Put on your Tron outfits and gather the K-popstars, we’ve got an Olympics to shut down.

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The Rio Olympics: Put on your broccoli costume, it’s time to end this shitshow

After 17 days of unfinished hotels, and Zika worries, and mysterious color-changing pools, and sick horses, and corrupt officials, and a missing Mary Carillo, and more sexist commentary than you could shake a stick at, and the reignition of the Cold War, and Phelps Phace, and one actually robbed athlete and, of course, Ryan Lochte, it’s time to drain the green pools and call it an Olympics here in Rio. Go get into your feathered headdress, wax up Mr. Tonga and let’s get this spectacle started! Continue reading “The Rio Olympics: Put on your broccoli costume, it’s time to end this shitshow”

The Rio Olympics: Crossing the finish line

Look, we’re all adults here. I can be honest with you, right? So here’s the thing: I didn’t watch the Olympics live on Friday because OH MY GOD I AM SO SICK OF THE OLYMPICS ALREADY SOMEONE FETCH ME A FROZEN MARGARITA IMMEDIATELY. Continue reading “The Rio Olympics: Crossing the finish line”

The Rio Olympics: Running Out of Interest

Is it just me or are these Olympic Games more sport than spectacle? Yes, there’s been drama and excitement and whatever the fuck is happening with Ryan Lochte, but where are all the video packages about how Allyson Felix loves basket weaving? Or how Katie Ledecky eats 5,000 pounds of spaghetti a week? Where is Mary Carillo making sand art? Continue reading “The Rio Olympics: Running Out of Interest”

The Rio Olympics: And then Ryan Lochte happened.

Oh, we will get to gold-medalist in douche-baggery Ryan Lochte’s shenanigans in a moment, trust. But first! After ELEVEN (11!) long days and nights of Olympic coverage, NBC finally unlocked the closet door they had shoved her behind and allowed Mary Carillo to do what she does best: a tangentially-related cultural tape piece! MARY CARILLO IS FREE! PRAISE TO THE HIGH RIO OLYMPIC MASCOT VINICIUS, OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED AT LONG LAST!

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The Rio Olympics: The ‘N’ In NBC Is Not For Nostradamus

So we all agree that week two of the Olympics is never as good as week one, right? It definitely seems like NBC thinks so. That’s why it’s such a hodgepodge of coverage. Continue reading “The Rio Olympics: The ‘N’ In NBC Is Not For Nostradamus”

The Rio Olympics: In which I call bullshit on some bullshit

DAY 10: NO MARY CARILLO.

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The Rio Olympics Uneven bars, Uneven Programming Decisions

Much like Usain Bolt’s 100m sprint, tonight’s primetime Olympic coverage got off to a rough start, but came to a satisfying end.

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The Rio Olympics: They’re going the distance, they’re going for speed

Last night was the final night of swimming and — far more importantly, at least according to NBC — MICHAEL PHELPS’ LAST EVENT EVER, MAYBE HIS LAST TIME TO EVEN BE IN A POOL, UNLESS IT ISN’T AND WE CAN CONVINCE HIM TO GO TO TOKYO IN FOUR YEARS, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, MICHAEL PHELPS, PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US.

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The Rio Olympics: A Dog In Heats

It the best of the times, it was the most boring of times. Last night’s Olympic coverage was a mixed bag, at best. There were a few thrilling moments in the pool, but then, good God, did we spend a lot of time watching track and field HEATS. Not even semifinals! Semi-semi finals. Do you even care about that? Will you even remember? Even the athletes looked bored!

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