‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: A Fishy Situation

The Real Housewives of New York
“Shark Bait”
April 3, 2019

We begin this episode on something of a weird note: Tinsley and Mother Dale go to a dermatologist so that Tinsley can be treated for Botox for her crippling TMJ. It’s so bad, Tinsley explains, that she would have to swish with vodka to numb the pain.

jon hamm sure ok right sarcastic
Yep. THAT’S what the vodka is for.

Tinsley adds that she first experienced TMJ during her deeply unhealthy and abusive relationship in Florida Palm Beach fracas, and that it’s been flaring up again lately, even though the only stress in her life is Scott. ~cough cough~

Anyway, she gets the Botox shots in her jaw and then a shit ton of cosmetic shots into her forehead because that’s what she was really here for in the first place.

Elsewhere, Ramona and Sonja go for a walk in the park where Sonja yammers about how loud her Columbus Circle apartment is — GO FIGURE — and Ramona tells her about her disastrous blind date with the Mansplainer who had LOTS of ideas about marriage without ever having been married. They also discuss Dorinda and The Countess’ recent lunch, without having been there themselves, and presume that everything is great now and that their upcoming trip to the Berkshires should be JUST FINE, because when has anything ever gone wrong in the Bezerkshires?

Over at Bethenny’s, she takes a break from watching her assistant pack for her pre-Berkshires trip to go to Boston to see her new boyfriend, so as to talk to a grief counselor about her concerns about having a new boyfriend so soon after Dennis’ death.

So Norman the therapist comes to her apartment — and I am going to pause here to note that I did not know therapists did house calls, but I suppose when you’ve got a busy schedule filled with watching your assistant pack a suitcase, you pay the extra for such personalized treatment.

After talking a bit about her struggle to figure out where she belonged in Dennis’ life and how much she is allowed to mourn him as just the girlfriend and not the ex-wife, Bethenny begins revealing deeper issues: she feels guilty that she wanted out of the relationship at the time of Dennis’ death, and she’ll always wonder if she had anything to do with his overdose.

kenan thompson yikes snl

She then moves onto safer territory, wondering if it is appropriate for her to be dating, and Norman assures her that loving again is paying tribute to Dennis and their relationship. And I say this as someone who has lost someone she was in love with unexpectedly: that is a very nicely wrapped piece of bullshit. But, hey, if it makes Bethenny feel better …

So, Tinsley hosts a doggie fashion show, because she belongs to a particular category of rich white women who have too much time on their hands and nothing real to worry about so they spend their time putting purse dogs in sweaters and making their friends watch the be-sweatered purse dogs walk down a catwalk. See Also: Doggie Weddings; Doggie Funerals. Tinsley is very honest about the purpose of the doggie fashion show: she is trying to claw her way back into New York society circles, and what better way than shoving purse dogs into tiny sweaters and inviting other rich white ladies to pay to go to a “fashion show?”

Tinsley convinces Ramona, Sonja, Dorinda, and The Countess to participate in the “fashion show,” with their own dogs, except for poor Dorinda who just lost her dog of 15 years the previous weekend. THIS IS VERY SAD. And it is even sadder when Dorinda reveals that she had a dream in which she saw her dog on the couch with her dead husband.

Things are still a bit tense between The Countess and Dorinda, but The Countess agrees that she is going to the Berkshires that weekend regardless. Dorinda excitedly tells the women about the things she has planned for the weekend, including having a “naked chef” cater dinner, which can not possibly be hygienic. NO, THANK YOU, SIR, PLEASE PUT ON SOME PANTS BEFORE YOU SERVE ME THAT CHICKEN PAILLARD.

So they doggie fashion show and Ramona manages to not be a fucking weirdo this time.

NEVER FORGET.

After the fashion show, Ramona and Sonja’s dogs are in a tiny car, where Sonja’s dog begins enthusiastically humping Ramona’s dog and all I can do is wonder where on Earth you buy a tiny car for purse dogs. I am going to give up blogging and go into the tiny cars for purse dog business.

After, the ladies (except for Dorinda who heads up to the Berkshires to decorate her house for Halloween — but adding Bethenny who skipped the doggie fashion show because WHY WOULDN’T SHE) have a lunch on one of Ramona’s friend’s yachts.

On the yacht, the ladies discuss this “naked chef” situation, which leads to a conversation about those naked lady sushi table arrangements which, again, NO THANK YOU, MADAM. PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR PANTS AND SERVE ME THE SUSHI ON A PROPER PLATE, THANK YOU. This, obviously, leads to a discussion of fish and vaginas and vaginas that smell like fish at which point our hostess serves the platter of sushi.

The conversation then, somehow, turns to Tinsley’s relationship with Scott. And poor Tinsley. You know, it’s hard, sometimes, to remember that this woman is my peer, she is essentially my age, thanks to the way she self-infantilizes by the way she dresses, the way she behaves with her mother, and the way she behaves with the other women whom she treats as a gaggle of overly-involved aunts instead of telling them to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER LOVE LIFE, IT’S NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS.

Long and short of it: they — and by “they” I mean all of the old RHONY biddies — think that Tinsley needs to give Scott an ultimatum: propose or it’s over. Tinsley tries to explain that it is not that easy, what with the living in different cities thing and the having completely different careers (or “careers”) thing and the whole IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS thing. But, again, because she projects this whole “I’m a 25-year-old dum-dum” vibe, all these ladies have ideas about Tinsley, Scott, and how she needs to get married RIGHT NOW to make the frozen babies.

I don’t remember the women telling Bethenny or Dorinda or Sonja or Polish Princess Carole that they needed to give their boyfriends ultimatums and get married — in fact, everyone told The Countess to NOT MARRY THAT GUY, but that fell on deaf ears and my point is, this is both intrusive and stupid, and the only thing worse than having your mother harass you about your relationship is having four elderly aunts harass you about your relationship all at the same time.

But also, too, Tinsley, tell them IT’S NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS.

Onto the Berkshires where Dorinda’s sister shows up to drop off some vegetables and criticize Dorinda’s Halloween decorations before her guests arrive.

Tinsley, Ramona and Sonja drive up together, Ramona offering a heady mix of driving tips and criticism for their driver because Ramona is just a goddamned nightmare all of the goddamned time.

The women arrive, and upon seeing Dorinda’s collection of Spirit Halloween decorations, they begin screaming like lunatics. But to Ramona’s credit, she does point out that one of Dorinda’s decorations looks like Bethenny crying …

… and she’s not wrong.

Inside, Dorinda informs the women that the “theme” of the weekend is going to be “GOOD VIBES ONLY,” a sentiment that is immediately violated when she informs Sonja and Ramona that they will be staying in the “Fish Room” and they refuse. They suggest that instead, Bethenny should stay in the Fish Room, since she’s the last one to be arriving, but Dorinda explains that Bethenny specifically asked for Dorinda’s daughter’s room, and since she’s in mourning, Dorinda was inclined to fulfill this one request. Ramona and Sonja then suggest that Dorinda put The Countess in the Fish Room and then put their luggage in some other room to cement their claim to it.

That evening, Dorinda, Ramona, Sonja, and Tinsley meet The Countess for dinner at a nearby hotel, where Dorinda informs them of their schedule for the weekend, which involves yoga, visiting a nearby Morgan estate that Sonja has never been to before, and, of course, the hygienic nightmare that is the Naked Chef. The Countess asks if Dorinda would please schedule a massage for her, because, apparently The Countess is under the impression that she’s a paying guest at a hotel and also she’s THE WORST. But Dorinda agrees to make it happen, desperate to return to good footing with The Countess.

Dorinda then excuses herself to the bathroom, where The Countess grouses that she better not be in the fucking Fish Room, causing Ramona and Sonja to erupt in some overly hysterical cackling. “I CAN’T BE IN THE FISH ROOM,” The Countess exclaims, only sending Ramona and Sonja into louder cackling. “I MISSED THE JOKE,” The Countess huffs, before declaring that if Dorinda thinks she’s putting her in the Fish Room, she has another thing coming. SHE HAD A HANGOVER IN THAT ROOM, SHE CAN’T POSSIBLY STAY IN THERE AGAIN. AND ANYWAY, IT’S A TERRIBLE ROOM DESIGNED FOR A BOY CHILD, NOT A COUNTESS. AND ANYWAY, WHY DOESN’T BETHENNY STAY IN THE FISH ROOM, AFTER ALL, SHE’S ARRIVING AFTER THE COUNTESS, SHE SHOULD HAVE TO TAKE THE DREGS.

Dorinda returns to the table to find The Countess in a huff about the Fish Room, and insulted, she explains that there’s not a bad room in her home, that every room is a “half a million-dollar room,” whatever that means. Tinsley, tired of the bickering, offers to take the Fish Room, only to have The Countess sneer THAT’S NOT THE POINT, THE POINT IS DORINDA HAS SOME NERVE TO DARE TO PUT THE COUNTESS IN THE GOD DAMN FISH ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

FISH!

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

Leave a Reply