Let’s break down what these Rudy Giuliani interviews mean and laugh and laugh and laugh

Women are going to be the end of Donald “You Can Do Anything” Trump, and I am popping the popcorn.

The big story this morning is that Rudy “America’s Mayor” Giuliani went on Hannity last night and admitted that Trump paid Michael Cohen back for the $130,000 Stormy Daniels payment. Even Sean Hannity was shocked:

There are SO MANY REASONS why this is trouble for Trump:

1. Despite Rudy Giuliani insisting that this wasn’t “campaign” money, there are many many many reasons to believe otherwise, namely that Stormy was paid off in the days leading up to the election while candidate Pussy Grabber was suffering through the Access Hollywood scandal. It sure seems like Stormy was paid to go away so she wouldn’t hurt the presidential campaign.
2. The reason that it being campaign money is a problem is that the campaign did not disclose the $130,000 payment to the Federal Election Commission, thereby violating campaign finance law.
3. Furthermore, $130,000 exceeds the individual $2,700 contribution limit — by kinda a lot — putting Cohen in A LOT OF TROUBLE.
4. Additionally, Giuliani confirmed in an interview with the Washington Post that there were multiple payments from Trump to Cohen, and used the term “funneling” in his Hannity interview. If those payments are in amounts less than $10,000 so as to not be flagged by the banks involved, they could be in trouble for committing a “structuring” fraud. This is what former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert went to jail for — not for molesting all those young boys, but for taking out money in amounts less than $10,000 at a time so that the bank wouldn’t become suspicious.
5. Oh, and also too, it means that Michael Cohen, Donald Trump, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders lied repeatedly to the American public. But we already knew that.

Some lawyer in the White House who realized that this Giuliani disclosure was a TERRIBLE DEVELOPMENT, grabbed Donald Trump’s phone and tweeted the following this morning:

Ha! “Role.” Do you think his lawyers deliberately used the wrong “roll” here to make it seem like Trump tweeted this?

OK, so Giuliani and Trump both swear that this had nothing to do with the campaign and that money from the campaign was not used, so definitely this is the end of the discussion right?

LOLOLOLOLOL PUT RUDY ON ALL OF THE SHOWS!

So Trump and Cohen paid a porn star $130,000 to go away on the eve of the election because “imagine if that came out on October 15, 2016, in the middle of the last debate with Hillary Clinton,” but it definitely wasn’t a campaign contribution… because it came out of Trump’s own pocket? Is that the thought process here? Hey, George Conway, husband of Kellyanne, do you have any thoughts on whether or not this is a campaign contribution?

Just as an aside, what do you think life in the Conway home is like right now?

Remember, the FBI has raided Michael Cohen’s office, and they have all the emails, wire transfers and assorted records and files. Also, NBC is now reporting that Michael Cohen’s phone lines were tapped by the FBI for several weeks before the raid took place. Someone is lying here, and the FBI is going to find out that someone is and someone is going to jail.

And just leaving aside the campaign money issue, as my husband the attorney pointed out regarding Trump’s morning tweets, by tweeting that Stormy is a liar and an extortionist, Trump just added another squirt of gasoline to the defamation lawsuit she just filed against him.

And leaving THAT aside, Giuliani also said the following:

Well, if that’s the case, it makes that NDA with Stormy null and fucking void.

It should also be noted that in his remarkable Hannity interview, Rudy Giuliani gave yet another reason why the Obstructionist-in-Chief fired James Comey: because Comey wouldn’t say publicly that Trump wasn’t the subject of the Russia investigation — thereby both confirming the Comey memos and contradicting the multiple reasons Trump has given for the firing (because Comey was SO MEAN to Hillary, because of “the Russia thing,” and because NOT “the phony Russia investigation”).

And too, Giuliani said that if the Mueller investigation came after Ivanka — a person who works in the administration and who was present for many crucial moments in the investigation — “the whole country will turn on them.”

The whole country: “Nah, we’re good.”

He then went on to say that Jared is a “fine man” before adding that “men are disposable.”

Oh, and just to make matters worse, Stormy’s lawyer, Michael Avenatti — who must be drinking ALL OF THE CHAMPAGNE this morning — went on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and brought the receipt for the wire payment from Michael Cohen to Stormy Daniels. This is important because it shows that the payment came from a California company, so if the California Attorney General wanted to press charges, Trump wouldn’t be able to pardon Cohen.

Meanwhile, in another defamation lawsuit against Trump, Summer Zervos has sent MGM a subpoena demanding that they provide “any Apprentice material that features Zervos or Trump talking about her or discussing other female contestants in a sexual or inappropriate way.” My local counsel suggests that it’s going to be difficult for MGM to fight this, which means AWWWWWW YEAH. THIS COULD GET GOOD. SOMEONE CALL TOM ARNOLD.

One last note about Trump — in Kid Gorgeous at Radio City, John Mulaney manages to do the MOST AMAZING bit about Trump without mentioning his name once. I won’t spoil it, because you should watch it for yourself, it’s a thing of beauty, and my husband and I have already adopted it as our go-to reference for the Horse-in-Chief.

Also, for those of you who have already watched, J.J. Bittenbinder is A REAL PERSON.

In Other TV News

OK, I love love love love this Arrested Development/Star Wars mashup so much and I INSIST you watch it, but it made me wonder why on Earth they aren’t releasing Solo: A Star Wars Story on May 4th. IT’S SO OBVIOUS, Y’ALL.

Conan is cutting back to a 30-minute show next year so that Conan can do more stuff for TBS, and that’s a good thing.

This is a thoughtful essay on how TV needs to do more about not gun violence. Guns will never disappear from television, but shows can do more to not glorify gun violence and guns themselves. LOOKING AT YOU, WALKING DEAD.

Oh, by the way, since I forgot to mention it, Cobra Kai debuted on YouTube yesterday, and the early reviews are pretty strong.

Netflix thinks y’all are a bunch of perverts. Between this, Westworld, and that Ross Douthat essay in The New York Times that I am not going to link to here because fuck that guy, it’s been a rough week for robots.

There will be plenty of Jack in the next season of This is Us, in case you were worried.

If they break up Dre and Bow, I hope we get Bow in the divorce.

Dear NBC: Please do not cancel A.P. Bio. Please.

And now we know what Pam said to Michael at the airport in The Office.

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is the official title of the new “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” Netflix series.

Someone was just asking where Elisabeth Hasselbeck was the other day.

Way to go, Cartoon Network.

I had stopped posting these SNL promos because they’re not that funny, but I couldn’t resist this one:

Time’s Up

Apparently, the Charlie Rose situation is SO MUCH WORSE than we already knew. 27 MORE women have accused Rose of being inappropriate and CBS knew about it FOR 30 YEARS. This is what happens when a motherfucker has the HUBRIS to think that the time has come for him to return to public life and give voice to fellow men who have been caught in the #MeToo movement. Fuck off, Charlie Rose, you’re done.

And as for the rest of you assholes wondering when the right time to come back is, the answer is NOT YET.

But apparently Eric Bolling is coming back.

ALSO, SHUT UP, RUSSELL SIMMONS AND GO AWAY.

Bill Cosby has been removed from the Television Academy’s Hall of Fame website and Yale has revoked his honorary degree — the first time they’ve done so in 300 years. Meanwhile, Camille Cosby is demanding that the prosecutor in Cosby’s case needs to be investigated and that his verdict was “mob justice” and compared her husband to Emmett Till. Maybe … just … no, Camille?

Add Cate Blanchett to the list of women who have been harassed by Harvey Weinstein.

Brad Grey and Brian Graden have been accused of rape and sexual exploitation in a lawsuit.

This New York Times piece about how the Washington Redskins cheerleaders were forced to go to Costa Rica and participate in a topless photoshoot while male sponsors and suite owners looked on is horrifying. Fuck the NFL.

Renewals

• Empire has been renewed for a fifth season on Fox.
• Easy has been renewed by Netflix.

Cancellations

• Might Grey’s Anatomy be coming to an end sooner rather than later?

In Development

• Fox has ordered a comedy from the It’s Always Sunny Guys.
• A Swamp Thing series has been ordered by DC Universe’s upcoming streaming service. (And oh, by the way, DC’s streaming service is going to be called “DC Universe.”)
• The Octavia Spencer series produced by Reese Witherspoon has been bought by Apple.
• The Hunt for the Trump Tapes with Tom Arnold is coming to Viceland. I bet Summer Zervos beats him to them.

Casting News

• Johnathan Majors has been cast in the lead of Lovecraft Country on HBO.
• Kiran Deol and Moses Storm are going to star in Arranged on Pop.

Mark Your Calendars

• The Affair returns on Showtime on June 17.

• Goliath season two will premiere on Amazon Prime on June 15.
• Face Off: Battle Royale will debut on June 5.
• Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind will air on HBO on July 17.
• Snowfall will return on FX on July 19.
• This is Life Live will return on TLC on May 13.
• Hunting ISIS will premiere on History on May 29.
• Black Ink Crew: Chicago returns on VH1 on May 30.

WATCH THIS

Supernatural: Sam, Dean, Castiel, and Gabriel have to work together. 7 p.m., The CW

Superstore: Amy and Jonah have to put their differences aside in the season finale. 7 p.m., NBC

A.P. Bio: Jack takes on a revenge mission on behalf of the A.P. Bio kids in the season finale. 7:30 p.m., NBC

Champions: Michael has his first date. Season finale. 8 p.m., NBC

Late Night: Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Steve Martin, Martin Short, Poppy Delevingne, Steep Canyon Rangers Late Night with Seth Meyers: Keith Urban, Stephanie Beatriz, Carter McLean The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Charlize Theron, Ron Howard The Late Late Show with James Corden: David Duchovny, Henry Winkler Jimmy Kimmel Live: Bill Hader, Sen. Cory Booker, Rae Sremmurd Conan: Jenna Elfman, Rory Scovel The Daily Show: David Blaine The Opposition with Jordan Klepper: Ron Livingston Watch What Happens Live: Sebastian Stan, Priyanka Chopra

 

THURS

7:00

7:30

8:00

8:30

9:00

9:30

ABC

Grey’s Anatomy (new)

Station 19 (new)

Quantico (new)

CBS

The Big Bang Theory (new)

Young Sheldon (new)

Mom (new)

Life in Pieces (new)

S.W.A.T. (new)

CW

Supernatural (new)

Arrow (new)

News/Local

FOX

Gotham (new)

Showtime at the Apollo (new)

News/Local

NBC

Superstore (new)

A.P. Bio (new)

Will & Grace (repeat)

Champions (new)

Chicago Fire (new)