‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Loud and for some reason very proud.

The Real Housewives of New York
“Reunion, Part 1”
July 11, 2019

Ah, yes, it’s time for that most tedious, but also amazing? part of these dumb shows: the multi-part scream fest known as the reunion. Put on a sparkly evening gown, do something stupid with your hair, and fill your glass with Ramona pinot grigio, it’s time to dig up some old grudges.

The reunion begins with a worthless backstage visit from our fearless leader Andy Cohen, but we’re not going to talk about that because yawn.

Andy Cohen welcomes the ladies to the couches, and begins with Sonja whose look he compares to Krystle Carrington from Dynasty. Or “Christie” Carrington, as she suggests.

Sonja is sure to point out that she is wearing Sonja by Sonja Morgan, and that the dress only costs $105, which I only mention because when Andy turns his attention to Dorinda, he opens by noting that she must be wearing Jovani. But, in fact, she is not. She’s wearing Naeem Khan, the designer who The Countess tried to borrow a dress from (and was denied). As Dorinda explains, she’ll leave the $400 dresses to The Countess.

As for The Countess, Andy reminds everyone that she was not in attendance for the last reunion on account of the drinky-drinky, and that she comes to this reunion with a lot of “emotions” surrounding her.

I mean, that’s one way to put it.

The Countess explains that since she’s had an opportunity to watch the episodes, she’s feeling humbled and recognizes that she was “totally self-absorbed.” But what the other women don’t know is how hard it is to be around them and not drink. Which I will give her credit for because God knows it’s hard to WATCH these women without getting plastered.

Tinsley has launched a line of eyelashes. Sure. Of course.

Ramona has all new teeth.

And Andy, I guess trying to make her cry within the first five minutes of being there, reminds Bethenny that Dennis used to accompany her to the reunions — the past three, in fact. Is he on her mind right now? UH DUH, ANDY COHEN, OF COURSE HE IS.

The first montage is about Sonja, Dorinda, and The Countess moving into new homes. Because who isn’t riveted by real estate?

Andy tries to stir up some controversy by asking The Countess about Ramona’s comment trashing Kingston as a “poor town.” But The Countess just sighs it off as typical Ramona bullshit. And, again, I hate to give it to The Countess, but when she’s right, she’s right.

Ramona, in an attempt to dig herself out of her (ass)hole, only makes things worse when she declares that a real estate friend of hers thinks that Kingston will be a solid real estate buy in about 10 years.

Andy then asks The Countess about her comments about being hounded by the press in the Hamptons which Bethenny calls all kinds of bullshit on. Madonna, Jerry Seinfeld, Kelly Ripa, they all have houses out in the Hamptons and they aren’t being constantly harassed by photographers, so excuse her if she thinks The Countess’ claims that she was dodging paparazzi jumping out of bushes is nonsense. Respectfully, Bethenny saw some of the people The Countess thought were photographer: they were just regular boaters and she was being paranoid.

Andy asks Sonja about the townhouse and she claims she’s rented it out fo $36,000 a month. Get it, girl.

And Dorinda reports that she loves her new neighborhood.

A viewer asks Dorinda about the fact that Fudgie doesn’t live with her, and she’s like, “WHO CARES? Look, I have sex with him a couple times a week and then he goes home. Trust me, it’s for the best.”

Ramona, whose apartment was going on the market during the taping of the show, informs us that after dropping the price a few times, she’s finally accepted an offer on the place. Ramona then announces that she’s looking at an apartment in a particular building and then proceeds to give the address which they had to bleep out because Ramona has a broken brain.

Next is the Bethenny montage and there is a lot of crying.

Andy begins by noting that it’s almost been a year since Dennis died: how’s she doing? Bethenny claims she is doing well, but that the grief comes in waves. Bethenny notes that when he passed, they were in one of their broken up phases — they cycled through being together and being broken up. And that at the end of the day, she decided she couldn’t be with him because he wasn’t dependable. He promised to meet her and Bryn at the Plaza for Mother’s Day — the best Mother’s Day ever, he promised — but then he ended up spending the entire day in bed and she spent Mother’s Day alone. Well, she spent it with her daughter which is what should be the most important thing on Mother’s Day to her, but you get the idea.

A viewer needs some clarification: was Bethenny engaged to Dennis? And Bethenny is like, “Kinda?”

Andy notes that Dorinda seems like a capable guide for Bethenny in how to deal with grief, and Dorinda is like, “Well, it’s not that big a deal. I just told her that it’s a sad situation and she is allowed to grieve.” Which, apparently, is something Bethenny hadn’t considered.

Andy turns his attention to The Countess and is like, “So what was the deal with YOUR relationship with Dennis? There were all these oblique references to how he helped you, so how did he help you?” The Countess explains that she didn’t know Dennis very well, but that he knew a powerful attorney who was able to help her with her case (against her kids and ex-husband). Andy is like, “And financially? Did he give you money?” The Countess admits that she asked Bethenny to ask him for $6 million to buy her “dream” house upstate, and Andy is like, “YOU JUST SAID YOU BARELY KNEW HIM AND YOU ASKED HIM FOR $6 MILLION?”

Bethenny steps in to explain that Dennis had a financial services company, but that yes, The Countess called Bethenny completely manic and out of control, asking her to ask Dennis for $6 million for this house. You know, perfectly normal everyday favor stuff.

A viewer asks Bethenny if she dated the Hot Caterer Guy and her new boyfriend in between dating Dennis, and Bethenny is like, “yeah, sorta.” Meanwhile Andy Cohen fans his crotchal area just THINKING about Hot Caterer Guy.

As for the New Boyfriend, Bethenny actually went out with him Christmas time of last year, but she felt she was “too needy” and broke things off. He came back and courted her again, and they are very happy. Andy asks why New Boyfriend isn’t on the show, and Bethenny is like, “because he’s way too smart to be a part of this nonsense.”

A viewer tries to start a fight between Bethenny and Tinsley by pointing out that Bethenny gave her such shit when she wouldn’t call Scott on TV, but she keeps her own relationship off-screen? WHAT HYPOCRISY IS THAT?

But Tinsley is like, “I mean, I see what you’re saying, but I wanted Scott to be on camera, so ~shrug~.”

Andy asks if Bethenny has sold SkinnyGirl, and she explains that she has not, before we return to the topic of Dennis again. Andy asks Bethenny about her near-death experience and her comments that she felt like Dennis was trying to “pull [her] in” and she explains that she just felt it. While Dennis wanted her to be happy, he also hated to see her with other people and she really felt like he was trying to pull her to him one last time. As for New Boyfriend, he saved her life literally and emotionally, and she’s very happy, the end.

Next montage: The Countess and Dorinda situation.

The montage ends with The Countess making the Jovani joke at her Christmas cabaret, and Dorinda is like, “Thank God I gave her that — Jovani is half the show now.”

Andy asks Dorinda if she keeps bringing up the Jovani thing because she feels underappreciated, and Dorinda begins some convoluted story about how everything seemed fine between them following the end of taping last season, and she thought they were good over the summer, but then The Countess went back to rehab and everything went to shit.

The Countess points out that Dorinda was the one who started it all by heckling her. And also, too, Dorinda came to the Hamptons and didn’t call her. If she went to the Berkshires, Dorinda would be the FIRST person she’d call (and demand a yoga instructor).

Dorinda insists that she was there for The Countess CONSTANTLY, including the first time she went to jail, to which The Countess gasps, “The FIRST time? It’s the ONLY time!”

A viewer asks The Countess what she meant when she said she didn’t want Dorinda at the clambake because she didn’t need “the trigger?” The Countess explains that it was upsetting because they had not resolved things between them and Dorinda didn’t reach out to her in the Hamptons and Dorinda begins yelling about a prayer card and that’s when Andy interrupts to remind them that because The Countess didn’t attend the previous season’s reunion, a lot of these issues weren’t hashed out before the new season began filming.

Dorinda insists that when they started filming again, all she wanted was to see The Countess again, and that it hurt that her friend of 13 years did everything she could to avoid her. Dorinda adds that The Countess hasn’t been nice to any of them, that her comments about the rest of them being jealous of her were just nasty and that she feels like The Countess doesn’t have any substance anymore.

A viewer asks The Countess how she felt when she watched the season and saw for herself how upset Dorinda was over the demise of their friendship, and The Countess is all, “I was upset, too!” Because it’s always about her. The Countess explains she was slow to warm up because she was “hurt,” but that she misses their friendship and wants it back.

Dorinda, now furious, reminds The Countess that she was her soldier in the reunions, that she always had her back, that she gave her a prayer card from Richard’s death, and THE COUNTESS TREATS HER LIKE AN ANIMAL, SHE BREAKS DORINDA’S HEART, SHE TAKES AND TAKES AND TAKES AND THEN SHE PISSES ALL OVER FUDGIE THE WHALE.

Andy reminds The Countess that this was about her not inviting Fudgie to the cabaret show, which in turn led to the heckling, but The Countess insists that she DID invite Fudgie and she has the texts to prove it … just give her a sec …

While she searches for the text, a viewer gives Dorinda the Miriam Webster definition of “heckle” and asks how she can continue to claim she didn’t heckle The Countess at her cabaret.

Dorinda continues to claim that she didn’t heckle: The Countess asked the audience how they liked her dress, and she just yelled out the dress designer’s name. How is that heckling? But Tinsley is like, “Naw, bitch, I was right there with you doing it too, and it was definitely heckling.”

By now, The Countess has found the text messages in question and hands her phone to Andy for his dramatic reading:

D: “So Josh the Fat Jewish has a table but Fudgie is not invited? He’s been my boyfriend for six years and is part of the show. This is unkind.”

TC: “Hi, I’m at a mammogram, can’t talk. Of course Fudgie is always welcome, you only had to ask, not sure the status.”

D: “He got invited by a third party and he’s now mad at me. He doesn’t want to come at all, he’s pissed at me.”

TC: “Love you, not my problem. It’s my big night. Break a leg would have been a better message. You should have asked sooner if you wanted him there.”

And while Andy is reading this, The Countess is saying, “That’s right! It was my big night! And I was nervous and I couldn’t be bothered with these details.”

But Tinsley’s like, “Except you got Scott a ticket the day of? So …”

A viewer asks The Countess what was up with all the demands on Dorinda for massages and yoga teachers when she went to the Berkshires, did she intend the weekend to be about Dorinda kissing her ass?

The best The Countess can do is concede begrudgingly that she “bordered on being insensitive” (BORDERED!) especially with her comments about the Fish Room, but she was just trying to keep her shit together so you’re not allowed to judge any of her terrible behavior or something.

Bethenny joins in, noting that when she was watching the episodes, she saw that The Countess was relishing in Dorinda’s apology, really enjoying it, and The Countess decides to change tacks, explaining that watching back, she was also appalled by her behavior. But she was going through a rough time. She’s not saying that she had it harder than anyone else, they all had their own shit, but it’s been really hard for her. With that, she asks Dorinda for a hug because The Countess knows this is her only escape from being confronted about her assholery.

Andy Cohen is like, “Cool, but now to get back to the fighting,” and asks The Countess what her plan was for the “award” she was going to give Dorinda in the cabaret show. How did she think that was going to go over?

The Countess insists she was just trying to make the situation funny and strip the whole thing of its negativity, but Dorinda confirms that she did actually speak to her lawyers about it.

With that, The Countess’s hot new single, “Feelin’ Jovani” begins playing and while everyone grits their teeth — none harder than Dorinda — this tone-deaf idiot begins grooving to her own dumb song and yells at the DJ to TURN IT UP! PLAY IT LOUDER! LOUDER!

Everyone congratulates The Countess and Dorinda for kissing and making up, but Andy reminds them the night is young before concluding the first of a three-part reunion.

Lord, bourbon me strength.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.