The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Meltdown in Milan”
December 13, 2017
Annnnnnd we’re off to Italy. After the interminable and unnecessary packing sequence — Y’ALL, WE GET IT: THEY’RE GOING ON A TRIP AND THEY ARE GOING TO NEED TO BRING CLOTHES WITH THEM, WE HAVE ALL TRAVELED BEFORE, WE KNOW HOW IT WORKS — the women arrive in Milan and immediately split up: Dolores and Siggy head to the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II for some shopping; Teresa and Danielle go to the Duomo before getting some negronis; and Melissa and Margaret “work.”
And everyone is talking merda about everyone else:
Melissa is still pissed at Dolores for getting in her face at the Posche fashion show; Danielle convinces Teresa that she should be angry at Siggy and Dolores for not defending her to Kim D.; and Siggy is really latching onto this whole “HOW DARE MARGARET SAY THE WORD ‘HITLER’ EVER FOR ANY REASON” argument. Which is definitely a winner and makes complete sense.
And yet, despite all the bitching and cazzate, as they head to dinner, for the most part the women optimistic that everything is all good between them and that they will be able to have a nice night together.
Before dinner, Margaret, Danielle, Melissa, and Teresa meet up for some very necessary pre-cocktail champagne, and I only mention it for this exchange:
Teresa: We went to … by … the Duomo, the cathedral.
Melissa: Did you?
Teresa: Yeah, it was so beautiful.
Melissa: Isn’t that in Rome? They have those here, too?
Teresa: Yeah … it’s a beautiful church, called the Duomo.
Melissa: ~blink blink blink~
It’s notable any time Teresa isn’t the dumbest person in an exchange.
Then the ladies start winding themselves up over the fact that Siggy and Dolores haven’t made nice about the whole walking in Kim D.’s fashion show thing, with Danielle promising that things are going to become heated. But yeah, everyone is going to behave and have a lovely evening together. Definitely.
Upon arriving at dinner, everything is fine. It’s fine! Melissa makes a toast to her first dinner in Italy; Danielle teaches everyone about the early 2000s imagined parenting nightmare, “rainbowing,” also known as the single most tedious way to give a blowjob; and Tre reads to the women a text she received from Meatball calling her a cheater. It’s fun! Everyone is having fun.
So obviously Siggy decides that now is the time to claim that she and Dolores defended Teresa against the cheating rumors, despite not actually ever doing so when Teresa was actually in the room.
Melissa is like, “Funny you should mention that: what I remember was pointing out that Kim D. was a monster, and Dolores getting in my face screaming at me to not tell her what to do.” Dolores, to her credit, does say that she feels bad for acting like an asshole, but that she and Siggy felt like they were being attacked by Margaret and Danielle even though nothing of the sort happened.
And that’s when Siggy is like, “Enough about us not defending Teresa, I want to talk about how Margaret said ‘Hitler’ this one time and how that made me feel.” Margaret and Danielle protest that Margaret was just making an analogy — she was talking about Kim D. being evil, she needed to use an example of someone who was actually evil, HENCE: HITLER. Also, too, Margaret’s ex-husband is Jewish, her children are Jewish, what the actual fuck is Siggy trying to say about her? But Siggy sticks to her guns, claims that she knows “plenty of people married to Jews who can’t stand Jews” before just cutting to the chase and calling Margaret anti-Semitic.
This does not go over well with Margaret who leaps to her feet, only to have Siggy yell at … someone … to “TELL THAT BITCH TO SIT HER ASS DOWN.” When Danielle, defending Margaret, tells Siggy that she hit below the belt, Siggy shushes her.
And that’s when the throwing wine is served.
Security is called, the women are hurried out of the restaurant and yet another dinner ends without anyone actually eating anything.
The next morning, the women have a tour of Milan’s canals planned, but Siggy and Danielle choose to skip it because they cannot be fucked. Instead, the two sit down together where Siggy apologizes to Danielle, explaining that she was actually mad at Margaret, but decided to take it out on Danielle for shits and giggles. Speaking of Margaret: what an asshole, right? First, she calls Siggy, “Soggy,” and then she says, “Hitler.” CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THIS MONSTER? Danielle is like, “It was an analogy. You have to move on from this. But to make this conversation end, I’ll offer you a hug so that I can go back to my room, crack open the mini-fridge and try to figure out why I wanted to be back on this show again.”
They hug, it’s insincere.
Meanwhile, the other women walk around Milan with a tour guide, whom Teresa sexually harasses, before stopping for some lunch. There, Dolores agrees that Margaret is not anti-Semitic, obviously, but that maybe she needs to butt out of conversations that she doesn’t understand. Teresa suggests that Dolores isn’t giving Margaret a chance just because Siggy doesn’t like her, to which Dolores offers a very convincing, “Nuh-uh.” Then Teresa compares Siggy and Margaret to “oil and vinegar” and everyone laughs and laughs because what a fucking moron.
Oh, and back at home, the husbands get together for dinner but no one cares.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Siggy calls her husband who tells her to just come home, and she’s like, “yep, you know what, that makes complete and total sense and I’m going to do just that even though I just arrived on this, a different continent, less than 24 hours ago.”
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST and wants some pasta.