foolish watcher

‘The Bachelor’: I’ll Grant you, that was … a premiere.

Therese Odell
Advertisements

The Bachelor
January 27, 2025

World, meet Grant Ellis, our new Bachelor. He’s apparently a Houstonian, though he told Jenn Tran he was from New Jersey — which is true: he was born in Newark. That’s right, he’s not from Texas. But like any good Texan transplants, his family got here as fast as they could. Because after all, “Even Moses got excited when he saw the Promised Land.”*

Some things to know about Grant (since we didn’t really spend any time with him on Jenn’s season): he’s 30; he’s a former pro basketball player (in the Dominican Republic); he’s now a day trader; he drives a Ferrari; he’s close to his family including his gorgeous sister; his parents are divorced; his dad is an addict but is in recovery; he appears to be a crier.

After Important Photo Shoot Business, Grant arrives at the mansion, prepared to meet the 25 women he will be dating this season. Jesse Palmer encourages him to do a weird little wiggle slide to get the nerves out and then the limos begin to arrive.

Rose, 27, Registered Nurse, Chicago, Illinois

Rose, who is a tiny, adorable little thing, opens by asking Grant if he will “accept this Rose.” GET IT? BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T GET IT I CAN EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. OK, SEE, ON THIS SHOW, THE WAY THE PROTAGONIST, A.K.A. “THE BACHELOR” EXPRESSES THAT HE WANTS TO KEEP SOMEONE AROUND IS…

Litia, 31, Venture Capitalist, Salt Lake City, Utah

Litia arrives with a sparkly basketball, explaining that she doesn’t play basketball.

In a video package, we learn that Litia was born in Hawaii in a Mormon family. Three months after she was born, her father passed in a car accident. I guess at some point, her Mormon family moved back to Mormonville, where she was raised in a big Mormon family, and she hopes to have a big Mormon family of her own one day. She’s lovely, but the Mormon thing is no joke and I’ll be curious if they discuss it further on the show.

J’ane, 28, Account Coordinator, Colorado Springs, Colorado

J’ane makes her entrance by throwing chalk into the air, which is her signal that she is Mormon Barbie’s opposite in that she can actually play basketball; in fact, like Grant, she is a former professional basketball player. And while that might seem like an obvious connection between these two, I’ve watched enough of these shows to know she’s going to be eliminated on night one.

Parisa, 29, Pediatric Behavior Analyst, Birmingham, Michigan

Parisa tells Grant that it’s nice to meet him, that he seems real and fun and that she’s excited for this and is she crying?

Carolina, 28, Public Relations Producer, Guaynabo, Puerto Rico

In her video package, we learn Carolina is from San Juan, has a dog and previously dated a DJ.

When she comes out of the limo, she hits Grant with a wall of Spanish, none of which he actually understands, so he just says, “Sí.” This man spent two basketball seasons in the Dominican Republic, and all he can say is, “Sí.”

Alli Jo, 30, Boxing Trainer, Manalapan, New Jersey

Alli Jo, who is from New Jersey, sorta like Grant, brings him a disgusting looking pizza that she clearly had to have bought in Southern California, and is all, “YO, JERSEY!”

Dina, 31, Attorney, Chicago, Illinois

Dina’s video package reveals that she is a first generation American, her parents having come to Chicago from Romania, and that they just started popping out kids: 11 to be exact. She’s a civil litigator at a large firm (I’d like to know which one, please and thank you) and people underestimate her because of her looks.

This woman’s opening line to Grant is that people tell her she has “beautiful hands” and that she wears a size six in rings.

Radhika, 28, Attorney, New York, New York

Radhika awkwardly dances her way to Grant.

Allyshia, 29, Interior Designer, Tampa, Florida

Allyshia brings out a Party City lamp because, see, genies GRANT wishes …

Natalie, 25, Ph.D. Student, Louisville, Kentucky

Natalie gives Grant some worry stones to soak up his stress (or do nothing because they are inanimate rocks and can not absorb emotion).

Beverly, 30, Insurance Salesperson, Howard Beach, New York

Beverly arrives wearing a Miss Dominican Republic sash, and turns it around to reveal it says Mrs. Ellis. Apparently, she forewent competing in the Miss Dominican Republic pageant to compete here instead. Which is a choice.

Alexe, 27, Pediatric Speech Therapist, New Brunswick, Canada

Alexe arrives with Linda, her (?) llama because she grew up on a farm in Canada, and Linda is her (?) No Drama Llama.

Grant upon seeing the llama: “Is that a donkey?”

I keep putting skeptical question marks behind “her” because I am just having a really hard time believing that either Alexe or the show would fly her personal llama all the way from New Brunswick, Canada to Los Angeles for one bit.

 

I mean, come on.

Alexe and Linda then pull a Lisa Vanderpump and GO INSIDE THE HOUSE, where the women are simultaneously shocked and amused.

“Is that allowed in here?”

WELL, IS IT?

The owners of the mansion watching this episode for the first time #TheBachelor

— Courtney🎀 (@oatmealcookies.bsky.social) 2025-01-28T01:31:40.186Z

Juliana, 28, Client Service Associate, Newton, Massachusetts

When Juliana emerges from the limo, they LITERALLY play what is described in the subtitles as “magic music” so I guess she’s our winner? Can we shut this down now? Are we done here?

Ok. Juliana got finalist music getting out of the limo. #TheBachelor

— PB Crook (@pbcrook.bsky.social) 2025-01-28T01:31:41.817Z

SIGH. FINE. I’LL KEEP GOING.

Juliana brings Grant a cannoli and I SWEAR TO GOD IF WE START LADY AND THE TRAMPING THE FOOD IN THE FIRST EPISODE I’M GONNA LOSE IT.

….. aaaaaaaaaaand they Lady and Tramp the cannoli because there has never been a single solitary original idea in any of these people’s brains in 29 seasons.

I need to go lie down and it’s been 15 minutes.

Chloie, 27, Model, New York, New York

We learn in a video package that Chloie is a plus-size model which is just a sad indictment on the entire beauty industry because this woman is not noticeably bigger than any of the other women there and I hate the patriarchy.

Anyway. She’s originally from Kansas, so she arrives wearing ruby slippers because there’s “no place like home” — a dangerous thing to say on Night One.

Bailey, 27, Social Media Manager, Atlanta, Georgia

In Bailey’s video package, we learn she has a “strong personality” and is an “acquired taste.”

To prove this, upon leaving the limo, Bailey hands Grant her cell phone and demands that he take some pictures of her because she thinks her “lifelong partner will know my angles.”

Sarafiena, 29, Associate Media Director, New York, New York

Sarafiena arrives with one of those Big Head cutouts of Grant’s head because who doesn’t want to be confronted with a five-foot-tall version of one’s own face?

Kyleigh, 26, Retail Manager, Wilmington, North Carolina

Kyleigh heard that Grant likes “salsa” so she brings him a plate of chips and hot sauce.

Ma’am, that’s not what he meant and you know it.

Ella, 25, Luxury Travel Host, Los Angeles, California

Ella tells Grant that she wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t The Bachelor.

Rebekah, 31, ICU Nurse, Dallas, Texas

Rebekah informs him that it wouldn’t be fair for him to look for his wife in a room that she wasn’t in.

Christina, 26, Marketing Director, Fargo, North Dakota

Christina tells Grant that her grandfather taught her that taking care of things makes them last longer which … OK, but what does that have to do with anything? But also, why is your dress so wrinkled, girl? Is that a nightgown? Couldn’t you run it under a steamer? Is that what you call “taking care” of your dress?

Neicey, 32, Pediatrician, Blythewood, South Carolina

Neicey arrives in her doctor’s coat and explains that the fact she’s a pediatrician proves that she can commit to something for a long time.

Kelsey, 26, Interior Designer, Brooklyn, New York

Kelsey arrives wearing a jersey with “Mrs. Ellis” on the back.

Savannah, 27, Wedding Planner, Charlottesville, Virginia

Savannah comes bearing a wedding cake. Cakes don’t usually do well in this particular universe of shows.

Vicky, 28, Nightclub Server, Las Vegas, Nevada

Vicky arrives in a pink Cadillac holding a sign that reads “VIVA LAS VICKY.”

Zoe, 27, Tech Engineer and Model, New York, New York

And finally, Zoe reveals that she had t-shirts made up with Grant’s and her faces. Armed with a t-shirt cannon, she proceeds to fire t-shirts into the backyard of the McMansion, landing all around the other women.

And now I want a t-shirt cannon. I could get into some trouble.

There is a lot of screaming when the t-shirts come raining down on the women in the backyard, but Model Chloie decides to Make it Werk, and slaps a t-shirt over her fancy dress and give her best Smize. I kinda love her?

Introductions out of the way, Grant enters the house and gives his big “Welcome to This Nonsense” speech: he’s here for love, he wants to be a husband and father, and he wants to know what love means to them.

With that, Selfies is the first to take Grant aside. There, she asks him if he likes her bob haircut, and when he says he does, she presents him with a bobbed wig of his own to take more selfies in. ENOUGH WITH THE SELFIES, MA’AM.

That woman who came out crying is given a video package where she shows off her rock collection. But that’s not what she talks about with Grant, instead opting to give him a completely unhinged PowerPoint presentation that envisons their wedding, and her pregnant, and their three babies …

Grant:

Christina Aguilera and Her Genie in a Bottle tells Grant that she was raised by a single mother, and never knew her biological father and I swear to God I wish these women would go to therapy instead of dating shows. Anyway, she gets the first kiss.

Our Front Runner Juliana plays the piano … adequately. Front Runner receives a video package that explains she’s Italian and from a big crazy family. So, she’s Italian. 

She also reveals that she was “cheated on a lot” and that it “broke” her and again, I’m begging you people:

It’s also OK to use a little powder on your forehead and cheeks.

They kiss, too, and Front Runner is calling it now: he’s her husband.

The Spanish-speaking chick Carolina starts crying while talking about her parents dying … one day. Her parents are not currently dying.

Salsa-bearing Kyleigh asks Grant if he’s a Texans fan or a Cowboys fan and 1. this man WHO LIVES IN HOUSTON picks The Cowboys …

… to which this woman replies, “OH THANK GOD.” 

And that brings me to 2. Ma’am, you are from North Carolina. You do not get a vote.

The Basketball Lady plays some basketball with Grant and just to guarantee that he will send her home that night, she makes an impressive shot.

As Grant is talking to Hand Model, another limo arrives with a mystery woman who proceeds to walk straight through the house without a word to the other women, making them FREAK OUT. They describe her as being beautiful and mysterious and confident and walking in “vagina first” which is just a hilarious thing to say, honestly.

The entire house, even though they have themselves only been there for maybe two hours:

But they needn’t worry, it’s just Grant’s sister, Tyler. Grant introduces her to the other women, and she explains that she’s there to size them up answer any questions about her brother they might have. Also, to show cute pictures of Grant when he was a baby.

A complete list of things we learn from Taylor, one of which we already knew: Grant had a long-term girlfriend off and on for some seven years; he needs someone to help him get organized. So insightful! Such help!

Grant returns to the business of talking to the women, where Miss Mormon asks him an important question: where does the car seat go in the Ferrari? Grant admits to also owning an Acura, before kissing her, too.

And then Jesse Palmer walks in with the First Impression Rose, and adds that this time whoever receives the First Impression Rose will also receive the first date, just to absolutely create chaos. It is successful.

Grant talks to Llama Drama who admits that even though she’s a speech therapist, she talks way too fast. She then shows Grant a series of flash cards with French phrases on them, and has them repeat them back to her: “Will you accept this rose?” and “I’m tired, do you want to finish this lesson with a kiss?” He obliges.

Miss Dominican Republic reveals that she doesn’t believe in love at first sight. Which is an interesting opening gambit, I admit.

Vegas Vicky comes in with champagne bottles lit up with sparklers and tells Grant that she’s set up a V.I.P. section for him.

Poor Wedding Cake walks in on Grant making out with T-Shirt Gun and instantly regrets it.

Worry Stone explains that she’s working on her doctorate in psychology and works with kids by doing breathing exercises with them. She then walks Grant through her breathing exercises which involves pretending to smell flowers and blow out birthday candles.

And Rose makes him mold some clay into giant wedding rings while blindfolded. It’s hardly a Ghost moment, but he does kiss her while she’s blindfolded.

With that, Grant collects the First Impression Rose and offers it to Llama Drama.

And then it’s time for the rest of the ladies to line up and await their fates:

Rose #1: Miss Mormon
Rose #2: Rose is a Rose
Rose #3: T-Shirt Gun
Rose #4: Someone Named Ella
Rose #5: Jersey Girl
Rose #6: Worry Stone Natalie
Rose #7: Front Runner
Rose #8: Vicky Vegas
Rose #9: Crying Girl Caroline
Rose #10: Miss Dominican Republic
Rose #11: Selfies
Rose #12: Hand Model
Rose #13: Model Chloie
Rose #14: Someone Named Rebekah
Rose #15: Big Head
Rose #16: Christina Aguilera
Rose #17: PowerPoint Girl

Which means the women who must go away now are: Wrinkled Dress; Crazy Dancer; Cowboys Fan; Wedding Cake; Someone Named Kelsey; Dr. Neicey; and Too Good at Basketball — LIKE I TOLD YOU.

I will say, on her way out, Cowboys Fan graciously notes that there are many truly special women remaining and that Grant is a very lucky guy. Which was a very classy way to exit.

That said, it doesn’t get her off the hook for being a Cowboys fan.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Grant:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

*Texas, I love you, but you’re bringing me down.

Exit mobile version