The Bachelorette
June 11, 2019
Last we left our Beast and her suitors, Hannah was frustrated with the whole Shower Jesus vs. Nick Viall, Jr. mess and the producers suggested she decided to resolve this by talking to the two men privately, which is where we begin this episode.
Instead of asking the other men what they saw, she invites these two to talk with EACH OTHER about what is happening, because listening to these two bicker will definitely be enlightening and not infuriating at all. Nick Viall, Jr. accuses Shower Jesus of lying about his tequila business and by telling Hannah that he tried to force Shower Jesus to talk him up.
Shower Jesus counters that Nick Viall, Jr. “strongly advised” him to talk to Hannah on his behalf, and Nick Viall, Jr. is like, “YEAH, I STRONGLY ADVISED YOU TO TELL THE TRUTH.” Shower Jesus insists that he just doesn’t think that Nick Viall, Jr. is here for the “right reasons” and that he doesn’t think that Nick Viall, Jr. is a good fit for Hannah — AS IF HE GETS A VOTE — and the two continue to snipe at one another until Hannah realizes having the two of them fight it out in front of her was a terrible and irritating mistake and gets up and leaves.
Not that the bickering ends once she is gone. Nick Viall, Jr. sighs that he came on the show to try to fall in love and that it is a real shame that a lying liar like Shower Jesus managed to derail that. And also, Shower Jesus kneed him in the head, so. When Shower Jesus claims he was just trying to step over Nick Viall, Jr., Nick Viall, Jr. tells him he’s so full of shit that it is coming out of his ears. And that’s when Chris Harrison interrupts to tell them to return to the other men, Hannah is not coming back to talk to them because who could listen to any more of this, honestly.
Chris Harrison then informs all of the men that they’re heading straight into the rose ceremony because Hannah is SO TIRED OF ALL YOU CLOWNS.
But before Hannah can hand out the first rose, Nick Viall, Jr. asks to speak to her privately. There, he apologizes if he was the cause of any of her pain during this crap week, it’s just been a bummer to have to constantly defend his character against a meat-faced sociopathic Neanderthal. Anyway! Hope she makes good decisions! And with that, Nick Viall, Jr. leaves this shitshow.
When Chris Harrison returns to the rose ceremony room to remove one of the roses, all the other men realize that Nick Viall Jr. self-eliminated and are like, “GREAT JOB, SHOWER JESUS. HOPE YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED, ASSHOLE.”
And then it’s time to shed some more dead weight:
Rose #1: Pilot Peter
Rose #2: Vocal Fry
Rose #3: Humphrey Bogart
Rose #4: The Tony Robbins Fan
Rose #5: Mike Johnson
Rose #6: Fumbles
Rose #7: Not a Virgin
Rose #8: The Dude
Rose #9: Shower Jesus
Which means, goodbye Johnny Appleseed. Thanks to Shower Jesus and his shenanigans, we never had the chance to watch you tell Hannah that you’re a father ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN TIMES over. Which is a shame, because I would have really have liked to have seen that conversation. And goodbye John Paul Jones. I don’t know what your whole deal is, but I suspect we’ll learn more about it on Paradise this summer.
After the rejected men leave, Hannah tells the rest that they are going to Scotland. And then Shower Jesus, FROM WHOM NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ANYTHING, offers a toast to the other gentlemen, “To finding your forever, and having the time of our lives while on the hunt.”
The other men:
Hannah arrives in Scotland first and compares herself to Mary, Queen of Scots. That Mary, Queen of Scots. You know, the one who got her head lopped off.
The men arrive and are put up at the Achnagairn Estate, some twenty minutes outside of Inverness, and far too fancy for the likes of these dum-dums. After dropping off their stuff, they are driven into town where they are met at a pub by Hannah. She delivers some very muddled message about how they need to be real and they should consider this a refocus and a reset, a new start in a new country. And with that, she invites Mike Johnson to go on the first one-on-one date with her starting right now.
Shower Jesus:
Mike Johnson and Hannah wander around Inverness, stopping in a candy store, and book store, doing a whisky tasting, before eating some haggis at a pub. You know, Scottish stuff.
That night, Mike Johnson begins by asking Hannah about herself and her past — and again, I have to point out that this is something that we rarely see contestants on these shows do, actually express interest in who the Bachelor or Bachelorette is as a human being and allowing them to talk about themselves for a change. Yay, Mike Johnson. Anyway, Hannah opens up about how she realized in the last couple of years that she had been living her life man-to-man and adapting herself to those relationships, and not loving herself enough.
As for Mike Johnson, he reveals that he loved one woman and when they broke up, it took him a long time to recover. But he wants Hannah to know that he is a grown-ass man who knows what he wants and that he is ready to get down on one knee in a few weeks if he is so lucky.
Hannah offers him the rose, because how do you not offer the rose to Mike Johnson? But I have to say, while Mike Johnson spends the date beaming from ear to ear, clearly having a great time and being a delight, you can tell Hannah just isn’t as into him as he is in her. She was funny and charming on the date, but that twinkle that she gets when she’s with Guitar Guy or Pilot Peter or Footloose — it’s just not there with Mike Johnson. And what I am saying is MAKE MIKE JOHNSON THE NEXT BACHELOR, ABC. MAKE HIM THE NEXT BACHELOR OR WE BURN IT ALL DOWN.
Back at the Estate, the men grumble about Shower Jesus, nicknaming him the “Luke Ness Monster,” which I have to admit is pretty good. When the date card arrives — “Not a Virgin, Footloose, Guitar Guy at the Party, Humphrey Bogart, The Dude, Vocal Fry, The Tony Robbins Fan, Pilot Peter, Fumbles, Arnold Palmer: Love is a battlefield. Hannah” — everyone realizes that Shower Jesus has received the final one-on-one, sending them on a rollercoaster of emotions. On the one hand, SHOWER JESUS HAS THE ONE-ON-ONE AND THEY DON’T, but on the other hand, Shower Jesus won’t be on the group date, blatantly lying about everyone and everything, making obnoxious toasts and kneeing people in the head. And maybe, just maybe, if she’s alone with him, she’ll see for herself that he’s a total “douche canoe,” as Not a Virgin puts it.
Meanwhile, in front of all the other men and the cameras and God herself, Shower Jesus says that he is stoked to receive the one-on-one date so that he can figure out whether or not he even wants to be here anymore. NOTED, ASSHOLE.
As for the group date, Hannah introduces the men to two very hairy Highlanders who explain that they are going to be participating in Highland games, including ax throwing, some sort of milk race, and wrestling — the latter made much more exciting as it is done in traditional Scottish garments worn traditionally.
Basically, there are a lot of black boxes thrown around, and many shocked parents.
Eventually, Guitar Guy is declared the “winner” and the group is allowed to put their undergarments back on.
That evening, Guitar Guy is the first to chat with Hannah, and he shows off his prize: a square foot of land, making him Lord Guitar Guy. He seems to think being a British Lord involves calling servants for grapes … which … I mean, I don’t remember a lot of scenes of Lady Mary requesting that Carson bring her grapes, but maybe Guitar Guy has seen the director’s cut of Downton Abbey, or something. Hannah, so turned on by land ownership and grapes, straddles Guitar Guy for a makeout session — a session that poor Fumbles fumbles his way onto, much to his regret.
Hannah then makes out with Pilot Peter on a pool table, which is just a lot of alliteration.
But she’s not done, as she also makes out with Arnold Palmer and Footloose, who has returned to his kilt for maximum access. Bonus points to Footloose for mishearing her when she said, “You’re the only one who whacked your ax,” as “You’re the only one who can wax my ass.” OK THEN.
When it’s all said and done, Hannah gives Guitar Guy the date rose because he’s landed gentry, after all.
After the date, Hannah notes that she had a great time with the men, and she would be “ignorant” (her word, not mine) to not notice that Shower Jesus was nowhere to be found.
Speaking of Shower Jesus, he and Mike Johnson get to spend some quality time together while the rest of the men are rolling around with their sporrans out. Mike Johnson asks Shower Jesus about saying that he might not want to be here anymore, and Shower Jesus, with a straight face, claims he never said that. BUT YOU DID. YOU SAID IT ON THE CAMERA AND EVERYONE HEARD YOU.
Later, the two are forced to sit and wait for the date card to arrive, but when it does, instead of reading it out loud for Shower Jesus as is traditionally done, Mike Johnson just gets up and leaves the room.
Mike Johnson for President.
As for the date card, it reads: “Let’s figure this out one way or another.” But this narcissistic sociopath right here, he literally reads it as “one way or another, we’ll get through this.” NOPE. NOPE. THAT’S NOT WHAT IT SAYS. TRY AGAIN. THIS TIME TRY LOOKING AT THE WORDS, YOU NUTJOB.
On his way out to the date, Shower Jesus makes sure to try to make fun of the other men for wrestling in kilts and they’re like, ALRIGHT, ASSHOLE, JUST BE SURE TO KEEP OUR NAMES OUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS DATE.
As for the date itself. Hoo boy.
Hooooo boy.
Hannah meets Shower Jesus at a crumbling castle on the coast — the site of which is making the mom in me VERY NERVOUS (GET AWAY FROM THAT CLIFF, HANNAH), where Hannah sits him down for a picnic. There, Hannah tells Shower Jesus that she wants to make sure they are on the same page, that the fact that none of the other men like him, it bothers her. Shower Jesus tries to claim it all goes back to the rugby tackle on Nick Viall, Jr. and that he felt the need to tell her that he didn’t think Nick Viall, Jr. was here for the right reasons. Shower Jesus assures Hannah that he never worries about their relationship, but in the heat of the moment, he just felt he needed to tell the truth.
Hannah is like, “Yeaaaaah, but it’s not just the Nick Viall, Jr. thing, right? All the guys hate you. Every single one.” Shower Jesus tries to claim that Mike Johnson twists his words, and that Not a Virgin and Humphrey Bogart, they just seem to have problems with him and amplify every little thing he says in a negative way. But don’t worry, he’s never going to quit fighting for her.
Hannah again stresses that she is looking for someone that people like, someone people are drawn to. And this jackass, he says with a giant, completely uncomprehending grin that everyone he has ever met, every place he has ever been, everyone loves him. Hannah can barely contain her rage nausea and is like, “LISTEN TO YOURSELF. JUST STOP AND LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. YOU SOUND LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.”
Shower Jesus, frustrated that she isn’t simply dazzled by his giant pecs and shiny teeth and willing to eat up anything he says, urges her to just get on with the date already. Hannah refuses to move on, though, and is like, “OK, BUT HOW DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE YOU FEEL? HOW DOES ANY OF THIS AFFECT YOUR HEART AND MIND?” Shower Jesus claims that it doesn’t affect him; he’s there for her, he’s not going to lose focus on that. “OK, BUT AREN’T YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT INTERESTED IN HOW ALL OF THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL??” she demands to know. When Shower Jesus just returns her question with his big dumb retriever stare, Hannah gets up and walks away because Jesus Christ, this guy.
She then literally goes to the producers and asks them to tell him to tell her how he’s feeling.
The producers:
So Hannah marches back over to him where Shower Jesus promises her that he’s doing everything in his power to make all of this easier for her and she’s like, “I JUST NEED MORE FROM YOU. I WANT TO KNOW NORMAL STUFF, LIKE WHICH YOU PREFER, MACARONI OR SPAGHETTI?* YOU KEEP GIVING ME SOUNDBITES OF THINGS THAT YOU THINK I WANT YOU TO SAY, INSTEAD OF ANYTHING REAL.” And so Shower Jesus promises to never say anything she wants him to say which is not what she was getting at, but ok.
*She actually used this as an actual example. It is actually important to her to know if he prefers Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or Ragu. You know, the stuff that really matters in a relationship, because if he answers this one wrong, IT’S OVER.
Hannah explains to us that she’s very conflicted: her head wants to send him home but her ladybits heart wants him to stay. WHAT TO DO?
Ugh.
So they go to dinner, and Hannah, she is still fed up with this violent idiot and she does not hide it. She opens by telling him that the date, it did not go well, and in a rare moment of honesty, Shower Jesus admits that he feels like he’s on thin ice with her. “BECAUSE YOU ARE,” she replies.
Hannah tells him that she believes there is a great man inside of him (there is not), but that she doesn’t feel she can reach him because he keeps putting walls up in an attempt to protect his true self, lest it’s not as perfect as the facade he wants to project. She wants a real man, a man with flaws, and he’s sitting here trying to tell her he doesn’t have any.
And oh my God, this entire relationship, it’s one big metaphor for Trump and Red America: he’s a moron with a narcissistic personality disorder who is constantly trying to convince the world into believing that he is perfect, the best, flawless, because his ego is so damaged and fragile that to be confronted with the reality that there are flaws there would be catastrophic for him. So he lies, he blusters, he puffs up his chest, he tears down others, anything to protect the lie that he is perfect. Meanwhile, Blue America, the men, are screaming their heads off at Red America, unable to believe that she is being bamboozled by this fraud, and utterly beside themselves that she could see anything in him at all.
But she does, even when he gaslights her by saying that the reason that she isn’t able to see the real him is not because he’s not being forthcoming with her but because she’s not being the real her with him.
He then asks her which she prefers, macaroni or spaghetti how she finally opened up when she was a contestant on The Bachelor, and she tells a long story about how until she was in that situation, she had never had any problems with any other girls. But it took her realizing that she had to tear down her own walls and be herself and stop trying to be perfect that she was able to get through.
Shower Jesus, he nods and listens and then insists that it’s just that the other men are talking shit about him, that he is the victim of their jealousy or whatever. Shower Jesus claims that he is being real and raw with her, but she’s like, “NO YOU ARE NOT. I want to know how you feel, I want to know what makes you angry, I want to know what your relationship with your father is like**, I want to know what has hurt you in the past that you still struggle with to this day.”
**DING DING DING
Shower Jesus responds by complaining about the struggle they continue to have in their relationship, and how he is worried about having the woman of his dreams slip through his fingers, adding that he can say that he loves every. single. thing. about her. Hannah is like, “I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM NOT PUTTING ON A SHOW HERE. I am some days on my knees praying in church and on other days a devilish bitch. Also, I’m not a prize to be won. I’m concerned that this is about you defeating the other men, of being a WINNER! more than it is about any sort of relationship between the two of us because THERE IS NO REAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.”
“Me too!” Shower Jesus claims, but Hannah is like, “THAT’S FINE FOR YOU TO SAY, BUT YOU’RE NOT OWNING UP TO ANY OF IT. OWN YOUR FLAWS. AND TELL ME WHICH PASTA YOU PREFER.”
He refuses to admit that he has any flaws. He refuses to tell her which pasta he prefers.
Hannah tells Shower Jesus that she tried so hard on this date, but that he’s just not giving her what she needs. He wonders if they had enough time together, and she’s like, “Bitch, you’ve had exactly as much time with me as everyone else has. The problem is you. I gave you a chance to give me ‘clarity’ on the whole macaroni/spaghetti issue but you didn’t deliver. This was a shit date and I can’t give you this rose.”
DUN!
Except. Don’t get too excited. It sure looks like he’s still around in the next episode. On the upside, we might solve this pasta mystery in the near future.
Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:
Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” The Beast. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.
OMG. This girl. She is the Bachelorette that Trump’s America deserves. Also, poor Mike. Somehow that man has genuine feelings for this clown of a woman.
My poor ancestral homeland. I guess with all of the injuries to date on the show they couldn’t risk the caber toss.