‘La Brea’: In which they steal the whole blast door map thing

La Brea
“The Wedding”
February 21, 2023

~Obligatory complaint that this show is terrible. Because it is. It is terrible.~

 

We begin the episode with Caroline and her father Grandpa concerned that they can’t figure out this Dr. Moore guy’s notes — the ones that she stole from the cave lab. Also? I had completely forgotten that Cave Man Grandpa was Caroline’s dad, but that makes sense. I guess.

Caroline then worries that if she doesn’t get back to Gavin soon, he might start getting chummy with Daddy James. With that, she leaves the notes in her father’s care and marches off, presumably back to the clearing. And as soon as she exits field right, someone shoots Grandpa with a silencer and yoinks Dr. Moore’s notes.

 

Over in the clearing, people are getting dressed up for Ty and Paara’s big wedding, which … again …: BUT WHY? Is marriage really a thing for Paara’s people? The earliest recording of a legal marriage is from Mesopotamia in 2350 B.C., which is still 8,000 years AFTER THIS SHOW. We are closer in time to that first recorded legal marriage than that first legal recorded marriage was to 10,000 B.C. I mean, I get it, humans have always established certain romantic bonds, but the concept of marriage and wedding ceremonies seems a little modern for people from 10,000 B.C. Of course, so does speaking perfect English with American accents SO I GUESS MARRIAGE IS THE LEAST OF THE ISSUES HERE.

Anyway, Ty asks Eve to be his best woman in the ceremony — which, again, WHAT? — before telling her that he needs to tell her and Gavin something privately. Ty tells them about “Project Blue Moon” and how according to that Kira lady, Daddy James wants to change the past to be with baby Gavin/Isaiah again. Ty adds that he’s invited Daddy James to the wedding where Gavin can talk to him about this Project Blue Moon thing. Eve is all: “THIS IS A BAD IDEA,” but Gavin’s for it.

Meanwhile, Levi is still all about this plan to kill Daddy James, and tries to enlist Eve’s help, since she will have more access to him. He shows Eve a Chekov’s flower whose seeds are poisonous and asks her to help him put them in James’ drink, but she tells him to drop the whole assassination plan already.

Everyone goes to the fort for the wedding and there’s dancing and drinking and the fort people give Scott a knife as thanks for killing Taamet.

Daddy James arrives at the fort and tells Ty that after their conversation, he slept better. Daddy James now understands that he can have a different relationship with his son, one that isn’t contingent on Gavin being seven again.

Later, that Kira lady comes to the gates and pleads with Ty to let her in. She claims Daddy James is obsessed with getting his hands Dr. Moore’s journal. Kira insists to Ty that if she has Dr. Moore’s notes, she’ll use them for the greater good. Ty is like, “Except you left out the part where you sent the Exiles to attack my people, so no thanks, bye.”

Gavin leads his father around the fort where he grew up until Eve shoved him through a time portal. While Gavin is showing him around, he spots his mom skulking around the fort, too, and motions to her to meet him around the corner.

Now, wait. Why would Caroline have gone to the fort? How did she know everyone was there? I mean, I get it, they only have limited time to tell the story, but the thing is, she doesn’t know Ty, much less that he is getting married and that everyone would be at this other location. I guess I’m just irritated because it feels like they could have used disparity between what she would have known or expected — that everyone would be at the clearing — with what was actually happening — that everyone was at the wedding — to work with what happens to her later in the episode. We could have incorporated that into the “shocking twist.” BUT INSTEAD, WE ARE JUST LEFT WITH A BIG OL’ LOGIC HOLE. AGAIN.

Caroline explains to Gavin that she found some of Dr. Moore’s notes, but couldn’t make sense of them, and he’s like, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE! I also got my hands on some of Dr. Moore’s work, maybe taken together we can figure it out!” He gives her the journal and she’s like, “This is awesome. As soon as we figure this out, I’m definitely going to take you to this spot that you used to love as a kid,” and she might as well have said, “I’m one day away from retirement,” because we all know that’s never going to happen.

Speaking of Dr. Moore’s notes, Riley tells Dr. Sam that she and Caroline found them in Dr. Moore’s cave lab, but adds they didn’t tell Gavin or Josh. Josh overhears this and stomps off in a snit. Josh begins drinking heavily, which allows his grandfather James to come over and be all, “Chicks, amirite?” And then Gavin joins them and they talk about how they all have the same dumb haircut.

Meanwhile, Izzy notices Levi acting suspicious and tattles to her mom that she saw him messing with a poisonous flower. Eve spots Levi bringing a cup to Daddy James, and putting 1+1 together, rushes over to intercept the drink while Levi glowers at her.

Gavin finds Eve and Levi angrily whispering at one other, and when he asks what the fuck is going on, Eve explains that Levi wants to kill his dad. Gavin is not amused.

While all of this is happening, Veronica and Lucas go sit in a hot spring in their panties and eat a Pop Tart in an attempt to jog Veronica’s memory about the weird notes that her Kidnapper-Fake Daddy had on his person. I don’t know, it’s weird even for this dumb show. And ultimately, they are unsuccessful. However, they are out in the middle of nowhere when Grandpa Caveman comes stumbling out of the bushes, covered in blood.

Veronica and Lucas help Grandpa back to the fort, where simultaneously, Gavin goes into a hut to find Daddy James crouched over Mommy Caroline’s body. Daddy James is all, “IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” Daddy James admits that he was going to do Project Blue Moon, but then he met Gavin and his kids, and he’s had a change of heart. Gavin’s not buying it, but then Eve enters and tells Gavin that she believes Daddy James: Grandpa Caveman is at the fort, and he’s been shot by that Kira lady.

Sure enough, outside in the courtyard, Kira is trying to escape with the journal. When Ty tries to grab her gun, her security detail grabs Ty and drags him off in their truck.

Later, Paara tells Eve and Gavin that her scouts have not found Ty yet, but that they are gathering other warriors from other villages in preparation.

Meanwhile, Daddy James tells Gavin and Eve that it appears Kira has taken control of the Lazarus program, but that he has a secret way into the tower — they just have to trust him.

As for Veronica, she learns that her Kidnapper-Fake Daddy was a low-level programmer at Lazarus, stole the journal, and used a portal to return to their time. But also, she’s figured out that his notes in the journal correspond to Bible passages? Which somehow correspond to longitude and latitude points? So it’s a map? Anyway.

I’ve been trying to figure out what the Biblical passages correspond to map coordinates reminded me of on Lost and the best I’ve got is the Blast Door Map that Locke discovers in the hatch.

It’s certainly not exactly the same, but it’s a cryptic document filled with notes written by people who had been in this strange place before, which leads the newcomers to important, previously unknown locations.

I don’t know. This show is dumb and bad. And I’m still pretty pissed about the whole wedding thing.

La Brea airs on NBC on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.