‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Of Ramonas and roaches

The Real Housewives of New York
“Oil and Vinegar”
July 12, 2017

Safely back in New York, Bethenny makes arrangements for her upcoming Mexico trip — or, rather, listens while her assistant who did all the work explains to her what she will be doing on her upcoming Mexico trip — and clarifies that it’s not that she doesn’t want Ramona on the entire trip, she just doesn’t want her anywhere near the excursion to the distillery where Bethenny will be engaged in business junk. Which is not unreasonable, because Ramona is an asshole and a ruiner.

Meanwhile, Ramona and The Countess are cappuccino-maker shopping, or maybe just soliciting free cappuccino at a cappuccino-maker store, I’m not sure. There, they discuss the upcoming Mexico trip, and whether or not Ramona is coming, to which the official answer is:

The Countess reminds Ramona that she was straight-up wretched to Bethenny at Dorinda’s place, and Ramona shrugs that she likes her vino blanco, whaddya gonna do? but that she is going to remain positive that Bethenny will eventually invite her to Mexico, because what is she going to do, NOT invite Ramona? Come on, get out of here with that.

Elsewhere, Princess Carole visits with Bethenny and shares her big courtroom win against the Viscount of Brûlée’s shady landlord who refused to give the Viscount his security deposit back. So that will be Princess Carole, Esq. from here on out, thank you very much.

The women then discuss Ramona texting them constantly, and Bethenny’s big plan to have The Countess bring Ramona down to Mexico after the distillery trip because Ramona is an asshole and a ruiner.

Then Sonja drags us along for her laser hair removal journey in which we learn so much about Mrs. Morgan’s pubic hair:

1. It’s soft
2. It’s dark blonde — or “Madison Ave. blonde” as Sonja bafflingly describes it
3. There are very few grays

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw myself out of a window.

The bulk of the episode, though, fortunately enough, takes place not between an aging socialite’s thighs but at a steak house. There, the women meet for dinner and things begin nicely enough: lots of talk about Tinsley’s tights and how she dresses like a five-year-old; the guy that Her Highness is going to set Tinsley up on a date with who built a website that finds promo codes for other websites; steak houses and strip joints, blah blah nothing blah.

Bethenny arrives and greets everyone but Ramona because Ramona is an asshole and a ruiner, and Ramona most definitely notices. The Countess arrives soon after, and immediately brings up the Mexico trip, announcing that she is going to be traveling with all of the women, not coming later as Ramona’s escort as had been previously planned by Bethenny. The Countess then pointedly asks Ramona if Bethenny has invited her to Mexico yet, and Ramona explains that, in fact, no she has not. At this point, it is only the fact that The Countess is twice Bethenny’s size and has the strength of the adult man that she actually is that Bethenny does physically attack her — but she considers it.

The conversation veers away from this dangerous ledge briefly when Tinsley announces she is finally moving out of Sonja’s daughter’s stuffed animal-filled bedroom and into a hotel for a while. Sonja STRONGLY disapproves: how is Tinsley supposed to “rejuvenate her reputation” if she’s not the prisoner of a faded social climber with a drinking problem and a compulsion to humiliate herself in public?

Bethenny is finally forced to talk to Ramona about this puta viaje to Mexico, but not before demanding everyone else at the table to LOOK AWAY NO EAVESDROPPING. Bethenny then tells Ramona that she has invited everyone to Mexico but Ramona — so far. But she wasn’t going to exclude Ramona, she was just going to exclude Ramona a little. The thing is, Bethenny is still pretty raw over how Ramona treated her at Dorinda’s house AND STOP LISTENING IN, TINSLEY, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, TINSLEY.

However, Ramona would rather not think about all the awful things she said to Bethenny about her business, her success, her supposed sleeping her way to the top with … someone. Instead, she’d prefer to start sobscreaming at Bethenny about her divorce and how Bethenny was only married for two years. IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT BETHENNY EVEN WHEN IT IS ONLY ABOUT BETHENNY AND THE TERRIBLE PERSONAL ATTACKS RAMONA LAUNCHED ON BETHENNY.

Bethenny is like, “You know what? I take it back, I don’t want you on this trip, you fucking lunatic.” But Ramona fires back that it’s TOO BAD because it’s a GROUP TRIP and CHECK YOUR CONTRACT, BITCH, BECAUSE BRAVO’S PAYING AND BETHENNY CAN’T PREVENT HER FROM GOING AND RAMONA’S ALREADY PACKED HER SOMBRERO.

And Bethenny sighs and is like, “fine, whatever, what can I do, I guess you’re coming along,” while explaining in an interview that there’s no stopping Ramona, she’s like a roach — una cucaracha, to be specific.

Ramona then has an exercise session with her trainer that is so boring that she doesn’t even want to be there, so why should we be?

Finally, Princess Carole and the Duke of Fennel meet Tinsley and this guy, Scott, that they are trying to fix her up with at a bar. There, Tinsley acts like a god damned idiot, squealing about tequila, being SO SKINNY at her 35th birthday party in Las Vegas, her ex-husband, her ex-husband, her ex-husband, the fact that she’s still wearing her wedding ring even though she’s no longer with her ex-husband, surfing, and her ex-husband.

At one point, Her Royal Radziwill takes Tinsley aside and is like, “HEY, COOL IT WITH THE EX-HUSBAND TALK.” And sure enough, when they return to the bar, Tinsley plops herself down next to this Scott person, takes off her former wedding ring, and then proceeds to shove her tongue down Scott’s throat before he has any idea what is happening. Fun first date! Not insane at all!

Oh, and then everyone packs for Mexico, but who cares, why do they even film this, I promise you I can live my entire life completely satisfied never knowing that Dorinda almost — but didn’t — forget to pack a bathing suit.

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and has definitely talked about her ex on a date with a new guy.