foolish watcher

‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Happily Never After

Therese Odell
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Bachelor in Paradise
December 7, 2023

It’s the final week in Paradise and everyone admits, the vibe on the beach is GRIM. Five people just went home: Bachelorette Rachel, Dangly Earrings, Home Video, Boardwalk Carny, and Grizzly Adams, and the folks left on the beach suddenly realize that their little beach vacation is coming to an end and that people might be expecting them to start taking these relationships seriously or something.

Glitter Bomb and Henry the Pigs’ Mom are the most discombobulated having seen the dudes they had been hanging out on the beach with this entire time self-eliminate rather than hang out with them a minute longer. While they gave their roses to Towelie and Mario Andretti respectively, a week is not enough time to develop a flirtation, much less a serious relationship.

But some strong couples have emerged from the tequila-soaked beach this year: namely A-A-RON and German Sausage and, improbably, Julia Roberts and Deep Dive. The latter couple receives a date card: “Love is about finding balance.” They happily flee Paradise.

Julia Roberts and Deep Dive go to the beach where they do some paddleboarding, which Deep Dive is not that great at despite the ocean being “his office” according to Julia Roberts. After, they share a bottle of obligatory champagne and talk. Deep Dive tells Julia Roberts that the thing he likes best about her is how caring and supportive of the other women she is.

According to Deep Dive, Julia Roberts is the first to care for the other people in Paradise.

Julia Roberts is relieved that he sees this part of her because most people do not.

YEAH, NO SHIT.

She then goes on to talk about her difficult childhood: Dad married four times, she moved out at 17 and lived in a group home, didn’t speak to her family for a while. Most people in her life don’t know this about her (until now, I guess) because she doesn’t want to be judged based on where she came from.

For his part, Deep Dive admits that he has had serious depressive episodes that he struggles with to this day. But, Deep Dive believes, she is the person who can help him with his issues. Which, great! But I hope there’s also a professional on his team, and maybe some pharmaceuticals, that can also help him out in his darkest moments.

Anyway, they decide they are falling for one another and the only question left is: to engage or not engage?

Back in Paradise, Glitter Bomb and Towelie try to have a conversation about family and whatnot, but Coco the Frenchie and his censored balls steal the show:

Soon another date card arrives for A-A-RON and German Sausage. They receive the shaman date that this show does every season, where they are forced to strip down, go into a sweat yurt, and talk about their fears. A-A-RON is afraid of choosing someone who does not love him back; and German Sausage prays for commitment and everlasting love.

Outside of the sweat lodge, A-A-RON tells German Sausage that he is falling in love with her more every day and that he can see himself proposing to her, and German Sausage, for her part, finally admits that she is falling in love with him, too.

Back in Paradise, Julia Roberts is basking in the glow of the state of her relationship with Deep Dive. When she excitedly bounces over to tell Glitter Bomb all about it, Glitter Bomb is like, “NOPE. DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. CAN’T TAKE IT RIGHT NOW,” and storms away. 

Glitter Bomb has finally had enough. She gathers Towelie for a chat, where she is like, “Listen, you’re nice, I tried, it’s not happening, and I’m going home.”

And with that, we say goodbye to Glitter Bomb and Towelie, because, let’s be honest, that was never going to happen.

Glitter Bomb and Towelie’s departure not only puts everyone in a dour mood, it also makes Bullhorn, for one, realize that she and Junior are due a very serious conversation about where their relationship is going. Is he going to propose or what?

When confronted with the INEVITABLE QUESTION THAT ALWAYS LAYS IN WAIT AT THE END OF THIS SHOW AND ON EVERY OTHER ITERATION OF THE BACHELOR UNIVERSE: TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY? this asshole, Junior, is like, “Why does it have to be about an engagement? Why can’t you just trust me? Why can’t we imagine a future without a proposal?”

Bullhorn counters, “But why can’t you imagine a future WITH a proposal?” Bullhorn points out that his reluctance to talk about an engagement suggests that he is unsure about their relationship, but he insists she’s reading him wrong.

NOW LISTEN. In any other situation, I would agree with Junior here, and argue that it is functionally insane for a couple to get engaged after only knowing one another for five weeks (three weeks? how many weeks have they been there?). THEY JUST MET FIVE (THREE?) WEEKS AGO.

But here’s the thing: everyone goes on this show knowing full well that it is about getting “engaged” at the end, just like it is on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. So 1. the woman with whom you have spent all your time asking you whether or not there is a proposal at the end of this is not being unreasonable and 2. NO ONE ACTUALLY EXPECTS YOU TO GET MARRIED. I’VE BEEN RECAPPING THIS NONSENSE FOR OVER A DECADE. TRUST ME. This show, just like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, is just engagement theater; you can break up off-screen as soon as you leave Mexico; it’s not just fine, it’s a storied tradition.

In any event, they do not come to an agreement: Bullhorn is furious and sobbing, and Junior stomps off in frustration.

The next day, who should arrive in Paradise but Pageant Reina and Old Naked Guy from season seven, also known as the last season I subjected myself to this nonsense. Not only are they still together, but they are going to get married right there and then, and hopefully inspire some of these jackasses.

Because who doesn’t dream of getting married without any friends or family in attendance but instead exchange vows in front of twelve total strangers and the resort kitchen staff?

Oh, and Grizzly Adams is brought back to serve as best man much to Bullhorn’s inexplicable delight, whereas All-4-Wells serves as Pageant Reina’s maid of honor because this is a very real wedding that we must take very seriously.

The men — well, Junior — sitting through this wedding:

Anyway, they get “married” and all the Paradisers talk about what this means for their own relationships.

To celebrate this fake wedding, the show throws a fake rave that night, which mostly means the Paradisers wear mesh shirts and light-up glasses. Having been an actual teen in the 90s and having been to actual warehouse raves in Los Angeles …

At the “rave” Pilot Peter, Jr. tells Canada Sam that in two years this could be their wedding.

Canada Sam:

Elsewhere, Deep Dive marvels at how sexy Julia Roberts is when she dances.

At some point, Bullhorn chats with her surprise BFF Grizzly Adams …

There, she tells him that Junior has no intention of proposing to her and she feels very dumb. Usually, Bullhorn tells Grizzly, she would just go along with whatever Junior wanted, but she doesn’t know what to do here. Grizzly Adams tells her to see it through and stick to her guns, otherwise she’ll regret her time here.

Elsewhere, Junior talks over the situation with the newly “married” couple, explaining that he wants things to be perfect before he proposes. Old Naked Guy is like, “That’s dumb and you’re going to miss out on something great if you insist on everything being perfect.” 

Junior pouts again about how nothing else seems to matter to anyone around here but an engagement.

MY DUDE, YOU ARE THE ONE PUTTING YOURSELF ON THE ENGAGEMENT SHOWS.

So, Junior and Bullhorn sit down for another talk where Junior tells her that he’s falling in love with her, he wants to start a life with her outside of Paradise, that he wants to leave with her … but not as an engaged couple. Bullhorn tells him that she’s falling in love with him, too, but that she needs the confirmation and security that an engagement offers. Junior is all “WHY DO WE HAVE TO PUT A LABEL ON IT? WHY WON’T YOU SACRIFICE FOR US?” To which she asks why he can’t sacrifice for them, either. Again, she ends up in tears.

Henry the Pig’s Mom retrieves her friend. There, Bullhorn tells Henry the Pig’s Mom that the good news is that Junior says that he’s falling in love with her. The bad news is that he has no intention of proposing to her and he never did. So now what?

The next morning, Henry the Pig’s Mom has decided that she’s had enough, thanks, and after a short conversation with Mario Andretti, she puts herself in the Vete a Casa Ahora Furgoneta, with Mario Andretti not far behind.

And that’s when Jesse Palmer returns and herds the remaining couples into the Breakup Palapa. It is Serious Business Time, kids. They need to really think about whether or not they want to promise to get married to the person they found themselves with after this five (three?)-week game of romantic musical chairs. If so, they get to go on a Fantasy Suite date in a hotel with potable water. If not, it’s time to say goodbye. So go have those conversations, and we’ll see who shakes out in the end.

A-A-RON and German Sausage agree that they want to go to the Fantasy Suites first.

And then Junior takes Bullhorn aside for a talk. He tells her that he is confident in their relationship, and he knows how important the engagement piece is to her, but that he’s not there yet, and he just wants her to give them a shot outside of Paradise — without a ring.

Bullhorn is more patient with this man than I would have been — BECAUSE IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD — and tells him that this is all very embarrassing to her: she’s here telling him that he’s the one, but he can’t give that back to her. AND THEN, SHE PULLS OUT THE BIG GUNS, and points out that he was willing to go to Fantasy Suites with Bachelorette Rachel and to propose to her back in the day — so why can’t he get there with her?

Junior demands to know why she’s dragging Bachelorette Rachel into all this, but come on, man.

Again, Bullhorn points out that she is so sure about him, she just feels like he’s not sure about her. Junior insists that he IS sure of her, that’s why he is planning a life outside of Paradise with her. It’s frustrating to him, Junior adds, that the only thing that matters to her is an engagement. He pushes her to trust in them, in him, and she starts to break, saying that she doesn’t want to lose him.

… and that she can see herself walking away from Paradise with him.

And with that, she chooses the single worst decision possible: they leave Paradise together.


 

As for the other couples:

Deep Dive and Julia Roberts immediately agree to go to the Fantasy Suites.

Pilot Peter, Jr. tries to suggest to Canada Sam that they go to the Fantasy Suites, but she’s like, “Nah.”

And Big Toe and Cap’n Chicago decide that they are in different places in their lives and this isn’t going to work out.

Adios, Big Toe. You, Mama, were the true hero of Paradise.

And with that, we are left with two couples: Deep Dive and Julia Roberts:

Deep Dive = John Henry (ABC/Ricky Middlesworth)
“Julia Roberts” = Kat (Zach’s season)

And A-A-RON and German Sausage:

“A-A-RON” = Aaron (Charity’s season)
“German Sausage” = Eliza (Clayton’s season)

And we’re off to the most boring part of any season of Bachelor in Paradise.

Deep Dive and Julia Roberts head to the resort, admire their suite, and then do the business.

Elsewhere in the hotel, A-A-RON and German Sausage admire their suite, tell each other that they are in love with one another, and then do the business.

The next morning, German Sausage and A-A-RON are back on the beach, headed to the Proposal Platform. There, A-A-RON talks about their relationship and reveals that he called her mother and talked to her for a good fifteen minutes. He then kneels and proposes. She accepts, yay.

And then it’s Deep Dive and Julia Roberts’ turn. Julia Roberts starts by telling him that she can’t believe how easy it’s been with him and that she’s fully, 100% in love.

As for Deep Dive, he tells her that he’s always listened to his gut and his gut is telling him it’s too soon to get engaged and adds that he has a lot of doubts …

But he’s going to follow his heart. He plops down on one knee and proposes. She accepts, yay (?).

We then end with a “Where Are They Now?” montage, revealing that Bullhorn and Junior have “blossomed as a couple.”

EXCEPT:

Who could have possibly predicted this turn of events except, possibly, for Junior’s subconscious?

The other items to note in the “Where Are They Now?” montage: Dangly Earrings and Firebug apparently nearly died together when a boat they were in sank? WHO LET THESE TWO DUMMIES GO OUT IN A BOAT TOGETHER WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION?

Also? Dangly Earrings is now dating Christina Mandrell from Zach’s season of The Bachelor? How what how?

As for our happily engaged couples:

Deep Dive and Julia Roberts broke up a week ago.

And A-A-RON and German Sausage broke up four days after the episode aired.

And in conclusion:

Alright you monsters, enjoy your holidays before Joe’s season of The Bachelor starts up in a month.

I, for one, will be asking Santa for a large supply of box wine.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays on ABC at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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