The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Fauxpology”
December 20, 2017
We begin this episode right where we left off in the previous: Teresa, Melissa, Dolores and Margaret at lunch, though Melissa soon jumps up and leaves, explaining that she is supposed to meet Siggy and Danielle for a bicycle tour. That, of course, is wholly dependent on Siggy not being in a cab on the way to the airport seeing as last we left her, she was agreeing with her husband that she should just come home already. Even though she has been in Italy for less than 24 hours at this point.
But sure enough, when Melissa arrives at the bike rental place, she is met by both Danielle and Siggy because, honestly, the Producers weren’t going to let her it just wasn’t worth it. Trying to change your travel plans to go home maybe 36 hours early? It’s just too much trouble.
These three ride around on bikes, have a picnic lunch in a park, drink champagne, take selfies and talk Margaret and her supposed anti-Semitism. Some more.
Melissa tries to explain to Siggy that maybe the problem is that she’s just too fucking sensitive, and Danielle suggests that Siggy is expecting Margaret to play by her rule book, but that Margaret doesn’t have a copy. Siggy responds by insisting that her rule book is simple:
Rule #1: Siggy has feelings and they must be the only ones recognized in any situation by all parties involved.
Rule #2: Her friends must step up and defend her if they see someone treating her poorly.
Rule #3: Rule #2 does not apply to Siggy.
Rule #4: No one must ever say the word “Hitler.” Ever. For any reason.
Danielle and Melissa are like, “I mean, we hear you, but have you stopped to think how it made Margaret feel to be called anti-Semitic? You insist that this is about your feelings, but you do understand that Margaret has feelings, too, and that they are just as valid as your own?” Siggy understands that they are saying words but chooses to not actually hear them.
As for the other group, after lunch, and after Teresa declares, “My stomach is bigger than my eyes!” …
… they go for a cooking lesson with a delightful tiny Italian man, Angelo, who takes them shopping before putting them to work making fresh pasta and wood-chip-flaked steak tartar. Mmmm.
That evening, Melissa, Siggy, and Danielle join them at la casa di Angelo, where Teresa actually thinks it would be a hilarious joke to spray with them with champagne as they came in which would not just be a TERRIBLE IDEA at this particular heightened moment, but also a disgusting waste of perfectly good champagne. Tre, fortunately, ultimately decides against it.
Everyone sits down to dinner, with both Margaret and Siggy choosing to just not say anything to anyone about anything so as to get through the night with all the wine glasses intact. But Melissa, not able to leave well enough alone, takes Margaret outside to ask her what’s wrong. “IT’S NOT OBVIOUS, YOU HALFWIT?” Margaret, to her immense credit, does not yell, instead saying that she’s still feeling raw from the fight the night before and, you know, the whole “being called an anti-Semite” thing.
But then Margaret goes back to the dinner, and, as the bigger person, reaches out to Siggy explaining that she now understands that “Hitler” is a trigger word for her, that she never meant to hurt her, and that she is sorry.
Siggy’s entire response:
LOLOLOLOLOLOL, OK.
Danielle, to her credit, is like, “HEY, BITCH, DID YOU GO DEAF?” but not quite in those words, and Siggy still doesn’t respond because if she did, she’d have to admit that Margaret was being a nice, considerate person here and she isn’t ready to give up the moral high ground in her own mind, thank you very much.
Meanwhile, over in Jersey, Folletto swings by la casa di Meatball to fix the kitchen sink and to scold her figlie into being nicer to her, and to remind them that Teresa’s birthday is coming up. He then offers to help them with however they want to celebrate it, and the girls suggest a surprise festa which is absolutely their idea and not one that was planted by the Producers obviously.
Back in Milan, it’s the next morning and Danielle does yoga on her bed while Margaret forces a hotel maid to bring her coffee while she is in the bath. DO PEOPLE DO THAT? Because that is NOT A THING THAT PEOPLE SHOULD DO.
The ladies split up into groups again:
Margaret and Danielle visit a shoe factory to determine whether or not it will be the right place to manufacture her shoe line. It is not.
Melissa and Dolores eat gelato and talk boys. Melissa asks Dolores if she’s happy with this supposed “fidanzato” of hers, what with his difficult hours and never calling her and never being around and Dolores says a bunch of things that suggest that no, in fact, she is not. But with Quadracept around, he fills in the gaps.
I mean, not like that. (But totally like that.)
As for Siggy not responding to Margaret’s apology, Dolores argues that she just wasn’t emotionally ready to get off her high horse and couldn’t process it, but that yes, she has to give Margaret credit for being the bigger person.
Finally, Teresa takes Siggy to some picture of Jesus on a wall to make up for the “memorial service” that Margaret threw for Teresa’s madre that Siggy was not included in, and there is crying, obviously. Siggy does offer something constructive, which is to tell Teresa that while she has every right to resent Meatball for the time she lost with her madre because Teresa was off in Meatball jail, her figlie had an opportunity to really bond with their Nonna before she died. Which, to be fair, is the most positive way to look at that merdashow.
Teresa then broaches the subject of Margaret’s apology, and Siggy, again, brings up the PAIN of being called “Soggy.” But Teresa is like, “Yeah, to be honest, I thought that shit was funny, too. And look, I was called an adulterer, so.” Siggy tries to argue that “hurt is hurt” and Teresa is like, “you know that’s bullmerda, right? That these two things are not comparable?” Siggy then insists that Margaret had the opportunity to apologize to her for the Hitler comment during that first dinner, and Teresa, Unexpected Voice of Reason, is like, “When? When Danielle was trashing the place or when we were being thrown out by security?” Even Siggy can’t argue with this and stands down.
That evening is their last dinner in Italy, and Teresa, wisely, booked a private room in the hotel lest the throwing wine be decanted. And before the toast is finished, Siggy announces that would like to thank Margaret for her heartfelt apology the night before, she should have acknowledged it at the time, but she needed time to process it. Which, great! Good job, Siggy!
But then Margaret is like, “Annnnnd?” But Siggy is all, “And what?” And Margaret is like, “THE ANTI-SEMITIC THING, DUMMY. DO YOU WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE PART WHERE YOU SAID I AM ANTI-SEMITIC?”
Siggy starts by saying that she “wants to believe in her heart and soul” that Margaret isn’t anti-Semitic, but wonders where that Hitler analogy came from because it didn’t come out of the thin air.
This, obviously, is not an apology for calling Margaret an anti-Semite and Margaret is like, “BITCH, YOU MALIGNED ME BY SAYING I AM A MEMBER OF A HATE GROUP, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT CAN DO TO MY RELATIONSHIPS AND BUSINESS?” To which Siggy argues that how Margaret feels being accused of being an anti-Semite is how she feels when she hears the word “Hitler.”
“HEARING THE WORD ‘HITLER’ WON’T RUIN YOUR LIFE, YOU NITWIT,” Margaret counters. And Siggy has to finally admit that calling Margaret an anti-Semite might have been a step too far, but she does think that Margaret is anti-Siggy and then she whines some more about how she brought Margaret to the group and therefore Margaret, by official Real Housewives bylaws, had to always be Team Siggy about everything forever.
Margaret, realizing this is as close to an apology as she is going to get, is like, “You gotta get out of your own head with me, but WHATEVER. Anyway, Other Joe is throwing me a Studio 54-themed birthday party and you’re all invited, even you, Siggy, despite my deep-rooted anti-Siggism.” All the ladies are like, “YAY!”
And then they leave a much-relieved Italy. FIN.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.