foolish watcher

‘The Bachelor’: Have your cake and throw it, too.

Therese Odell
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The Bachelor
January 28, 2024

Once again, taking all the wrong lessons from The Golden Bachelor, the episode begins with a bit of foreshadowing of the episode, as Joey talks to an infuriated Older Sister who seems REALLY PISSED OFF that a production assistant is bringing her a cake As Joey walks away, Older Sister shovels a Tina Fey-sized piece of cake into her mouth …

… before hurling the cake into the bushes because cakes aren’t safe on these shows.

There’s no context for this outburst, and we’re left enduring the next two hours waiting for Chekov’s cake.

The actual episode begins with Joey giving Jesse Palmer a free tennis lesson, and Jesse Palmer complimenting Joey on his communication skills. I mean, it’s a low bar, but sure.

Over at the McMansion, Jesse Palmer checks in on the women, and learns that the Sisters have dated the same man before.

The rest of the women:

They clarify that it wasn’t at the same time, but it doesn’t stop Jesse Palmer from quipping, “Sharing is caring.”

YOU’RE NOT MAKING IT BETTER, JESSE PALMER.

With that, Jesse Palmer explains that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one date this first real week of the proceedings, and leaves the first date card on the table:

“Lei Me; Giant Bra; Lizard Hands; Sporty Spice; Umpire’s Chair; Dancing Queen; Margaret McPoyle; Older Sister; Starla: Here comes [sic] the brides.”

The women on the date are sent to another room to pick out wedding dresses and then herded into a pair of limos with “ALMOST MARRIED!!” written on the back.

Once inside those limos and on their way, the women start on the champagne, and film themselves giving toasts to love and marriage.

Margaret McPoyle talks about how she can’t wait to get married in front of her family and friends, before pausing to add that she misses her father so much.

Older Sister, who is sitting right next to her, blanches, and begins to cry while also reassuring the other women that SHE’S FINE. However, in an interview, she reveals that her own father (and Younger Sister’s, by power of deduction) passed away recently and she’s just now realizing that he won’t be around to walk her down the aisle one day. Which is sad! But no reason to attack an innocent cake at some vague point in the future.

The women arrive at some resort where they meet a betuxed Joey who explains that they are going to “imagine we all got married — all nine of you and me [sic] all married.”

I mean, I understand we have actual sisters on this show, but this is taking it to a whole new level of nope.

The idea is they are going to their wedding reception where they will each have an individual opportunity to visit their guests with Joey. The woman who impresses Joey the most will win a romantic first dance with Joey sung by a special guest. AND SPOILER ALERT: YOU’VE ACTUALLY HEARD OF THIS PERSON.

But first, the women will play musical chairs to determine who will sit next to Joey at the “Sweetheart’s Table” (gag). When the music stops, Umpire’s Chair is on the opposite side of the very long table from one of the two chairs next to Joey, but instead of just taking the L, she launches herself OVER the table in an attempt to get to the chair.

She fails, but it is SPECTACULAR.

Spectacular.

The women then each take a turn doing reception stuff with Joey: visiting with the extras hired as guests; eating cake; taking pictures; kissing when the crowd clinks their glasses; other reception shit. While I grant you it has been a minute, I honestly don’t remember much from my own reception, it was all a blur; I can’t even imagine doing it NINE TIMES.

Well, eight. Because though there are nine women on this date, Older Sister just can’t bring herself to go through the motions, and instead cries to a very sympathetic Margaret McPoyle about her dead father.

Meanwhile, Joey’s glass-clinking kiss moment with Starla is interrupted by Giant Bra yelling, “TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO” like she’s at a 1920s vaudeville show. She also grumbles that she wants to rip Starla’s veil off, and, honestly, she’s doing way too much. I dislike Starla (who I should mention is doing a piss-poor imitation of Hannah Brown) as much as the next person, but Giant Bra needs to bring it down by five.

Joey also vibes with Lei Me, who is a natural while visiting with all the strangers at the reception, and clearly puts Joey at ease. She seals the deal when she makes a toast to his exes who had joined them: “Cheers to your past, and cheers to our future.”

Class act, this one.

And that, friends, is how Lei Me won the first dance to “When a Man Loves a Woman” performed by the one and only Michael Bolton.

No-talent ass clown, Michael Bolton.

At the cocktail party, Margaret McPoyle is the first to take Joey aside for a chat, where, 15 seconds into it, she excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. When she emerges from the bathroom, she is in this black lace bikini number that does not actually seem particularly more comfortable than what she was previously wearing:

Outfit #1:

Outfit #2:

 

Anyway, they start making out.

When Margaret McPoyle rejoins the other women in her lingerie, they are Not Amused, but are clearly trying to swallow their irritation.

As for Joey, he also chats with Starla who decides that it’s time to drop her big Sob Story: she was cheated on by a previous boyfriend. Now, this is a completely unremarkable story for any young woman in her 20s. Raise a hand if you WEREN’T cheated on in your late teens early 20s, amirite? But because she sniffles and flaps and huffs so much through this story, Joey spends most of the time telling her to “take a second,” and reassuring her that she’s “fine” and hoping that she “feels safe” around him.

And I don’t mean to diminish him for being emotionally available and kind — he’s great! Joey’s doing all the right things here! I am just not sure she warrants all the hand-holding for something that is essentially a right of passage for all young people in the dating scene SINCE FOREVER.

Joey also visits with Older Sister who explains why the day was so difficult for her, what with the whole dead dad thing. It’s only been seven months, Joey is very understanding and is sorry he didn’t do more to make her more comfortable in that situation.

But the rose goes to Starla because she was able to milk her sob story just a litttttttle bit more than Older Sister.

Back at the McMansion, the next date card is delivered: “Christmas Tree: I want a love that hits all the right notes. ♥Joey”

Christmas Tree becomes emotional at this news, and decides to share her cochlear implant story with the rest of the women, who are all like, “Well, how the fuck am I supposed to compete with THAT oh my God, thank you so much for sharing that with us.”

The next day, Christmas Tree puts on a cute sundress and reminds us once again that she has a cochlear implant and that if there are too many noises coming at her at once, it can be a challenge for her.

AND SO WHERE DOES SHE MEET UP WITH JOEY?

BUT THEN! IT SOMEHOW GETS WORSE!

BECAUSE THEY TAKE THE HELICOPTER TO A MUSIC FESTIVAL.

But Christmas Tree is a good sport, and the two of them get drinks and shop for merch, and she tells him about the non-profit she’s started for kids to help them see what makes them different is what makes them special because of course she’s started a non-profit for kids to help them see what makes them different is what makes them special, and then they go backstage while some group you’ve never heard of is performing and they are brought out on stage to dance and kiss and yeah, just a nightmare of a date all the way around for SOMEONE WITH HEARING LOSS.

That evening they go to “dinner” where Joey asks her about her non-profit, and that’s the opening she needs to tell him about her cochlear implant. She started having seizures when she was 11, and when she would become ill with common bugs, the cold or whathaveyou, she would end up becoming 10 times sicker than normal. She started losing her hearing when she was 17 and the illness became so bad she could barely walk a block. It turns out her ailments were caused by Lyme Disease, but they found an intensive treatment at a clinic in Germany that she went to for 30 days. She lost her hair, she lost weight, but at the end of it, she was better — except for her hearing. And so she got the cochlear implant.

Christmas Tree shows him the implant, and asks him if he noticed it, to which Joey replies, no, that he “was too busy looking into her eyes.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why this man is — and should be — the Bachelor.

Joey tells her that her story, and her positive attitude about her entire experience makes her inspiring, impressive, and interesting.

And so, obviously, he offers her the rose. Because if he didn’t, all of America would be ready to burn down his house.

OK BUT I’M STILL REAL MAD AT THE PRODUCERS THO.

The final group date of the week finds Voodoo Doll, Younger Sister, Lot of Balls, Year of Yes, Fall, Someone Named Marlena, Butterflies, Force Feeding, Ms. Science, and Go-Cart Girl out in the desert where Joey is shirtlessly flipping tractor tires.

But only for a minute: as the women arrive, he is allowed to reclothe himself to the women’s disappointment. He then introduces them to two “friends”: Jubilee and Demi from seasons 20 and 23, respectively. Dressed in quasi-militaristic fatigues, Jubilee and Demi are there to “train” the women “mentally, emotionally, and physically” in “Bachelor Boot Camp.” So they’re going to feed them alcohol until they have the tolerance of a 45-year-old longshoreman from Wisconsin while simultaneously abusing them with passive-aggressive comments about their age and weight and makeup, and screaming at them to cry on cue while recalling the trauma of being dumped by their boyfriend from sophomore year of high school? Because some of these women appear to have already been through this boot camp.

Instead, Jubilee and Demi make the women do jumping jacks and burpees which honestly have nothing to do with this show.

Then the women are split into teams for a game of paintball — sort of. They aren’t given paintball guns, but instead some paint-filled balloons. Each team has a plush heart that they are instructed to guard against the other team, whose mission is to steal it. Whoever gets the other team’s heart first, wins. There are no other rules. Best two out of three wins.

The Blue Team’s Force Feeding has decided that this is her event to win, and just goes sprinting head-long at the Pink Team’s heart, grabbing it and returning to her side before anyone had any idea what happened.

The Pink Team wins round two, but the Blue Team ultimately wins the third game and the whole shebang in large part thanks to Force Feeding’s protection of her team’s heart.

And that is when Jubilee and Demi break some surprising news: the Blue Team is to head back to the McMansion and get cleaned up, but only ONE of them will be spending time with Joey, instead of the entire team as is per usual in these competitions.

Back at the McMansion, everyone has hosed off and glammed up, and they learn that the woman spending time with Joey that night will be … Force Feeding. This news is met with crickets; crickets that Force Feeding clearly notices, responding: “Well, I’M happy.”

AND YOU SHOULD BE, MA’AM. YOU EARNED THAT.

Force Feeding goes over to Joey’s cottage where he feeds her instead. There, they talk about how much fun the day was — and how sore she’s going to be tomorrow, but that’s tomorrow’s problem.

Force Feeding then opens up about her struggle to be vulnerable, having grown up as the oldest daughter in an African household. Her family is from Liberia, and from a young age, she was expected to take care of the other children, to be a second mother. She explains that there is a lot of pressure on her to be a role model to the other children in her family, and as she begins to cry about working hard to make her family proud, Joey wipes her tears away.

Joey praises her for how hard she competed earlier in the day, demonstrating that she really wants to be here, and offers her the rose.

Back at the McMansion, there’s some weird tension brewing after Lots of Balls mentions that as the only 31-year-old, and the oldest woman in the house, she feels like the stakes are higher for her, that she has less time and more to lose.

However, Margaret McPoyle, who is 29, says in an interview, “What are you even talking about, there are a number of us who are older than him (Joey is 28), it’s nothing to feel weird about.”

At some point, Margaret McPoyle expresses these same sentiments to someone else (whose head is turned away from us, so who knows). Someone Named Sydney overhears her and thinks Margaret McPoyle is mocking her friend Lots of Balls, and talking shit about her. Which … she wasn’t … not exactly. There is an argument that Margaret McPoyle was being dismissive of Lots of Balls’ anxieties, anxieties that are completely understandable if you were in your 30s and everyone around you had just graduated from college six months ago. But she’s not talking shit.

The next day, Someone Named Sydney tattles to Lots of Balls about Margaret McPoyle talking noise about her, but as they go into the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, all Margaret McPoyle knows is that someone is talking about her. And she doesn’t like it.

IT’S A VERY DUMB NON-EXISTENT CONFLICT AND I’M SORRY IF THAT EXPLANATION WAS CONFUSING. BUT THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S A VERY DUMB NON-EXISTENT CONFLICT.

Finally, it is cocktail party time.

Sporty Spice takes Joey outside to explain that she has a Masters in fine art before showing him the portrait she made of him:

Voodoo Doll shows Joey her tattoo; Ms. Science corrects him on which sci-fi series uses the French Horn (it’s Star Trek, Joey, not Star Wars, you idiot); and Umpire’s Chair gives Joey a jean jacket that she embroidered for him and it’s a sweet gesture and I don’t want to be mean but …

While Lots of Balls is setting up a little picnic scene for Joey, Margaret McPoyle tries to talk to her about the whole “mocking her — but not really — for being old” thing, but Lots of Balls is like, “Yeah, I’m not having this conversation with you right now.”

Margaret McPoyle returns inside where it is revealed that Someone Named Sydney is the one stirring up this mess, and Margaret McPoyle is like, “I WASN’T AGE-SHAMING ANYONE. If anything, I want her to own it. She’s gorgeous; I mean, have you seen her?”

But seriously though:

Madina = Lots of Balls (ABC)

The two sides do not arrive at an agreement on whether or not Margaret McPoyle was age-shaming Lots of Balls, and Margaret declares it “The Dumbest Fight in Bachelor History.”

I’m not inclined to disagree.

And then there is the crisis with Older Sister. She regrets missing an opportunity to spend time with Joey during the wedding group date and has planned to try to recapture some of it by sharing a cake with him. However, as women come back in from having visited with Joey talking about how great he is and what a connection they’ve made, Older Sister gets more and more in her head until she decides that she’s going home.

And you know what, Older Sister? This is the right decision. Please go home and straight — AND I MEAN STRAIGHT — to a therapist’s office. Don’t even take your bags home, just go from the airport right to a therapist’s couch.

Younger Sister half-heartedly tries to convince Older Sister to stay, but Older Sister is like, “I hate it here and I want to go home.”

FAIR.

So as she’s doing an interview outside, Joey finds Older Sister and asks her to talk to him. She agrees, and immediately begins crying. Joey encourages her to take her time and breathe, and once she composes herself (kinda) she tells him she’s leaving. Joey’s like “Welp, I can see you’ve made your mind up, so I’m not going to try to convince you to stay! Sorry it wasn’t fun!”

And that’s when the cake — which is supposed to be red velvet — is delivered by the P.A. Except … it’s not red velvet, and Older Sister, who is already on the verge of exploding, becomes blind with rage. Joey, sensing that he could be in danger, says his goodbyes, and Older Sister tells him she’ll see him at the Hometowns.

Which is where we began the episode: with Older Sister Tina Feying the cake before hurling it into the bushes.

R.I.P. Cake.

With that, it’s time to start handing out some roses:

Rose #1: Lei Me
Rose #2: Sporty Spice
Rose #3: Voodoo Doll
Rose #4: Lizard Hand
Rose #5: Go-Kart Girl
Rose #6: Umpire’s Chair
Rose #7: Fall
Rose #8: Lots of Balls
Rose #9: Frodo
Rose #10: Ms. Science
Rose #11: Year of Yes
Rose #12: Margaret McPoyle
Rose #13: Butterflies
Rose #14: Younger Sister
Rose #15: Someone Named Sydney

Which means the women who must go away now are: Someone Named Marlena (which is hardly a surprise as she didn’t have enough screen time to warrant a nickname) and two surprises: Dancing Queen and Giant Bra.

Dancing Queen was given a long-haul edit in that first episode; and as for Giant Bra, they were clearly setting up a several-episode arc where she and Starla would be nemeses. Did Joey clear this elimination with the Producers? Because it feels like he should have talked to them about their narrative before sending Giant Bra home.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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