‘The Bachelorette’: Suite relief

The Bachelorette
July 15, 2019

SPOILER ALERT: Hannah does, indeed, get down in the Fantasy Suites. At least some of them.

Hannah is on the Isle of Crete for an unprecedented FOUR Fantasy Suite dates, having found herself unable to choose between Dummy #1: Shower Jesus and Dummy #2: Guitar Guy.

why-dont-we-have-both

She then tries to tell us that the “Fantasy Suites aren’t about sex,” before moments later singing that she’s “gonna get down in the Fantasy Suites.” WELL, WHICH IS IT? HANNAH? Oh, and she also explains that the Fantasy Suites are a chance to get “real and raw,” something you’re going to hear A LOT in this episode because the Secret Word is “RAW.”

peewee secret word screaming ahh

Fantasy Suite Date #1: Pilot Peter. They meet for a borrrrrring boat date while Pilot Peter yammers on about how he intends to “strip down every wall” and get “totally raw” with Hannah.

peewee secret word screaming ahh

Also: gross.

arrested development michael tobias phrasing tape recorder

They do absolutely nothing but make out on the boat. Like I said, the date, it’s very boring.

That evening, they have dinner where Pilot Peter and Hannah say a bunch of boring words at each other about how their boring feelings are growing stronger before Pilot Peter gets to the damn point, and tells her that he loves her. That achievement unlocked, Hannah offers him the Fantasy Suite date card and Pilot Peter enthusiastically accepts.

Their date is in a windmill.

SPOILER ALERT FOR LATER IN THE EPISODE:

hannah i fucked in a windmill the bachelorette

TWICE.

sonja what surprised shocked rhony reunion

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So, yeah, this date, it goes well for Pilot Peter and Hannah.

As she leaves in the morning, Pilot Peter muses that they “came together so much … ”

arrested development michael tobias phrasing tape recorder

… and that it’s difficult for him to imagine that anyone will have as special a time with Hannah (much less twice as special, right, Pilot Peter?).

hannah bachelorette wink

Fantasy Suite Date #2: Footloose. Hannah explains that the dynamic with Footloose is different: it’s easy, fun, and relaxed but she’s worried that their physical connection is too strong. GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. WHERE IS THE PROBLEM?

They go to a couples massage, where at one point he sneaks off of his table to replace Hannah’s masseuse and begins fondling her legs. This leads to making out on the massage table before, presumably, the spa employees come in and hose them down.

That evening, Footloose wears the Brotherhood of the Traveling Salmon Jacket jacket, thereby answering this mystery once and for all:

WONDER NO LONGER, FRIENDS. (Also, Footloose was wearing it in his cast photo, so it was never a mystery to begin with.)

Over dinner, Hannah explains that she’s confident in their physical connection, which is why they will not be exploring it in the Fantasy Suite that night, a result I’m certain Footloose did not see coming. But Footloose, he handles it like a goddamned feminist champion, assuring Hannah that he wants to respect her boundaries and would never pressure her to do anything she didn’t want to.

beyonce feminist

And then they spend the night together on a houseboat where everyone’s boundaries are respected. Twice.

The next morning, Hannah reaffirms that all boundaries were very much respected and that she thinks it was the “hottest thing” and left her wanting more. I mean, I can think of plenty of things that are twice as hot as NOTHING, but at the same time, I give her credit for wanting to focus on making an emotional connection with this walking set of abs and teeth. It’s the mature if BORING thing to do.

Fantasy Suite Date #3: Guitar Guy. Hannah and Guitar Guy crash some random Greek family’s “spontaneous” party. There, Hannah is unexpectedly grilled by some Greek woman who wonders if Hannah “understands from the first look” when “her man” has come into her life. And Hannah is all, “UMMMMMMM …” Prompting the skeptical Greek woman to be skeptical.

retta um no unsure skeptical

It also gives Guitar Guy pause, which isn’t particularly hard since he’s still all wounded that Hannah couldn’t choose between him and Shower Jesus — even though he left a girlfriend back home to be on the show SO, YOU KNOW. And in fact, after they are done drinking Ouzo with the locals, Guitar Guy asks her WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS SHE THINKING KEEPING THAT SHORT-ASS, ‘ROID-POISONED, HOLIER-THAN-THOU MOUTH BREATHER AROUND? Hannah explains that she has felt a connection to Shower Jesus from the beginning and she’s just trying to figure out their relationship. Despite the mountains and mountains of evidence to the contrary, she is convinced that he’s a good man, and she sees sides of Shower Jesus that every single other person who has ever spent more than two minutes with him does not. And in conclusion, everyone needs to back the fuck up and let her figure this out for herself.

Guitar Guy accepts this as an answer, for the moment, and they move on to the evening portion of the date. There, Hannah thanks him for bringing his concerns about Shower Jesus to her — even though she spent the entire first 3/4 of the season screaming at everyone else who tried to do the exact same thing. She clarifies that she believes that his concern is coming from a genuine place, but reiterates that he needs to trust her.

Guitar Guy is like, “Yeah, cool, I get that, but you keeping around the Toxic Avenger reflects badly on me, makes me question your decision making and makes me want to pull back on all of this.”

“OK GREAT,” says Hannah before storming away from the table for a commercial break. As he follows her out, Guitar Guy monologues that he told her the “raw honest truth about Shower Jesus,”

peewee secret word screaming ahh

She returns to the table where she’s like “DUDE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO TRUST ME AND LET ME FIGURE THIS OUT?” And Guitar Guy, sensing that if this continues to go downhill, he might have just talked himself out of a Fantasy Suite date, begins to back peddle that he just cares about her and doesn’t want to see her get hurt. He adds that they should make the night about just them — this after having spent literally the entire day and most of the evening talking about a rage muppet who wasn’t even in the room.

This is all Hannah wanted to hear, and she offers him the Fantasy Suite date card, which he happily accepts. And considering her tweet:

… it would appear boundaries were definitely crossed.

hannah bachelorette wink

Fantasy Suite #4: Shower Jesus. Hannah and Shower Jesus — or Pocket Hercules as my husband took to calling him, a nickname I wish I had all season — take a helicopter over to Santorini where they admire the distinctive architecture and dance to some accordion music.

After, Hannah tells him that his hometown was great (was it?) and he claims that he believes he is looking at his wife, right after assuring her “dropping the ‘L’ word is a huge deal” for him.

OH? OH IS IT? BECAUSE TELLING HANNAH YOU WERE FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER WAS LITERALLY YOUR ONLY “TALENT” IN THE PAGEANT IN THE FIRST WEEK OF THE SHOW.

crazy pills

Ugh, this fucking guy.

That night, though … THAT NIGHT, THOUGH.

So Hannah and Shower Jesus sit down to “dinner” where, after a toast to a beautiful day and coming to a better place in their relationship, Shower Jesus yammers for a while about being a “spiritual leader” in his family, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean, before announcing: LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX.

Oh, yes. Let’s.

Shower Jesus explains that sex is a beautiful thing, as long as it happens within the confines of marriage. Shower Jesus understands that Hannah is not a virgin, and he graciously and benevolently does not demand she retire to a convent. That said, he’s been a revirgin for some 3.5 years now, he’s saving himself for marriage, and he is very confident that they are on the same page about this but he needs to hear it from her mouth. Because the thing is? He’s seen people on this show say they are Christians and then say that they are excited to go the Fantasy Suites to explore the intimate sides of their relationships, and THAT’S JUST WRONG AND BAD AND WRONG and something that he doesn’t think she — Hannah — should be doing. And he just wants to make sure she’s not going to be sexually intimate with the other dudes. He has all the trust in the world that she is not being a whore, he just needs to be certain, because if she told him that she had sex with one or multiple other guys, he’d want to go home right now.

oh really miss j hmm skeptical

But Hannah, God bless her, Hannah finally FINALLY has the veil lifted from her eyes, and she calmly explains that she does not agree with anything he just said and in fact, WHO THE FUCK DOES HE ACTUALLY THINK HE IS TALKING TO HER THAT WAY AND JUDGING HER, HE’S NOT HER HUSBAND. Hannah then points out that she appreciates that he believes having marriage outside of marriage is a sin, but guess what, motherfucker, so is pride.

Shower Jesus, realizing that he done stepped in it, begins trying to talk himself out of it, but the best he can come up with is insisting that in the impossible, crazy, utterly unlikely situation that she has had sex with all three of the other men, he’d be “willing to work through it” with her.

Hannah is all, “I’M A GROWN-ASS WOMAN WHO CAN MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS ABOUT HER BODY BECAUSE I AM NOT STRAPPED TO ANY MAN RIGHT NOW, INCLUDING YOU.” Shower Jesus sighs that he doesn’t want to be misconstrued again because it happens a lot …

look at the gaslight jordan klepper opposition

But Hannah, she no longer is staring into the gaslight and is like, “NO, BITCH, THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID. THOSE WERE YOUR WORDS.” Shower Jesus tries to explain himself — he understands if she has a “slip-up,” but if she slept with all three of them? Just to see what it was like? Well, that … that would be beyond the pale.

dowager disapproves

Hannah tells Shower Jesus that she had the closest thing she’s ever felt to love at first sight with him, but then everything went to shit, and the fact of the matter is she has been ignoring all of the red flags because she had hope that it could work out between them. But here he is, judging her and making her feel like a failure as a woman of faith, holding her to a standard that he couldn’t live by. Yeah, maybe he’s abstaining from sex, but he has a WHOLE LOT OF OTHER BULLSHIT GOING ON, and so while he might want to “x” her off because she has had sex, there are so many things she could have sent him home for. For instance, she would like to be with someone who doesn’t have anger issues, someone who gets along with other people, a man who doesn’t have a comically-inflated sense of pride.

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Hannah demonstrating how every person watching this show has felt every time she offered this asshole a rose over the past 8 episodes.

Shower Jesus AGAIN tries to clarify what he meant: listen, if she’s slipped up and had sex with one of the other men, they can work through it.

Hannah is all, “DUDE, QUIT SAYING ‘IF I SLIPPED UP.’ You keep acting as if you are making the decisions here, you’re not. And, Christian boy, how about that story in the Bible about the woman who was caught being an adulterer — you know the one where Jesus told the crowd, ‘He without sin, cast the first stone’? You know it, right? Because it sure looks like you are looming over me with a stone in your hand.”

Hannah then adds, “YOU KNOW WHAT? They all tried to tell me that you were a disrespectful asshole, and they were right. But at least I can say that I have given this my all. I have cried and screamed and prayed for clarity, and I can now say that I finally got that clarity once and for fucking all. I do not want you to be my husband.”

Shower Jesus’s little pinwheel brain spins on this for a few seconds before asking for a “chance to speak,” but she’s like, “Well, first of all, I’m pretty sure you’re going to tell me again that we can get past my ‘slip-ups’ and we’ve already been over that, but second of all, what part of ‘I do not want you to be my husband’ did you not understand? No. Get the fuck out of here.”

Shower Jesus insists he wants to “share a few words with her,” but she’s like, “nope, it’s over, let’s go.” This fucker refuses to get up, and tells her that he feels like “she owes him at least a few minutes to share his thoughts …”

Hannah:

barry lily demonic screaming angry mad

 

After explaining to this entitled piece of shit that she owes him nothing, Hannah is finally able to convince him to walk to the GET YOUR SLUT-SHAMING JUDGMENTAL SHORT ASS OUT OF HERE FOREVER van, only to have him put the cherry on the cake by mansplaining that he doesn’t even care about what she said to him back there, about how she has clarity on this, because she doesn’t. And there is something in him that is refusing to let him get into the GET YOUR SLUT-SHAMING JUDGMENTAL SHORT ASS OUT OF HERE FOREVER van.

Hannah replies that she can get him into the van, before announcing that in fact, she has had sex here. And Jesus still loves her. From what he just said to her, learning that she fucked in a windmill, he’ll probably want to leave.

hannah i fucked in a windmill the bachelorette

TWICE.

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Hannah then adds that her husband would never say what he said to her. And this piece of work right here, HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO ASK IF HE CAN PRAY OVER HER BEFORE HE LEAVES.

daenerys angry kill bill sirens crazy game of thrones

Shower Jesus finally, FINALLY gets into the GET YOUR SLUT-SHAMING JUDGMENTAL SHORT ASS OUT OF HERE FOREVER van, and Hannah, though it took her eight episodes too long, she sends him off with my spirit animal:

hannah the bachelortte the finger fuck you.gif

And Hannah, she explains that she feels a weight has been lifted off her shoulders, she’s just so relieved she will never have to deal with him again. Y’ALL, NO ONE SHOW HER THE TEASER FOR THE NEXT EPISODE.

bless your heart real housewives of dallas

But the drama didn’t end with Shower Jesus offering to pray over Hannah, as this idiot tried to faith-shame her on Twitter:

teresa sociopath

For some reason, seeing the other men from her season back her up in this Twitter spat, it made me have feelings:

And while I was checking out those tweets, I discovered that between his respectful treatment of Hannah in this episode and this tweet, I am legitimately in love with Footloose. I was not prepared for this development.

what-is-happening

Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:

 

 

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Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” The Beast. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:

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The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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