‘The Bachelorette’: Serious question — can we get rid of these assholes and start over with a whole new set of guys?

The Bachelorette
June 18, 2018

We begin the episode where we left the last: in the middle of the rose ceremony. Play-Doh, having left the show to salvage his NFL career, left Becca in a funk as he was one of maybe two? three? decent men in this entire group.

And I am not exaggerating. Right after the premiere episode, we learned that Lincoln, a.k.a. Crybaby, maybe had a thoroughly disgusting habit of shitting on the floor of his office bathroom.

“I don’t watch The Bachelor but this is the talk of the floor this morning,” the user wrote. “Lincoln used to s–t on the bathroom floor in his previous position because he thought toilets were unsanitary. He was known as the floor-s–tter and would build a mound of toilet paper and take a s–t on it.”

And yet somehow, remarkably, that is not the worst thing about Lincoln, as we recently learned that he was convicted last month of indecent assault and battery after groping a woman on a harbor cruise in Boston back in 2016.

Obviously the question is WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE THE PEOPLE WHO VET THE BACHELOR CONTESTANTS DOING? Are they drunk? Do they have Memento short-term memory issues? Were they unqualified for the job but applied for it anyway because they thought why not but then they accidentally landed it and like an episode of I Love Lucy or the Presidency of Donald Trump they had to pretend to know what they were doing even though they were way out of their depth?

Because the thing is, this is the SECOND time the vetters have fucked up this season. It was revealed — again shortly after the premiere — that Chris Farley made some really questionable likes on Instagram posts about feminism, David Hogg being a crisis actor, and soldiers literally throwing immigrant children over the border wall (a particularly horrific “joke” in our current environment). And maybe if this had been the first time the show had run into issues based on a contestants’ racist, misogynistic behavior on social media, maybe it might be understandable. But that little fucko, Racist Little Turd from Rachel’s season, he was racist all over Twitter before he appeared on the show — and again, it was viewers who discovered it before Bachelorette vetters did. At the time, I thought it was actually that the show’s producers were being cynical, and hired Racist Little Turd precisely because he was an openly racist little turd to stir up controversy for the show’s first Black Bachelorette … but now I think the show’s vetters might literally be brain damaged.

(And before I leave this little rant, please pay attention to how the show and Becca have responded to these two contestant controversies. When Chris Farley’s Instagram likes came out, the show FREAKED OUT and Becca and Chris Farley both made statements about forgiveness and learning from the experience and giving people a chance and blah blah blah PLEASE DON’T TURN ON OUR OBVIOUS WINNER. In contrast, Becca has said fuckall about Lincoln, and the show is all, “¯\_(ツ)_/¯.” My point is it is fairly obvious that  Lincoln, now to be known as “Sex Offender,” will be off the show in the next few episodes, and Chris Farley … won’t.)

RIGHT, SO, Becca is bummed about the direction everything is going and Cowboy takes her aside to cheer her up by suggesting that she pop out five of his babies one day.

As for Zoolander, he’s pretty sure that Becca is going to take one look at the fact that he’s wearing a shirt that is designed to be worn with a tie — and that he’s not wearing one — and she’ll perceive that “this guy could go any way.”

“Buy yourself a tape recorder. Record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.”

Zoolander then visits with Becca who announces that she has a gift for him: a pair of gold lame underpants because someone on the production staff thought it would be funny to give Zoolander a golden noose with which he could hang himself recently rewatched The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Zoolander, not realizing that he is the butt of the joke, thinks this means he’s the “golden boy” with Becca, smells them for some reason and then assures Becca that he can’t wait to brush his teeth while wearing them.

That should go over well.

But Zoolander’s moment in the sun is cut short when Chicken Head and his busted face make their triumphant return from the hospital. Chicken Broken Head arrives to applause and congratulations from all the other men but for Zoolander, who mocks his honestly not-all-that-badly-bruised face considering he had been in ICU.

Becca chats with Chicken Broken Head for a while before fetching a rose and sending him back to bed for some much-needed face rest.

BUT ZOOLANDER ISN’T WORRIED, he explains to Khal Drogo who can’t figure out how he got trapped with Zoolander. AS OTHER GUYS HAVE POINTED OUT TO HIM, CHICKEN HEAD DOESN’T LIKE HIM BECAUSE OF WHO ZOOLANDER IS AS A PERSON (which is maybe not the compliment that Zoolander seems to think it is?) AND ANYWAY, ALL HE KNOWS IS HE IS “CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS” … AND THAT’S ALL HE’S GOT.

Also, it’s cute that you think you can give yourself a nickname, Zoolander, but I’m not calling you “Captain Underpants.” Save it for one of your poses.

Line up, it’s time to thin the manherd.

Rose #1: New Favorite
Rose #2: Harry Potter
Rose #3: Fake Race Car Driver who is wearing a tracksuit for some reason
Rose #4: Smooth
Rose #5: Crybaby Sex Offender
Rose #6: Cowboy
Rose #7: Chris Farley
Rose #8: Khal Drogo
Rose #9: Venmo
Rose #10: Baby Temper Tantrum
Rose #11: Zoolander
Rose #12: Monsieur Colognoisseur

Which means, goodbye Man Bun #2 and Banjo. I’d say you both seemed like nice enough guys, but neither of you said a single word in the past four episodes. So who even KNOWS what sex crimes you have committed or what is lurking in your Twitters.

Fortunately for Chicken Broken Head, we are now officially done with the McMANsion so if he can just get through the night, the chances of him breaking his face again have significantly decreased.

The next morning, Becca and the manherd are flown out to Park City, Utah for the next round of dates.

Becca picks up Chris Farley for the first one-on-one date which involves trying on alpaca wool hats and drinking shots of weird juices before heading to a bobsledding track where they go for a ride with 2006 silver medalists Valerie Fleming and Shauna Rohbock. Fun fact: after the Olympics, the teammates fell in love and got married and WHERE IS MARY CARRILLO? WHY ISN’T SHE ALL OVER THIS STORY?

So they zoom and then they drink champagne and Becca gets all giddy about Chris Farley and how she just feels very “natural” around him and yeah, he’s going to win this thing. Boy, I’d love to be a fly on the wall during their conversations about this migrant family separation crisis right about now.

That night they have “dinner” together, where Becca tells him that he reminds her of her father — the father that she lost as a teen, so no daddy issue warning flags there at all — before asking him about his romantic history. Chris Farley reveals that he has been in love once before: right out of college he fell in love with a girl who enjoyed adventure and exploring life and they got married and then promptly divorced.

Becca asks how long they were together and Chris Farley explains they dated for a year, then they were engaged for a year and a half, and then they were married for two months.

Yeah, that math does not add up to anything good, Becca.

Instead, Becca convinces herself that “every relationship is different” and that his story about his ex-wife being emotionally abusive totally checks out and there is no need to probe that particular area some more, and she gives him the date rose and they go dance to some singer you’ve never heard of, as per for the course.

Becca, baby, I get that you have some daddy issues, and Chris Farley here seems like the type who is locked and loaded with all of the dad jokes, but before you go any further with this lunchboxheaded doof, girl, ASK TO SEE HIS PHONE.

Meanwhile, back at the house, we learn yet another amazing fact about Sex Offender: he’s a flat-Earther. His logic, it just adds up: if the Earth were round, why doesn’t the ocean fall all around us? How do we not slip off the planet?

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON, CAN WE GET AN ASSIST UP IN HERE?

Also, the date card arrives: “Zoolander, Gospel Choir, Cowboy, Fake Race Car Driver, Venmo, Sex Offender, Kahl Drogo, Chicken Broken Head, Baby Temper Tantrum, Smooth, New Favorite, Indianapolis Colt, Monsieur Colognoisseur: Something about an axe, (not that we hear what it is because we instead focus on who isn’t on the date card and therefore the one-on-one: Harry Potter).”

The men meet Becca who explains that they’ll be particiapting in a “lumberjack bash” so that she can find her “lumberjack” to her “lumberjill.”

The men are split into two teams where they have to roll logs and cut logs and push logs and climb logs and in the end, to the surprise of everyone, Venmo ends up being the best with logs.

You’re not going to win this thing, Venmo, but good on you for defying expectations, you big ripped nerd.

That evening’s cocktail party starts off well enough: Becca has some makeout time with New Favorite who I’m quickly losing interest in now that he’s no longer openly mocking Zoolander to his face; and Becca has some make out time with Indianapolis Colt.

But then things begin taking a turn when during his time alone with her, Zoolander peels off his pants to reveal that he is wearing his gold underpants. He then returns to the other men, pantless, and everyone is like, “Dude.” In fact, the two largest supraorbital ridges, Indianapolis Colt and Gospel Choir, take Zoolander outside and tell him that he is acting like a “pussy” and a clown and to PUT ON HIS DAMN PANTS AND SHOW BECCA SOME RESPECT. Zoolander, in turn, whines that they aren’t respecting him by calling him a pussy. WHICH, YEAH, DUMMY, THAT’S THE POINT.

Meanwhile, inside, Monsieur Colognoisseur presents Becca with a gift: a custom-made fragrance from one of “the biggest fragrance houses,” which he has labeled, “Miss Becca Blanc.” He then does this weird move where he says there’s one thing that he wants, and leans in like he’s going to whisper something in her ear before turning her chin to kiss her unexpectedly. And though she’s kissed him before, Becca finds herself feeling uncomfortable. She is fortunately saved from an increasingly awkward moment when Khal Drogo interrupts them.

Monsieur Colognoisseur is irritated at having his “date” cut short, though, and proceeds to interrupt Sex Offender’s time with Becca to finish his conversation with her. There, this desperate weirdo starts talking about how his feelings for her were “instantaneous” and that he hasn’t “felt like this in a long time” and that he knows that he is “falling in love” with her. Becca, to her credit, is like, “NOPE, ABSOLUTELY NOT, DON’T THINK SO, LET ME JUST GO AHEAD AND WALK YOU OUT TO THE GO HOME VAN, K BYE.”

And then this asshole, this asshole right here, has the temerity to ask for his perfume back. It’s at this point that Becca realizes he was just straight-up lying about “falling in love” with her, and she’s like, “JUST GET OUT LIAR.”

Furious that she is the first person in television history to be lied to by a reality show contestant, Becca storms into the cocktail party and announces that THERE WILL BE NO DATE ROSE.

The next day, Becca goes on her one-on-one with Harry Potter and it’s fine. They go snowmobiling, they drink champagne, they eat “dinner,” Harry Potter reveals that an ex-girlfriend whom he thought he was going to marry cheated on him, Becca offers him the date rose. It’s fine! It’s super boring, but, hey, no one strips to their underpants, no one reveals they were married for two months, no one claims they are SUPER IN LOVE, so based on the very low bar all the other dates set this week, it’s a goddamned win.

Finally, ahead of the rose ceremony cocktail party, Chris Harrison walks into the mansuite and announces that there will be no cocktail party, Becca is tired of playing around with you idiots, and she knows exactly who she wants to send home. So suit up and get ready.

Rose #1: Khal Drogo
Rose #2: Indianapolis Colt
Rose #3: Cowboy
Rose #4: New Favorite
Rose #5: Baby Temper Tantrum
Rose #6: Sex Offender
Rose #7: Venmo
Rose #8: Gospel Choir
Rose #9: Chicken Broken Head
Rose #10: Zoolander

Because of course we’re keeping both Zoolander and Chicken Head around — we can’t have a two-on-one date without two doomed contestants who loathe each other.

So goodbye, Fake Race Car Driver! And goodbye, Smooth! Maybe if either of you had picked a ridiculous, semi-literate fight with someone in the manherd, you wouldn’t be going home now.

Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:

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Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Becca. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:

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The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.