In what sounds like a joke, but I assure you is not, TV has now been reduced to shows about celebrities giving each other haircuts

WELL HELLO, THURSDAY!

Here’s a panda eating what I think is actually sugar cane, not bamboo, but let’s not be pedants about it:

CBS is going to air a show that will just be celebrities giving themselves haircuts because THIS IS WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW. THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO WATCH. WE HAVE COME TO THE END OF ALL TV. IT IS JUST KELLY OSBOURNE RECEIVING BAD HOME HAIRCUTS FROM HERE ON OUT FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.

too sober for this

Haircut Night in America — an actual title of an actual show that is actually going to air on actual television — will air on CBS on May 29.

Speaking of CBS: A headline: “‘The Good Fight’: CBS Is Blowing It by Not Airing Its Best Streaming Series on Broadcast TV.” HARD AGREE.

1. You are going to need new programming in the fall, CBS, because it is DOUBTFUL you’ll be able to ramp up production on all of your shows to have new content by October, so

2. Why don’t you showcase your best arguments for buying into CBS All Access? Add The Good Fight, The Twilight Zone, Why Women Kill and Star Trek: Discovery to your primetime schedule and buy yourself not only some time to make new programming, but give some publicity to your streaming service that needs customers! So dumb! Why do I have to explain this to you? You’re programming haircuts right now for chrissakes, so you know the extent of the crisis!

Maybe you guys were talking to Governor Newsom who seems to think productions could come back in a matter of days? Of course, the unions have some thoughts on that which amount to ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? My completely uneducated guess: this isn’t going to happen.

I mean, I get it: according to this report, nearly one million people in the entertainment industry are out of work in this country. Everyone wants to get productions up and running again — but it has to be done safely and conscientiously, and right now there isn’t even a standard guideline for how that happens.

You know who saw this coming from a mile away? The guy who created Black Mirror.

The Daytime Emmys have been pushed back to June 26. It will be held virtually and broadcast on CBS.

Good Morning America has announced The 2020 Summer Concert Series lineup and dates:

  • May 22 – Katy Perry #KatyPerryOnGMA
  • May 29 – Kygo ft. OneRepublic and Valerie Broussard #KygoOnGMA
  • June 5 – Billie Joe Armstrong #BillieJoeArmstrongOnGMA
  • June 19 – John Legend #JohnLegendOnGMA
  • June 26 – Sia #SiaOnGMA
  • July 3 – Old Dominion #OldDominionOnGMA
  • July 10 – Shaggy ft. Sting #ShaggyOnGMA
  • Aug. 21 – Megan Thee Stallion #MeganTheeStallionOnGMA

Dates to be announced:

  • Ellie Goulding #EllieGouldingOnGMA
  • Skip Marley and H.E.R. #SkipMarleyOnGMA #HERonGMA
  • Black Eyed Peas #BlackEyedPeasOnGMA
  • Bebe Rexha #BebeRexhaOnGMA
  • Mariah Carey #MariahOnGMA

Oh no — poor Nick Cordero, the Broadway actor who has had a rough go of it with this virus, has had another downturn.

Well, here’s a depressing as fuck article that suggests my neck of the woods is not only far from being done with this but that things are about to GET REAL:

“Researchers at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center said last week that cases in the Dallas-Fort Worth metropolitan area could spike this summer, with a tripling of daily active cases of covid-19, the disease the novel coronavirus causes, if there is a significant easing of mitigation efforts. And PolicyLab projects that in the next month, Harris County, which includes Houston, will go from a couple hundred cases a day to more than 2,000.”

And here’s another story about two churches who reopened way too early — based on their dumb governors telling them it was fine to do so — and the folks who got sick and died as a result. One of those churches was here in Houston:

Holy Ghost parish’s May 2 reopening happened around the time businesses and restaurants unlocked their doors for patrons. The archdiocese permitted its churches to restart services with the expectation that they follow state recommendations for reopening, according to ABC News.

The parish’s 900-seat building downsized the number of churchgoers for Sunday Mass to 179, according to the church in a statement. The May 2 service involved two priests who have since tested positive for the coronavirus. Three members of the church’s Redemptorists religious community were also confirmed to have the virus.

“We ask you to please keep everyone impacted by this illness in your prayers,” the church said in a statement.

The members who tested positive are asymptomatic and are quarantined, but those who attended the May 2 service are encouraged to monitor their health as a precautionary measure, according to the church.

The choice to cease all services for an unspecified amount of time came a day after the Rev. Donnell Kirchner, a priest at the church, died on May 13, of what is believed to be covid-19, the disease caused by the virus, according to ABC News.

Kirchner was diagnosed with pneumonia before dying at the home he shared with others members of the Redemptorists religious order. It is unknown if he was tested for the coronavirus at the urgent care or emergency room he visited before being sent home with medication, according to church officials.

Harris County, where the church is located, has the highest number of positive coronavirus cases in the state, ABC News reported.

 

STAY HOME, YOU GUYS. Listen, I get it! I know restaurants are opening back up and I want to go eat Mexican food and drink margaritas at my local joint as much as anyone, and my kids’ hair? I CAN NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT THE DISASTER THAT IS HAPPENING ON THEIR HEADS RIGHT NOW. But this is not over yet. Wear your masks, wash your hands, stay home if you can.

Good News:

Teen Wolf is the latest show to host a reunion. It will benefit the First Responders First charity

All Other TV News

Well, well, well, looks like Lori Loughlin is going to plead guilty in the college admissions scandal after all. Huh.

The Masked Singer revealed their winner last night and it was exactly who everyone thought it was.

Skeet Ulrich is claiming that he is leaving Riverdale because he got bored by it, but this sounds very much like a YOU DIDN’T BREAK UP WITH ME, I BROKE UP WITH YOU to me.

Oh lordt, they are turning Smash — a NOT GOOD show about a musical — into an actual musical. There was a Smash reunion, and we learned that the series was originally written for Showtime and had a LOT more sex in it, originally.

Here is a wonderful profile of comedy goddess Catherine O’Hara written by my pal Karen Valby.

So this isn’t exactly a TV story, but by now you might have heard about this whole Alison Roman/Chrissy Teigen/Marie Kondo mess? A brief recap if you haven’t: Alison Roman, a very talented food editor at The New York Times (and genuinely, you guys, her recipes are simple and healthy and super delicious — definitely give them a shot if you’re sick of your old recipes), gave an interview where she made some off-hand comments about Chrissy Teigen and Marie Kondo selling out. People were PISSED — especially after Chrissy Teigen tweeted that she was hurt by the comments — and a lot of people considered Roman’s statements racist since both Teigen and Kondo are of Asian descent. Roman profusely apologized to both women, Teigen publically accepted it, but The New York Times suspended Roman anyway.

And the reason I’m writing about any of this is that Chrissy Teigen tweeted that Roman should be brought back to the NYT because Chrissy Tiegen is a class act all the way:

Just the classiest.

Renewals

  • The Bold and the Beautiful has been renewed through 2022. Yay! I don’t even watch, but I firmly believe soap operas should be protected.

Cancellations

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • The Old Guard will premiere on Netflix on July 10:
  • RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars will return on VH1 on June 5.
  • Artemis Fowl will premiere on Disney+ on June 12.
  • Ramy will return on Hulu on May 29:
  • Royalties will debut on Quibi on June 1.

R.I.P.

Shad Gaspard, WWE wrestling star

David Hayman, Music supervisor on TV and movies

Ken Nightingall, Boom operator, famous for his work on Star Wars and known by fans as “Pink Shorts” (if you click on the link, it becomes obvious why)

WATCH THIS

Red Nose Day: Celebrities from all over the entertainment world raise money for children in poverty. 8 p.m., NBC

Celebrity Escape Room: Jack Black is the host and Game Master in this new special. 7 p.m., NBC

Labor of Love: Kristy Katzmann, a former Bachelor contestant, feels her biological clock ticking, and is looking not just for a husband, but baby daddy in this new dating competition. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Fox

Burden of Truth: Joanna and Billy disagree on how to handle their first joint case. Season premiere. 7 p.m.,, The CW

Holey Moley: More extreme mini-golf. It’s the closest we’re getting to sports, guys. Season premiere. 8 p.m., ABC

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Anthony Anderson, Michelle Dockery, Gary Clark Jr.
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Janelle Monáe, Patton Oswalt
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Steve Carell, Milky Chance & Jack Johnson
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Rob Gronkowski, Venus Williams, HAIM
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Kevin Hart
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
  • Watch What Happens Live: Ramona Singer, Pamela Anderson
THUR 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
(new)
Holey Moley
(new)
How to Get Away With Murder
(new)
CBS Young Sheldon
(repeat)
Man With a Plan
(new)
Mom
(repeat)
Broke
(new)
S.W.A.T.
(repeat)
CW Burden of Truth
(new)
In the Dark
(new)
News/Local
FOX Celebrity Watch Party
(new)
Labor of Love(new) News/Local
NBC Celebrity Escape Room
(new)
Red Nose Day
(new)
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