The Bachelor
March 9, 2020
We are now in the Australian Outback — Alice Springs, to be precise, which I am familiar with thanks to The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, Terence Stamp’s second best movie.
Pilot Peter’s parents and his young brother Whatever His Name Is, are there with him, preparing to meet the final two women, Van Gogh and Purity Ball. He explains to them that both women made an impression on him: Van Gogh received the First Impression Rose, Purity Ball received the first one-on-one date. Pilot Mama asks if they have told him that they love him, and Pilot Peter explains that Van Gogh has, but Purity Ball has not. He also fills them in on the whole NO SEX ultimatum situation with Purity Ball, how he violated it, how she stayed anyway, and Pilot Mama is all, “Huh …”
But Pilot Peter, he’s in love and he’s NOT HEARING IT.
They’re going to meet Van Gogh that day. Pilot Peter describes her as “innocent but confident” and that she has a big heart. And Pilot Peter’s family is like, “OK, but does she give you sex ultimatums? Because if not, we pick her, she sounds great.”
Van Gogh comes in strong out of the gate, assuring Pilot Family that she is very much in love with Pilot Peter — in fact, those feelings began when he gave her the First Impression Rose. Van Gogh becomes choked up just thinking about how much she cares about Pilot Peter, which in turn causes Pilot Mama to become choked up and declare that the two of them remind her of herself and Pilot Papa thirty years ago.
Pilot Mama takes Van Gogh aside to chat, where she tells Van Gogh that she wants someone who will make her son happy and that it’s important that she never tries to change Pilot Peter and that Pilot Peter never tries to change her. Van Gogh sniffles that this process hasn’t been easy for her, but she wants Pilot Mama to know how much she loves her son.
Pilot Mama:
Van Gogh then speaks with Pilot Papa where she tells him that it was love at first sight for her, and that when she looks at Pilot Peter she sees her “heart partner.”
Me:
Pilot Papa:
Pilot Papa then chats with Pilot Peter where he’s like, “MARRY HER. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, BUD?” But Pilot Peter sighs that he is in love with (Purity Ball) two women and it’s SO HARD. GAH.
The next day, Purity Ball arrives to run through the gauntlet of fire. But before they go inside to meet the parents, they sit down for a chat where Purity Ball is like, “LET ME BE VERY CLEAR WITH YOU: THIS SUCKS. I was ready to marry you but then you went and slept with those other two women after I specifically asked you not to because you’re a selfish jerk and in closing: THIS ISN’T FUN ANYMORE.”
Pilot Peter counters with, “Yes, I definitely slept with them, but in my defense, you haven’t told me that you’re in love with me. So really, when you think about it, how could I have known that you’d really be upset about me doing the thing you specifically asked me not to do?”
Purity Ball points out that it’s KINDA DIFFICULT to commit to a relationship so someone who is dating two other people, and if she’s being honest here, she’s barely holding on by a thread. Pilot Peter has the audacity to ask her to meet him “halfway” and because she’s a good Christian girl, she doesn’t point out that option was taken off the table when he was halfway inside the other two women.
That was gross, and I am sorry.
Purity Ball insists that this isn’t about love, this is about “all the other crap” meaning her values and faith. But Pilot Peter, he’s still not getting it and, using her father against her, urges her to be that fighter for him that she was for her father when playing basketball with a missing tooth this one time. She falls for this bullshit, agrees that she’s strong-willed, and tells him that she felt safe with him when they were at the top of that building.
Pilot Peter then encourages her to go inside to meet his family, and in an interview chirps that he doesn’t have any concerns about his relationship with Purity Ball.
Purity Ball and Pilot Peter go inside and he apologizes for keeping them waiting. Pilot Peter explains that they had to have a long conversation thanks to hitting a “roadblock,” also known as Van Gogh’s and White Lives Matters’ vagines. Which, to Purity Ball’s immense credit, she spells out: “I told your slutty son not to sleep with other women but he couldn’t keep it in his pants and now we’re trying to work through it.”
Purity Ball visits with Pilot Papa first where he expresses his condolences for their relationship the fact that she and Pilot Peter seem to have been struggling, and asks if she thinks they are fundamentally compatible. She tries to argue that they could be: she wants to grow with Pilot Peter and for them to become better people than they were the day before. At the end of the day, she just wants what is best for Pilot Peter — that he is a special person who deserves to be with someone special.
Meanwhile, Pilot Peter’s brother calls him out on the idea that he could be with someone who wouldn’t go out line dancing with him all night (which: hilarious) and asks if he seriously thinks he could remain celibate until marriage, and Pilot Peter is like, “YEP!”
Pilot Brother:
Pilot Peter chats with Pilot Papa who is like, “ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS ONE?” And Pilot Peter pulls out the ol’ “YOU DON’T KNOW PURITY BALL THE WAY I KNOW PURITY BALL” card.
Meanwhile, Purity Ball is visiting with Pilot Mama and it is NOT GOING WELL. Pilot Mama cuts to the chase and asks Purity Ball about her faith and how it conflicts with Pilot Peter’s lifestyle. Pilot Peter is who Pilot Peter is and Pilot Mama is not going to let some holy roller come in and change him.
Pilot Mama then gives Purity Ball guff for giving Pilot Peter guff for having sex with other women and Purity Ball is like, “Look, you: my feelings are just as valid as his. All I did was tell him that it would make it difficult for me to move forward if he had sex with them, I had to be honest about my feelings. We all should be going into this with our eyes wide open.”
And you know what? Purity Ball is correct: her values are important to her and not being clear about her expectations would just lead to disappointment for everyone. But Pilot Peter’s family is also correct, too: These two have VERY DIFFERENT VALUES and it is not going to work out! EVERYONE IS CORRECT!
Except Pilot Peter.
After walking Purity Ball out to the car, Pilot Peter returns inside to find his mother sobbing. Pilot Mama tells him that Purity Ball is not “there for [him]” and that she prayed that God would guide him to find the right woman. “And good news!” Pilot Mama exclaims. “Van Gogh is right there! She’s an angel on Earth!”
Meanwhile, Twitter disagrees:
Barbara really said “God spoke to me last night and told me to tell you to pick the one that isn’t a woman of God”
God listening like: #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/ykvyBWHxFV
— Gianna Fernandez (@giannamonique1) March 10, 2020
Barb: “I asked God to send me a sign and He told me it’s Hannah Ann” #TheBachelor
God: pic.twitter.com/7adtaRmffP
— HOLLY (@hollyrsnipe) March 10, 2020
Barb: “All I can do is pray that God will send Peter a sign as to who the right girl is”
God: *presents a God-fearing woman who’s saving herself for marriage, will not compromise her God-based values and has a Bible verse tattooed on her arm*
Barb:#TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/FWrgTa6sSe
— Scott Thomas (@Ballfour15) March 10, 2020
Pilot Peter’s family sits him down and is like, “LISTEN. You have a perfect girl RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. WHY DON’T YOU SEE THAT VAN GOGH IS THE OBVIOUS CHOICE?” But Pilot Peter is all, “Y’all just don’t know. Purity Ball and I have a perfect relationship and have had zero problems i mean until the other day when she threatened to leave me because i did the thing she specifically asked me not to do”
Pilot Mama is REALLY INVESTED in this and begins crying about how Van Gogh is a dream come true and madly in love with him and that he must not let her go: “BRING HER HOME TO US,” she sobs — which is very creepy. Pilot Peter tells her to CUT IT OUT, and Pilot Mama backs down a bit, promising that she trusts whatever decision he makes.
The next day, Pilot Peter goes on his date with Purity Ball: a helicopter ride over Uluru, a rock formation that is sacred to the Pitjantjatjara Anangu, and I’m going to refrain from making a comment about taking the good Christian girl to a sacred pagan spot.
ANYWAY. The two then have a picnic where they toast with sparkling apple juice which honestly, is reason enough to shove her into the Go Away Now van.
Purity Ball tells Pilot Peter that the helicopter ride was beautiful and really made her think about the phrase “love conquers all.” She’s come to the conclusion that it’s all bullshit, that while they might love each other, they ultimately won’t be able to give each other what they need, and sometimes being a good fighter means knowing when to surrender.
Pilot Peter is like, “wait, what are you saying?”
Purity Ball explains that they want different things and that she doesn’t want to have to work hard to be in love.
Pilot Peter: “hold on, what are you saying?”
Purity Ball calmly explains for the fiftieth Goddamned time that they have very different lifestyles, ideas about marriage and she doesn’t want him to feel like he has to change to be with someone and she certainly isn’t going to change who she is to be with him.
Pilot Peter: “go back, what are you saying?”
Purity Ball tells him one last time that while she wants this with him she has to think about compatibility and she just doesn’t think that they are what is best for each other.
This finally breaks through Pilot Peter’s thick skull, and he understands that she is leaving now. There are a solid five minutes of them standing around sniffling and swatting flies away before she drives away forever. Or until the next two hours of this interminable finale.
The next morning, Pilot Peter still has another date to go on with Van Gogh, and so he mopes around shirtless in his hotel for a while, talking about how heartbroken he is. Eventually, he gets dressed and meets with Chris Harrison where he whines for a bit longer about how he was willing to overcome his differences with Purity Ball, SO WHY WASN’T SHE? But Pilot Peter insists that he is also in love with Van Gogh and he thinks he has to at least try to get over this. SO BRING ON THE BABY KANGAROOS. I GUESS.
Pilot Peter and Van Gogh go on their date which involves playing with baby kangaroos while Pilot Peter shrugs that he’ll try to make it work with her (but he doesn’t seem to mean it):
After they play with the baby kangaroos, Pilot Peter thanks her for always believing in them and being his “rock,” but Van Gogh can see through his bullshit and is like, “NOPE. SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT HERE.”
That night, he goes to her hotel room where he calls her his “rock,” again, She responds that she wants to be the person he loves the most (she’s not) and that she wants to be the person who makes him the happiest (she isn’t).
Pilot Peter sighs heavily that it’s been the hardest week of his life and while he’s never doubted anything with her he’s in love with someone else and she’s his second choice but he’s going to have to settle for her because choice number one is on a 14-hour flight back to Los Angeles right now being pulled in two different directions. Van Gogh admits that this isn’t what she wants to hear and that it hurts when she’s so sure and he’s not. It hurts to give and give and give and get nothing in return.
Pilot Peter calls her his “rock” again, which is definitely what every woman wants to hear, and then Pilot Peter takes his leave, thinking of new ways to fuck this whole thing up.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.