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‘The Bachelorette’: Not a lot of collective intelligence

Therese Odell
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The Bachelorette
August 5, 2024

Last we left this mess, Jenn had been surprised when some dude she dated THREE YEARS AGO for THREE WHOLE MONTHS showed up, declared his love and intention to be engaged to her, and asked to be included in this shitshow. Jenn was all, “Ummm … lemme think about it.”

And now it’s Rose Ceremony time. The men of the actual cast are very excited for a Drama-Free Night for a goddamned change, but the producers are like, “LOL, NO.”

Jenn arrives and immediately deflates the room with the news that her (Barely)Ex-Boyfriend has shown up and wants to “join this journey.” With that, she tells the men she needs to go outside and talk with (Barely)Ex-Boyfriend, and she’ll be right back.

The men handle this news with empathy, clear heads, trust, and a deep understanding that this is about Jenn’s search for love and that she might have some unresolved issues to work through.

Hahaha, just kidding, they pretty much all freak out: Major Tom worries about the ex having an unfair advantage; Temu Pete Davidson announces that he will quit the show if (Barely)Ex-Boyfriend is allowed to join; and Mullet declares the entire situation to be “wack” about 17 times. The only reasonable one of the bunch is Beatbox who tries to remind everyone that this is Jenn’s decision to make, and they need to trust her to make the right decision for herself. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL SEASON, SIR?

Meanwhile, Jenn intercepts (Barely)Ex-Boyfriend out on the driveway, where she leads with telling him how appreciative she is of everything he’s done (and making it clear that his ass is about to be put on a very long flight back to Massachusetts). She asks (Barely)Ex-Boyfriend why now, and he explains that he knows she’s leaving this experience engaged, so it was now or never. He argues that they are different people now, more mature, their bond could be even stronger, and he’s not ready to let it go.

BUT THAT’S TOO BAD, because the next thing you know, (Barely)Ex-Boyfriend is walking into the cocktail party to announce that Jenn is sending his ass home. He adds that Jenn told him that she feels like her future is in this room, and they have something to offer that he can’t. He also apologizes for causing any issues.

And to this guy’s credit, it takes a lot to not just anonymously slink off in shame. But it’s still not enough for Breakfast Shots who puffs up his chest and is all, “YEAH, WELL, WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU. AND YOU SHOULD STAY IN THE PAST.”

Jenn joins the men, and explains that the day has been a rollercoaster: (Barely)Ex-Boyfriend told her he was in love with her, which no one has ever said to her before. Jenn goes on to tell them that (Barely)Ex-Boyfriend was saying all the right things, they were just from the wrong person. She knows her husband is in this room.

And with that, she cancels the cocktail party. Go line up, dorks.

Rose #1: Beatboxer
Rose #2: Overcompensating
Rose #3: Cheeky Mummy
Rose #4: Golden Retriever
Rose #5: Dr. Stethoscope
Rose #6: Mullet

Which means the men who must go away now are: Win-Nguyen and Dr. Pedestal. I don’t have feelings one way or another about Dr. Pedestal, he was barely allowed to speak all season. But I think we all can agree that things will be a lot less argumentative and stupid with Win-Nguyen no longer trying to start shit for no good reason.

And now we are officially at the point where men start LOSING THEIR MINDS if they don’t receive a one-on-one date.

The first date card of the week arrives: “Cheeky Mummy: Time for our love to take flight. Love, Jenn.”

Mullet, who has received neither a one-on-one, nor even a group date rose, has a strong pout.

Jenn meets Cheeky at a helicopter and turns out he has as much of a fear of heights (specifically, helicopters which he hates) as Jenn does. But they survive the flight and arrive at Waiheke Island, where they are given run of a gorgeous vineyard. They play hide and seek and throw grapes at each other’s faces, and at some point, the poor, battle-weary hot tub is dragged out.

All the while, these two are both saying in interviews that while they have a good time together, they aren’t sure that they have a serious emotional connection.

Just as a casual observer, Jenn seems to be having a stronger emotional connection and lot more fun with Cheeky Mummy than she ever does with Breakfast Shots and with the extra bonus of no face-humping. But what do I know?

That night at dinner, Cheeky Mummy decides it’s his turn to trauma dump and tells Jenn about his ex-girlfriend, with whom he lived for two years, and who he thought he had a future with. But then, according to Cheeky Mummy, Ex-Girlfriend was going through a hard time and began abusing alcohol to cover up her pain. When he expressed his concern — again, according to him — she said he was being “abusive, controlling and manipulative.” She then “snapped” and told him to “get the fuck out,” that she “didn’t want to see him again,” and it tore him down and destroyed his previously innocent, romantic heart.

And here’s the thing: I like this kid. He has good energy, he’s not gross with Jenn, he seems like a nice guy.

But I would like to hear Ex-Girlfriend’s side of this story. I feel like there’s more to this, or, worse, there’s nothing to this story. The difficult thing is, it seems like these shows have come to the point where contestants feel like they need to have a traumatic back story to share with the lead once they have their one-on-one moment. But not every breakup is a trauma. Not every relationship ending is the end of the world. 

BUT WHATEVER. Jenn sees her own previous toxic relationship in this, somehow, and yammers about being afraid to “emote” out of a fear of showing weakness, and offers him the date rose.

They then kiss in a fake rainstorm for some dumb reason.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Temu Pete Davidson; Breakfast Shots; Major Tom; Golden Retriever; Overcompensating; Dr. Stethoscope; Mullet: Love is messy. Jenn.”

Which means Beatboxer receives the last one-on-one of the week leaving Mullet to quietly whisper to himself, “This is wack.”

Jenn meets the men in a field AND I AM SORRY, BUT WHAT ON EARTH ARE THESE MEN WEARING?

We need to dissect this:

So clearly these men were offered flannel shirts to get into the farm vibe. And I assume they were also offered a pair of scissors, you know, just in case they wanted to make the look their own, make it “sexy.”

Dr. Stethoscope, Major Tom, Temu Pete Davidson, and — somehow — Breakfast Shots appear to have been able to resist the urge to Magic Mike their shirts. But for Mullet, Golden Retriever, and Overcompensating, they were called to the scissors like a siren’s song.

But the person I really need a close-up of is Overcompensating.

ENHANCE:

True to his nickname, this man decided that cutting the sleeves off of the flannel wasn’t nearly slutty enough, he needed to go FULL CROP TOP. Having realized he’s made a terrible mistake, he then shows up to the date wearing a tank top underneath his new flannel vest, and spends the entirety of the date holding said vest together, hoping no one will notice.

Oh, we noticed.

Alright, I am going to do my best to move on from the shirts … but it’s going to be real hard.

Jenn greets the men with the release of 300 sheep, while explaining that their challenge today is to impress sheep farmers, Richard and Diana, with their farming skillz. The man who farmers the best wins extra time with Jenn.

Challenge #1: The men are tasked with herding said 300 sheep into a gate, which Farmer Richard points out to the men.

And the men, to their semi-credit, come up with a plan to work together to surround the sheep and direct them into said gate.

Except.

EXCEPT NO ONE OPENS THE GATE.

At some point, the producers and Farmer Richard call it a day, and bring the men over so that Farmer Richard can tell them that there is “not a lot of collective intelligence” amongst them and I don’t know that I have ever identified with anyone on this show more?

BRING FARMER RICHARD ON EVERY EPISODE TO JUDGE THESE DINGALINGS.

Challenge #2: Muck out some form of animal shit. Jenn says in an interview that she is looking for the men to “make moments” with her when they can, but I suppose this isn’t shared with the guys. Because when Temu Pete Davidson takes the opportunity to pull Jenn (and himself) away from slopping manure just to make chichat, the other men GET SO MAD THEY NEARLY BURST OUT OF THEIR CROP TOPS.

Challenge #3: Trim dingleberries out of the sheep’s assholes.

And when all is said and done, all the muck slopped, all the dingles berried, Farmers Richard and Diana (and Jenn) declare Temu Pete Davidson the winner. The other men are outraged: HE WASN’T THE BEST PRETEND FARMER! HE BARELY FARMED!

And I am here to remind all of them that NONE OF THEM OPENED THE SHEEP GATE, so maybe they can all settle down a little bit about everyone’s farming skills.

At the cocktail party, Jenn chats with Overcompensating who has fortunately returned to a proper shirt. He keeps patting her head until Jenn asks why he’s petting her, which GOOD FOR YOU, JENNIFER. She also asks him if he was a frat bro, and he’s like, “Look at me, dude, what do you think?” He then returns to petting her hair.

Meanwhile, Mullet has been spinning out of control, still furious that his mullet didn’t give him at least a SLIGHT advantage in this whole farmer contest. If growing out a mullet isn’t demonstrating a commitment to the bit, WHAT MORE CAN HE DO?

Mullet takes Jenn aside and explains that he feels like he’s falling behind and that it is getting too late for him to catch up to the other guys. Jenn is SHOCKED! as he tells her that he doesn’t think that it’s fair to her or the other men or his ego if he were to continue this journey not receive a rose this week.

Jenn walks him out to the I Guess I’ll Go Home Now van, gives him a hug and sends him back to the farm.

But Jenn is reeling from this development, completely stunned and hurt that someone with whom she had no connection, with whom she had never taken on a date, with whom she had never even given a group date rose could read the writing on the wall and self-eliminate so as to not waste his or anyone else’s time. Was this a petulant move on his part? I mean, a little, I guess. But if you know it ain’t gonna happen — and we all knew it wasn’t gonna happen — why stick around just to stare at the inside of foreign hotel rooms?

Instead of being realistic about all of this, Jenn spirals into a pit of self-doubt and insecurity, worrying that she’s not good enough for these men.

And maybe, just maybe, instead of going on a dating show, Jenn and every other single person on this and every other season, should seek out therapy and work on their own issues lingering from their childhoods which are preventing them from making healthy, long-lasting relationships with stable people.

Instead, she goes inside, tells the other men that Mullet just left of his own volition, tells them that it makes her feel like she’s not good enough, and that she’s worried that she could end up alone when all is said and done.

THERAPY, MOMMA.

Rather than choose the healthy option, she soaks up validation from this collection of Bad Decisions. Golden Retriever insists that she is so brave and that he couldn’t do what she does. And Breakfast Shots adds that she keeps saying that she sees her husband in this room, and that he “Speaks for [himself] and for everyone else” when he says, “we see our wife as well.”

Alone with Breakfast Shots, Jenn asks if being vulnerable like this makes him look at her differently, and he’s like “Do you think I’m stupid enough to say it would?”; Major Tom urges her to use him as a mirror to show her how incredible she is; and Temu Pete Davidson insists she’s more than worthy of love and if he’s not the one who shows her that, someone here will.

By the end of the night, Jenn has received enough of an artificial sugar rush from the men stroking her ego that she feels she can finally move on from being rejected by this man:

However, she does not offer anyone a date rose.

Jenn’s final date is with Beatboxer, who — at least in this episode — has demonstrated himself to be one of the most mature of the men this season. The pair head to the beach where they ride horses, have a picnic, and actually get rained on, no rain machines necessary.

That evening, they have fake dinner which always pairs nicely with a sob story. And at least Beatboxer’s is not another “was engaged, she cheated” story. Beatboxer tells Jenn that his father has been an addict for at least 30 years, and that despite his dad being his everything, his superhero, he also had to learn to deal with the fact that his father spent his life lying to him. Fortunately, his father recently went to rehab and has been sober for two months.

Jenn opens up about her own daddy issues, and how feeling abandoned by him led her to seek out toxic relationships with other men. She then reveals more about this toxic relationship she keeps bringing up (AND NEEDS TO WORK OUT WITH A PROFESSIONAL INSTEAD OF A PARADE OF FUCKBOIS BUT I DIGRESS), explaining that this man denied that sexism, racism, and Asian hate crimes exist. Whenever she would bring these issues up, he would shut her down, tell her it was all fake, and in people’s heads.

Jenn goes on to say this is why she now needs to be in a relationship where she feels seen and heard. Beatboxer appreciates this and agrees that she needs someone who is on the same wavelength when it comes to issues of racism and equality.

OK, AND I’M NOT TATTLING, BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT SOME OF THESE GUYS’ SOCIAL MEDIA PRESENCES. JENN.

She offers Beatboxer the rose, and he begins yammering about how she is someone he could really see spending his life with.

And then it’s time for the rose ceremony again. Before Jenn arrives, Beatboxer decides to announce to the other men that he’s falling in love with Jenn, which is a … choice? I mean, be in your feels, Beatboxer, but I’m not sure you necessarily need to share them with the group.

Jenn arrives, thanks them for propping her up the other night, and announces that she doesn’t need a cocktail party, she’ll see them in the lineup.

Before the lineup though, Beatboxer and Cheeky Mummy sneak outside, where Beatboxer becomes emotional and talks about how he is falling in love with Jenn and there’s no taking it back now that he put it out there.

And with that, it’s time for some roses:

Rose #1: Breakfast Shots
Rose #2: Temu Pete Davidson
Rose #3: Major Tom
Rose #4: Overcompensating
Rose #5: Golden Retriever

Which means the man who must go away now is Dr. Stethoscope, who genuinely seemed like a sweetheart. Sorry you weren’t given much of a chance, Doc. Hope to see you in Paradise where you can meet a nice girl.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Jenn:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Jenn:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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