‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Performative art

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“The Show Must Go On”
May 14, 2019

We begin this episode with Lisa showing off her new VanderKitchen to that John Sessa guy (well, actually, we begin with Camille showing off her wedding dress to remind us again that she’s about to get married, but it’s like two seconds and that’s the entire story: Camille stands on a staircase in her wedding dress, the end). The VanderKitchen is lovely, bright, and very very Lisa.

Elsewhere, Dorit’s insufferable husband asks her how the camping trip went with the morbid curiosity of someone who has never been in a sleeping bag before. “HOW DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH NO SINK?” he shivers as she explains that there were public restrooms. And massages. And a climbing wall. And microwaves. And queen-sized beds.

You know, “camping.”

They also reveal that her insufferable husband will not be joining Dorit on her trip to Hawaii for Camille’s wedding, he’s just far too busy managing Boy George’s career. So Dorit’s mother will be coming in from Connecticut to help with the children, and by “help with the children” I can only assume she means “run roughshod over the team of nannies.”

Over at Kyle’s house, she, Rinna, and Teddi run laps in her backyard because they each had a bite of breakfast pie and now think they’re fat.

Meanwhile, Erika continues to not give a single fuck.

erika rhobh real housewives of beverly hills pie for breakfast

After, they discuss how much fun they had on the camping trip, and Teddi brings up Camille’s prostate exam revelation. She then complains, again, about Camille calling her a know-it-all. But is she going to the wedding? HELL YEAH SHE’S GOING TO THE WEDDING. If Camille didn’t want her there, she shouldn’t have invited her.

In the single most boring story of the week, Denise goes to Miami to film “an edgy, sexy, provocative” …. something. From what I can tell after 30 seconds of Googling, it might be a series called Paper Empire that doesn’t seem to have a network yet?

“Richards portrays the character of Bentley Fintch, described as ‘the fetching wife of billionaire money manager Laurence Fintch (Robert Davi), who has created the world’s largest Ponzi scheme.’ After Laurence is arrested, Bentley soon realizes the lost billions may not be gone after all – they may merely be hidden.”

teddi okay rhobh real housewives of beverly hills

Anyway, she says goodbye to Eloise and then has her husband drive her over to a friend’s house where her daughter Sam is getting ready for the dance Denise didn’t want her to go to because she’s too young to date. Sam and her friends are having their makeup and hair done by a glam squad — which, fun fact, glam squads account for a full 70% of Los Angeles’ entire workforce — and she tries on her dress for Denise. Denise then leaves for the airport in tears that she’s missing this big moment in her daughter’s life that she originally did not want her to experience.

On the way to the airport, Denise suggests to her husband that they have phone sex while she’s gone to remind us that they are sexy and in love and in that honeymoon phase, but he’s like, “Nah, I’m good.”

The main event of the episode is Erika Jayne’s concert at the Globe theater, and so we have to endure more rehearsal footage, in which her director yells at her backup dancers to exude “Big Dick Energy …”

pete davidson wink snl

Later, as Erika is getting ready for the show, Mr. Girardi stops by the dressing room to say hello and see where all of his money is going to, exactly. She coos over him like her sweet, dotty grandfather before shooing him away to the V.I.P. section so that she can finish getting dolled up.

best in show trophy wife so much in common

Meanwhile, Kyle, Mauricio, Dorit, and her insufferable husband go to the concert together, and in between Kyle telling the men about Camille’s way around a prostate, she explains to us that she and Dorit’s insufferable husband are fine now: he sent a text that said he was basically joking around and she needs to “drop it” now.

excuse me excuse you what bachelor petre

Uh, no? He doesn’t get to tell her when to stop being irritated with him for being an insufferable jerk? That’s not how this works?

But apparently, Kyle is ready to make nice instead of holding a grudge against him for the rest of her life the way I would, so I guess she’s not Italian.

ANYWAY. They arrive, a beponytailed Rinna arrives, Teddi and her husband Whatshisname arrive and they all watch the concert from a balcony. As the show begins, Teddi notes to her husband that despite the fact that he was a backup dancer fifteen years ago, she doesn’t think he has enough “big dick energy” he’s tall enough to be one of Erika’s backup dancers, which, frankly is just rude. But even he admits that he can’t do the death drops some of these boys are pulling, so no hard feelings, I guess.

And then, the big climactic moment of the episode happens: there is some sort of technical fuck-up, the sound dies, and Erika is left encouraging the crowd to clap their hands until the situation is fixed. Which it is. The end.

Backstage, she is again visited by the moldering corpse of her husband, who is now out far past his bedtime, but who is polite enough to stick around and say hello to the other women as they storm the area before making his escape.

best in show trophy wife very physcial

Kyle, who has had her share of tequila, attempts to steal a pair of Erika’s stage boots, before straddling her husband to make out with him despite the fact that he is sitting in the middle of a small couch squeezed between Teddi’s husband and Dorit’s insufferable husband.

i am so uncomfortable new girl

Teddi then decides to make the situation even more uncomfortable by revealing that she and her husband have sex to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the U.S.A.” and WORSE, that he only lasted that one song. And then to put the cherry on the top of this awkward sundae, Teddi’s husband proceeds to do an informal audition for Erika which mostly involves him grinding the floor.

grey's anatomy the problem is tequila drinking

The next day (?), Kyle and Teddi take their daughters for manicures and pedicures ahead of Kyle and Teddi’s trip to Hawaii. There, Kyle talks about how she’s worried her bridesmaid dress is not going to arrive on time because she, not liking the dress, passively-aggressively ordered it late. SPOILER ALERT: I have seen the preview for the next episode and it clearly arrives in time.

Teddi then appraises Kyle of the schedule of events for the wedding weekend, including paddleboarding and breakfasts and the long and short of it is they need about nine outfits for a four-day event.

Teddi also discusses how successful her business has become but how it’s difficult to manage the whole work-family balance and right on cue, her daughter begins whinging about Teddi going out of town for a few days. I assume this becomes an issue later because if not …

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Finally, in a not-at-all staged phone call, Lisa contacts Camille and invites her to come by. Camille does, and arrives wearing what I can only assume is the pelt of Cookie Monster himself, may he rest in peace.

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Camille shows off her engagement ring, and Lisa VanderAdmires it before moving on to the actual topic at hand: will Lisa VanderAttend Camille’s wedding? Camille is inviting everyone, and she understands if Lisa might be too uncomfortable to come.

Lisa jokingly — but not — suggests that Camille disinvite everyone else and only invite her but, for obvious reasons, Camille declines this suggestion.

Camille reminds Lisa that she knows what it is like to be the punching bag of the group and to not get along with everyone ~ TEDDI ~ but Lisa has been though too VanderMuch with everyone to just throw her friendships away. Lisa replies that they’ve all made her feel like a terrible person — what does she need to do to prove her innocence, take a lie detector test? Camille is like, “I mean, I think you just need to get VanderOver yourself and reach out to Kyle, your old friend, who misses you and is sad that you’re not in her life anymore. But you do VanderYou.”

Lisa insists she is VANDERDONE with Kyle, and their UK/US “special friendship” is OFFICIALLY OVER.

rhobh lisa vanderpump let the real bitches of beverly hills go on their way real housewives

On that note, Lisa wishes Camille a happy wedding and promises to see her when she returns.

24 Hours Later

Lisa is being hooked up to a VanderLie detector machine because if there is one thing Lisa Vanderpump knows how to do, it is how to hire attractive vapid idiots to staff her restaurants make good VanderTV.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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