Bachelor in Paradise
August 7, 2018
I hope you’ve packed your sunscreen, mosquito spray, ill-fitting bikinis, and raccoon-to-English dictionary, because it’s that time again: when hordes of Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects swarm upon a tiny rocky beach on the Pacific coast of Mexico to get drunk, make out, cry and then repeat the cycle all over again.
¡Arriba! ¡Abajo! ¡Al centro! ¡Pa’dentro!
Headed to Paradise this season:
Sooey, Jr. from Needledick’s season.
I assume if you’re reading this, you have at least watched the most recent season of The Bachelorette, if not both The Bachelorette and The Bachelor. But on the weird, off-chance you did not, what you need to know is that Sooey, Jr. here was on Needledick’s season of The Bachelor with our most recent Bachelorette, Becca. After filming The Bachelor but right before The Bachelorette began filming, Sooey, Jr. dated Indianapolis Colt who, a week later, ended up being one of Becca’s Bachelors.
Indianapolis Colt came clean with Becca about dating her pal Sooey, Jr. pretty early on; there was an awkward reunion with Sooey, Jr. when the producers dragged her onto a group date; Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. agreed that there wasn’t anything between them and he was free to date Becca. So he did! But then! Once Indianapolis Colt made it all the way to The Dreaded Hometowns, Sooey, Jr. suddenly remembered that she did, in fact, have the hotpants for him and essentially demanded that Becca dump him so that he would be forced to come to Paradise and date her. Becca obliged and ended up choosing a monosyllabic alt-right tomato farmer to spend her life with. Yay, happy endings!
Sooey, Jr. laments in a video package that her dating options in Little Rock are limited (which is apparently why she had to go all the way to California to date Indianapolis Colt), and she’d love to “find love with Indianapolis Colt someone” in Paradise. She is the first to walk through the gates and proceeds to spend every single subsequent moment of the day and evening waiting for Indianapolis Colt to appear.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Eric the Good Dancer from Rachel’s season. Note: Eric the Good Dancer is not Indianapolis Colt.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Taxiderpy from Needledick’s season, who claims she was “heartbroken” after The Bachelor and wants to be known as more than just the girl into “taxidermy and the ukelele.” That’s fine, but I’m not changing your nickname, lady.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Zoolander from Becca’s season. In a taped piece, Zoolander promises to bring a lot of “blond hair” and “tan” and hopes that Trauma Care from Needledick’s season will be in Paradise. Note: Zoolander is not Indianapolis Colt.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Manguita from Needledick’s season. In her taped piece, my little manguita promises to bring inappropriate bathing attire and to “kill them with booty,” which I suppose is one of your less unpleasant ways out of this plane of existence. She also says that she is excited to meet the guys and promises to listen to her vagina carefully.
Upon arriving in Paradise, she informs a confused Chris Harrison that the bumpy ride into Paradise is “the most action [her] uterus has had in a while,” and I am in love.
When she greets the others who have already arrived, Zoolander claims that her name makes his mouth water and I need him to leave now.
Next to arrive in Paradise: the famous for no good reason Grocery Joe from Becca’s season. The women in Paradise are all taken with how cute Grocery Joe is, prompting them to wonder what the hell is wrong with him that Becca sent him home the first night, and he explains, “Me nervous. Me no talk good.” Note: Grocery Joe is not Indianapolis Colt.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Harry Potter from Becca’s season. In his taped piece, Harry Potter promises to loosen up more in Paradise and not be so serious. He demonstrates his lack of seriousness by peeking out from behind trees and modeling different outfits. Wacky.
After arriving in Paradise, Harry Potter introduces himself to All-4-Wells behind the bar: (Wells, Wills) and Zoolander notes that All-4-Wells also serves well drinks. This, he explains, makes his “mind” hurt. Yeah, baby, I suspect that doesn’t take much.
Note: Harry Potter is not Indianapolis Colt.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Grendel’s Mother from Needledick’s season.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Mr. Entitled from Becca’s season. In his taped piece, Mr. Entitled stresses that we only saw his bad side on The Bachelorette and that he is in reality just a “silly goose.” He demonstrates this by paddling around in a swan boat (not a goose) and harassing an actual swan (again, not a goose). Note: Mr. Entitled is not Indianapolis Colt. (Nor will I be calling him “Goose” no matter how hard he tries.)
Next to arrive in Paradise: Krystal with a K from Needledick’s season. In her taped piece, Krystal with a K whines about being “criticized” for her truly awful appearance on The Bachelor, but assures the audience that she has a lot to offer: she is an entrepreneur, she knows how to cook, she’s a “dog mom…”
Krystal with a K’s arrival in Paradise is met with barely contained sighs and eye rolls from the other women, but they all knew that if there was going to be one person from Needledick’s season, it was going to be Krystal with a K. They knew.
They also notice that Krystal with a K is now speaking with an adult woman voice and has dropped the whole “sexy baby” whisper. HUH.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Oh Canada from The Bachelorette Canada and Bachelor Winter Games. Because I was writing about the actual Olympics, I did not recap Bachelor Winter Games — or even watch it — because ain’t nobody got time for that. But apparently, Oh Canada here became involved with Khaste Kardashian on that series, only to have her cheat on him with Cousin Max when he came sniffing around, jealous that she had finally found happiness with someone else.
Oh Canada is a firefighter, he’s into working out, and he’s interested in meeting Krystal with a K because she’s into fitness, too. Note: Oh Canada is not Indianapolis Colt.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Fake Race Car Driver from Becca’s season. Note: Fake Race Car Driver is not Indianapolis Colt.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Venmo from Becca’s season. Note: Fake Venmo is not Indianapolis Colt.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Nurse Nutso from Needledick’s season. Who? Exactly. Even she says that if you blink, you’ll miss her on the show.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Batman from This Asshole’s season. Who? I KNOW, RIGHT? I have no memory of this person or why I called her “Batman” but the answers are: because she was eliminated on the first night of This Asshole’s season and:
This one also has a completely generic entrance. In fact, the most interesting thing on her biography is the fact that her “worst date memory” was: “A guy putting down the name as ‘Batman’ while we waited for a table. So immature.” Oh, honey, if that’s the worst thing that has happened to you on a date so far…
Next to arrive in Paradise: Pretty Boy Pitbull from Rachel’s season (and the man who probably should have been the first black Bachelor). In a taped piece, we are reminded that Pretty Boy has an 11-year-old daughter so the stakes for him to find the right woman are fairly high. I LOVE YOU, PRETTY BOY, BUT YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS ON THIS GARBAGE SHOW. TURN AROUND AND GO HOME NOW.
Note: Pretty Boy Pitbull is not Indianapolis Colt.
Next to arrive in Paradise: Seen the Breasts? from This Asshole’s season. She was named that, according to my recap, because on the first night, she exited the limo asking in German, “Seen the breasts?” which is a baffling way to introduce oneself, honestly. Did she lose the breasts and is looking for help in finding them? Is she inviting him to see her breasts? Someone else’s breasts? And why is it in the past tense? And why in German?
Next to arrive in Paradise: Trauma Care from This Asshole’s season. In her taped piece, Trauma Care reminds us that she’s terrified of bumper cars, and had “bumper car trauma.” She also is afraid of: dogs, sand, thunder, large bodies of water, boys with red hair, sombreros, and birds. So she’s going to have a great time in Mexico.
As soon as Trauma Care walks in to Paradise, Zoolander is all over her, burbling about how he’s really into her and he told his mom about her and his mom was like “OH I LOVE HER TOO” and how he is physically attracted to her and he’s really happy she is here and they are going to get married and have tiny blond model babies.
Last to arrive in Paradise: Chicken Head from Becca’s season. In easily the most cringe-worthy of a number of cringe-worthy taped introductions, Chicken Head brags about living with his mother, how she cooks all of his meals and does his laundry, generally waits on him hand and foot and how “unfortunately” he can’t date her.
Upon arriving in Paradise, Chicken Head immediately interrupts Zoolander (with whom he has had a tedious and unending beef) and Trauma Care’s conversation to awkwardly say hello, prompting Zoolander to toast him for being a little bitch. Again.
Chicken Head also announces to the group that he will be the last one to arrive. Note: Chicken Head is definitely not Indianapolis Colt.
Sooey, Jr. cannot disguise her disappointment, stuck here with the likes of Fake Race Car Driver and Chicken Head, and honestly, who can blame her?
While the cast was arriving, the women got to know Grocery Joe a little better: Taxiderpy, who twenty minutes ago was talking a big game about how she didn’t want to be the “quirky” one, yammers at Grocery Joe about how she loves to go for picnics in cemeteries. “I no know what picnic,” replies Grocery Joe.
Grocery Joe also discusses his heritage with Krystal with a K who explains that she is Norweigan — in fact, she’s entirely Scandinavian. “Me Joe,” replies Grocery Joe.
Later, Grocery joe chats with Sooey, Jr., the two laughing at the other’s absurd accent. Sooey, Jr. attempts (and mangles) a Chicago accent before daring him to do her Southern one. “Durrrrrrr…” says Grocery Joe.
Once everyone has arrived, Chris Harrison calls all the dummies together to explain how it works: date cards, dates, more men than women this week, women hand out the roses, if no rose, go home. Next week the men will hand out the roses, &c. and &c. until everyone goes home sunburnt, riddled with HPV, and disappointed in their choices in life.
And just to make things extra fun, Sooey, Jr. receives the first date card, even though the person she wants to take on a date is nowhere to be found. However, instead of doing the obvious thing and offering the date card to someone else, Sooey, Jr. instead chooses to play the producers’ game, and takes the date card down to the ocean, to stare dramatically at the sunset, and cry at the horrific possibility that she has to go on a date with someone else.
Once she collects herself, Sooey, Jr. returns to the group and asks Grocery Joe Mr. Entitled out on the date and he is just as surprised as anyone.
On their date, the two go have dinner at that one resort hotel, and Sooey, Jr. says that she’s over Indianapolis Colt about 74 times and then they watch a weird fake fireworks display over the swimming pool and they make out and this happens:
Oh you sweet dum-dum, you don’t know how any of this works, do you?
Meanwhile, back at Paradise, Krystal with a K was thrilled that Grocery Joe wasn’t taken on the date, but then he goes and picks Taxiderpy to make out with, to her shock and irritation. But don’t feel too bad for Krystal with a K, as she is soon exchanging mouth fluids with that Canadian mesomorph.
And then, hilariously, there is Fake Race Car Driver who is desperate to stick his tongue down Grendel’s Mother’s throat, but she’s all, “I’m going to be sick, no thank you, please,” before stumbling back up to her room.
The next morning the most predictable thing that could possibly happen on this dumb show happens: Indianapolis Colt finally arrives, armed with a date card. But because this dopey man-child has the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old, instead of being forthcoming and going directly to Sooey, Jr. and asking her to discuss with him this whole weird situation they have found themselves in and figuring out how they are going to deal with it, he asks to speak with several other women before eventually asking Sooey, Jr. to join him on the date. WHICH WE ALL KNEW HE WAS GOING TO DO, SO WHY EVERYONE IS SO SURPRISED WHEN HE ASKS SOOEY, JR. TO JOIN HIM, COME ON, GUYS.
The two go out on a yacht where they discuss this notorious weekend they spent together. Apparently, it took place in California, they went hiking and something about rescue dogs and he made dinner for her … and wait wait wait, I just have a lot of questions. Does Indianapolis Colt live in Los Angeles? How did they meet? Was she staying at his apartment? ARE WE POSITIVE HE’S REALLY A VIRGIN?
Indianapolis Colt is all, “yeah it was great. So can we talk about the fact that you just totally blew my chances on The Bachelorette? I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL?” Sooey, Jr. gives some bullshitty selfish answer about how something kept her interested in him, and she couldn’t close the door on a possible relationship. And because, again, Indianapolis Colt has the emotional maturity of a stunted seventh grader, he just accepts this answer without pushing back on it because that would be weird or whatever, and anyway, there’s a jetski on this yacht that ain’t gonna drive itself.
Meanwhile back at Paradise, there are a bunch of people who are SUPER PISSED at Indianapolis Colt, namely Mr. Entitled who, having gone on one date with Sooey, Jr. 12 hours earlier, feels entitled to her rose Indianapolis Colt is taking advantage of her. “IT IS NOT OK FOR HIM TO JUST KEEP HER ON THE BACK BURNER,” he pouts, even though considering Indianapolis Colt is on a date with Sooey, Jr. at that very moment, it’s kinda hard to accuse him of putting her on the back burner …
Zoolander and Fake Race Car Driver feed Mr. Entitled’s entitlement, pointing out that he’s a better catch than Indianapolis Colt: he’s not a virgin, for starters; she picked him to go on her date (because Indianapolis Colt wasn’t there to invite); and he has “great hair product,” according to Zoolander. Obviously, Zoolander.
And so, as soon as Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. return from their date, infused with a fresh dose of entitlement and a double dose of douchebaggery, Mr. Entitled, and the Goose Douche Gang march up to our newest arrival insisting that they “need to have a talk.”
TO BE DOUCHTINUED …
The women in Paradise:
The men in Paradise:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.
Please, oh please refer to the Kendall situation in your next write up as the “Derpmuda Triangle”
Thank you in advance