‘The Bachelor’: There’s a joke about bitches in here somewhere, but I’m wrestling with whether or not to use it

The Bachelor
January 15, 2018

Alright, let’s just get to it: Chris Harrison arrives at the McMansion with the date card, and advising the women that time with Arie Bobby is “precious” and to be “used wisely.”

“Oh, wow, really, Chris Harrison? I guess we should all start worrying about not having time with Arie Bobby and begin freaking the fuck out when some women take three or four turns with him at the expense of other women who don’t talk to him at all. OH WAIT, THAT HAS LITERALLY BEEN THE ENTIRE PLOT OF THE LAST TWO EPISODES, BUT THANKS FOR THE ‘TIP,'” the women don’t shriek at the top of their lungs.

“Cousin Sarah, The Challenger, Virginia Lauren, Sooey Jr., Miss Masala, Pixie Manic Dream Girl, Manguita, and Krystal with a K: It’s all about the ring. –Arie”

The women, who have seen this once or twice or twenty-one other times, quickly figure out that this is probably a boxing or wrestling reference, and they are absolutely correct. The women are taken to a makeshift wrestling ring where they learn they are to become “GLOB, The Gorgeous Ladies of Low Self-Esteem the Bachelor.”

Let me hit the pause button here. First, if you haven’t watched Netflix’s GLOW, you should find five hours to carve out of your life and do so soon. I adored it and would have included it on a best of 2017 list — had I made one. Most of my love comes from the fact that it’s a comedy based loosely on the syndicated 80s women’s wrestling series, G.L.O.W., which I watched religiously back in the day. I do not like professional wrestling, and I did not like wrestling at the time, but G.L.O.W. wasn’t a typical wrestling show — it was like a terrible spoof of a wrestling show. It came with cheestastic sketches and song numbers between the matches — matches that were clearly staged and featured wrestlers with names like Mt. Fiji, Palestina, Jailbait, Mexi-Cali Red, and Mika, Mina and Mana the Headhunters. It was not exactly subtle.

(If you, like me, loved the original and/or the Netflix series, go watch the documentary about the original series on Netflix, called confusingly enough GLOW: The Story of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.)

It is this original G.L.O.W., not the Netflix GLOW, that the women are being asked to channel on this date. In fact, to this end, they have brought in two original G.L.O.W. wrestlers: Little Egypt and Babe the Farmer’s Daughter. (Not to be confused with Amy the Farmer’s Daughter or Sally the Farmer’s Daughter. Farmer’s Daughters were to G.LO.W. as Laurens are to The Bachelor.)

coup-de-babe-glow

These two, Little Egypt in particular, take their jobs VERY SERIOUSLY, barking in The Bachelorettes’ faces that THEY ARE HERE TO FIGHT FOR ARIE, AND THEY BETTER BE WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. Little Egypt proceeds to: scream at Virginia Lauren for acting like this is a joke; make fun of Manguita’s name and ask if her mother knows how to spell; and inform Sooey Jr. that she could take her down, mocking her and Manguita after they flee the ring to go cry.

I am in love.

marry me

After these stupid babies have a pout, it’s time for the women to pick their characters and costumes, and, unlike their original 80s inspiration, there is a dearth of racist and offensive options. Pixie goes with “Sex Kitten”; Miss Masala is “Gold Digger”; Krystal with a K becomes “Cougar”; Sooey Jr. goes a little too literal with “Southern Belle”; Manguita takes on “Bridezilla”; Cousin Sarah becomes “The Lunch Lady”; The Challenger is “Beauty Queen”; and Virginia Lauren is “Random Pink Leotard.” I don’t know.

But the first match of the night isn’t with any of the women, but instead between Arie Bobby and PRETTY BOY PITBULL! Oh, Pretty Boy, why aren’t you the Bachelor? Why couldn’t it have been you? I don’t know, maybe just throw Arie Bobby just a tiny bit extra harder than you probably should and then offer to fill in for him while he recovers? And then just never leave?

kenny bachelorette stripper

Wrestle wrestle wrestle sexy dancing around which bears no resemblance to wrestling …

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… wrestle wrestle.

That taken care of, they move on to the cocktail party, where Krystal with a K, in her crushed velvet hotpants which are somehow not a part of her wrestling costume but something that she actually wore out in public, immediately pounces on Arie Bobby at her first opportunity.

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Once alone with him, Krystal with a K, with her dumb sexy baby whisper, asks Arie Bobby if he wants her to be aggressive or to back off a little so the other women have a chance since she knows that their relationship has already  progressed so far ahead of the other women and it doesn’t seem like a fair fight anymore. Arie Bobby is all, “Just do you,” which is the lamest non-response of all time.

Then Manguita goes and makes the classic Bachelor mistake — she tattles on Krystal with K for being a straight-up bitch. NOOOOOOOOOO, GIRL, THIS NEVER WORKS. It’s a sign of insecurity and weakness and it will inevitably backfire. Sure enough, Arie Bobby is like, “you need to just concentrate on you and me.” So, yep, she’s doomed.

Arie Bobby also has moments — and by moments, I mean tongue moments — with Sooey, Jr. and Pixie Manic Dream Girl. When he offers Pixie Manic Dream Girl the date rose, you can actually see the very moment when Krystal with a K’s brain cracks a little.

Back at the McMansion, the next date card arrives:

“Texas Lauren: You had me at Merlot.”

But don’t get too excited, because as she heads out for her date, Texas Lauren is shown carrying her suitcase down the stairs, which is editorial shorthand for “She Might As Well Just Skip the Limo and Climb into the Go Home Now Van.” Bye, Texas Lauren! Bye, girl! We’ll save you some welcome home queso! And because they showed us the pre-date suitcase, we can just go ahead and skip this date, right?

OH FINE.

They fly off in a private jet for the requisite Wine Country date which involves them wandering around a vineyard drinking wine before sitting down to dinner to drink some more wine. And Texas Lauren here, she does not shut her yap for one. second.

But it is the moment when she utters the words, “I called my mother on Mother’s Day and she had some weird eye infection,” that the date is actually over, to the point that a doctor should have been brought out to officially call the time of death.

And in fact, Arie Bobby does not offer her the date rose, explaining that it would be unfair of him to keep her around knowing how important her family is to her — which is an absolutely hilarious excuse to give. “I can’t keep you away from your parents considering your mother’s case of pink eye. I’m doing this for you and for them.”

Menwhile, back at the house, Texas Lauren’s Chekhov’s Suitcase is carried out while the other women look on, some becoming distraught, and others — Krystal with a K — chirping that it just shows how serious Arie Bobby is about her this process, earning the ire of the other women. Well, the deeper ire of the other women, I should say.

Bye, Texas Lauren. Like I said earlier, come on home, baby, our queso is better here.

drive away bye

The final date card is delivered: “Flag Girl; Ring Bearer; Hot Wheels; Foot Fetish; Realtor; Grendel’s Mother; Kissing Bandit: Love is ruff.”

And the women who went on the wrestling date are like, “WAIT A MINUTE, WE WERE BEATEN UP BY TERRIFYING PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS, AND THESE ASSHOLES ARE GOING TO GO PLAY WITH PUPPIES?” To which the answer is, “Yep! That’s exactly what is going to happen!”

In fact, the women are brought to a park where they meet Arie Bobby and his dog, as well as some woman with her own dog circus. #LIFEGOALS

Dog Circus Lady explains that they are going to work with her trained dogs to put on a dog circus for a live audience while wearing dumb costumes and everyone is like “HOORAY!” except for Kissing Bandit Trauma Care who explains that in addition to having had a traumatic experience with bumper cars, she also was traumatized by her grandparent’s dog who bit her this one time when she undoubtedly was acting like an asshole. The Producers, who have clearly had enough of Trauma Care, illustrate her story with a hilarious reenactment involving a lot of hazy filters and one tiny snarling dog. SHE NEARLY LOST AN EYE, Y’ALL.

There’s also a weird story about how she and her mom were staying in a friends’ basement, and the friend had a husky who had just had a litter of puppies and the huskies came down to the basement and attacked them or something? A dramatic recreation of this nightmare:

After the women work with the dogs for a while, they are given their own embarrassing costumes and taken to the Grove where they are expected to put on a dog circus while Chris Harrison and the adorable Fred Willard do color commentary. But then everyone is terrible and none of the dogs cooperate because fuck yo treats. The whole thing is a complete disaster, the end.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING. WHY IS SHE A LAMP.

That evening at the cocktail party, everyone toasts their “fur babies,” and no. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO.

A story: in my more rambunctious days as a young twenty-something in New York, my friends and I would sometime have a late evening of libations and then suffer from the occasional cocktail flu (read: every weekend. every. single. weekend.).

At one point, we came up with a list of words that were forbidden to say while someone was in a state of recovery, as particular sounds can have the power to actually worsen a hangover. For instance: moist, phlegm, poodle, slacks, toe fungus, knob, glistening, smock, munch, stump. You get the idea. And though this list was generated some 20+ years ago, and the phrase did not exist then, “fur baby” is ABSOLUTELY ON THE LIST.

STOP. SAYING. FUR BABY. IT MAKES MY HANGOVER WORSE.

Anyway, after toasting fur babies the dogs, Arie Bobby asks Grendel’s Mother to come talk to him first, and she happily agrees. There, she burbles about how being around the dogs and small children was “tough” because she has a kid and blah blah blah growing as a person blah important to be here blah. They make out.

Arie Bobby also chats with Realtor who asks him why he hasn’t been in love in the past five years, and he’s basically like, “Because I’ve been fucking around and deliberately dating people who weren’t ready for marriage.” They make out.

Trauma Care, who has yet to kiss Arie Bobby, has a painfully awkward conversation with him:

Trauma Care: “How’s it going with you?”

Arie Bobby: “You know, some relationships are moving faster than others …”

Bachelor Translator: “I’m just not that into you.”

Arie Bobby: “How do you think things are going?”

Bachelor Translator: “I’m just not that into you.”

Trauma Care: “I don’t know, it’s just so hard to read you.”

Arie Bobby: “This whole thing is difficult. This is … this is crazy. This place is pretty cool, though. Fer sure.”

Bachelor Translator: “I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU OH MY GOD GO AWAY. GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY.”

Fortunately, for Arie Bobby, Grendel’s Mother interrupts this “conversation” before the kiss that was never going to happen doesn’t happen, and in return for saving him, he gives her the date rose.

Finally, the cocktail party.

Manguita, frustrated by her lack of opportunities with Arie Bobby has arranged a whole outdoor bed with pillows and candles and set up a telescope next to it from which they can view her chances at winning this thing.

Except, hahahaha, Arie Bobby discovers this whole setup while visiting with some other girl, let’s say a Lauren, and then proceeds to take a whole line of girls over to the bed, none of whom are Manguita.

the struggle is real the bachelor.gif

As for Pixie Manic Dream Girl, she spends her time (on Manguita’s bed) psychoanalyzing him: he likes her because she doesn’t need him. It’s the exact same reason that he has a thing for single moms.

Arie:

mind-blown-eric-and-tim

As for Trauma Care, she decides that she IS GOING TO KISS HIM GOD DAMMIT THIS IS IMPERATIVE THIS IS EVERYTHING.

But before we get to that, can we stop and talk about how she makes this decision in front of a set of gigantic jars of candy?

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First of all, may I direct your attention to just how full these jars are considering these women have been living in the house with them for nearly a month? Second of all, OF COURSE they’re still full. Third, I want to know who the evil genius is who was like, “You know what would be funny would be to stock the house with pounds and pounds and pounds of candy and watch these skinny bitches deny themselves all of it.” Fourth of all, if I were there, on the very first night I would have been like, “FUCK IT, IMMA SIT HERE AND EAT ALL THESE TWIZZLERS AND Y’ALL WILL BE LUCKY IF I LEAVE YOU ANY OF THOSE SKITTLES. SAY HEY TO ARIE FOR ME.”

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So Trauma Care makes her big move, leading Arie Bobby up to the balcony where Arie Bobby, with a heaving sigh, endures another awkward moment with her.

Arie Bobby: “You seem stressed out.”

Trauma Care: “I am just anxious and frustrated because I wanted you to kiss me, and I hear the girls have to go for the kiss first and I’m not that kind of girl.”

Arie Bobby: “So are you asking me?”

Bachelor Translator: “I’m just not that into you.”

Trauma Care: “Well, I’m putting it on the table.”

Arie Bobby: “I just don’t think we’re there yet.”

Bachelor Translator: “I’m just not that into you.”

Trauma Care: “That’s fine as long as like …”

Arie Bobby: “Yeah, yeah … I’m sorry.”

Bachelor Translator: “JESUS, WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU TO GET THAT I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU AND WANT YOU TO GO AWAY?”

Fortunately, Taxiderpy relieves everyone of their agony, interrupting the conversation to lead Arie Bobby away while Trauma Care flees to the bathroom to have a cry and a complete self-confidence meltdown.

Once she pulls herself together, Trauma Care interrupts Arie Bobby’s conversation with some woman (Realtor? Maybe? Who cares?) to ask him if he sees any potential with them at all, and he’s like, “NOPE. NONE AT ALL. I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. NOW GO AWAY FOREVER. PLEASE. FUCK.”

Bye, Trauma Care. Maybe its time to look into the benefits of talk therapy, sugar.

drive away bye

One down, one to go. Line up the Laurens.

Rose # 1: Realtor
Rose # 2: Taxiderpy
Rose # 3: Flag Girl
Rose # 4: Virginia Lauren
Rose # 5: Hot Wheels
Rose # 6: Ring Bearer
Rose # 7: Too Good for Him
Rose # 8: Krystal with a K
Rose # 9: Sooey Jr.
Rose # 10: Cousin Sarah
Rose # 11: Foot Fetish
Rose # 12: The Challenger
Rose # 13: Miss Masala

¡Which means, adios Manguita! But not for long: we learned today that Manguita and Indiana Lauren are both joining my February nightmare, Bachelor Winter Games. Yay.

drive away bye

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Arie:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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