknamed “Death Threat” because she arrived on the first night with what she claimed were her former boyfriends’ ashes as something of a threat to that dumb toothy idiot. She’s wacky and is way too good for this franchise. 

Jill = “Death Threat” (ABC)

Apparently, my girl Death Threat here, she was on the season of Paradise I did not watch, and it did not go well for her because SHE IS BUILT FOR THESE SHOWS. GO BACK TO THE AIRPORT NOW, HONEY.

But she does not take my advice, and instead finds her friend from Paradise season 8, Great Face, to ask him if “anyone reads here.”

Baby. It’s a four and a half hour drive back to the airport. I assure you, it’s worth it.

Instead, Great Face gives her a breakdown on which men are available: Cheeky Mummy, and which are not: everyone else.

As for Great Face himself, he and Sporty Spice are struggling to connect, despite his insistence that he is only interested in her. They have a big, hard conversation where Sporty Spice reveals she is reluctant to actually open up to and become vulnerable with Great Face because she’s not convinced he’s over his ex, Hannah Brown, Jr. Sporty Spice insists that she has feelings for Great Face, but also urges him to talk to other people, to take a breather with her and open himself up to other conversations.

Enter exactly who we all knew who would be coming to Paradise from the very first episode: Susie from Clayton’s season, a.k.a. Hannah Brown Jr., on account of looking exactly like Hannah Brown, a.k.a. Great Face’s ex-girlfriend, whom he is clearly not over yet. 

Hannah Brown, Jr. = Susie (ABC)

In her intro, Hannah Brown Jr. reminds us that she’s best known for turning down that dolt Clayton’s final rose, before adding that she and Great Face broke up only four months ago (and not two months ago as suggested in the previous episode).

Right, so Hannah Brown Jr. arrives and is greeted enthusiastically by everyone, while also being informed that none of the men are free. But just as she is convinced she has arrived at a “horrible” time, Overcompensating swoops in and asks if she’d like to chat.

Overcompensating reveals that Hannah Brown Jr. is one of the people he was hoping to meet in Paradise, though he’s a little nervous about talking to her on account of the whole Selfie situation.

Cut to Selfie:

Elsewhere, our double date returns, and Too Much and PowerPoint immediately get into the pool together and make out. T-Shirt Gun considers homicide.

Instead of murder, T-Shirt Gun decides to shoot her shot with The One; after all, they chose each other in the kissing tent. However, The One already has his hands full; he’s not about to trade the lunatic he knows for the lunatic he doesn’t know, and tells T-Shirt Gun as much.

As for the exes: Great Face and Hannah Brown Jr. finally have a sit-down where Great Face tells her he’s pursuing Sporty Spice, but that Sporty Spice has some reservations about their relationship and whether they are over each other. The notion that they are over each other is immediately undermined when Hannah Brown Jr. begins sobbing, and the two of them talk about how they’ve never had a relationship with anyone else quite like what they had, and Hannah Brown Jr. immediately announces this was a mistake and she’s going home.

Everything is fine and going great and definitely won’t end in disaster!

Day 5 of Paradise

The next morning, Jesse Palmer arrives and calls the entire group over to announce a few things:

1. Great Face and Hannah Brown Jr. are exes

2. Hannah Brown Jr. and Death Threat have date cards

3. ROSE CEREMONY TONIGHT.

All of this information sends everyone into a panic.

Too Much takes T-Shirt Gun aside to dump her; it doesn’t go well. When T-Shirt Gun gives this melted collagen face mask whatfor and tells him he has bad character, he was rude, and should have spoken to her when he returned from his date, he just pouts that she’s not letting him talk, even though he has nothing to say or contribute other than “nuh-uh.” Also, the editors are clearly on Team T-Shirt Gun, what with proving all of her points with clips because Too Much is a lazy liar and dumb.

Elsewhere, Hannah Brown Jr. and Sporty Spice have a healthy conversation, where Hannah Brown Jr. insists that she and Great Face are all good, and she doesn’t want Sporty Spice to have any hesitation about pursuing him because of her. It’s nice!

As for Jersey Girl, she went on her date with Cheeky Mummy, but apparently sparks, they did not exactly fly. To that end, she takes The One to the beach to chat and make out and remind him that her inner ear is remarkably stable.

Julia Roberts, however, becomes suspicious when their conversation lasts too long and grabs PowerPoint to “go play mermaids” in the ocean just in his eyeline and reminds him that she is still there. It works remarkably well despite the fact that these people are all in their late twenties/thirties and not 7. 

As for those date cards: Death Threat invites Cheeky Mummy to go on her BIP VIP Suite date with her, and he happily agrees, because what else does is he going to do?

But the date is mostly friend vibes: they head up to the suite where he makes some terrible Bloody Marys, despite having been a professional bartender at some point; they play Twister, and awkwardly kiss; and they splash around in the suite’s private pool. It’s giving 9th-grade slumber party.

As for Hannah Brown Jr., she invites Overcompensating to go on her jet skiing date. He happily agrees, but notes that he has to check in with Selfies, to be polite. But Selfies, she’s going to be The Cool Girlfriend and encourages him to have fun.

And Overcompensating does have fun with Hannah Brown Jr. They jet ski, they drink some bubbly on the beach, they make out. It’s a much more real date than whatever was going on between Death Threat and Cheeky Mummy. All the while, Selfies is back at the resort, chirping to herself that EVERYTHING IS FINE AND SHE AND OVERCOMPENSATING HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.

Suddenly, it’s Cocktail Party time ahead of the Rose Ceremony.

PowerPoint challenges Too Much to some improv, which … absolutely not.

And here I thought he was the problem …

Overcompensating and Selfie have a terrible conversation where he confesses he wants to keep both him and Hannah Brown Jr., and she tries to be VERY COOL ABOUT IT.

Great Face and Sporty Spice have a nice conversation where Sporty Spice tells Great Face that after talking with Hannah Brown Jr., she’s over her insecurities about their relationship and ready to move forward with him, as long as he feels like he can be open and honest with her regarding his feelings. He agrees, and everyone is happy. THE END!

Except, obviously, not.

Elsewhere, Cheeky Mummy tries to let Death Threat down gently; she doesn’t really get the hint.

Jersey Girl and The One have a conversation while Julia Roberts LOSES HER MIND.

And finally, Great Face and Hannah Brown Jr. have another conversation where she talks about what a shitty situation she is in with Overcompensating and Selfies, having come in a little bit late to the whole thing. In return, Great Face feels guilty because his experience at Paradise has been better because of her and what she has given him, because she’s always the one giving, and yet the one getting the short end of the stick, and they always promised to protect each other …

And I’m sorry, I am going to need a LOT more information on this relationship between these two, what happened, why they broke up, who broke up with whom. Because she’s sobbing now, and I don’t understand why they aren’t together when there is THIS MUCH going on between them emotionally. The bottom line is that neither of these people should be in Paradise; they should either be together working things out or separately in therapy. BUT PARADISE SHOULD NOT BE A PART OF EITHER OF THEIR PLANS.


Alright! On to the Rose Ceremony, where everything will go smoothly and nothing will ruin the Producers’ plan!

Golden Retriever: Starla
The One: Julia Roberts
Overcompensating: Selfies
Too Much: PowerPoint
Cheeky Mummy: Llama Drama
Great Face: Hannah Brown Jr.

But Hannah Brown Jr. SHE WON’T ACCEPT THE ROSE, so Great Face, he storms off, and then Hannah Brown Jr. and Jesse Palmer, and all the camera folk, they chase after him and Sporty Spice is like “FUCK THIS NOISE,” and announces she’s going home and after three hours of absolutely nothing happening, we’re finally getting some chaos which is, of course, when the episode ends because the Bachelor producers hate you, NEVER FORGET.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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