foolish watcher

‘The Bachelorette’: Baring it all

Therese Odell
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The Bachelorette
July 22, 2024

We begin this episode with something new, a viewer discretion warning:

Ok, but how did that second card not read, “If you have a weak heart, or a raging libido, or are Yosef’s daughter, viewer discretion is advised.”

Because you know they considered it.

We are still in Melbourne, Australia, and the men are spending their time working out shirtless and making big talk about how they need to set aside their differences and focus on Jenn.

The only one-on-one date card of the week arrives: “Golden Retriever: Can our love take us higher? Love, Jenn.”

Jenn explains that Golden Retriever “brings out [her] goofy side” (if you say so) and that since night one, he’s been very attentive. When he meets her for the date, she takes him to do something she’s never done before: a helicopter ride to go look at some rocks.

Upon getting into the helicopter, Golden Retriever helps Jenn with her seat belt and pours her some champagne and these small gestures leave Jenn agog, cooing about how he “made a safe space” for her. They make out.

And I’m not saying that Golden Retriever isn’t a nice boy. He seems like a very nice boy! I’m just saying the bar is not just low, it is on the damn floor if you are impressed when a man pours a drink for you. WHO HURT YOU, JENN?

That evening, they meet downtown somewhere for “dinner” and again, I don’t want to be mean to Golden Retriever, because he genuinely is a human golden retriever, but, sir, where are your socks?

Over dinner, Golden Retriever reveals that he had been engaged before, even bought a house with her, when she left him about two months before the wedding. When he did a little digging, he discovered she had cheated on him, and he was left to just pick up the pieces alone.

Jenn is sympathetic, but wonders if he’s ready to get engaged again. Golden Retriever insists that he spent the last four years getting over it and is absolutely ready to dive back in. Jenn is reassured and offers him the date rose before taking him up to the roof to watch some fireworks and make out some more.

Back at the hotel, the men have returned to their shirts, and despite insisting they are going to keep “the main thing the main thing,” Breakfast Shots and Win-Nyguen are out here talking shit about Temu Pete Davidson. Again. They call him an “ankle-biting dog” and Breakfast Shots insists that Jenn can’t both be interested in him and someone like Temu Pete Davidson, that just doesn’t math.

The next date card arrives: “Dr. Stethoscope; Major Tom; PUPPIES!; Dr. Pedestal; Beatboxer; Cheeky Mummy; Love Virgin; Win-Nguyen; Breakfast Shots; and Temu Pete Davidson: Looking for love down under. Love, Jenn.”

Breakfast Shots has a snit about being on another date with Temu Pete Davidson and then goes on to threaten to “step on [his] neck.”


The group meets Jenn at a theater, which obviously means some sort of performance date. That, plus the warning at the beginning of the episode, and the “down under” reference in the date card suggests that this is going to be an easy date for Cheeky Mummy and any other exhibitionists in the group.

And, in fact, the men are introduced to some of the dancers of the Australia-via-Las Vegas exotic dancer group, Thunder Down Under. The strippers go on to teach the men how to do body rolls, rip their thin t-shirts, and do something that is called a “dolphin dive.” Most of the guys take it all in with a mix of embarrassment and bemusement.

All except Love Virgin. After hurting his thumb while practicing the “dolphin dive” (maybe) (call me skeptical), Love Virgin explains did not come on The Bachelorette to strip, MA’AM. He came here to find LOVE.

The Thunder Down Unders inform the men that the men will be performing in front of Jenn and a live audience filled with screaming fans, after which one man will be crowned “Mr. Love Down Under.” Upon hearing that there will be even more women involved, Love Virgin’s anxiety blossoms into pure panic. “I DID NOT COME ON THIS SHOW TO LOOK LIKE A FOOL IN FRONT OF JENN AND THE WORLD,” he pouts.

Excuse me, what show do you think you’re on, Sir?

Jenn assures the men that she is looking for them to show their personalities and willingness to step outside of their comfort zones, not just for the best abs. And these diabolical cameramen, they do this to Temu Pete Davidson:

The men are then sent backstage to pick out costumes and gather their courage.

Joining Jenn to watch the show (besides the random Australian women in the audience) are two sisters who were former Australian Bachelorettes, here to help Jenn figure out which of these men will make the best husband and father based on their pelvic thrusting and grinding skills.

When the votes are in, Cheeky Mummy wins the crown of Mr. Love Down Under, not that it means much, other than receiving the first chat during the cocktail party that night. 

When it’s Temu Pete Davidson’s turn with Jenn, he jokes that she might not recognize him with all of his clothes on, before admitting that the date was particularly difficult for him. Temu Pete Davidson explains that he was a heavy kid who hated even looking at himself in the mirror. He worked hard to change that, but some of those body issues still come up from time to time. Jenn is impressed with Temu’s vulnerability, his self-confidence, and how he’s peeling back layers, revealing something more than just the giant goofball that he presents to the world.

As for Love Virgin, he apologizes to Jenn for being, and I quote: “The corniest guy in the room.”

He then worries about holding her hand and if he’s doing it right. He explains that Jenn makes him feel a special kind of way and while he knows it might not have been the most eloquent way of saying it, he needed to tell her how he felt. Jenn assures him he should never be ashamed of how he feels.

(Unless, of course, he panicked, faked a thumb injury, and then pulled the “I’m falling in love with you” card out of his ass, all just to get out of taking off his pants on national TV.)

Meanwhile, the other men — and by “other men” I mean Breakfast Shots and Win-Nguyen — are out here loudly mocking Love Virgin for declaring his love to Jenn. After his time with Jenn, Love Virgin addresses the men, explaining that he was “feeling a certain type of way” in the moment that he told Jenn that he was falling for her, but now he feels pathetic and wishes he could have expressed himself better.

But Temu Pete Davidson, he’s not having it, and he assures Love Virgin that he neither should backtrack nor explain, and that there’s no reason to feel sorry for what he did or who he is. And while I think what Love Virgin did was insincere, I … also kinda appreciate Temu Pete Davidson for standing up and defending him against the Mean Girls?

Breakfast Shots does NOT appreciate being called out for his bullying and begins by saying to Love Virgin that he is “more soft spoken” than him. Temu Pete Davidson stops Breakfast Shots right there and calls bullshit on Breakfast Shot’s claim that he has “mutual respect” for all of the men, what with all the whispering and chattering behind everyone else’s back.

Breakfast Shots clutches his pearls before telling Temu that he DOES NOT have respect for him, he DOES NOT want to be friends with him, and he DOES NOT have anything to say to him. He then runs outside and whines to the producers about Temu Pete Davidson bullying him.

The producers are unimpressed.

Breakfast Shots then spends his time with Jenn straddling her, threatening to take off his clothes, and humping her … and, just, no. No sir, the stripping portion of the date is over. Please return to your pants and your dignity.

Jenn rejoins the men, tells them that she is giving this date rose to someone who is confident and showed her something different, before offering Temu Pete Davidson the rose.

Breakfast Shots:

After Jenn leaves, Temu Pete Davidson smirks that Win-Nguyen said it best: the date rose a testament to the kind of man she wants in the future. Breakfast Shots is all, “COOL HUMILITY, BRO,” but Temu Pete Davidson is like, “In the end, it’s about what Jenn wants, and everything else should fall to the wayside.”

Back at the hotel, The Twin receives a life-changing phone call: a spot has opened up in the Air Force’s fighter pilot training program, a spot he’s been waiting a year and a half for. However, if he wants to take it, he has to come back to the States next week, and he has one day to decide.

The Twin pretends this is a difficult decision: the thing he’s dreamed of doing his entire life or this woman he barely knows who is dating 15 other guys?

But keeping up the illusion, The Twin agrees to go on the final group date of the week and see what happens.

So he, Mullet, Overcompensating, and The Up House are brought to a race track where they are greeted by Jenn who comes squealing up in a race car. And let me just bitch here for one second about how the show makes it appear that Jenn was the one driving, and doing all these crazy dangerous maneuvers, as she gets out of the car on the left side, but they are in Australia and the driver sits on the right, meaning that she was just the passenger — a trend that carries throughout the date.

The men are introduced to a driving instructor who asks the men who amongst them has driven a stick or right-hand drive, and The Twin is the only one to raise his hand. The instructor explains that they are going to learn to do both and then engage in a race to determine who will get to spend a little extra time with Jenn.

Long boring story short: after the training, each man does a lap with Jenn in the passenger side (LET HER DRIVE), and the best time wins. Everyone tries their best, except for Overcompensating who stops mid-lap to make out with Jenn. In the end, Mullet wins, despite The Twin’s supposed “need for speed.”

During the cocktail party, The Twin tells Jenn about his pilot’s license and threatens offers to take her up sometime. He also tells her that he has a large family — 15 or 16 nieces and nephews (so many he can’t keep track, apparently) — and that he knows what he has to offer in a relationship.

With Overcompensating (who is giving off a definite Nick Viall vibe), Jenn talks about her previous toxic relationships and how she had to dim her own successes to avoid triggering their insecurities. Overcompensating admits to “having a little crush” on her, and Jenn gushes in an interview that he makes her feel “thought of.” How? How has he made you feel considered, Jenn? I’m not saying that he’s a bad guy, but I need to know what he has done here to make you feel special. Is it that he treated you like a person by listening to you speak and restraining from humping your face? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, THE BAR IS UNDER THE EARTH. SOMEONE HAS DUG A GRAVE AND BURIED THE BAR.

The Up House tells Jenn about his parents’ unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, the fact that this is being revealed now and not saved for a one-on-one does not bode well for his chances.

Mullet also takes this moment to reveal that he has previously been cheated on, and thinks that he’s never actually been in love before. So, yeah, he’s doomed, too.

In the end, Jenn gives the date rose to Overcompensating, and The Twin is like, “Welp, guess I’ll be calling my commander back at the hotel and sending in measurements for my flight suit.”

And then it’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time. When Jenn arrives, The Twin asks to speak with her first, and explains that he came on the show to meet his soulmate, and meeting her has been “such a treat.” HOWEMEVER. He just received word that he can train to be a fighter pilot so he has to go now thank you and goodbye.

BUT! Before he goes, he needs Jenn to know that there are some men downstairs who are “not ready.”

He refuses to name names, which pisses Jenn off, and insted just sort of vaguely suggests that she “figure it out,” before taking his leave in a puff of smoke.

Jenn is now fully pissed and storms back into the room with the other men to announce that she just walked The Twin out who left for personal reasons. AND BY THE WAY, he said some of y’all aren’t ready for an engagement and she wants to know what the FUCK he’s talking about.

All of the men:

She then barks at Major Tom, “LET’S GO CHAT.”

Once alone, Jenn asks Major Tom if she scared him with her speech, and he’s like, “YEAH, KINDA.” She then tells him that she believes she’s been in enough toxic relationships at this point that she can see them coming a mile away, and he doesn’t need to worry about her or her decision-making abilities. Major Tom tells her that he finds himself thinking about her, and Jenn insists that he’s made her feel better.

Meanwhile, the men try to figure out who The Twin was talking about, and when Temu Pete Davidson complains about The Twin using his last moments on the show to talk shit, Breakfast Shots swoops in to defend The Twin as his “boy,” before yammering for the 10,000th time to “keep the main thing the main thing.”

Breakfast Shots then challenges Temu Pete Davidson to step outside before warning him to not “speak on [his] name.” Which, strictly speaking, is not actually keeping “the main thing the main thing.”

Temu:

When alone with Jenn, Breakfast Shots insists that The Twin’s warning doesn’t apply to him, and that he sees the way she looks at him, she validates him. When she asks him for a hug, they start making out, and Jenn insists in an interview that you “can’t fake passion or sincerity like that.”


With Temu Pete Davidson, Jenn opens up about how she sometimes feels like she has to put on a front and be the “happy bubbly” girl that everyone expects, and never show weakness or vulnerability. Temu Pete Davidson insists that he has her back, and that seeing her be so vulnerable makes him feel like he’s meeting her all over again. He then tells her that when she’s feeling like the world is coming for her, to get behind him, he’ll take those punches on the chin and they’ll keep walking together.

This goofball is winning her over, guys.

Back in the group, the men are yelling at each other about … I don’t even know what, and Golden Retriever is like, “What is even the point of this?”

At this point, Jesse Palmer arrives to announce that it’s time to line up. As Jesse Palmer takes his leave, Love Virgin is all, “The night is still young …” to which Golden Retriever is like, “Dude, it’s over. Were you in the same room with us?”

I have forgiven Golden Retriever for not wearing socks earlier.

YOU HEARD THE BIG AFFABLE DOG, IT’S TIME TO LINE UP:

Rose #1: Major Tom
Rose #2: Doctor Pedestal
Rose #3: Cheeky Mummy
Rose #4: Mullet
Rose #5: Beatboxer
Rose #6: Breakfast Shots
Rose #7: Win-Nyguen
Rose #8: Dr. Stethoscope
Rose #9: Love Virgin

Which means the men who must go away now are: PUPPIES! and The Up House, which is a damn shame. Now who are we going to get those priceless reaction shots from?

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Jenn:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Jenn:

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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