‘The Bachelorette’: Release the Beast

The Bachelorette
May 13, 2019

Like most Bachelor viewers, I was disappointed to learn that show’s producers chose Hannah Brown to be the next Bachelorette. I had my reasons: on account of her being a mumbly idiot, for spending the majority of the season on The Bachelor in a mean girl fight with another woman out of what appeared to be a fit of jealousy, and for this:

I just did not relish the idea of spending a season watching Hannah unhinge her jaw or calling herself “THE BEAST” for reasons that are still not obvious to me — I mean, aside from the whole jaw thing.

But we must play the Bachelorette we are dealt, not the one we wish we had. And so I promise to not complain about Hannah again until she does something completely stupid. So any second now.

To begin this season, we relive AGAIN, the moment when Chris Harrison called Hannah to inform her that she was going to be The Bachelorette, which should not have come as much of a surprise considering there was an entire camera crew in her home filming her receiving the phone call. I mean, what else did she think they were doing there, exactly?

She and Chris Harrison then drive around Tuscaloosa just to really hammer home the point that Hannah is a good Southern girl who is just like you: awkward and goofy and bumbling and she doesn’t know what to do with her hands and a former Miss Alabama. The Bachelorettes! They’re just like us!

We then send her to California to pose on the beach and to look pensively over the city of Los Angeles from the Mulholland hiking trails while she yammers generically about wanting to be herself and find love and BLAH BLAH BLAH EVERYTHING EVERY OTHER BACHELORETTE HAS EVER SAID BLAH. I’m convinced the producers have four or five “Intro to The Bachelorette Season” scripts that they just cycle through.

Hannah then squeezes into her First Night dress while her fellow Bachelor contestants, the hilarious Red Flag, and less-hilarious V-Card, look on and offer encouragement. Can’t wait to see you in Paradise ladies, and I’m not even being a little bit facetious when it comes to Red Flag.

Then it’s time for The Video Packages of the Only Men You Really Need to Pay Attention to and at Least One Guy Who Will be Eliminated within the Next Ninety Minutes:

Tyler C., 26, Jupiter, FL is a contractor who claims to have been only two classes away from a dance minor in college. And I suppose those were the two classes where they actually taught how to dance because his little tribute to Footloose is less Kevin Bacon and more drunk uncle at your cousin’s wedding who knows that y’all laugh at the way he dances but is convinced that this time, THIS TIME, he looks fantastic.

Peter, 27, Westlake Village, CA is a pilot and the son of a pilot and a flight attendant. He dive bombs the Bachelor McMANsion in his plane, threatening to come for Hannah. The McMANsion did not survive wildfires just to have some dummy in a plane crash into it, please and thank you.

Mike Johnson, 31, San Antonio, TX but is originally from Dallas, which I don’t even hold against him because he has a great smile and he loves his grandmother. Also, he’s a portfolio manager which means that he walks around in public talking on his cell phone doing Serious Business.

Joe, 30, Chicago, IL is the self-described “box king.” But unless he is a Japanese cat named Maru, I beg to differ.

Matt Donald, 26, Los Gatos, CA is not a farmer, despite his video package that really plays up the name thing. Instead, he’s a medical device salesman whose parents and older brother are all deaf. He seems like a very nice person, but can we talk about the fact that there is a town in California named “Los Gatos?” Was the town founded by cats? Was it overrun with cats? Do they worship Maru and Grumpy Cat (R.I.P.)? THERE IS A STORY BEHIND THAT NAME AND I NEED TO KNOW IT.

Connor J., 28, Newport Beach, CA is a car salesman whose mother’s family is from Hong Kong and whose father is “blond,” which is not a specific ethnicity. Upsettingly, his grandmother wants him to settle down with a “sexy” woman according to his bio. No.

Luke P., 24, Gainesville, GA claims he’s an “importer/exporter” presumably at Art Vandelay Industries. (Google it, children.) Luke would like you to know that he knows he’s attractive and that he has made the sex with MANY women. But then one day in the shower, Jesus told him to cut it out with all the sex with all the women — a story which we obviously illustrate by having Luke take a shower, because how else are we supposed to understand this profound moment in his life?

Between his shower visit with Jesus and the fact that he also now has a baby niece, he is pretty certain he is now marriage material.

And then it’s time for the first night and the limousines full of dudebros and awkward introductions and the heavy scent of flop sweat and Tom Ford Noir Extreme.

Garrett, 27, Birmingham, AL, Golf Pro. And you’ll never guess how he introduces himself, unless you guessed with a bunch of bad golf puns in which case you’re right.

Mike Johnson, see above. Mike explains that he believes in the “Five Cs: character, charm, charisma, consistency, and compassion.” Alright, cool it with the self-help hoo-ha, stick with the smile.

Jed, 25, Nashville, TN, Singer/Songwriter. Oh, God, he’s going to bust out a guitar at some point, isn’t he?

Tyler C., see above. Footloose threatens that he “has something in store” for her. OOH, I HOPE IT’S A DANCE PERFORMANCE.

Dylan, 24, San Diego, CA, Tech Entrepreneur. He’s the guy in the white dinner jacket. Humphrey Bogart here says something completely unmemorable about her being authentic, maybe? I can’t remember. I literally just rewatched it and I can not remember.

Connor S., 24, Dallas, TX, Investment Analyst. Connor doesn’t step out of the limo, but instead jumps climbs over the Bachelor fence. See, because Colton jumped over a fence on The Bachelor when that one girl dumped him and Hannah was all, “I want someone to jump a fence for meeeeee!” and so even though Colton jumping the fence was the act of a humiliated man trying to escape the glare of the reality show cameras in his most vulnerable moment and ultimately an indictment on not just the show and its producers but on all of us for being vultures preying on these people’s emotional turmoil, we have decided instead to interpret this to be some big romantic gesture which it absolutely was not. Anyway.

Devin, 27, Sherman Oaks, CA, Talent Manager. Devin opens by claiming that he’s a virgin, but haha, not really. Cool joke.

John Paul Jones, 24, Lanham, MD, John Paul Jones. John Paul Jones. John Paul Jones. John Paul Jones.

Brian, 30, Louisville, KY, Math Teacher. He loses his words.

Scott, 28, Chicago, IL, Software Sales Executive. This fucker right here says something about looking for a life partner. OK. I GUESS WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT. SCOTT.

Matteo, 25, Atlanta, GA, Management Consultant. I’ve already forgotten what this guy’s face looks like. Here are the three bullet points on his bio:

1. Matteo once competed in a talent show where he chugged a gallon of milk in ten seconds.
2. If he could have any job in the world, he would be a firefighter.
3. First item on his bucket list: take someone to a ball in a castle.

A few responses:

1. Gross. That’s not a talent.
2. BREAKING NEWS: You can be a firefighter if you really wanted to, you’re not five anymore.
3. This is not a genuine answer. This is something some dum-dum who wants to sound like he’s romantic would put down on his Bachelorette questionnaire.

Daron, 25, Buckhead, GA, IT Consultant. Daron is excited to go on this adventure with Hannah. He should have opened with the fact that he is a globally-ranked Guitar Hero champion.

Tyler G., 28, Boca Raton, FL, Psychology Graduate Student. Tyler tells Hannah that she is the girl of his dreams, which is a more interesting ice breaker when you know that he’s studying psychology. Tell me more about these dreams, Dr. Freud.

Thomas, 27, Detroit, MI, International Pro Basketball Player. ACTUALLY, he’s now a recruiter for the energy business, but he used to play basketball overseas because presumably he was good, but not good enough to be recruited by the NBA. He says something unmemorable.

Matthew, 23, Newport Beach, CA, Car Bid Spotter. No memory of this guy at all. According to his bio, he “works in the family business of car auctioneering,” but he also grew up on his family’s winery “and would love to join that business some day.” Sooo … wait. What does his family do?

Joe, see above. A box is delivered in front of Hannah. Maru jumps out.

Joey, 33, Bethesda, MD, Finance Manager. This one steps out of the limo with a baby’s car seat which he then reveals is actually carrying a bottle of champagne.

Connor J., see above. He comes out of the limo speaking French with a not-particularly-good accent. Je ne sais pas ce qu’il dit et je m’en fiche.

Ryan, 25, Philadelphia, PA, Roller Boy. Roller Boy arrives on roller skates. Duh.

And then the pun portion of the evening begins:

Hunter, 24, Westchester, CA, Professional Surfer. Hunter arrives with a tie in hand and some dumb pun about tying the knot. Dude, YOU ARE A SURFER. WORK THAT ANGLE, BABY.

Grant, 30, San Clemente, CA, Unemployed. Ok, first of all, this chucklehead comes in with a hot dog and making bad sausage, mustard and ketchup puns.

Second of all, his bio is FILLED with red flags like: “Grant is the real-life ‘The Dude.'” “He loves to impress the ladies with his surprisingly good dance moves and is hoping his blunt realness stands out to Hannah” and “Grant has a hard time believing that any young guy who comes on ‘The Bachelorette’ is ‘here for the right reasons,’ and he plans to call them out on it.” So he’s here to start fights for screen time, got it.

Third, UNEMPLOYED? AT THIRTY?

Jonathan, 27, Los Angeles, CA, Server. Not to be outdone with the food puns, this guy shows up with a pizza and offers Hannah a “piece-a of [his] heart.”

Kevin, 27, Manteno, IL, Behavioral Health Specialist. Kevin exits the limo with a bunch of footballs, and then announces that he “fumbled that introduction.” 

Luke P., see above. Luke climbs out of the sunroof of the limo growling and yelling about “beast mode.” I am already exhausted. He then announces that he is the “king of the jungle” and wants her to be his “queen.” Oh, and  Luke here is one of the five men Hannah met at the “After the Final Rose special,” but he didn’t do a terrible rap, so I had forgotten about him. He should have led with Shower Jesus.

Luke S., 29, Washington D.C., Political Consultant. Hannah also met Nick Viall, Jr. at the Special, so they don’t have much to say to one another.

Dustin, 30, Chicago, IL, Real Estate Broker. Hannah also recalls meeting Dustin at the “After the Final Rose Special,” and he’s very pleased. However, ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! I just checked out Dustin’s bio and he apparently “loves Tony Robbins.” OH NOOOOOOO.

Cam, 30, Austin, TX, Software Sales. And then there’s this asshole. You know, the one who “raps.” As a Texan, I formally apologize to the rest of you for this nonsense. He was given a rose at the “After the Final Rose Special” so we are subject to his “rapping” for at least this and one more episode. THIS IS WHY MOMMY DRINKS.

Matt Donald, see above. Matt Donald, leaning fully into his name, arrives on a tractor and wearing a very terrible hat. Again, he’s a medical devices salesman and in no way is affiliated with farming.

Chasen, 27, Ann Arbor, MI, Pilot. This is not the pilot we met in the earlier video pieces but a different pilot who shows up in regular guy clothes and gives Hannah a paper airplane. Oh, Chasen. You’re “Chasen” second place in the pilot contest.

Peter, see above. And hilariously, the producers follow Chasen’s entrance with Peter’s, who arrives in full pilot’s uniform and who proceeds to give Hannah a pair of his wings. It’s been nice knowing you, Chasen.

That’s all 30 Bachelors, so after a little self-motivating speech about how she’s good enough and smart enough and gosh darnit people like her, Hannah goes inside toasts the men and is immediately snatched away by Shower Jesus.

Shower Jesus tells Hannah that she’s the “most beautiful girl” he’s ever seen, which is laying it on a bit thick, but not as thick as telling her that the first time he saw her on Colton’s season, he thought she could be his wife. ALRIGHT, CALM DOWN, SJ.

As for Mike Johnson, when he has a moment with Hannah, instead of yammering about himself, he — and this is revolutionary — he asks Hannah about herself and what she feels she’s struggling with. She opens up about her insecurities and he offers her words of support. He’s my favorite. Shame he’s going to be banished to Paradise within 4 to 7 episodes.

That French-speaking dork, he throws the Bachelorette a “bachelorette party” complete with dumb games and I admit this begrudgingly, it’s not a terrible gambit on his part.

When Vanilla Ice has a moment alone with Hannah, he argues that it is their second date and goes in for a kiss, which she obliges. GIRL. NO. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME. HE’S THE LITERAL WORST.

Then suddenly Chris Harrison is up in here with the First Impression Rose even though we still have an hour left?

And that’s when an unmarked white van pulls into the driveway containing my friends, Red Flag, and V-Card. Red Flag explains that a friend of a friend of a cousin of a friend sent her a series of text messages revealing that one of the Bachelors had been texting with his girlfriend THAT WEEK about how he was going to take her on a trip as soon as he was done filming. Their mission today is to go through the live feed, find this man, and give Hannah the heads-up that he’s not there for The Right Reasons.

Never mind the fact that the producers could have settled this in no time by showing Red Flag the guys’ headshots. Or, even more likely, never mind the fact that there is no way the producers didn’t know about all of this and set this whole thing up so that Hannah could look like the tough, I’m-not-gonna-take-no-shit, strong woman when she “learned” about this and dumped this asshole as a means to try to win over female audiences who are still lukewarm about her being the Bachelorette.

But whatever.

Red Flag identifies Scott as That Cheating Asshole, and Chris Harrison marches inside to collect Hannah to the alarm of the other men. Out at the kidnap van, Red Flag reveals to our Bachelorette that this Scott asshole has a girlfriend back home and Hannah is NOT. AMUSED. (Not that she was going to pick this Scott asshole in any event, but still.)

Hannah stomps back inside the McMANsion and barks, “HEY SCOTT, WE NEED TO TALK.”

The other men:

Outside, Hannah confronts this Scott piece of shit about the text message exchange between himself and this woman who clearly thought she was his girlfriend as of Monday (whenever Monday was relative to when this episode was taped — Wednesday? Friday? Saturday? we have no idea what day it is is what I’m saying, not that it much matters) and he’s all, “I mean, I don’t have a ‘girlfriend’ right now, but if you’re asking me if I HAD a girlfriend as of Monday, you’ve got me there. Also, you were just dating Colton a couple of months ago, so how is it any different? What was I supposed to do, break up with my girlfriend forever just because I was going on a dating show?”

Hannah is NOT AMUSED, especially by the comparison to her having been on The Bachelor, and she sends him packing.

Hannah returns inside where she is all, “THIS PIECE OF SHIT HAD A GIRLFRIEND BACK HOME AND SO I SENT HIM BACK TO HER AND IF ANYONE ELSE HERE IS HIDING A SPARE GIRLFRIEND, Y’ALL MIGHT AS WELL GO ON HOME NOW, TOO. GET TO STEPPIN’. NO? FINE. I’M GOING TO GO STAND BY THE POOL AND CRY OVER THIS FERRET-FACED NOBODY WHOM I SPENT ALL OF TEN MINUTES WITH AND WHO I WAS NEVER GOING TO CHOOSE ANYWAY AND WAIT FOR ONE OF Y’ALL TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE TO COME TALK TO ME. BYE.”

With that, Hannah goes outside to stand by the pool to cry over this ferret-faced nobody whom she spent all of ten minutes with and who she was never going to choose anyway. Shower Jesus gives her about three minutes by herself before going outside to check on her because he is that guy who feels compelled to post FIRST!!!1!1!!!! in the comments of any post. She explains that she doesn’t know any of them or what their intentions are, but Shower Jesus assures her that he’s not here to “win a couple of roses.” Oh good! But are there men who go on The Bachelorette to collect roses?

Hannah then visits with a few other men, including Nick Viall Jr., the fence jumper — whom she kisses — and Guitar Guy at the Party, who, obviously, busts out a guitar.

But the first impression rose goes to Shower Jesus, so I suppose being FIRST!!!!!1! does pay off sometimes.

With that, the rest of the men are forced to line up for the first (sorta) rose ceremony of the season, and I’m forced to come up with some dumb nicknames for them to help us remember who is who. These nicknames are obviously subject to change:

Rose #1: Mike Johnson
Rose #2: Fence Jumper
Rose #3: The Car Auctioneer/Winemaker
Rose #4: Parlez-vous français?
Rose #5: Guitar Guy at the Party
Rose #6: The Tony Robbins Fan
Rose #7: Champagne Baby
Rose #8: Not a Virgin
Rose #9: Pilot Peter
Rose #10: Humphrey Bogart
Rose #11: Milk Guzzler
Rose #12: Pizza Heart
Rose #13: Footloose
Rose #14: Dr. Freud
Rose #15: Guitar Hero
Rose #16: Nick Viall Jr.
Rose #17: Arnold Palmer
Rose #18: The Dude
Rose #19: Fumbles
Rose #20: John Paul Jones

Which means goodbye to Brian the math teacher who could not find his words (which is ironic considering how ineloquent Hannah is herself); Surfer Who Brought a Tie for Some Reason; Maru; Roller Boy; Former Basketball Player; Matt Donald; and Other Pilot who gets choked up thinking about how “perfect” Hannah is. Girl, no.

Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:

 

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Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” The Beast. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:

 

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The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.