Bachelor in Paradise
August 26, 2019
It’s a new day in Paradise, but Charlie Brown’s Teacher is still moping about Red Flag choosing a woman over him …
Still! There’s hope on the horizon for Paradise’s Mr. Nice Guy. Turns out, Piggyback Ride has been reassessing her options since Charlie Brown came on the market, and believe it or not, she thinks the 32-year-old commercial banker (at least formerly — I have no idea whether he still is in banking or what even he meant by “commercial banker” and I have no inclination to look it up) might be a more stable and appropriate match for her than John Speedo Jones.
To this end, Piggyback Ride pulls a V-Card — but deliberately — in that she actively encourages him to go out with other women if he’s invited on dates. John Paul Jones, who is completely smitten with Piggyback, is like “… OK? I mean, I guess?”
And right on cue, the next arrival walks into Paradise: Tazhjuan from Colton’s season, whom I called Tazhjuan because she left the first night before I could christen her with something stupid. And BREAKING! Cowboy did not meet her at Stagecoach. I REPEAT: COWBOY HAS NOT HAD SEX WITH THIS WOMAN.
Tazhjuan has her sights set on John Paul Jones for reasons that are not immediately evident, and she takes him aside to chat where he is like, “yeah dude, so uh like, Piggyback and I have like a thing?” But Tazhjuan don’t care, as she explains in an interview in between bitching about how hot it is in Mexico in the summer, and how she had to take four different planes to get there and how her luggage was lost and long story short, SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT “GIRLFRIENDS” AND SUCH.
And to that end, Tazhjuan asks John Paul Jones to go on the date with her, and he’s like “Ya sure, cool,” before going back to his room for a quick shower and shave of his … let’s call it “Speedo zone.”
These two proceed to go on the best date not only this season but maybe in the history of this entire dumb series. It’s nothing special, just dinner — or “dinner” — but during it, John Paul Jones calls the date his first “Tazhjuan-on-juan,” which sends him into a fit of laughter that is so intense, it’s hard to believe it wasn’t chemically induced.
They come to realize they have something in common: her name comes from her father’s name, “Juan Carlos,” and Juan = John … you know, like “John Paul Jones.”
But then! In my favorite moment of the season so far, John Paul Jones does the unthinkable: he tries to eat the food. Tazhjuan, who understands that the rules say you are NEVER TO EAT THE FOOD, she warns him that he’s not allowed to eat the food! PUT DOWN THE FOOD! But John Paul Jones, he does not put down the food, instead lifting the food with a fork, and the food — or the “food” — it all comes up in one giant congealed glomp.
THE “FOOD” IS A LIE. DO NOT EAT THE “FOOD.”
John Paul Jones … y’all, he eats the “food.”
And then he begins, again, to choke and gag for the next five minutes, because as we learned in the first week, John Paul Jones has a delicate stomach which would make you think might give him pause before eating a giant clump of “food product.” It does not.
They are then treated to a private concert by a Mexican band, and John Paul Jones dances like a white boy.
And yet, in spite of all this, in spite of the maniacal laughter and the eating the schlop and the gagging and the dancing like a drunk uncle at a wedding, Tazhjuan is still interested in making out with this clown and proceeds to do so in some river. Fully dressed. He, however, prepared for Speedo time, so let’s go ahead and give him points for planning ahead.
Back in Paradise, the kids sit around discussing their worst kisses and both Another NBA Dancer and Piggyback Ride name the same person. And would it surprise you to learn that it was our virgin Bachelor, Colton? Because it absolutely should not.
Elsewhere, Miss North Carolina is feeling REALLY GOOD about her relationship with Kewpie Doll, but All-4-Wells is like, “Girl, no.” And Red Flag is like, “GIRL. NO.”
Based on their skepticism about Kewpie’s intentions, Miss North Carolina sits Kewpie down for a conversation about what he sees for their future. And to Kewpie’s credit, he’s like, “Look. I’m not into anyone else here, just you. But I gotta be honest: when we’re done with this nonsense, I’m getting into my van and not showering for 9 straight months and I just don’t think that’s your scene. I don’t want to go to dinner parties or talk about my feelings. I gotta be free, man.”
Miss North Carolina is SO CONFUSED as to why Kewpie even came to Paradise if he didn’t intend to leave with someone BECAUSE THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. But in Kewpie’s defense, he came in rocking that “I’m Just Here to Party” mustache, so she can’t possibly be THAT surprised.
Miss North Carolina goes to drown her sorrows at the bar, only to have Cowboy come over and attempt to comfort her with a hug. “Want to talk about it?” he asks as if he has ANY RIGHT TO SPEAK TO HER AT ALL. “No,” Miss North Carolina snaps, “and don’t hug me.”
Seriously, dude, read the room.
The next morning, John Paul Jones is inexplicably exhausted when the next new arrival shows up: Haley from Ben’s season of The Bachelor, or Twin #1, as I called her, as she was on The Bachelor, and seasons 3 and 4 of Bachelor in Paradise with her identical twin sister, Emily. Twin #2, however, found love with some hockey player who looks like he also could be related to the twins:
… and she will not be joining us in Paradise this season, unfortunately.
Twin #1, keeping on brand, is also interested in John Paul Jones and invites him on her date, and he accepts. This sends Tazhjuan — the woman who marched into Paradise some 16 hours earlier, yelling about how SHE DOESN’T CARE WHO WENT ON A DATE WITH WHOM, SHE’S GOING TO ASK OUT THE GUY SHE IS INTERESTED IN AND NO GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO STOP HER — spiraling into madness. (And hypocrisy.)
FIRST OF ALL, WHAT IS TWIN #1 EVEN DOING HERE WITHOUT TWIN #2? IS THAT EVEN ALLOWED?
SECOND OF ALL, TAZHJUAN AND JOHN PAUL JONES, THEY ARE SEAGULLS, AND TWIN #1, SHE IS JUST A PIGEON, AND A PIGEON CAN’T DATE A SEAGULL.
THIRD, IS IT HOT HERE? OH MY GOD, SHE’S DYING, IT’S SO HOT.
FOURTH, ARE THEY DOING SOMETHING FUN ON THEIR DATE? THEY’RE PROBABLY DOING SOMETHING REALLY ROMANTIC AND FUN.
FIFTH, MY GOD IT’S HOT. TAZHJUAN MIGHT PASS OUT. ~Tazhjuan stumbles and falls to the ground, paramedics are called~ IT’S SO HOT. CAN SOMEONE GET TAZHJUAN A GATORADE AND SOME GODDAMNED GUACAMOLE ALREADY? WITH CHIPS, PLEASE?
SIXTH, TAZHJUAN IS SO UPSET, SHE IS GOING TO SIT IN THIS SWIMMING POOL AND EAT A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI BECAUSE HONESTLY, WHAT ELSE IS LEFT?
Meanwhile, John Paul Jones and Twin #1 horseback ride to a secluded beach where he rubs sunscreen into her black box areas while apologizing to his mother (presumably not for the first time in his life).
When they return from their date, Tazhjuan is lying in wait for them, demanding to know what they did. “We went horseback riding,” John Paul Jones explains. “That sounds lame,” Tazhjuan hisses. “Did you kiss?”
“We did!” John Paul Jones admits, “It was just super fun.”
“YEAH WELL, WE ENDED UP IN A RANDOM RIVER IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND JUMPED IN NAKED,” Tazhjuan flatly lies to Twin #1, before adding, “I’m so glad you’re here, Twin #1. I was like ‘can I spit in her wine?’ It was a passing thought … I never would. Like, you’re a pigeon and we’re seagulls.”
Twin #1 excuses herself because she does not need this bullshit in her life, and tattles to Piggyback Ride that Tazhjuan just called her a “pigeon.”
Meanwhile, John Paul Jones tries to tell Tazhjuan that he had a great time with her but also a great time with Twin #1 and he’s enjoying their talk right now and as a man, he’s physically and emotionally drained.
“It’s like watching a human being buffering,” says the 15-Year-Old to whom I’m just going to turn over this entire blog.
Elsewhere, Piggyback Ride takes Charlie Brown’s Teacher aside to talk about his feelings and to plant the idea in his head that there are other possibilities for him in Paradise. Namely, with mixed-race women from California whose names rhyme with Payisha.
The next day is Rose Ceremony time, the men are handing out the roses, three pendejas are going home, and Olya Povlatsky, she has nyet intention to be one of them. When Cherry Popper takes Cowboy aside for their own “V.I.P. tent at Stagecoach,” i.e., some cheap champagne on one of the beach couches, she is allowed to talk to him for all of ten minutes before Olya shows up and demands to speak to him.
There, Olya, with a straight face, tells Cowboy that it would be wrong and misleading for him to give Cherry Popper his rose tonight if he doesn’t RIGHT NOW in THIS VERY MOMENT see himself marrying her. Instead, he should just give Olya his friendship rose. Really it’s the kindest thing to do for Cherry Popper.
Cowboy then sits Cherry down and is like, “I am on a one-man mission to make everyone on this show loathe me and so to that end, I’m probably going to give Olya my rose instead of you even though just moments ago I assured you that you would be receiving it. I am an idiot and do not know how interpersonal relationships work at all.”
Elsewhere, John Paul Jones asks Red Flag if she’ll come talk to him, irritating Kristian who has no idea what a yahoo John Paul Jones is. Their talk devolves into a wrestling session, which further OUTRAGES Kristian, who for reasons is fully convinced that Red Flag could be tempted away by the likes of Shaka Brah over here. So Kristian stomps over, puts an end to their puppy romp, shoos John Paul Jones away, and explains to Red Flag that she’s just REALLY INSECURE RIGHT NOW. Red Flag is like, “Wait, about John Paul Jones? HIM? No. But really, no.”
As for John Paul Jones, he’s busy doing cartwheels on the bach with Tazhjuan when Twin #1 approaches. Tazhjuan starts up with her whole “YOU’RE A PIGEON AND WE ARE SEAGULLS,” nonsense again, to which Twin #1 is like “Again, what? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?” Before wondering if Tazhjuan is aware that seagulls are trash birds too?
But John Paul Jones, he’s interested in neither seagulls nor pigeons, just one Piggyback Ride who has turned her attention to Charlie Brown’s Teacher, bumming JPJ out.
Meanwhile, it’s Miss North Carolina’s birthday, and to celebrate it, Kewpie brings her a cake (cupcakes? I neither know nor can be fucked to figure it out) and has the entire group sing “Happy Birthday.” You know, the bare minimum. But it is enough for Miss North Carolina to beam that Kewpie made her birthday special, and to muse that she’s really falling for him.
Elsewhere, V-Card is still anxious that Smug Chris is going to give Flipper his rose because blah blah who cares blah.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME, FINALLY. LINE UP, SEAGULLS:
Red Flag: Kristian
Humphrey Bogart: Empty Gift Box
Play-Doh: Miami Mami
Mike Johnson: Another NBA Dancer
Kewpie: Miss North Carolina
Cowboy: OLYA POVALTSKY
Charlie Brown’s Teacher: Piggyback Ride (which causes John Paul Jones’ eyes to twitch)
John Paul Jones: Twin #1
Smug Chris: V-Card
Which means, we must say adios to three women: Cherry Popper, Flipper, and gone-far-too-soon, that lunatic, Seagull.
BUT! We’re not done with the episode, because as soon as the Rose Ceremony is over and Las Pendejas are pushed into the Vete Ahora vans, Kewpie asks Miss North Carolina if he can talk to her privately, and we end on a ¡TO BE CONTINUARÁ!
Girl … they tried to tell you …
The rejects still in Paradise:
The rejects who have been further rejected:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.