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‘The Bachelorette’: Crescent City Disconnection

Therese Odell
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The Bachelorette
July 24, 2023

To save money so they can send the “Golden Bachelor” to Boca Raton and The Villages later this fall, this season of The Bachelorette is forgoing a European leg altogether, instead sending the last group before the Dreaded Hometowns to New Orleans for the week. Not that I have anything against New Orleans — in fact, I was there when this episode aired. It’s a perfectly telegenic location for a show like this: romantic and boisterous and a little bit spooky.

But it ain’t Europe.

The final six men apparently arrive in the city by steamboat and head directly to the world-famous Cafe du Monde Cafe Beignet where they … drink orange juice. Not a single beignet in sight.

Charity soon joins them for a glass of juice herself and DID THEY NOT HAVE BEIGNET MONEY IN THE BUDGET? I get they are messy, but that’s the fun of it, JESUS.

Charity is followed by a horse-drawn carriage, and she invites Tennis Boy to join her for the first one-on-one date of the week, to A-A-RON’s great disappointment, as he’s a native to New Orleans and wanted to show her around his hometown. He proceeds to pout about this for the entirety of the episode.

Charity and Tennis Boy ride around the French Quarter, get their tarot cards read, dance to “When the Saints Go Marching In,” and have a poem (“poem”) written for them there on the spot by some faux-hipster dude with a typewriter in Jackson Square.

 

That night, they meet at some sort of empty event space in the Quarter where they discuss the upcoming Dreaded Hometowns, and how his family will react to him bringing her home. He assures her that while his family is protective of him, they will be accepting. Charity is like, “Yeah, I get that, but I guess I have to be explicit: how do they — and you — feel about interracial relationships?” Tennis Boy insists that even though he’s never dated a Black woman before, it’s no big deal and his family will be cool.

Hope so! And I hope this is just the show addressing real-life racial issues and not foreshadowing whatever happens next!

It’s enough for Charity and she offers him the date rose and the first invitation to the Dreaded Hometowns. In return, Tennis Boy tells him that he’s falling in love with her, and Charity, bless her heart, is deeply moved that someone told her that they were falling for her just because they wanted to say it.

Back at the hotel, the five remaining men are in full-on freakout mode, especially Big Check and Towelie, the only two who have not received a one-on-one date. So it is especially hilarious when the date card arrives:

“Big Check and Towelie: It’s time to get clarity. Meet me in the bayou. Love, Charity.”

They are so UPSET and so CONFUSED and Big Check has a big ol’ stomp about it.

The next day, Towelie and Big Check take a stretch limousine out to LaPlace — which in and of itself is hilarious — where they meet Charity for a swamp tour led by a very Cajun gentleman. And I’m not going to make a joke about Thibodeaux or Boudreaux, but I’m thinking it REAL LOUD.

They look at alligators for a while and Charity and Big Check get their flirt on before heading back to shore to eat approximately two crawfish each.

I am EMBARRASSED at how few crawfish these three have eaten. EMBARRASSED. BOUDREAUX: I APOLOGIZE TO YOU ON THE SHOW’S BEHALF.

That night, the trio goes to an event space on St. Charles Ave. for a private dinner, and Towelie is feeling like he’s trailing Big Check in this particular competition. And, I don’t know, Towelie, but maybe try putting on a tie or at least tucking in your shirt and making a minimal fucking effort if you’re so worried?

Charity takes each man aside for a private conversation about the Dreaded Hometowns. Big Check tells her that because they have had so little one-on-one time, he really wants the opportunity to take her home to meet his family. Makes sense!

When it’s Towelie’s turn, he admits that he’s had his guard up this entire time. Towelie reveals that he was in a relationship for three years, when he and his girlfriend had one argument and she flew off to Florida and never came back.

And forgive me for being cynical, but I would LOVE to hear her side of this story. Girl, if you’re out there, I’m begging you to attend the Men Tell All Special, please and thank you.

Anyway, he knows that he has put walls up, but he is ready to bring them down for Charity. Charity, who has been through her own relationship bullshit, understands and empathizes.

And as such, even though it appears Big Check has this one in the bag, Charity opts to not give out the rose at all that night.

Towelie is relieved; Big Check is completely baffled. “HOW CAN SHE BE SO UNSURE WHEN I AM SO SURE?” he pouts.

At the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Tall Dotun: My heart’s racing for you. Meet me at sunrise. Charity.”

A-A-RON:

The next morning, Tall Dotun joins Charity at the start of the Crescent City Classic, which, despite the two of them insisting on calling it a “marathon” is actually a 10k through downtown New Orleans up into City Park. And like every single event in New Orleans, the participants of this 10k tend to dress up in quirky costumes and imbibe copious amounts of beer.

And that’s what Charity and Tall Dotun do: they wear Mardi Gras-colored tutus, drink beer with some participants and enjoy some Drago’s charbroiled oysters. (So good. Highly recommend.)

That evening, they head across the river to Algiers Point to yet another event space where Charity brings up the Dreaded Hometown conversation again. Tall Dotun tells Charity that he’s excited for her to meet his family, but admits that it’s “scary as hell.” He then talks about his fear of failure for a while, and how he’s learning to accept receiving good things without overthinking it. He adds that he’s falling in love with Charity and as Charity describes it, her “whole face and body just lit up,” and she “truly feel like [she’s] been electrocuted.”

Just give him the final rose already, damn.

Instead, she gives him the date rose and plans on meeting his family.

At the hotel, the final date card is delivered and everyone is disappointed: “A-A-RON, Almost-Dr. X, Towelie, and Big Check: Next stop: The Dreaded Hometowns. Charity.”

The men fume over being subjected to one final group date and the fact that Tall Dotun had two consecutive one-on-one dates when some of them didn’t have a one-on-one at all. And by “the men” I mean Big Check:

Enter Tall Dotun, barely fitting through the damn door, he’s so tall:

Tall Dotun explains that they did some run that is held every year, and A-A-RON interrupts him, “YEAH, IT’S THE CRESCENT CITY CLASSIC.”

Big Check fucking snaps, and decides that his best option is to march to Charity’s room and confront her about the fact that he never received a one-on-one and she’s out here giving some guys who do not look like a living Ken doll TWO one-on-one dates. WHAT GIVES? HAVE YOU SEEN HIS BLOND HAIR? HE’S SO BLOND! IN THE HISTORY OF HIS BLONDNESS, NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN LESS INTO HIM THAN HE IS INTO THEM, AND HE’S JUST VERY CONFUSED RIGHT NOW.

Charity, to her immense credit, is like, “Let’s just go ahead and rip off this Band-Aid already: I don’t know you well enough to meet your parents. You’re going home, blondie.”

And with that, Charity walks him out to the You Go Home Now And Take Your Cashmere Scarf With You Van.

He cries.

The next morning, the three remaining men — Almost-Dr. X, Towelie, and A-A-RON — hop on the streetcar and head down to Uptown (I know that phrase doesn’t make sense to those of you unfamiliar with New Orleans, but trust me) where they meet Charity for their final date.

Charity first visits with A-A-RON, who is still pretty chapped that he didn’t receive a one-on-one in his hometown, and who tells Charity that this has been the hardest week for him so far, to watch the other men get time with her when he did not. That said, A-A-RON insists that his frustration with this week has no impact on his wanting her to meet his family.

Charity also has a conversation with Towelie, who is like, “Yeah, you know, now that I’m thinking about it, it WOULD be weird for our first one-on-one to be you meeting my parents.”

I know I use this gif too much, but come on …

And that should make it easy for Charity to figure out who to eliminate, except that Almost-Dr. X is out here telling her that he’s not sure he can see himself marrying her. He tries to save it by saying that he could see himself maybe falling in love with her … maybe … eventually … maybe … but who can really say, you know?

Charity:

Conversations done, Charity offers one date rose to A-A-RON, who, after spending the past two hours whinging about not being able to show her around his hometown New Orleans, announces he’s taking her to Houston.

As for the other rose, that’s going to have to wait for a Rose Ceremony that night. MAYBE Y’ALL SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT HARDER ABOUT YOUR ANSWERS TO CHARITY’S QUESTIONS. OR BEING ON THE SHOW AT ALL.

So they go back to their hotel and get dressed for the Rose Ceremony, and I am BEGGING this man to tuck in his goddamned shirt and put on a tie.

He does not, however, and to be fair to him, Charity doesn’t bother to get dressed in anything better than her big comfy sweater and jeans when she wanders over to his room to explain that she didn’t want to put him through the rigamarole of a Rose Ceremony: his ass is going home.

But points in Towelie’s favor, instead of getting into the Go Straight To Louis Armstrong International Airport van, he heads to Bourbon Street, where I hope he enjoyed a hand grenade or five.

Charity then heads in her big comfy sweater and jeans over to Almost-Dr. X’s room for what appears to be another dumping — especially after his seeming ambivalence about their relationship — but, instead, in a big completely predictable switcharoo, she offers him the final rose of the week. As she tells Almost-Dr. X, she doesn’t HAVE to give anyone the rose, but come on. This show follows a certain pattern and the producers wouldn’t know what to do with only three Dreaded Hometowns. Almost-Dr. X was always receiving that rose, whether he wanted it or not. (And let’s be clear, he did not.)

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Charity:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Charity:

 The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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