‘The Bachelor’: A total wreck

The Bachelor
January 8, 2018

Chris Harrison arrives at the McMansion to field any questions the ladies might have, but the women are all, “NO TIME FOR THAT. THE DATE CARD, HARRISON. NOW.” So Chris Harrison throws the date card onto the coffee table and flees before his arm is torn off by the ravenous mob.

“Ring Bearer: Hold on Tight. –Arie Bobby”

Arie Bobby arrives on a motorcycle, hands Ring Bearer a helmet and jacket and has her climb on the back while the other women are JUST. SO. HAPPY. FOR. HER. NO. REALLY. SO. HAPPY.

In fact, Krystal with a K is, for one, happy she wasn’t chosen for this date because one time her father was in a terrible motorcycle accident and she’s known plenty of people who have been seriously injured or died in motorcycle crashes and if she had been chosen she would have had to tell Arie Bobby that she couldn’t go.

As for the actual date, it’s this season’s “Pretty Woman” moment: Arie Bobby takes Ring Bearer to some house where Rachel Zoe is lying in wait for a new TV show with a bunch of dresses for Ring Bearer to try on for their dinner that night, but surprise! Ring Bearer gets to keep all the dresses and surprise! Ring Bearer also gets to keep the Louboutins Arie Bobby gifts her and surprise! Neil Lane sends some minion with some jewelry she can borrow except surprise! she can keep the earrings.

But before Ring Bearer and Arie Bobby go to dinner, because this show is so petty, they send Ring Bearer back to the McMansion with all of her loot to show off to the other women.

They are very happy for her. Especially the one woman who says she’s never even been in the same room with a pair of Louboutins before, she is probably the happiest of all for Ring Bearer.

Then Ring Bearer and Arie Bobby have dinner and it is exceptionally boring. We learn that her father died of a brain tumor when she was 19 which is sad and that she had been in an on-again-off-again relationship for 7 years (which makes me wonder if she’s not the one whose boyfriend shows up later in the season, yelling that he wants his girlfriend back, making Arie Bobby have the sads). But otherwise, these two together are like watching paint dry.

He offers her the rose; she accepts. Although, it would have been AWESOME if when he offered the rose, she had been like, “Nope! But thanks for the goods!” and then just walked off the show forever. She would have had my everlasting love.

Back at the McMansion, the next date card arrives:

“Krystal with a K: Home is where the heart is. –Arie Bobby”

Krystal with a K is delighted and seems completely unconcerned about Arie Bobby potentially picking her up on a motorcycle.

Fortunately for her, their mode of transportation for the date is a private jet that flies them to Scottsdale so that Arie Bobby can show Krystal with a K around his hometown and … oh my god … meet his family.

Before that, they go to Arie’s high school which just seems pitiful; take a tour of Arie’s apartment where he shows her his collection of the heads of his defeated opponents:

… and they watch a bunch of Arie’s family’s home videos because that’s always fun especially when you don’t know anyone in the videos.

The pair then head to Arie Bobby’s family’s home where Arie Bobby introduces his parents, brother and brother-in-law to Krystal with a K for reasons that just completely elude me, a person who would be reluctant to introduce my family to anyone I met on this dumb show, probably not until the moment I was about to walk down the aisle, and even then I’d have some reservations. But I’m really confounded by this: Is he trying to prove something to them? That being on this show isn’t stupid or a mistake? That he is a stable genius? I’m baffled.

The two later have dinner in some sort of abandoned office building where Krystal with a K tells him about her “less traditional” childhood in which she essentially was forced to raise her little brother on her own. And she did such a bang up job that he now is living on the streets, getting his hair singed in random attacks. I don’t know, either this conversation was edited strangely or Krystal with a K is not the most linear of storytellers, but it feels like there are a lot of parts missing from “I saved my money to buy myself a comforter at 9” to “And then I put my brother with his singed hair on a bus and said goodbye forever.” THE POINT IS: Krystal with a K has family issues, which is why the Producers thought it would be hilarious to have Arie Bobby take her to meet his well-adjusted parents on their first date oh wait I get it now.

Arie Bobby, terrified that she might set his hair on fire if he doesn’t, offers Krystal with a K the rose before “surprising” her with some singer no one has ever heard of ever, per Bachelor tradition.

Krystal with a K then returns to the McMansion and refuses to answer any questions about their date and just generally acts like a smug asshole.

While Krystal with a K was busy meeting Arie Bobby’s parents WAY too soon, the final date card of the week was delivered at the McMansion:

“Cousin Sarah; Miss Masala; Sooey, Jr.; Yellow Dress; Kissing Bandit; Indiana Lauren; Taxiderpy; Pixie Manic Dream Girl; Some Blond; Foot Fetish; Realtor; Hot Wheels; Manguita; Elephant; Grendel’s Mother: Let’s hit love head-on. –Arie Bobby”

The mob is then driven out to a demolition derby track where they are given a junker, told to paint it, and be prepared to destroy it in a competition.

Listen, I have watched many seasons of these shows, and I can tell you honestly that there has never been an activity on any of these shows that I have ever wanted to do more than this one. I mean, would I turn down a free pair of Louboutins? Of course not. But I would take derbying some demolition over a day on your dumb yacht or bungee jumping or sitting in a hot tub in the Nordic hinterlands EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. In fact, once I am done here, I am going to go find my local demolition derby club and figure out how I can demo some derbies.

Not everyone shares my enthusiasm for the idea of ramming a piece of crap car into another piece of crap car, however, and Kissing Bandit proceeds to have a meltdown because — and this is not made up — she had a “traumatic bumper car incident” as a child. To be fair to Kissing Bandit, that could mean any number of things, and, if one allows it, the imagination can certainly run wild. However, in this case, it means that there this one time when she was in a bumper car and other kids hit her bumper car with their bumper cars.

It’s all very tragic.

Despite this, Kissing Bandit manages to summon the inner strength to paint her car, put on a racing jumpsuit, climb into her deconstructed Ford Escort and allow the other cars to hit hers. The indomitable human spirit at work, ladies and gentlemen.

Cars are demo’d in a derby and despite a strong performance from Hot Wheels who was not fucking around, Elephant is the last woman standing and she takes the trophy.

At the cocktail party that evening, Grendel’s Mother is again the first to grab Arie Bobby for some alone time, where she reveals her big mysterious secret: she has a three-year-old son. And Arie is like, “I mean, OK, cool.” Grendel’s Mother then returns to the other women to share this news with them, explaining that this is why she’s so awful all the time: because she’s sacrificing so much to be here and therefore deserves this more. The other women are underwhelmed with her explanation.

The winner of the derby, Elephant, reveals that she is Yale-educated and studied abroad in Brazil and is entirely too good for Arie. GET OUT NOW, GIRL. GO FIND SOMEONE WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE, BABY.

Meanwhile, as each of the women takes their turns talking to Arie Bobby, Manguita becomes increasingly agitated that she hasn’t spent any time with him, and begins stomping around, yelling at the camera crew for reasons that are unclear to me. Just … just go talk to him? No lo se.

Then after a makeout session with that teenager, Pixie Manic Dream Girl, Arie Bobby gives the date rose to Elephant Too Good for Arie, infuriating Grendel’s Mother who is pretty sure she deserved it because she’s sacrificing so much to be here.

Bitch, me too. The. Fuck.

Finally, the cocktail party. So, as anyone who has watched this show — or has interacted with human people — understands, for those contestants who have already received roses and therefore are already safe in the upcoming elimination there is an unstated code of conduct during the cocktail party ahead of a rose ceremony, and that code of conduct boils down to: fuck off. You are safe, you do not need to talk to the Bachelor who has a limited amount of time, please to fuck off.

However, Krystal with a K does not give one shit about your code of conduct, and decides that because she didn’t get a chance to talk to Arie Bobby the day before, she is going to interrupt his conversations with other women so as to work on their “connection.” Krystal with a K interrupts Texas Lauren — who didn’t even go on a date with Arie Bobby this week, and who, somehow, manages to not tear Krystal with a K’s hair straight out of her Barbie head. Manguita, who is already breaking out in hives over her lack of time with Arie Bobby, is hella enfadado on Texas Lauren’s behalf.

So when this dumb idiot then interrupts Manguita’s conversation with Arie Bobby, it is all but a pequeño milagro that Manguita does not actually murder here right then and there. Instead, Manguita waits for her to come back inside with the other women to be like, “BITCH YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW. HOW DARE YOU.” Krystal with a K hilariously tries to claim that she wasn’t so much interrupting Manguita’s time with Arie Bobby so that she could have a second conversation with him as she was “checking on” Manguita. But Manguita is not having it, informing her that there are now a lot of people who are furious with Krystal with a K and that she just dug a huge hole for herself, Manguita is just speaking up for all of them. And with that, Manguita says out loud, “MIC DROP,” which unless you are President Obama, just, no.

ALRIGHT, GATHER THE LAURENS, IT’S TIME TO CUT SOME FOLKS:

Rose #1: Cousin Sarah
Rose #2: The Challenger
Rose #3: Pixie Manic Dream Girl
Rose #4: Foot Fetish
Rose #5: Grendel’s Mother
Rose #6: Texas Lauren
Rose #7: Sooey, Jr.
Rose #8: Kissing Bandit
Rose #9: Virginia Lauren
Rose #10: Taxiderpy
Rose #11: Hot Wheels
Rose #12: Flag Girl
Rose #13:3 Miss Masala
Rose #14: Realtor
Rose #15: Manguita

SO CHÚPALO, KRYSTAL WITH A K.

Which means: bye, Yellow Dress. I’m relieved you’re leaving because that was a terrible nickname. Bye, Indiana Lauren. The truth is three Laurens was still too many Laurens and one of you had to go. And bye, Some Blond Girl. You were the one who drew a picture of Arie Bobby, right? Maybe try putting your feelings into some more “art.”

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Arie:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and is going to find a demolition derby club to join if it kills her.