The Democrats have been working on this impeachment for a week … and … he just … he did it on the White House Lawn

Impeachment Corner is back leading the post today because HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS, the past 24 hours have been INSANE. I don’t even know where to begin, I just walk around laughing because what other response is there to this level of crazy?

is this real life david dentist

Alright. So, last I left you, President Screwsloose was meeting with the president of Finland, and the two of them did that thing where they took a few questions while sitting down — you know the routine. In that setting, the Dissembler-in-Chief ranted for a full 17 minutes about all kinds of crap, but mostly how much he hates Adam Schiff and IS SO MAD AT HIM. And also, too, he said that Schiff “couldn’t carry Mike Pompeo’s jockstrap” but he was too timid to say “jock” so instead he kept calling it “blank strap.”

This, minutes after tweeting “BULLSHIT” but sure, ok “jockstrap” is the offensive part of that statement. He also repeated that Schiff should be tried for treason and argued that he didn’t care about outing the whistleblower because in his mind they are a “spy.”

Also, this happened:

Alright, so, then President Gropey, he and the poor, poor president of Finland, they went and had their meeting. In the meantime, The New York Times reported that the whistleblower first took their complaint to the CIA, but then worried that it would be buried by the White House (which it would have been), so they went to a House Intelligence Committee aide who told them to lawyer up and go to the inspector general. The aide then told Adam Schiff this was happening — because as the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, he needed to know, and also that’s fine. Now, Schiff never learned the identity of the whistleblower and didn’t even know what was in the complaint, just that there was a complaint coming down the pike. But, these being terrible times, as soon as I saw this story, my response was:

blake oh no exasperated bachelor in paradise bip god dammit damn

Because I just knew the Illiterate-in-Chief and his lickspittles would attempt to spin this somehow that Adam Schiff did something wrong. LET ME BE VERY CLEAR: Adam Schiff did nothing wrong. He and his employees followed all proper procedures.

So then President DingDong, he comes out of his meeting with the president of Finland and they take more questions, this time standing at podiums. There, he was asked about Adam Schiff having learned of the report before it was officially filed and President Blank Strap, he claims Schiff WROTE the whistleblower report. Which 1. obviously that is not what the article reported and no he didn’t but 2. even if this is what happened, I need someone to explain to me how that somehow negates that everything in the whistleblower report has been confirmed by either the transcript of the phone call (which the White House released) or by the White House itself? THE WHISTLEBLOWER REPORT WAS ACCURATE ABOUT THE PHONE CALL.

And speaking of the transcript, President Can’t Read claims that it is “exact” and “word-for-word.” It is not, and it says as much explicitly. (Which leads to a bunch of questions about what has been left out of the transcript, by the way.)

But then! Things become SUPER CRAZY when a Reuters reporter asked President Four Loko what he wanted the president of Ukraine to do to Joe Biden and his son. President Snowflake doesn’t answer the question, so reporter Jeff Mason repeated the question a few more times, and President Travis Bickle fucking loses it. Watch this amazing clip:

you talkin to me taxi driver

Very stable genius.

Oh, and then after also talking about how he’s going to sue a bunch of people over this, and something about how Congress never served the Obama administration with subpoenas (which is categorically false), he abruptly ended the press conference by yelling at CNN.

ALSO, remember how I mentioned that the inspector general of the State Department called for an urgent meeting with members of Congress about “documents” and I was worried that it was about destroying said documents? WELL, NOPE. Instead, he gave them a packet of documents that was given to the State Department supposedly from the White House, documents that outlined some crazy-ass conspiracy theories about Ukraine and democrats and Killary or whatever. Oh, and you’ll never guess who gave them to the State Department. HINT: It wasn’t the White House:

rudy giuliani eyes crazy

Then last night, The Washington Post broke the story that Vice President Mike “Mother” Pence has been dragged into the whole mess. Seems one of his top aides was on the call with the president of Ukraine, and he received a briefing on the call. BUT THEN! Also! A couple of months before the phone call, President Collusion had Pence cancel his plans to attend the president’s inauguration (they sent Rick “Governor Good Hair” Perry instead, and hey, guess what, Democrats also want to talk to him) (Also: all of this is in the whistleblower report). Pence eventually met with President Zelensky on September 1, where he told him Ukraine would not be receiving the millions in aid that Congress had voted to give them until they investigated “corruption.” Now, Pence’s aides are claiming that he didn’t know what was meant by “corruption” and that he was just saying “corruption” generally BUT COME ON.

Meanwhile:

nancy pelosi sunglasses deal with it

And that brings us to this morning. Kurt Volker, the special envoy to Ukraine who was fired by Mike Pompeo, was deposed by the House Intelligence Committee and y’all, it’s early yet, but it sounds like he found a bus and he threw President Temper Tantrum directly under it. He shared text messages from another diplomat, messages that aren’t great for the argument that there was no quid pro quo:

But the truth of the matter is, none of this actually matters because President Obvious Crimes, on the White House lawn in front of cameras he asked ANOTHER country to investigate his political rival — and not just that, he did so after threatening that same country thirty seconds earlier.

So you know how we’re in a trade war with China right now? Yeah:

Just so we’re all clear what is happening here: Trump is calling for two different countries to investigate his political rivals while he’s is in the middle of an impeachment investigation into whether or not he asked a foreign country to investigate his political rival.

defeated shrug exasperated why sigh adam parks and recreation

It will only get crazier. Mark my words.

Actual TV News

We’ll start on a political bend just to make this a little more seamless:  This is a long piece about how news anchors are planning on covering this next election and what they learned from 2016 if you’re interested.

Fox News is no longer going to be “America’s Election Headquarters” for the 2020 election, but instead “Democracy 2020.” OH, THE IRONY IS RICH. AND THICK. AND RICH.

Fox News has fired Todd Starnes from Starnes Country on Fox News Radio after he had right-wing pastor Robert Jeffress on his show and the two of them agreed that Democrats do not worship a Christian god, but instead “worship the demon god Moloch.” This is not an Onion headline but it very well could be. Fun fact! Jeffress is the same lunatic that our president quote tweeted when he claimed that if he is impeached, there will be a civil war. He seems nice.

Wait, is there going to be more Twin Peaks? Because it sure sounds like there might be more Twin Peaks. Of course, putting out cryptic messages about another installment of Twin Peaks while not actually making another installment of Twin Peaks would be the most Twin Peaks, right?

Someone at Turner sobered up and realized that Snowpiercer needs to be on TNT, not TBS.

So, I get being mad that Latinos are not represented on Saturday Night Live — I’m a firm believer in “representation matters” — but being mad that Julian Castro wasn’t included in the Democratic debate sketch, when Amy Klobuchar and Michael Bennet and Steve Bullock and Tulsi Gabbard and all the other 457 candidates running for president weren’t included either, seems … silly. The writers chose candidates that were 1. frontrunners and 2. they could find something to make fun of. And while I like Julian Castro just fine, he’s not exactly newsworthy.

All that said, this is a good tweet:

A few bits of news about ghost shows, because I LOVE GHOST SHOWS:

  1. World’s Biggest Ghost Hunt: Pennhurst Asylum, a special that is going to air on A&E on October 30, is according to the network “the longest continuously filmed paranormal investigation in television history.” The special itself is only two hours long, but the investigators spent two weeks in the Pennhurst asylum investigating.
  2. Here’s an interview with Billy Tolley of Ghost Adventures talking about the upcoming “miniseries” Ghost Adventures: Serial Killer Spirits. First of all, it’s not a miniseries, guys, it’s just four episodes about four different serial killers. But second of all, I went to Zak Bagans’ (who is the host of Ghost Adventures) Haunted Museum in Las Vegas this past spring (STOP JUDGING ME) and I will say that the serial killer collection is extensive and upsetting and that there was something about the room and the area right outside of it, that made both my kid and I feel very woozy and uncomfortable.
  3. Speaking of Zak Bagans, he just bought Harold Ramis’ Ghostbusters costume and equipment and it’s going into the museum. (And if you’re into the horror/ghost thing, I do recommend the museum, if there’s any question.)

KEVIN IS COMING BACK TO SUPERNATURAL. Whoops, was that a spoiler? Sorry, but not really.

Renewals

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • My imaginary girlfriend, Phoebe Waller-Bridge is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend:

 

  • America’s Most Musical Family will debut on Nickelodeon on November 1.

R.I.P.

Kim Shattuck, Leader of the band The Muffs

Bill Bidwill, Owner of the Arizona Cardinals

WATCH THIS

Evil: A soccer player comes back from the dead. If I knew anything about soccer, I’d make some clever joke here, but I don’t so just imagine one.  9 p.m., CBS

The First Texan: This 1956 film that I have definitely not seen, is about the father of Texas, and our city’s namesake, General Sam Houston. Sadly, I doubt it involves the time Sam gave a deserving Congressman a beatdown with his cane on Pennsylvania Avenue. 5:30 p.m., TCM

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd, Angel Olsen
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Billy Bob Thornton, Beth Ditto, Lauv featuring Anne-Marie, Roy Mayorga
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Carrie Underwood, Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Cobie Smulders, Kristin Chenoweth
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Magic Johnson, Robert Iger, Anderson .Paak featuring Smokey Robinson
  • The Daily Show: Tyler “Ninja” Blevins
  • Lights Out with David Spade: Deon Cole, Todd Glass
  • Watch What Happens Live: Henry Winkler
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: America Ferrera
THUR 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Grey’s Anatomy
(new)
A Million Little Things
(new)
How to Get Away With Murder
(new)
CBS Young Sheldon
(new)
The Unicorn
(new)
Mom
(new)
Carol’s Second Act
(new)
Evil
(repeat)
CW The iHeartRadio Music Festival
(new)
News/Local
FOX Thursday Night Football
(live)
News/Local
NBC Super-store
(new)
Perfect Harmony
(new)
The Good Place
(new)
Sunny-side
(new)
Law & Order: SVU
(new)
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One thought on “The Democrats have been working on this impeachment for a week … and … he just … he did it on the White House Lawn

  1. It’s been 60 years but I remember my Texas history textbook saying that the father of Texas was Stephen F. Austin, not Sam Houston.

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