Holy shit, we haven’t talked about Matt Gaetz yet!!

It’s Tuesday and I’m not sure if I’ve shared this video or not but who cares, you need to see it again.

#MeToo

Ah yes. Matt Gaetz. We haven’t discussed Matt Gaetz yet. I can’t believe we haven’t talked about Matt Gaetz yet. You know, Matt Gaetz, Congress’ single vote against a human trafficking bill back in 2017?

RIGHT. SO. One week ago, a story was floated out there that Florida Congressman and Former President Grab ‘Em By the Pussy’s mini-me, Matt Gaetz, was considering leaving Congress early to join Newsmax, and I almost included it in my daily post … but I didn’t because my antennas went up. Gaetz is a media gadfly, and while I’m sure he would love to one day retire from politics and get a profitable cable news job somewhere, he’s only in his 30s. There was NO WAY this attention whore was going to give up midway through his term as a Congressional hack just … because — and many people including myself suspected there was more to the story here.

Boy was there more to the story there.

And it is weird. Matt Gaetz is friends with the former tax collector of Seminole County, Florida, one Joel Greenberg, and this guy is quite the character. After Greenberg was elected into office, he started carrying around a badge and a gun, like he was a goddamned police officer and not just the dude who processes property tax checks, and this one time he even pulled over a woman for speeding even though that is DEFINITELY not in his job description.

But that’s not what got Greenberg in trouble. In fact, he wasn’t charged with impersonating a cop, which is some bullshit. Instead, the feds started an investigation into Greenberg over charges that he was stalking a political opponent. When they searched Greenberg’s car they discovered a pile of fake IDs that he had made for himself using Seminole County residents’ discarded driver’s licenses. So now this idiot is indicted for identity theft on top of stalking. But what does he need all these fake IDs for?

That brings us to Greenberg’s third federal indictment: sex trafficking, and that’s where Matt Gaetz comes into the story. According to the indictment, Greenberg is accused of potentially trafficking “across state lines—a girl between the ages of 14 and 17 for the purposes of commercial sex and in doing so had basically created an identifying document for that girl.”

The allegations suggest Greenberg met the girl on a “sugar daddy” website and maybe introducing her and other women he met there to his friends, like, you know, Matt Gaetz.

According to the New York Times piece that broke last week, Matt Gaetz is “being investigated by the Justice Department over whether he had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old and paid for her to travel with him.” And even more damning: the investigation began under Bill Barr. Later reporting suggested this girl is the same one Greenberg has been indicted for trafficking, and there are receipts.

“Matt Gaetz has never paid for sex,” Gaetz’s office said in a statement on Thursday. “Matt Gaetz refutes all the disgusting allegations completely. Matt Gaetz has never ever been on any such websites whatsoever. Matt Gaetz cherishes the relationships in his past and looks forward to marrying the love of his life.”

LOL OK.

When the story broke last week, Matt Gaetz claimed that what was really happening was that his family was being extorted: that two men had approached his father demanding $25 million to make certain potential legal problems “go away.” Why, his father was working with the FBI on this case and even wearing a wire! (And let’s just set aside for one moment that if this is true — and it might be — Gaetz just blew up an FBI investigation and potentially put officers and his own father in danger. Let’s just put that bit of dumbassery aside for the time being, we can come back to it at some future date, I promise.)

Gaetz went on Tucker Carlson’s show to tell his side of the story, and it went so poorly that even Tucker Carlson — TUCKER CARLSON! — called it “one of the weirdest interviews I’ve ever conducted,” and said it didn’t clarify much.

As for the story of the extortion attempt, it’s more complicated: Gaetz’s father was approached by two men who asked for $25 million to try to save hostage Robert A. Levinson from Iran, and having found out that Gaetz was looking at some legal drama, they suggested that if Daddy Gaetz helped out, President Biden might offer Matt Gaetz a pardon for being an American hero or some bullshit. Is that extortion? I don’t know, I’m not a judge nor am I a lawyer. But I know enough that you shouldn’t bring up “pictures … with child prostitutes” unbidden on national TV unless you want to give your own lawyer a heart attack.

And then stories started coming out that this piece of shit would show other Congressmen on the floor of Congress nude photos of women he claimed he had slept with. Former Congresswoman Katie Hill, who left office after her ex released nonconsensual pornographic images of her, writes that Gaetz was one of her defenders when the scandal broke and an unlikely friend, but a friend nonetheless. She is calling for him to resign:

Let me state it as clearly as possible: If, despite his denials, Matt Gaetz did have sex with a minor, if he did provide girls and young women with drugs and money and gifts in exchange for sex, if he did ask these girls and young women to recruit other women for the same purpose, and if he did show his colleagues images of nude women without their consent, he needs to be held responsible. Some of these actions are criminal and some of them should be. All are morally reprehensible and unacceptable for a lawmaker. 

If there is even a fraction of truth to these reports, he should resign immediately. 

Oh, and look who fought a Florida revenge porn law when he was in the state legislature because he believed people had a right to share those photos:

Matt Gaetz is being defiant and refusing to resign, playing a page right out of his mentor’s playbook. And as for those plans to move to Fox News or OAN? Thanks but no thanks, say the networks.

👀 👀 👀

Hey, remember that time Matt Gaetz flew to Wyoming to troll Liz Cheney for voting to impeach Former President Insurrectionist?

Gaetz hasn’t been charged with anything yet, but stay tuned. I think the dam is just beginning to break.

Armie Hammer has dropped out of an upcoming Broadway play, and Disney has delayed the release of Death on the Nile, in which he co-stars, trying to figure out what the hell to do with it. But hey! Bill Maher is in his corner, so there’s that!

Joss Whedon reportedly threatened to destroy Gal Gadot’s career during the making of Justice League. Well, that’s out of character for him!

What happens to women who speak out against “geniuses” like J.D. Salinger (they’re called “indescribably stupid” and a “predator”) and Woody Allen (they are forced to explain the painful circumstances of their children’s tragic deaths).

Three more women have come forward with accusations against T.I. and Tiny.

The Houston Police have now opened an investigation into Deshaun Watson’s behavior.

EDM DJ Bassnectar has been sued by two women for sex trafficking and child pornography.

Migos rapper Takeoff will not face charges for allegedly raping a woman last year.

James Charles has put out a video apology for grooming and sending sexually explicit messages to minors. OK.

There’s yet another woman accusing Governor Cuomo of unwanted contact. This guy. Boy, is there anyone in the world happier about the Matt Gaetz story breaking?

A new lawsuit filed against Jeffrey Epstein’s estate contains horrific allegations of rape, threats, and trafficking.

Welcome to the world, new girl dad.

@world.shaker

#stitch with @ericasaysstuff #parenting #girldad #walmartsethrogen #babyclothes

♬ Emotional Piano Instrumental In E Minor – Tom Bailey Backing Tracks

Misogynists are blaming Egypt’s first female ship captain for the Suez Canal boat incident, despite the fact that she was on a different ship at the time, hundreds of miles away.

Britney Spears says the Hulu documentary about her, which she did not watch in its entirety, made her cry for two weeks.

In response to this post, one of Britney’s makeup artists has claimed that she confided in him that she does not control her social media content (suggesting that this Instagram post was designed to disparage the Free Britney movement), but she tells TMZ that this guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about, she writes all of her social media posts. WHO EVEN KNOWS. (Not to overthink this non-issue too much, but I wouldn’t be surprised if watching the documentary did make her feel victimized all over again — it’s traumatic. And it’s possible for her to both be sad about reliving her terrible childhood AND respect the Free Britney movement — they’re not contradictory. ANYWAY.)

Meanwhile, Justin Timberlake’s manager Johnny Wright posted a comment on Janet Jackson’s Instagram post that read “Always choose to heal, not to hurt. To forgive, not to despise. To persevere, not to quit. To smile, not to frown. And to love, not to hate,” with the comment, “You should take this advice and apply it to your relationship with Justin.” EXCUSE ME? BITCH, YOU BETTER SIT DOWN.

The panty raid episode of SpongeBob SquarePants has been removed from Paramount+, Amazon, and Nickelodeon, and people are really upset about it.

Disney has fired Paul Pierce from ESPN after being an Instagram Live video with exotic dancers, despite being an adult man who didn’t do anything illegal. Don’t upset the Mouse, man.

And let’s end with some good news: The Pentagon reversed Former President Bigot’s completely stupid and unnecessary ban on transgender soldiers. If you want to serve this country and protect me and my family, I don’t care who you are, you have my respect.

All Other TV News

Jimmy Fallon responded to the criticism he received for hosting Addison Rae on The Tonight Show doing TikTok dances that she did not create by giving the actual creators, most of who are Black, a spotlight. See? It’s OK to admit a mistake and do right by people.

Aaron Rodgers would like to be the permanent host of Jeopardy! while also still playing in the NFL. I mean, OK, but you’re probably going to get roasted like this a lot more in the future, bub:

Meanwhile, LeVar Burton is still out here waiting for his invitation to host.

The Conan O’Brien-hosted cast reunion of Game of Thrones is now available to stream on HBO Max.

Milo Ventimiglia knows who the father of Rory’s baby is on Gilmore Girls, and he’s not telling even though he has permission to do so.

Is this a hint about David Lynch’s upcoming project? I mean, who even knows.

The Producers Guild of America, the Writers Guild of America, and SAG-AFTRA have all put out statements decrying Georgia’s voting law. Great, but where were you guys a month ago?

Going Viral

It’s all good news/bad news right now, as we are in a really precarious place: the vaccines are being administered and deaths are going down — only 530 reported yesterday. And President Biden is going to announce that all adults should be eligible for the vaccine by April 19, pushing up his earlier announced date from May 1.

BUT we also have variants spreading and cases are rising in most states as people lower their guards, travel more, send their kids back to school and states fling everything open. Yesterday it was announced that a new “double mutant strain” with origins in India was found in California SO THAT CAN’T BE GREAT. Dammit, keep wearing those masks, guys.

Just look at all these maskless assholes packed together at the Texas Rangers game yesterday. LOOK, LISTEN. It’s certainly a positive thing that the game was played with the roof open, and I think this summer will be a good one in which we will be able to gather outside again — ONCE EVERYONE IS VACCINATED. But we are only at 16% fully vaccinated here in Texas and … and this isn’t great.

Greg Gianforte, the governor of Montana governor who lifted the mask mandate in his state in February, now has COVID. 

Breaking: Dr. Drew is a fucking idiot.

Breaking: Texas Governor Greg Abbott is a fucking idiot.

Renewals

Cancellations

  •  

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • Star Trek: Discovery returns on Paramount+ later this year.

  • Star Trek: Picard will return on Paramount+ in 2022.

  • Star Trek: Lower Decks will return on Paramount+ on August 12.

  • Woman in Motion: Nichelle Nichols, Star Trek and the Remaking of NASA will stream on Paramount+ on June 3.

  • Girls5eva is going to premiere on Peacock on May 6.

  • Pray, Obey, Kill will premiere on HBO Max on April 12.

  • The Circle returns on Netflix on April 14.

  • Chucky will debut on Syfy and USA this fall.

  • The Urban One Honors will air on TV One on May 16.

  • The Chicken Squad will debut on Disney Junior on May 14.

R.I.P.

Paul Ritter, Actor who starred in Chernobyl, Friday Night Dinner, and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

WATCH THIS

Chad: Nasim Pedrad stars as a 14-year-old Persian boy navigating his freshman year of high school in this new coming-of-age comedy. Series premiere. 9:30 p.m., TBS

Blue Velvet: David Lynch’s brilliant nightmare noir should be revisited every once in a while. 9:05 p.m., Retroplex

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Pete Davidson, Gaten Matarazzo, Glass Animals
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Ronan Farrow, Brandi Carlile
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Neil deGrasse Tyson, Arlo Parks
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Ray Romano, Romany Malco, Nessa Barrett and jxdn featuring Travis Barker
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
  • Conan: Nikki Glaser
  • Watch What Happens Live: Leslie Jordan, Niecy Nash
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Julian Dennison

TUES. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Pooch Perfect

(new)
black-ish

(new)
mixed-ish

(new)
Soul of a Nation
(new)
CBS NCIS
(new)
FBI
(new)
FBI: Most Wanted
(new)
CW The Flash
(new)
Supergirl
(new)
Local
FOX The Resident
(repeat)
The Masked Singer
(repeat)
News/Local
NBC Young Rock
(new)
Kenan
(new)
This Is Us
(new)
New Amsterdam
(new)

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