Today was a solemn and quiet day here in Houston as we honored one last time our adopted son, President George H.W. Bush, and laid him to rest. Even for a liberal bomb-thrower like your trusty blogger, it was a day that felt big, important, memorable. And so, of course, OF COURSE, today is the day ABC decided to release the names of the 30 idiots who have signed up to date the monosyllabic virginal Bachelor, Colton Underwood, resulting in a severe case of Current Event Whiplash for your trusty, and bomb-throwing blogger.
But here they are, in all their toothy glory along with the most interesting fact about them that I could find on ABC’s website. Good luck and Godspeed, ladies.
CAELYNN
23
Miss North Carolina 2018
Charlotte, NC
This asshole apparently once went all the way to Japan for a first date — A FIRST DATE! — so she seems grounded and reasonable.
DEMI
23
Interior Designer
Red Oak, TX
One of the things we learn about Demi is that she can drive a stick shift. Why this is an impressive or even interesting fact about her remains a mystery.
ONYEKA
24
IT Risk Consultant
Dallas, TX
Onyeka’s parents are originally from Nigeria but apparently raised her in Kansas which is … a choice.
TRACY
31
Wardrobe Stylist
Los Angeles, CA
Tracy is a “wardrobe stylist” which you probably already guessed based on this very well-thought-out outfit in her profile picture featuring a blazer over bicycle shorts and a tube top.
ERIKA
25
Recruiter
Encinitas, CA
Erika claims her friends call her “The Nut” because she is a “ball of energy with a great sense of humor.” I’m already exhausted.
LAURA
26
Accountant
Dallas, TX
Laura once moved to Spain on a whim but then returned home to Texas because who can stay away from the splendor of Dallas?
ALEX B.
29
Dog Rescuer
Vancouver, BC
Alex has reportedly traveled the world looking for dogs to save from slaughter, and to date has rescued over 5,000. While this is a noble cause, I have many questions including “how is this a paying job” and “what does she do with the dogs she rescues” and “aren’t there enough dogs in Canada that need saving that she doesn’t need to travel the world?” YES, YES, YULIN DOG FESTIVAL, I WATCH THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS, TOO, but still.
NICOLE
25
Social Media Coordinator
Miami, FL
Nicole is described as “a fun and energetic Miami native.” Fun fact: there is literally no other kind of Miami native.
BRIANNA
24
Model
Los Angeles, CA
Brianna’s (or Bri, according to ABC’s site) biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. A quiet fart on a date, though, that’s cool.
CAITLIN
25
Realtor
Toronto, ON
Caitlin likes “singing in the shower.” OK.
COURTNEY
23
Caterer
Atlanta, GA
Courtney runs a catering company that produces healthy meals for athletes which seems really specific to me.
ALEX D.
23
Sloth
Boston, MA
“SLOTH” IS NOT A JOB. I REPEAT, “SLOTH” IS NOT A JOB.
SYDNEY
27
NBA Dancer
New York, NY
Sydney has never had a boyfriend, and I’m not saying that’s a red flag, I’m just saying what? how? 27? what?
ANNIE
23
Financial Associate
New York, NY
Before going to college Annie was a nationally competitive horse rider. OK.
HANNAH G.
23
Content Creator
Birmingham, AL
“Content Creator.”
KIRPA
26
Dental Hygienist
Whittier, CA
“Kirpa” sounds like a kind of fish.
TAYSHIA
28
Phlebotomist
Corona Del Mar, CA
When she’s not drawing blood, Tayshia goes to church and drinks wine. OK.
CATHERINE
26
DJ
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Not content to be merely a successful commercial real estate agent, Catherine is also “DJ Agro—an up-and-coming hip-hop DJ making a name for herself on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene.”
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL x infinity.
I literally don’t know which part of this is my favorite: “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ,” “the Ft. Lauderdale club scene,” being an “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene,” or “DJ Argo.” DID SHE NAME HERSELF AFTER THE BEN AFFLECK MOVIE?? I love her already and she is my favorite and I hope she goes all the way but not ALL the way because I want her to be the next Bachelorette.
HEATHER
22
Never Been Kissed
Carlsbad, CA
Heather has been skydiving and whitewater rafting but has “never been kissed by a boy.” I don’t know about you but I’m getting strong fundamentalist weirdo whose father gave her a purity ring when she was 9 and took her to too many daddy/daughter dances vibes.
CASSIE
23
Speech Pathologist
Huntington Beach, CA
Cassie is an “avid surfer” and studying to become a speech pathologist. OK.
ANGELIQUE
28
Marketing Salesperson
Hamilton, NJ
Apparently, Angelique loves corny jokes, and the ABC press department thought that the following counts as a joke: “Why did Colton cross the road? To meet you, of course!”
HANNAH B.
23
Miss Alabama 2018
Tuscaloosa, GA
Hannah’s entire biography is about Alabama: that she attended the University of Alabama, she was Miss Alabama, that she loves to go to University of Alabama football games, her parents went to the University of Alabama. RUN AWAY, COLTON, IT’S A CULT, COLTON.
DEVIN
23
Broadcast Journalist
Medford, OR
Devin is a sports reporter who also does yoga. OK.
TAHZJUAN
25
Business Development Associate
Castle Pines, CO
Tahzjuan here has a tattoo that reads “I love bad ideas.” I’m just going to stop there.
NINA
30
Sales Account Manager
Raleigh, NC
Nina is Croatian who immigrated to the United States when she was 9 to avoid the war. So that’s a happy story.
ELYSE
31
Makeup Artist
Soldotna, AK
Elyse grew up in Alaska but fled to Arizona as soon as she could because TOO COLD. Just based on this fact alone, Elyse might be the smartest of the bunch.
KATIE M.
26
Medical Sales Representative
Sherman Oaks, CA
Katie was a member of the LSU dance team until she gave it all up for the glamorous world of medical sales.
REVIAN
24
Nurse
Santa Monica, CA
Revian is a fan of music festivals. And here’s how we know Revian is a pathological liar because NO ONE IS A FAN OF MUSIC FESTIVALS.
ERIN
28
Cinderella
Plano, TX
Ok, so the story here is that Erin works in her stepmother’s home improvement business, hence, “Cinderella.” My question is whether this is something she calls herself or something ABC labeled her because they thought it was cute. Because if she calls herself that …
JANE
26
Social Worker
West Hollywood, CA
Jane (whose actual name might be Adrianne?) is described as a “free spirit” who uses “positive energy” in her work with seniors.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go enjoy my remaining Bachelor-free weeks before this damn show and all of its terrible spinoffs consume my life.
The Bachelor returns on ABC on January 7 in a three-hour premiere. SANTA, BRING ME BOX WINE.
I would very much like a well paying sloth job, please and thank you.