What if you threw a rally and nobody came?

Welcome to Monday! (Honest to God, you guys, I started typing Wednesday. No idea why except that time is broken.)

It’s been a rough few months for our incompetent president: a pandemic hit and instead of leading us through the crisis, he’s tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, leading to ~let me check Worldometer~ 122,381 American deaths; the economy ground to a halt in response to the virus, leading to over 40 million Americans filing for unemployment; protests have erupted around the country over police violence and racial discrimination; and in the polls, President In Over His Orange Head is behind his opponent in the Presidential election by double digits.

To soothe his melting-down ego, President Toddler decided to throw himself a rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma — a mile away from the site of the nation’s worst instance of racial violence — on Juneteenth — a day that celebrates the end of slavery — in a town where the virus is spiking. People called on him to cancel the event both because of the racial insensitivity, but also because maybe cramming tens of thousands of screaming people into an indoor arena ISN’T EXACTLY THE BEST IDEA RIGHT NOW, but the most the campaign would concede was to move the date to June 20.

In the days building up to the event, the campaign began bragging that they had nearly 1 million people reserving tickets to the event — which should have been a red flag right there — and they made arrangements to have a second stage outside set up for the overflow crowd, planning for President Superspreader and Vice President Bleached Flour would also address them.

6,200 people showed up to the rally.

hillary laughing lol cackling

They had to take down the outside stage:

hillary-clinton-woo-okay-shimmy

Project Lincoln compared the Fail Rally to his limp dick:

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It came out that TikTok teens and K-Pop fans organized to request tickets to the rally in an attempt to limit the crowd (though my 15-year-old son is neither a TikToker nor a K-Pop fan, he did his Gen Z duty by requesting tickets, so I knew this was a thing that was happening). But the campaign claims there was no cap on the number of tickets available and the kids had no effect on the crowd size. This is actually even sadder for the campaign because it means that the tickets for the rally were available, but no one wanted to go. Additionally, the only upside to the campaign giving away 800,000 tickets — all that precious data — was utterly useless.

Then, at the rally, instead of focusing on, you know, the issues of the day, President Emptyrally ranted for 15 minutes about his greatest nemesis, The Ramp:

He then proved he could drink a glass of water with one hand, and you guys, this was so impressive to the 6,200 people who went to the rally that they began chanting “FOUR MORE YEARS!”

This is a real tweet:

Finally, defeated, President Tiny Two Hands returned to the White House:

All I’m saying is it was a great weekend! You know, aside from all the death and unemployment and our country falling into Goddamned ditch because of white supremacy.

Going Viral

When he wasn’t talking about The Ramp and proving that he can, in fact, drink water with one hand, President Fail told the few dozen audience goers in Tulsa that he instructed his people to slow down COVID-19 testing:

“You know testing is a double-edged sword. We have tested now 25 million people. It is probably 20 million people more than anybody else….Here’s the bad part. When you test to that extent, you are going to find more people, find more cases. So I said to my people, ‘Slow the testing down please.’ They test and they test.”

His team is claiming it was a “joke.”

carol-laughing-twd

President Racist also called COVID-19, “Kung Flu” AT THE RALLY. ON CAMERA. And his press secretary is out here lying about it:

By the way, six of President Death Rally’s advance team tested positive in Tulsa. But that’s no reason to continue taking people’s temperature at the White House, right?

The Witcher is set to begin filming again in the U.K. in August.

CBS This Morning returned to the CBS Broadcast Center this morning. Good luck!

D.L. Hughley collapsed on stage this weekend and was taken to the hospital where he tested positive for Coronavirus. He’s been released from the hospital and is quarantining. Also, Y’ALL. DO NOT BE GOING TO COMEDY CLUBS RIGHT NOW. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAINS?

The Phillies, Giants, and Blue Jays all shut down their training camps in Clearwater after employees tested positive. Meanwhile, the University of Houston canceled workouts, Alabama, Auburn, Florida State, and several other teams have reported players who are positive and one-quarter of the LSU football team has tested positive. A FOURTH. I just want you all to be emotionally prepared when there is no football this fall. Because I worry you are not emotionally prepared for when there is no football this fall.

But hey: Disneyland Paris is opening back up, so.

Black Lives Matter

Lonnie Chavis, the 12-year-old actor who plays Young Randall on This Is Us, wrote a powerful and heartbreaking essay for People about the racism and fear he has faced in his young life. Please read the whole thing.

I also remember being invited to events but then being treated very poorly by security or entrance checkers, like I wasn’t supposed to be there, until I had a publicist to announce me. I think of going to Hollywood events with other actors and actresses where I was constantly asked if I’m the boy from Black-ish or the boy from Stranger Things. I guess we all look alike since we are all Black. Can you imagine being confused for any other Black kid just because you all share the same profession? I can.

I can recall a time on set when I started crying listening to an actor portray a racist grandmother toward my character. The director and writers told me that they didn’t need me to cry for the scene. However, it was hard for me not to cry as I witnessed what I had just learned was my reality. I wasn’t acting, I was crying for me. Can you imagine having to explain to a room full of white people why I couldn’t hold back my real tears while experiencing the pain of racism? I can.

Some asshole left a noose in NASCAR’s Bubba Wallace’s team garage. This is infuriating, but I hope it opens the eyes of other NASCAR fans who don’t think the Confederate flag is that big of a deal.

HBO’s wild and surreal series, Random Acts of Flyness, is available on YouTube for free right now.

Taking the Stage: African American Music and Stories That Changed America will be rebroadcast on ABC on Wednesday.

A Ramy crew member wrote an open four-page letter about the racism he’s faced over the years on TV shoots.

The BBC has committed to spending £100 million to create diverse content.

Black Broadway actors are demanding the industry deal with its racism.

Fortnite is removing police cars from the game.

#MeToo

The Chris D’Elia story continues to unfold as more and more women come forward with evidence he was gross with them when they were teenagers, and as it continues, a number of female comedians are coming forward to talk about the abuse and sexism they have faced in the industry, making A BUNCH of comedy dudes super uncomfortable.

But first, D’Elia: Comedy Central, Hulu, and Amazon have all pulled an episode of Workaholics in which D’Elia plays a child molester. It is going to be much more difficult for Netflix to navigate what to do with You considering his role as SPOILER ALERT a pedophile.

D’Elia’s co-star and friend, Whitney Cummings has finally spoken out:

Take her statement with a grain of salt.

Meanwhile, some cringey videos of D’Elia coming out, including in this one when he learns that Snapchat images can, actually, be saved:

And these two in which his jokes about teen girls make you want to crawl out of our skin:

There’s a lot more here if you’re interested.

Meanwhile, Joe Rogan is rightfully coming under fire for this old clip in which he laughs and claps while one of his friends, Joey “Coco” Diaz, brags about not allowing female comedians to take the stage unless they gave him a blowjob:

Unsurprisingly, Rogan’s fans are swarming to defend him, but watch the clip: this isn’t defensible.

Amy Schumer has responded to this by publishing her number and encouraging any victims to reach out to her.

But comedians aren’t the only ones in trouble right now. The wrestling world is going through a bit of a reckoning right now. Wrestler Jack Gallagher has been released from his WWE contract, and wrestlers Matt Riddle and Jordan Devlin have been accused of sexual abuse. Women are using the #SpeakingOut hashtag to share their stories in the industry.

And then there are the super famous dudes: A woman has accused Baby Driver star Ansel Elgort of sexually assaulting her when she was 17-years old. He denies her allegations.

Justin Bieber has been accused by two women of sexual assault, one in 2014, the other in 2015. He’s vehemently denied the 2014 accusation with a long series of tweets.

Finally, Cole Sprouse and the entire cast of Riverdale were accused of sexual assault in a bizarre series of tweets that seemed to be specifically designed to undermine other sexual assault allegations and the campaign to believe women.

I’m so tired, you guys.

All Other TV News

Last week, Twitter marked a fake CNN video of two toddlers that President Dementia tweeted as “manipulated media.” Over the weekend, they and Facebook both took down the video in response to a copyright claim by the toddlers’ parents:

“We are appalled at the use of children to draw attention to President Trump and the so-called ‘fake media,’” Ven Johnson, a Detroit-based attorney representing the parents, said. “We are equally distraught by the President’s endorsement of the blatant attempt at racism and mockery of American journalism. Our clients are speaking out against this offensive behavior and investigating all legal options regarding the unauthorized use and manipulation of this video.

mira sorvino popcorn romy and michelle

Jimmy Kimmel announced that he was taking a couple of months off to spend time with his family. Reminder: Kimmel’s young son has a serious heart condition. Now, watch this asshole on Fox News’ The Greg Gutfeld Show:

Don’t hold your breath for a Poe Dameron series on Disney+. But Mark Hamil continues to be a team player.

Be worried for Kim Wexler.

The king of Netflix content is not who you might think it is. Interestingly, none of his series are included on this list of best mystery and crime dramas, but maybe they should be?

Uh-oh, actors: y’all’s real ages can be posted on IMDb after all, and it’s unconstitutional for you to demand they be taken down.

Revry, the first LGBTQ+ virtual cable network, has launched in time for Pride.

In Development

Mark Your Calendar

  • Hamilton comes to Disney+ on July 3.
  • Lucifer will return on Netflix on August 21.

R.I.P.

Joel Schumacher, Director of The Lost Boys, St. Elmo’s Fire, and some Batman movies.

Alan Metter, Director of Back to School, Girls Just Want to Have Fun and many Olivia Newton-John projects

WATCH THIS

Penn & Teller: Fool Us: MAGIC! Except not. Hey, when did Alyson Hannigan join the team? Anyone know? Season premiere. 8 p.m., The CW

I May Destroy You: Just a heads up that this series has moved to Monday nights and that Michaela Cole is terrific. 8 p.m., HBO

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Will Ferrell, John Legend
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Jason Sudeikis, Mike O’Brien
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: James Corden, Ibram X. Kendi, Bright Eyes
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Lena Waithe, Raleigh Ritchie
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
  • Watch What Happens Live: Hannah Ferrier, Jessica More

 

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart
(new)
CBS The Neighbor-hood
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Bob Hearts Abishola
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All Rise
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Bull
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CW Whose Line is it Anyway?
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Whose Line is it Anyway?
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Penn & Teller: Fool Us
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Local
FOX 9-1-1
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9-1-1: Lone Star
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News/Local
NBC The Titan Games
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The Wall
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Dateline NBC
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