foolish watcher

‘The Bachelorette’: Failing to keep the main thing the main thing

Therese Odell
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The Bachelorette
August 12, 2024

We begin the episode with another bit of foreshadowing: Jenn, clearly in a rose ceremony dress, storms into the men’s hotel room looking for Breakfast Shots, radiating “I’M FUCKING FURIOUS.” When Breakfast Shots is nowhere to be found, she marches into a different hotel room … but we’re left hanging until the end of the episode to learn what the hell THAT was all about.

What we do know is that all of this is happening in Seattle as we are back in the States ahead of the dreaded hometowns. Before her first date, Jenn meets with Charity Lawson to discuss the remaining men and the difficult choices she has before hometowns:

At the hotel, the men are given the first date card, which comes with a gift this week: “Major Tom: Let’s find love in Emerald City. Love, Jenn.” And inside the gift box is a green varsity jacket. Certainly that will be explained at some point during the date, right?

Major Tom puts on the jacket and heads out to meet Jenn who is wearing all pink — which, like the jacket, is kinda important, or at least relevant to the date, not that they ever tell us that.

The two then are joined by Jesse Palmer who is wearing a green velvet jacket, and who explains their date is a “celebration” of the upcoming Universal picture, Wicked, in theaters this Thanksgiving … and which goes a very very very small way to explaining the green and pink themed clothes.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Jenn and Major Tom then meet up with two of her former Bachelor friends and rivals, Daisy and Kelsey, who explain that the two of them will walk down the “Yellow Brick Road” where they will find a series of “surprises.” At each stop, they’ll have to make a choice together because love is about “choices and compromises” or something.

Basically: there are a series of two boxes set up, labeled with opposite concepts: “Spicy” or “Sweet,” for instance, and they have to agree on one. Inside the boxes are said surprises: jalapeños, for instance, under “Spicy,” which they then have to eat. It’s very dumb, and involves the two of them doing dumb stunts in front of the dumb extras who are milling about around them, dumbly.

Eventually, they make their way to a giant wall of balloons being guarded by Charity, who hands them a “wand” with which to pop “Glenda’s bubbles” to remind them that “there’s no place like home.” Basically, they pop a couple of balloons. Inside one is a picture of Major Tom with his sister on the day he graduated basic training, and a video from his sister telling him how proud she is of him. Jenn pops a balloon which reveals a letter from her mother, lamenting that she did not give Jenn a “perfect” family, but telling her how much she loves her. Everyone cries.

They continue to follow the “Yellow Brick Road” and end up in front of the Proto-Bachelorette, Trista who blah blah blahs about how she found love “on the same road” and how love is scary and being vulnerable is scary. They are then led to a hot air balloon so as to “let love defy gravity” but love doesn’t defy the tethers that keep the hot air balloon from lifting off more than about 200 feet above the ground.

That evening, Jenn and Major Tom have “dinner” on the T-Mobile Park field and I’m kinda impressed that ABC didn’t have Zach Braff and Donald Faison waiting in the wings to send Jenn and Major Tom off to some sort of home internet system-themed challenge.

Over dinner, Major Tom opens up to Jenn about his horrifyingly heartbreaking childhood: his parents weren’t fit, and one day they left him and his sister at their daycare and never came back for them. Major Tom and his sister bounced from foster home to foster home, and the entire experience left him feeling like there was something wrong with him.*

Jenn assures him that there is nothing wrong with him, and that sharing his story doesn’t make him weak, it just shows what an incredible person he is. She then offers Major Tom the rose and the show manages to wedge in one final Wicked reference, urging them to “look to the Western skies” for some pink and green fireworks.

Back at the hotel, the men receive the group date card: “Golden Retriever; Cheeky Mummy; Breakfast Shots; Temu Pete Davidson; Beatboxer: I want a love that listens. Jenn.”

Overcompensating realizes that he has received the final one-on-one date, and Beatboxer pouts despite having a one-on-one THE WEEK BEFORE. Yeah, sorry, my dude, that’s not how this works.

As for the group date, Jenn is waiting for them at a radio show, “Love On-Air Seattle,” along with Jason and Molly Mesnick, where they intend to grill the men. Before the men arrive, Jason and Molly ask Jenn if there is one man who stands out, and she chooses Breakfast Shots, noting that she feels a strong physical connection but also sees a few red flags, mostly that “something’s missing.”

So they bring the men in to start playing word association games:

Golden Retriever says “me” when given the word “rose.”

Beatboxer says, “every day” when given the word “shower.”

Breakfast Shots says “aggressive” when given the words “fantasy suites.”

The men are then asked for three words to describe Jenn, and they say things like “spontaneous,” “witty,” “driven,” which delight Jenn. The hosts then turn to Breakfast Shots, and ask him how he feels about Jenn, and he vomits up a word salad about “passion” and “fire” and “ferocious love” and “reckless love,” but none of it means anything and certainly doesn’t say anything about Jenn specifically.

It’s so bad that Jason Mesnick asks everyone but Breakfast Shots to leave and watch the rest of this interview in an adjoining room; Jenn needs to get to know this dummy better.

Jenn opens by asking Breakfast Shots what his first impression of her was, and how it has changed through this process, and YOU GUYS: This man actually says TO JENN’S FACE, “I almost didn’t come here, but it was an opportunity to find my wife. When I got out of the limo, I was like ‘Okay, this girl is not my type.'”

HE GOES ON:

“Like this whole idea of the unknown right there. I thought the Bachelorette was going to be Daisy or Maria.”

Meanwhile, the other men are watching this unfold and can not believe their luck.

And his stupidity.

Breakfast Shots goes on — I think — to suggest that he did eventually find her attractive before yammering about his parents being married for 30 years which has nothing to do with anything.

Jenn asks him what it is about her that makes him feel like they could have a future together, and he is like, “Uhhh … ferocious love?” before spitting out that actually it’s her “selflessness.” Jenn wonders how he knows she’s selfless, and he replies that either she’s selfless or she’s “full of shit.”

Breakfast Shots then stumbles around, saying something about trusting the process, and how hot their connection was on night one, and how she kept him in a closet (???) and it gets to the point that the other men are like, “Does he know the definition of ‘selfless?'”

Jenn asks Breakfast Shots how he is sure he could be engaged to her, does he feel like he knows her? Breakfast Shots stares dumbly at Jenn for a beat before telling her that his love language is physical touch, before grabbing her head and kissing her.

That night at the cocktail party, Jenn opens by telling the men that while the day was fun, one conversation left her feeling “unsettled” and she needs to not make a mistake with her hometown choices.

In her conversation with Beatboxer, he tells her that he has great respect for her and how she’s carried herself throughout this journey. He goes on to tell her that he sees his future with her and that he’s falling in love with her. Jenn’s like, “Cool.”

Cheeky Mummy tells her that his feelings have “skyrocketed” for her. Jenn’s like, “Cool.”

Golden Retriever tells Jenn that theirs was the best date he’s ever been on, and that he feels seen by her. Jenn’s like, “Cool.”

Temu Pete Davidson tells her that he has no doubts about her and how she makes him feel and that he’s falling in love with her. Jenn’s like, “I’m falling for you, too.”

And then there’s Breakfast Shots. Jenn tells him that she doesn’t think he sees or understands her, despite their strong chemistry. Breakfast Shots is like, “Yeah, so I said you were selfless, because that’s what I need in a relationship …”

HOLD THAT THOUGHT FOR ONE SECOND, SIR. WHAT YOU NEED? YOU NEED A WOMAN WHO WILL BE SELFLESS FOR YOU? WHO WILL SACRIFICE HER OWN NEEDS AND WANTS FOR YOURS?

OK, go on …

He then says that he hasn’t had emotional support in other relationships and that he came into this wondering how he knows that she’s the one? He doesn’t know, he just has to trust the process.

Jenn’s like, “Right, you’re talking about yourself again, and not telling me: WHY ME?”

Breakfast Shots is like, “That’s a hard question … because … I love you?”

Jenn, to her credit, is like, “How on earth can you possibly be in love with me when you can’t express who I am to you?”

Breakfast Shots insists that they moved past all the small talk and moved straight into “ferocious love,” but Jenn’s like “Nah, that didn’t happen.”

With that, she returns to the other men and tells them there will be no group rose date tonight, go home.

As for the final date, it’s a “The Producers Have Run Out of Ideas Wander Around the City” date with Overcompensating. They go to the Farmer’s Market where Overcompensating makes Jenn a bouquet of flowers; they take photos in a photo booth; visit a palm reader; and, obviously, throw fish.

Oh, and Overcompensating also breakdances.

At dinner that night, Jenn and Overcompensating discuss family, and how he is looking for someone like his mother, who he describes as “nice to a fault.”

(Men: I am begging you, do not tell women that you are looking to date someone like your mother.)

Jenn and Overcompensating then have an open and honest conversation about ~GASP~ religion and culture. Overcompensating is Jewish, and his mother has “jokingly” urged him to marry a nice Jewish girl, even though the only two girlfriends he’s ever brought home have been Catholic. Overcompensating is like, “All kidding aside, though, our Judaism is very important to my family and while you don’t HAVE to convert, it would be cool if you could be open to it because of kids and everything.”

Jenn is like, “I’ve been to a Shabbat dinner. But also, I’m Buddhist and going to Temple on the holidays is not something I’m going to give up. Still, if you’re open to my faith, I can be open to yours!”

And while I feel really guilty for saying that I feel cynical that this could actually ever work out — both of these people are, for good reasons, very attached to their religious identities — I’m also pleased they are least having the conversation for a damn change.

Jenn offers Overcompensating the rose.

And then it’s Rose Ceremony Day, but first, Jenn has to put on her fancy dress and go drag Breakfast Shots for filth.

As seen in the beginning of the episode, Jenn goes looking for Breakfast Shots and eventually finds him alone, getting dressed for the Rose Ceremony. There, she asks him how he’s feeling and he admits to being “terrified.” He goes on to apologize for how the other night went, and adds that “the only way [he] could see it was to fall in love again.” Whatever the hell THAT means.

Jenn asks him what love means to him and he says a bunch of words: selfless, sacrifice, only person you see …

Jenn’s like, “Yeah, that’s nice but I don’t believe you.”

Breakfast Shots counters that putting his feelings into words is not his strong suit …

OH. YOU DON’T SAY.

He goes on to say that the words he can find downplay how much he loves, and he just knows if she comes to meet his family and friends, she’ll be able to see how strongly he loves.

But Jenn is like, “What does loving your friends and family have to do with me, though? What is it that you see in me?”

Breakfast Shots is all, “I dunno, your passion for love?”

This douche then goes on to say that he’s had opportunities with people with the same qualities as Jenn, but she keeps asking him about his feelings for her, and she is waiting for “answers with words.”

YES. YES, BREAKFAST SHOTS, THAT’S HOW WORDS WORK.

Breakfast Shots then begins to tell Jenn “his story”: he stepped out of the limo and her energy soothed his nerves, and then she said “ferocious love” and then after the stripping date, she “poured into [his] emotional part.”

Jenn, literally: “What the hell does that even mean?”

Breakfast Shots then gets to the one-on-one part of “his story” and Jenn interrupts him to ask what he learned about her on that date. His answer? “You yearn for a powerful love.”

Jenn’s like, “And?”

And this sentient hammer, he responds: “I love you?”

Jenn is so overwhelmed with this bullshit that she leaves and bitches to a producer for a while before returning to him and being like, “This is stupid, you’re stupid, and this is not going to work out, OK BYE.”

And on his way out, this talking hairdo, he has the audacity to say that “this is not [my] fault” before giving us one last “keep the main thing the main thing.”

With that, Jenn heads into the Rose Ceremony with NO FUCKS LEFT TO GIVE energy:

Rose #1: Temu Pete Davidson
Rose #2: Cheeky Mummy

Which means the men who must go away now are: Golden Retriever and Beatboxer. But it’s ok, because Beatboxer has been announced as the next Bachelor.

As for Golden Retriever, he calls his mother on camera and cries about being sent home and SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN A TICKET TO PARADISE ALREADY, those women will eat him alive.

*OK, this is grim: I had been seeing in various places online that Major Tom has a violent and deeply problematic past. Someone on Reddit put all of the allegations in one place, and the moderators there claim that they have confirmed that the women who have accused Major Tom did have some sort of relationship with him, but they can not confirm the allegations themselves. I don’t know what to do with this information, except to say that you should always approach internet rumors with skepticism.

That said, regardless if these stories are true or not, Major Tom needs to seek therapy and not reality TV clout.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Jenn:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Jenn:

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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